Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 01, 1991
Status
Canceled/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
Canada
Network
CBC TV Network
Genre

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The Red Green Show (CA) tv show photo

The Red Green Show (CA)

The Red Green Show is a unique half-hour comedy series targeted at family audiences. Set way up north at the infamous Possum Lodge. It's a show for anyone who thinks God created man to give the rest of the world something to laugh at!

05x02 - The Driving Test Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Driving Test

Red Green: [birds chirping, loon calling] Women know where they're going. Men drive. [sounds of worn engine revving, tires squealing]
05x01 - Men's Night On The Mountain Season 5 / Episode 1: - Men's Night On The Mountain

Red Green: All right... aware.
Dalton Humphries: Sober.
Red Green: Touchy.
Dalton Humphries: Feely.
Red Green: Touchy-feely.
Dalton Humphries: Richard Simmons?
Red Green: Compared to you, your wife is more...
Dalton Humphries: Overweight.
Red Green: Emotionally, she's more...
Dalton Humphries: Weepy!
Red Green: No, she notices things more, because she's...
Dalton Humphries: Picky.
Red Green: You would never say to your wife that she's picky, overweight or weepy because...
Dalton Humphries: Castration?
Red Green: The vertical hold on your television set.
Dalton Humphries: Sensitive.
05x01 - Men's Night On The Mountain Season 5 / Episode 1: - Men's Night On The Mountain

Edgar Montrose: I saw that one. You know, the native guy was okay, he should have got the Oscar. But the rest of it... was a yawn. Now what they needed there was for one of those buffalo to get backed up with methane, catch his hoof on a piece of flint, go off like a big furry grenade! KA-BOOM!... Talk about your burgers to go.
05x01 - Men's Night On The Mountain Season 5 / Episode 1: - Men's Night On The Mountain

Red Green: We decided to go cliff diving off of Rock Reef Point. I got the application form right here. Here are the only two rules. Number one, you got to promise to go right off the top, and number two, you got to do your best to try and hit the water. Want me to sign you up there, Harold?
Harold Green: No, I don't think so, no, never, no, no.
Red Green: Good, good. That proves it's for real men only.
Harold Green: Proves it's for men like you only.
Red Green: We're a dying breed, Harold.
Harold Green: Coincidence? I don't think so.
05x01 - Men's Night On The Mountain Season 5 / Episode 1: - Men's Night On The Mountain

Garth Harble: Garth Harble here, animal control, reminding you that wild animals can smell fear. Of course, if it smells bad enough, why, they won't eat you. Hey, I'm alive.
05x01 - Men's Night On The Mountain Season 5 / Episode 1: - Men's Night On The Mountain

Red Green: [birds chirping, loon calling] Women accept who they are. Men have to prove it. [sound of revving chainsaw, followed by crashing tree]
04x19 - The Real Estate Project Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Real Estate Project

Red Green: [describing a scene that shows him stream-fishing with Harold]... and Harold and I are gonna try and have some "quiet time", but he keeps talking!
04x08 - The Badger Project Season 4 / Episode 8: - The Badger Project

Ranger Gord: Here's a new joke I just made up: "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "No one." "No one who?" "No one. Just no one. Ever."
04x08 - The Badger Project Season 4 / Episode 8: - The Badger Project

Harold Green: I cannot believe Old Man Sedgwick still drinks to excess. He should start acting his age.
Red Green: If Old Man Sedgwick acted his age, he'd be ten years dead.
04x06 - The Schoolhouse Project Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Schoolhouse Project

Red Green: If my dog had eaten as much homework as I said he did, he'd be passing firelogs!
04x06 - The Schoolhouse Project Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Schoolhouse Project

Dougie Franklin: Don't adjust your set... the show's supposed to look like this.
04x06 - The Schoolhouse Project Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Schoolhouse Project

Dougie Franklin: [in a tone of slightly sad disgust and resigned acceptance] Don't adjust your set - the show is SUPPOSED to look like this!
04x05 - The Hydrogen Project Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Hydrogen Project

Winston Rothschild: Winston Rothschild here for Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, where we put the P.U. in pump!
04x05 - The Hydrogen Project Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Hydrogen Project

Buzz Sherwood: If you can't be with the plane you love, love the plane you're with.
04x04 - The Firewood Project Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Firewood Project

Red Green: [singing] Trapper Jack was hunting bear, a dangerous hobby at best / We brought him back to the doctor in town, and he was a heck of a mess / There was some assembly required, mostly teeth and bones and hair / Jack had always been good with a knife / But unfortunately... not quite as good as the bear.
04x04 - The Firewood Project Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Firewood Project

