Feb. 03, 1979
30 min.
Nickelodeon TV Network

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Doug Ptolemy You Can't Do That on Television (CA)

Doug Ptolemy

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Doug Ptolemy Quotes

06x05 - Pessimism / Optimism Season 6 / Episode 5: - Pessimism / Optimism

Doug Ptolemy: I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm gonna be the one to get it.
Vanessa Lindores: Cheer up, Doug. You gotta think positively. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one that's gonna be slimed?
Doug Ptolemy: You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me.

Vanessa Lindores: Then again, I guess sometimes you just gotta go with your feelings.
06x05 - Pessimism / Optimism Season 6 / Episode 5: - Pessimism / Optimism

Mr. Schidtler: The test results were terrible, and unless you put your noses to the grindstone and pull yourselves up by your bootstraps...
Doug Ptolemy: Is that physically possible, sir?
Mr. Schidtler: Never mind! No, the point is that if you don't get cracking, every single one of you is going to FAIL!
Christine McGlade: Sir, how do you expect us to believe in ourselves when you're so pessimistic about our abilities?
Lisa Ruddy: Yeah, and, sir, if we fail this year, doesn't that mean that you have to teach us all over again next year?
Mr. Schidtler: All... all... all over again... Uh, I... , yeah. I'll tell you what. M-maybe I will re-evaluate, uh... I'll re-mark these tests.
06x03 - World Records Season 6 / Episode 3: - World Records

Doctor: Now, YOU'RE not afraid of my... little needle, are ya?

Doctor: Wait a minute. You're still here. You didn't run away. Aren't you, uh, scared of my hypodermic needle?
Doug Ptolemy: No.
Doctor: Uh, what's 'e matter? Are you stupid?
Doug Ptolemy: [immediate, simple and straightforward] Yeah.
06x03 - World Records Season 6 / Episode 3: - World Records

Doug Ptolemy: Boy, Mom, I'm glad you don't listen to all those news reports about the bad things in food.
Lance Prevort: Yeah, huh-huh. Oh, I can hardly wait to sink my teeth into a thick, juicy steak.
Valerie Prevort: Oh, well, Lance, I'm afraid I won't be having any of those, dear. I heard on television that steak is very bad for you.
Vanessa Lindores: Oh, so we're having chicken or ham?
Valerie Prevort: Oh, well, no, Vanessa. I read in the newspaper that pork and chicken are very bad for you, too.
Doug Ptolemy: Oh, no. Don't tell me we're having VEGETABLES.
Valerie Prevort: No, Dougie. I'm afraid I heard on the radio that the fertilizer that they used to grow the vegetables in is VERY dangerous for you.
Vanessa Lindores: All right! No vegetables!
Doug Ptolemy: But... what ARE we having for dinner?
Valerie Prevort: [removing covers from the serving dishes, revealing... ] Chocolate bars was all I could think of.
Doug Ptolemy: Oh, boy! And this isn't even an Opposite Sketch!
06x03 - World Records Season 6 / Episode 3: - World Records

Doctor: As you know, Dougie, you are very short for your age.
Doug Ptolemy: Yeah. Most people don't believe I'm eighteen. They think I'm lying.
06x03 - World Records Season 6 / Episode 3: - World Records

Lisa Ruddy: I can't stand it. I have to get outta here.
Vanessa Lindores: Lisa, what is the matter? Is it the scary horror scenes and violence?
Lisa Ruddy: No. That looks really fake.
Vanessa Lindores: Is it the bugs eating Cincinatti?
Lisa Ruddy: No, that doesn't bother me at all.
Vanessa Lindores: Well, then, what is your problem?
Lisa Ruddy: I'm afraid of the dark.
Alasdair Gillis: [as Lisa leaves] S-she's right, guys. It is really dark in here. There could be bats.
Doug Ptolemy: Or boogeymen. Or mice!
Christine McGlade: Or fleas.

06x01 - Outer Space Season 6 / Episode 1: - Outer Space

Vanessa Lindores: [at the movies] Doug, what're you doing down there with your friends?
Doug Ptolemy: I'm watching a movie. What else would I be doing, Vanessa?
Vanessa Lindores: Doug, I thought we were on a date. Why don't you come up and sit next to me?
Doug Ptolemy: Vanessa, I asked you if you wanted to go to the movies with me. I never said anything about sitting beside you.
06x01 - Outer Space Season 6 / Episode 1: - Outer Space

Vanessa Lindores: [on a date at the movies with Doug] It's cold in here. Could you put your arm around me, Doug?
Doug Ptolemy: Not right now, Vanessa.
Vanessa Lindores: This is the scariest part of the movie. Can you hold my hand?
Doug Ptolemy: This part isn't THAT bad. Just close your eyes.
Vanessa Lindores: Doug, we are on a date. Are you gong to do anything other than eat?
Doug Ptolemy: Vanessa, my mom's gone on a diet, so she doesn't buy any more candy, so the only reason I come to the movies is to get some decent food.
06x01 - Outer Space Season 6 / Episode 1: - Outer Space

Doug Ptolemy: [as Cupid, appearing magically in Alasdair's bedroom] Alasdair, what is your heart's desire?
Alasdair Gillis: I wanna see the girl of my dreams.
Doug Ptolemy: Are you sure about this? It's a little late.
Alasdair Gillis: Positive.

