Type
Scripted
Premiered
Apr. 19, 1990
Status
Canceled/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
NBC TV Network
Genre
07x13 - Sons and Lovers Season 7 / Episode 13: - Sons and Lovers

Roy Biggins: My son is gay, Helen. You expect me to be proud of that?
Helen: Oh, Roy, you don't have to be proud of it, but you can *accept* it.
Roy Biggins: ...And what if I can't?
Helen: [pauses] You haven't seen your son in 5 years, right?
Roy Biggins: Yes.
Helen: Did you miss him?
Roy Biggins: [Sadly] Yes.
Helen: Well... get used to it.
07x03 - Death Becomes Him Season 7 / Episode 3: - Death Becomes Him

Joe Montgomery Hackett: What, what are you doing, Faye? You got an idea?
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: [Mischievously] Maybe this body will do. People look very different when they pass on. Kingsbury was a recluse; no one's seen him in years! Now, let's see what we've got here. Pop the hood! [Brian opens the casket]... Well, this dame's not gonna cut it.
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Roy Biggins: Doesn't surprise me. Once you've been with Roy Biggins, you don't want another man!
Antonio: Sounds about right.
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Roy Biggins: I was so good, I screamed out my own name!
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: I was trying to hurt him, not you. Come on. What do you say? Can you help me out? For old times sake?
Roy Biggins: Ha! What the hell! What's one more roll in the hay, huh?
Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: Really?
Roy Biggins: Nah!... I'm such a tease!
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Roy Biggins: But some part of you must have... wanted to be here with me. You could've just TOLD him we slept together. You could've just lied to him, Syl.
Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: No. He knows me too well. I can't fake things with him the way I could with you.
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: I'm sorry, Roy. When I found out about him & his secretary, all I could think about was getting even by sleeping with the first guy I could find. I knew that would hurt him.
Roy Biggins: But why did you pick ME?
Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: Cause I knew THAT would kill him!
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Brian Hackett: [to Roy] The fact is that when one guy sees another guy about to get dumped on, he wants to help him out... even if that guy's you!
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Roy Biggins: She just wants to get me into bed & use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian Hackett: Exactly.
Roy Biggins: I can live with that! [slams door]
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Mark the Waiter: I agree with Brian. It's very straaange.
Brian Hackett: Who are you again?
Antonio: Don't you remember? He's Helen's crab boy!
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Helen: Joe, you've gotta help me! That kid's been staring at me for hours!
Joe Hackett: He's got a crush on you. What do you want me to do?
Helen: Tell him take a hike! Tell him to beat it! Kick his weirdo butt outta here! I would, but I'm too nice!
Joe Hackett: Helen, I'm not gonna break his heart. Besides, who can blame him? [imitating Mark] You got the kind of spatulas that drive men wiiiild!
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Brian Hackett: My God! Look at that woman! That's Roy's ex-wife!
Alex: Hold it! Hold it! Somebody actually married Roy?
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: That's your ex-wife? She's so elegant & refined & attractive &... ummmm...
Roy Biggins: And what? Is it so hard to believe she was married to me?
Alex: Yeah! What'd she do, lose a bet?
05x21 - Roy Crazy Season 5 / Episode 21: - Roy Crazy

Mark the Waiter: I'm Mark... your waiter... from the Crab House... I served you... craaaaabs... I just came by to say 'hi'... so... hiii...
05x10 - Come Fly with Me Season 5 / Episode 10: - Come Fly with Me

Joe Montgomery Hackett: Hey, anyone interested in going down to the junior high and seeing this production of "Jesus Christ Superstar"?
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Oh, they canceled it. Jesus couldn't make it. He got grounded.
05x10 - Come Fly with Me Season 5 / Episode 10: - Come Fly with Me

Lowell Mather: Tucker and I are going on a rat shoot tonight. I'd invite you along, but you know what they say about rat shoots: Two's company, three's cross-fire.
05x10 - Come Fly with Me Season 5 / Episode 10: - Come Fly with Me

Joe Montgomery Hackett: C'mon! Let's get off this rock and go to Boston - a city where people DO something! A city where people drink for social reasons.
05x09 - 2 Good 2 B 4 Gotten Season 5 / Episode 9: - 2 Good 2 B 4 Gotten

Antonio Scarpacci: I'll never have enough money to send to my father.
Roy Biggins: Oh, Scarpacci, quit complaining. At least your dad's an ocean away. My mom is right down the road at that old folks home - or as I like to call it, "Seizures Palace."
05x09 - 2 Good 2 B 4 Gotten Season 5 / Episode 9: - 2 Good 2 B 4 Gotten

Joe Montgomery Hackett: [after finding a teddy bear hanging by a noose over his desk] What did I tell you? Sandy is crazy! Maybe you'll believe me now!
Helen Chapel: Yeah, Joe's right. This is pretty weird.
Brian Michael Hackett: Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? This could be a suicide. Check the bear for signs of a struggle.
Alex Lambert: Maybe we should call the police.
Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah, because if we stand here and do nothing, then another innocent stuffed toy could get whacked.
Helen Chapel: Brian...
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Yeah, c'mon - this is not funny! We gotta do something!
Alex Lambert: Now, first things first. I think we should... notify the bear's next-of-kin.
Helen Chapel: How can you two kid around at a time like this?
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Thank you, Helen!
Helen Chapel: A bear has died!
05x08 - Joe Blows (2) Season 5 / Episode 8: - Joe Blows (2)