Dalton Humphries: Never say to a woman that anything she does is silly.
Red Green: Otherwise, she might mention that spice rack you built her.
Dalton Humphries: Or that new fishing hat.
Red Green: Or that silly lodge you joined.
04x04 - The Firewood Project Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Firewood Project

Mike Hamar: [as he and Red use popcorn to insulate a house] It's all set. It's all done. That popcorn's in there for life. Er, 25 to life.
Red Green: [to camera] Well, he would know.
04x03 - The Beer Project Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Beer Project

Red Green: Two things you need at a bar is ice and water; water for mixing drinks and ice to drop into people's shorts and into their hats, depending on where their hangover is.
04x03 - The Beer Project Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Beer Project

Dougie Franklin: You're watching "The Red Green Show" and nobody can stop you.
04x03 - The Beer Project Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Beer Project

Red Green: [Reads a poem called "Tiny Shoots"] Tiny shoots come out of the ground. Crocuses, tulips and daffodils rise to a height of 2 1/2 inches and are frozen in time, not by a late frost, but by a dirty lawnmower.
04x03 - The Beer Project Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Beer Project

Red Green: [Enters the room, gagging] Blecch! Hmm. Well, I have no idea what we did wrong, but our first batch of homemade beer did not taste all that great.
Harold Green: Well, Uncle Red, did you boil and sterilize all the beer vats and beer bottles?
Red Green: How do you mean?
Harold Green: Well, you gotta boil everything to make sure all the germs have been removed.
Red Green: Well, we wipe them on our shirts. Our shirts are clean.


Harold Green: Uncle Red, you gotta make sure the canisters are perfectly sterile.
Red Green: Harold, the only thing perfectly sterile up here is Old Man Sedgwick. Besides, how can you boil a hot tub?
Harold Green: Okay, but you know what happens when you get in one of those unwanted nasty little germs and bacteria...
Red Green: Yeah, they end up producing your show.
04x03 - The Beer Project Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Beer Project

Harold Green: But Uncle Red, you cannot make a fine quality lager using Kool-Aid technology!
04x03 - The Beer Project Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Beer Project

Harold Green: You know, the ancient Romans brewed beer, Harold. In fact, every great Western civilization brewed beer. Did you know that?
Red Green: Yes, I did. And did you know that, at some point, every great civilization collapsed? Connection, perhaps?
Red Green: Harold, if it's good enough for Julius Caesar, it's good enough for Possum Lodge.
Harold Green: Veni, vidi, vomiti. I came, I saw, I ralphed.
04x02 - The Owl Project Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Owl Project

Harold Green: Whatcha got there, Uncle Red?
Red Green: Oh, it's a citation from the Wildlife Department. I shot their truck. You'd be amazed how much a Land Rover looks like a blue rhino.
Harold Green: Especially with YOUR eyesight.
Red Green: That's why I have the semi-automatic. The aim is not so crucial, with that one.
04x02 - The Owl Project Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Owl Project

Red Green: As you get older, you realize you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you can get yet another financial setback.
04x01 - The Beef Project Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Beef Project

Ranger Gord: Having a groovy pajama party - bring all your Abba albums.
04x01 - The Beef Project Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Beef Project

Red Green: [singing] Oh, there's a hole in my tent and the water's coming in./It's rainin' on my hat, and it's drippin' on my chin./Always remember camping lesson number one./If there're bugs in your tent, don't shoot 'em with a gun.
04x01 - The Beef Project Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Beef Project

Harold Green: [smiling in happy relief upon hearing Red shamefacedly report that none of the macho Possum Lodge members could bring themselves to kill a cow so that it could be slaughtered] Well, I am very proud of you guys, Uncle Red! It makes a sensitive-hearted vegetarian like me feel so good to hear something like that.
Red Green: [a little sulkily] Don't make it worse, Harold.
04x01 - The Beef Project Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Beef Project

Red Green: [talking about the lodge members' plan to slaughter the cow] Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his '69 Cadillac. He's got twice as much legroom there, which is good, 'cause the cow's got twice as much leg.
Harold Green: Stinky's putting a FARM ANIMAL in the back of his CADILLAC? What about the SMELL?
Red Green: The cow didn't seem to mind.
04x01 - The Beef Project Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Beef Project

Red Green: Eating meat is like having kids - the less you know about it, the more likely you are to go ahead.

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