Christine McGlade: Where am I?
Alasdair Gillis: Oh, not HER.
Doug Ptolemy: Well, Alasdair, this was the girl you were dreaming about.
Alasdair Gillis: Cupid, that wasn't a dream, that was a nightmare. What's all that gunk on her face, anyway?
Doug Ptolemy: Aw, they all look like that at night.
06x01 - Outer Space Season 6 / Episode 1: - Outer Space

Barth Baggs: Dah, Alasdair. Dyah, you wanna order now?
Alasdair Gillis: Actually, no, Barfy. You see, I'm waiting for my date. Uh, she should be here any minute.
Barth Baggs: Dyah, in that case, you should get the Barfy Special Patter for Two. You get two Barfy Burgers and a double order of french fries, and you get a giant milkshake with two straws, all for half the price of a regular dinner.
Alasdair Gillis: Well, Barfy, how can you charge half as much money for twice as much food?
Doug Ptolemy: Well, you see, Alasdair, anybody that would bring their date in here deserves a break.
Barth Baggs: Dyah, I heard that!
06x01 - Outer Space Season 6 / Episode 1: - Outer Space

Ross Ewich: [seeing Doug still walking around in his Cupid outfit] All right, come on! Dougie, go and, uh, change. Get outta that costume before you damage it.
Doug Ptolemy: I'd love to but my dressing room door is locked and I can't find the key.
Ross Ewich: Terrific. Now whadda ya gonna do?
Doug Ptolemy: I guess I'll just have to go home in this stupid costume.
Ross Ewich: Think again, kid. That is a very expensive costume. It belongs to the studio. You are gonna have to change.
Doug Ptolemy: I can't! My dressing room door is locked and I don't know where the key is.

Ross Ewich: Now look at that! You ruined the costume. And you're gonna have to pay for that outta your wages; however, that means I guess you own it, so you can go home in it. Go on, beat it.
Ross Ewich: [as Doug struggles to see through eyes full of slime] Go on home, Dougie. The door is over there. I gotta lock up. No, to your left, a little.
05x25 - Jealousy Season 5 / Episode 25: - Jealousy

Doug Ptolemy: [at the arcade] Boy, am I ever jealous of Alasdair.
Lisa Ruddy: Why? Dougie, he never washes, he's got no friends, and he's failing school all because he spends so much time at video games.
Doug Ptolemy: I know, but he's destroying ten million aliens on one quarter.
05x25 - Jealousy Season 5 / Episode 25: - Jealousy

Christine McGlade: You know, jealousy is not a nice topic. Not nice at all.
Lisa Ruddy: Christine, um, I just wanna say that none of us are really jealous of you.
Alasdair Gillis: Yeah, that's right. You see, we were just pretending to be jealous of you 'cause that's what the script said.
Christine McGlade: Thank you.
Lisa Ruddy: I mean, Christine, why would any of us be jealous of you? I mean, what have you got for us to be jealous of?
Alasdair Gillis: Exactly. I mean, you got no problems. Nobody's gonna be jealous of you.
Christine McGlade: Come on, you guys. Not even a little tiny bit jealous?
Marjorie Silcoff: No.
Lisa Ruddy: No.
Alasdair Gillis: No.
Christine McGlade: Come on, there MUST be something about me that you're a little jealous of? I mean, you know, my talent?
Lisa Ruddy: No.
Christine McGlade: Well, okay, my good looks.
Doug Ptolemy: Oh, certainly not.
Christine McGlade: Okay. My intelligence.
Alasdair Gillis: Uh...
Lisa Ruddy: No.
Christine McGlade: Okay, listen, you can't deny my charm!
Lisa Ruddy: I can.
Marjorie Silcoff: I can.
Doug Ptolemy: I can.
Christine McGlade: [as the others get up and leave] Well... Well, you know... my shoes?
Doug Ptolemy: Goodbye, Christine.
Christine McGlade: Oh, come on. My taste. My... I'M TALLER THAN EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!
05x25 - Jealousy Season 5 / Episode 25: - Jealousy