Brian Michael Hackett: And as if that *weren't* enough, I'm the one who's sittin' here wearing a FREAKIN' CLOWN SUIT!
05x08 - Joe Blows (2) Season 5 / Episode 8: - Joe Blows (2)

Brian Michael Hackett: [Reading Fay's to-do list] I know the goat is a roadie tart, but I bought your dog a grape jar?
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: I know we got off to a rocky start, but I think you're doing a great job.
05x07 - Joe Blows (1) Season 5 / Episode 7: - Joe Blows (1)

Joe Montgomery Hackett: Sir, it took me some doing, but here it is. Here's your briefcase. Look, I'm really very sorry that you had a bad experience with Sandpiper and I'd like the chance to make it up to you. So, if you ever decide to fly with us again, that flight's on the house, okay?
Luggage Man: [Glances at briefcase] It's scratched.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: What?
Luggage Man: There's a scratch on it, right here, and it wasn't there before. I'm filing a damage claim. Somebody's going to pay for this, and it's *not* going to be me.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: [laughing] Well, that's not a problem, sir! There's no need to file a report. Here, come with me; I've got just the thing for you. I am going to take your briefcase and put it through our special scratch remover! [Throws briefcase through office door] You can collect your bags right through there! Thank you for flying Sandpiper!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: All right, Scotty, where were we? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you were, uh, asking me about my life. [Takes map of Nantucket off of Roy's wall] I think that right here is pretty much everything you need to know. [Points at map] This is Nantucket. I was born here, I live here, and I am probably gonna die here. [Throws map]
Brian Michael Hackett: Joe, take it easy! Relax!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Relax? I can't relax! If I relax, who's gonna try to keep this damn airline in business? Certainly not you. No, you're too busy wrestling with life's greater problems, like your recent bout with mediocre sex.
Brian Michael Hackett: Little louder, Joe, I don't think everybody heard you.
Roy Biggins: No, I can hear fine, thanks.
Helen Chapel: [after Joe knocks a stool over at the lunch counter] Joe, stop it!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: No, YOU stop it, Helen! You stop coming to me every time you have a problem with your boyfriend! Did it ever occur to you that I am alone here, and maybe I don't wanna hear about it? I am SICK of everyone running to me everytime they have a problem. Faye has a crisis, run to Joe; Antonio wants to buy a new cab, run to Joe; Roy wants to gloat, run to Joe. Well, where do *I* run to? Where do *I* go? Where do I go, when my dream of flying jets turns into the nightmare of being a baggage handler, huh? SOMEBODY tell me. Where do I go... when it finally dawns on me that my life SUCKS?
04x16 - The Gift (2) Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Gift (2)

Antonio Scarpacci: Lowell? Lowell? Lowell? I-I know you're playing the part of a stagehand, but why do you have to rehearse hammering?
Lowell Mather: Antonio, Antonio... you might as well ask, "Why did that actor gain 60 pounds to play the role of Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull?"
Antonio Scarpacci: De Niro?
Lowell Mather: Of course it was for the money!
04x07 - It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House Season 4 / Episode 7: - It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House

Brian Michael Hackett: [Spotting Alex entering the terminal] Hello - Alex Lambert, helicopter pilot from Heaven.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Oh, wow! I'd sell my soul to the devil for her.
Brian Michael Hackett: I'd drag myself naked across broken glass just to kiss one of her footprints.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Well, I would walk across hot coals just to get to that ground glass.
Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah? Well, I would doggy-paddle across a pool of hungry pirhanas...
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: [Interrupting] Oh, stop it! You two are terrible! I'd take you both over my knee except I'm afraid you'd like it!
04x07 - It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House Season 4 / Episode 7: - It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House

Alex Lambert: I'd rather be alone than with that loser we met tonight.
Helen Chapel: What was that on his head? A toupee or a piece of sod?
Alex Lambert: I want that guy's mirror, you know? The one that talks back to him and says, "Hey! Looking good!"
04x05 - Mathers of the Heart Season 4 / Episode 5: - Mathers of the Heart

Roy Biggins: You know Fay you really are quite a handsome woman.
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Just how many martinis did you have at lunch today?
Roy Biggins: Three. Why?
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: I can always tell when Roy's had lunch at the Elks Club.
Antonio Scarpacci: Perhaps you should just accept Roy's compliment for what it is. After all, you do look particularly appealing this afternoon.
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: And where did you eat lunch?
Antonio Scarpacci: I was Roy's guest.
03x22 - As Fate Would Have It Season 3 / Episode 22: - As Fate Would Have It

Lowell Mather: The plane's available thanks to that bachelor party, bachelor party that might I add no one invited me to.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Lowell, you don't even like Jim Barto.
Lowell Mather: But I like watchin' strippers...even if they are my cousins.
03x22 - As Fate Would Have It Season 3 / Episode 22: - As Fate Would Have It

Helen Chapel: What the hell's this 'transponder' he keeps talking about?
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: It's a transmitter that sends out a constant homing signal so that, in the event of a crash, they'll be sure to find us.
Helen Chapel: And if we don't have one?
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Well, what's the nautical equivalent of 'needle in a haystack?'
03x22 - As Fate Would Have It Season 3 / Episode 22: - As Fate Would Have It

Roy Biggins: Attention: Aeromass flight 17 to Boston is now departing this piddly airport at Gate One.
03x17 - Das Plane Season 3 / Episode 17: - Das Plane

Carlton Blanchard: What do you suppose they do with those little pieces of metal they punch out when they make a flute?

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