Doug Ptolemy: Were you ever jealous about Mom?
Lance Prevort: Jealous? Oh, you bet your life I was. I can remember lots of times when I'd phone to ask for a date and she couldn't go out with me 'cause she was going out with Frank Jones.
Valerie Prevort: Oh, I bet you were so jealous of Frank, honey.
Lance Prevort: No-no-no-no-no, I was jealous of you. I wanted to go out with Frank. We used to go bowlin' all the time.
Lance Prevort: [to Doug] The only time I ever phoned your mother was to see if Frank was there.
Lance Prevort: [to Valerie] I couldn't believe that he would wanna go out on a date with you instead of goin' bowlin' with me! I was never so insulted.
05x17 - Colleges Season 5 / Episode 17: - Colleges

El Capitano: Hey, what's going on here? How come you wearing those clothes?
Doug Ptolemy: [in a red suit and white wig] I'm Santa Claus, ho-ho-ho.
El Capitano: Santa Claus? I thought he was fat.
Doug Ptolemy: Santa's been doing some dieting, bit of jogging, some tennis, ho-ho-ho.
El Capitano: Well, you do look good.
Doug Ptolemy: Thanks.
El Capitano: Wait a minute. Santa has a long white beard.
Doug Ptolemy: Santa's been shaving.
El Capitano: Oh. Oh. Ah, but Santa Claus is very old.
Doug Ptolemy: I don't take a very good picture. In the flesh I look a lot younger, ho-ho-ho.
El Capitano: That's it. I believe you. You... are... Santa Claus. And, you know, seeing as you left me just a pair of socks last Christmas... Amigos! Ready! Aim!...
05x17 - Colleges Season 5 / Episode 17: - Colleges

Lance Prevort: Oh, no. No. What is this racket?
Doug Ptolemy: We're carolling.
Lance Prevort: I can HEAR THAT! Don't you know anything hipper than Silent Night? Hm?
Alasdair Gillis: Okay.
Doug Ptolemy: Okay.
Doug Ptolemy, Alasdair Gillis, Lisa Ruddy: [breaking out in a Twisted Sister song] WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT!
05x17 - Colleges Season 5 / Episode 17: - Colleges

Alasdair Gillis: Hey, Doug, what'd you get the coach for Christmas?
Doug Ptolemy: I got him a necktie.
Alasdair Gillis: Well, I wouldn't give it to him if I were you.
Doug Ptolemy: Why not?
Alasdair Gillis: 'Cause that's how we lost the last coach: he hanged himself with a necktie after one of our games.
05x16 - Holidays Season 5 / Episode 16: - Holidays

Alasdair Gillis: How about coming around to my house for Halloween?
Mike Cameron: Oh, sure. You having a party?
Alasdair Gillis: Well, no. You see, I just got kinda tired of carving a jack-o-lantern each year, so I decided that I could just stick you in the window with a candle in your mouth.
Doug Ptolemy: Boy, are we ever getting nasty around here.
05x16 - Holidays Season 5 / Episode 16: - Holidays

Doug Ptolemy, Mike Cameron, Alasdair Gillis: [together, as the door opens] TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!
Homeowner: Ha-ha-ha, Happy Halloween. Wait a minute. This is Halloween. How come you guys aren't dressed up to SCARE people?
Doug Ptolemy: We ARE dressed up to scare people. I'm Ted, and I'm an insurance salesman.
Homeowner: What?
Mike Cameron: Yeah, and I'm Larry, and I'm a politician.
Homeowner: Oh, no.
Alasdair Gillis: And I, sir, am Brit, and I'm a tax auditor.
Homeowner: AHHHHHHHH!

05x16 - Holidays Season 5 / Episode 16: - Holidays

Alasdair Gillis: Hey, Dad, how d'YOU do? I mean, we really cleaned up, right guys?
Mike Cameron: Yeah.
Doug Ptolemy: Yeah.
Lance Prevort: Hey, listen, kids. I did real good.

Mike Cameron: But, Dad?
Lance Prevort: Uh-huh?
Mike Cameron: You didn't get any CANDY. All you got is BEER.
Lance Prevort: Well, you trick-or-treat YOUR way and I'll trick-or-treat MY way.
05x16 - Holidays Season 5 / Episode 16: - Holidays

Doug Ptolemy: Do you like Halloween, Blip?
Blip: Halloween? No, no, it's the most frightening night of the year.
Doug Ptolemy: Yeah, some of those costumes are pretty wild.
Blip: No-no, not the costumes.
Doug Ptolemy: Ohhhh, you mean all those ghosts and goblins that're around?
Blip: No, not all those ghosts and goblins. I mean you kids out there trickin' and treatin' when you should be in here spending your money - that's what scares ME.
05x16 - Holidays Season 5 / Episode 16: - Holidays

Lance Prevort: Dougie, are you all ready? Have you got soap for soapin' windows?
Doug Ptolemy: Yeah, I got soap, right there.
Lance Prevort: All right, and, uh, chalk. You gotta chalk obscenities on the sidewalk?
Doug Ptolemy: Yup.
Lance Prevort: Ah, let's see. Eggs. Uh, you got eggs?
Doug Ptolemy: Yeah, I got lots of eggs. Mom gave me some - very smelly.
Lance Prevort: Really rotten eggs - that's perfect. Oh, and, uh, paint?
Doug Ptolemy: Yeah, I got it right here.
Lance Prevort: Ah, Dougie, I guess you are all ready. Away you go. Hm-hm.
Doug Ptolemy: But, Dad, all I wanna do is get out there and collect some candy.
Lance Prevort: Listen! What was good enough for me when I was a kid is good enough for you. Now, get out there and vandalize!
05x14 - Halloween Season 5 / Episode 14: - Halloween

Vanessa Lindores: Dougie, what're you doing with that rabbit?
Doug Ptolemy: Um, I'm waiting for it to lay some Easter eggs.
Vanessa Lindores: [laughs] I don't believe this. Listen, Doug, I hate to break this to you but bunnies don't lay eggs.
Doug Ptolemy: Oh, yeah?
Doug Ptolemy: [revealing several highly decorative Easter eggs] What's this, this and this?
Vanessa Lindores: Oh, wow! Let me SEE this rabbit!
Doug Ptolemy: Be careful, Vanessa! Don't shake her up or else you might make the colors run.
05x14 - Halloween Season 5 / Episode 14: - Halloween

Doug Ptolemy: [depressed] I just found out it's really Dad who's Santa Claus.
Valerie Prevort: Nooo. Bucha know, I've always wondered why he keeps all those reindeer in the garage.
05x14 - Halloween Season 5 / Episode 14: - Halloween

Santa Claus: What's the matter with our little elf... our little, uh, BOY, Mother Claus?
Mother Claus: He's upset to find out that you're really Santa Claus and not just some regular father PRETENDING.
Santa Claus: Oh, ho-ho-ho!
Doug Ptolemy: Boy, what a disappointment!
Santa Claus: [about to go into song] Now, Dougie - "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why..."
Doug Ptolemy: Oh, Dad, shut up!
05x14 - Halloween Season 5 / Episode 14: - Halloween

Christine McGlade: Uh, Dougie, um... Why are you carrying that club?
Doug Ptolemy: It's my Christmas club.
Christine McGlade: I could be wrong, but I thought a Christmas Club was when you put money in the bank until Christmas so that you could get what you wanted when Christmas came.
Doug Ptolemy: Well, you see, this is sort of the same thing, but... If Santa Claus doesn't bring me what I want, he's gonna get clubbed.
05x14 - Halloween Season 5 / Episode 14: - Halloween

Doug Ptolemy: Why do we call Thanksgiving Thanksgiving?
Vanessa Lindores: Well, because we give thanks to the bountiful harvest.
Doug Ptolemy: Well, why do we call it Labor Day?
Vanessa Lindores: Because we celebrate the working person.
Doug Ptolemy: Why do we call it Good Friday.
Vanessa Lindores: Because we get a day off school, and that's good.
05x12 - Technology Season 5 / Episode 12: - Technology

Ben Schreiner: When a businessman creates an empire by stomping on his competitors, what's that called?
Doug Ptolemy: Ambition?
Ben Schreiner: And when a politician lies and cheats to get elected, what's that called?
Doug Ptolemy: Ambition?
Ben Schreiner: But when a kid writes his own note because he's late for school, what's that called?
Doug Ptolemy: Ambition?
Ben Schreiner: Nope. Detention.
05x12 - Technology Season 5 / Episode 12: - Technology

Doug Ptolemy: Hey, Alasdair, what was the most ambitious thing you've ever done?
Alasdair Gillis: Well, I did once try to get into the Book of World Records for the highest score in a PacMan game.
Doug Ptolemy: So what happened?
Alasdair Gillis: Well, I DID get into the book of records but under a different category.
Doug Ptolemy: What was that?
Alasdair Gillis: Most quarters spent by a thirteen-year-old in a single day.
05x12 - Technology Season 5 / Episode 12: - Technology

Ben Schreiner: You know what the funny thing about ambition is?
Doug Ptolemy: No.
Ben Schreiner: If you don't have enough, you're lazy, and if you have too much, you're ruthless. You just can't win.

Previous: Vanessa Lindores Next: Alasdair
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