03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Laura Petrie: You're not really THAT nervous, are you?
Rob Petrie: Not nervous? When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower?
03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, I got a feeling this kid's the worst comic since the history of show business.
Sally Rogers: Wait a minute. Don't forget I saw YOU.
Buddy Sorrell: I'm willing to bet you ten bucks he's worse than I ever was.
Sally Rogers: I'll take that bet.


Kenny Dexter: [entering, imitating James Cagney] All right, you dirty rats, just gimme the jokes, because I got a rod in my pocket, see, and it's curtains for you. It's a curtain rod.

03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Kenny Dexter: Well, people say I'm kind of a cross between Danny Kaye, Red Skelton and Sammy Davis Jr.
Buddy Sorrell: This kid don't need an act. He needs a large dressing room.
03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Kenny Dexter: Hey, you know, I'm glad you didn't write my act yet, see, 'cause I got some great ideas. Now, the way I see it, the act should open with a dark stage, then a drum roll - T-D-D-D-D-D-D - then the spotlight hits me, and there I am in my white tuxedo!
Buddy Sorrell: What a target!
03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Rob Petrie: Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?
Kenny Dexter: Yeah, I've been taking voice lessons for three and a half weeks.
Sally Rogers: He's ready, then.
03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Kenny Dexter: What is this, an audience or a jury?
03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Max Calvada: Uh, Mrs. Petrie, I've taken the liberty of arranging for your transportation home because these folks have to stay on with me for a little business discussion.
Rob Petrie: Well, here-here? Tonight?
Max Calvada: Right now while the memory of Kenneth's debut is still fresh in our mind.
03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Rob Petrie: [realizing] Big Max Calvada...
Sally Rogers: I, uh, wonder why he's waitin' to see you.
Rob Petrie: [with growing dread] Because I TOLD him to wait.
03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Rob Petrie: [fearing for their lives] Hey, Sal, whadda you think?
Sally Rogers: Well, um, er, gosh, Rob. I-I-I don't know. What do you think, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, sh - sure. I agree with Rob.
Rob Petrie: Well, there's... uh, there's one thing we... another... that we got to consider is money, you know, because we already have a job.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, The Alan Brady Show.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, we... we've got an exclu... exclusive contract.
Sally Rogers: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: That's right.
Max Calvada: That could be worked out.
Rob Petrie: Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.
Sally Rogers: I think so.
Buddy Sorrell: I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.
Max Calvada: He knows ME.
Rob Petrie: And I suppose that, uh, Alan knows him, too.
Sally Rogers: Oh, sure.
Rob Petrie: Then there's the matter of money. We're gonna have to charge an awful lot of money.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: A fortune. Don't forget, there's three of us.
Buddy Sorrell: We get a lot of loot for three. Right.
Max Calvada: Money is no object.
Rob Petrie: I would imagine the money's probably no object.
03x09 - Big Max Calvada Season 3 / Episode 9: - Big Max Calvada

Max Calvada: He's openin' at the Diamond Club.
Sally Rogers: The Diamond Club?
Rob Petrie: Uh, you weren't, uh, thinking of opening Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you?
Max Calvada: Who's not thinkin' of it?
Rob Petrie: Mr. Calvada, I... I tell you, the Diamond Spot is-is one of the-the top spots around, and-and Kenny... Well, I mean, gifted as he may be, is-is an unknown.
Max Calvada: [not to be argued with] I know 'im. And coincidentally, the performer who is currently appearing there... took sick - next week.
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Rob Petrie: What about your Aunt Agnes?
Sally Rogers: Oh, no. You know what Aunt Agnes says about men.
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: "Man is like the drifting snow. It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door, and before long you can't get out of the house."
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Uncle George: Hi, everybody! Rise and shine! Coffee's perking and I'm here to get mine!
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Laura Petrie: Well, one big breakfast coming up.
Rob Petrie: Uh, bad choice of words, Honey.
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Uncle George: I'll bet you know a million women.


Rob Petrie: Well, uh... I, uh, know a few.
Uncle George: Well, wrap one up to go and bring her home tonight.
Rob Petrie: Uncle George, I just can't run out and grab a woman...
Uncle George: Now, listen, Robbie. When you were a little boy, did I ever deny you anything?
Rob Petrie: Well, no, not that I...
Uncle George: Ice cream, lollipops, anything you ever wanted?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, yeah...
Uncle George: Well... bring me a woman.
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Mel Cooley: Uh, if Alan doesn't have that script by four o'clock, he's gonna start tearing his hair out.
Buddy Sorrell: [looking at Mel's bald head] Kind of makes you sad, doesn't it?
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Rob Petrie: Herman, I wanna give you this straight: we brought your mother here to introduce her to a man.
Herman Glimscher: A man?
Sally Rogers: Mm.
Herman Glimscher: Who?
Laura Petrie: Well, it's Rob's Uncle George. He's visiting here form Danville and he wanted to meet some nice lady.
Sally Rogers: And we couldn't find any, so we invited your mother.
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Herman Glimscher: Please, please, keep your voices down.
Rob Petrie: Are we shouting?
Herman Glimscher: No, but Mother's got marvelous ears. She hears everything.
Sally Rogers: Mm, I think she's got transistors in her teeth.
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Rob Petrie: Boy I wish I was one of those Danish doctors.
Laura Petrie: How would THAT help?
Rob Petrie: Well, it wouldn't, except I'd be in Denmark.
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Rob Petrie: D'you think Mrs. Glimscher would like a mustache?
Sally Rogers: No, I don't think so. She keeps shaving hers off.
03x08 - Uncle George Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George

Uncle George: [long and protractedly] Hellooooo, little golden dove!
Sally Rogers: [mimicking] Hellooooo, big silver bird.
03x07 - Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius? Season 3 / Episode 7: - Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius?

Rob Petrie: Boy, do I feel married today.
03x07 - Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius? Season 3 / Episode 7: - Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius?

Sally Rogers: So long, Mel. See you tomorrow at noon.
Mel Cooley: Noon? You always come in that late?
Sally Rogers: Well, don't forget, I go home early.
03x07 - Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius? Season 3 / Episode 7: - Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius?

Graciella: And to think I slept with your raisin cake under my pillow.
03x06 - Too Many Stars Season 3 / Episode 6: - Too Many Stars

Millie Helper: [auditioning with a sentimental love song she wrote herself] "My heart got a smash in the face. That night I will never erase. You saw me standing 'neath the sun and the stars, and I was something to see, but you took hold of my aching heart and kicked it right in the knee. My heart has a terrible scar. I'll get you for this, wherever you are, but first I'll kill myself! I'm funny that way. But, seriously, darling - you're OK."
03x06 - Too Many Stars Season 3 / Episode 6: - Too Many Stars

Laura Petrie: Rob, why don't you just come out and admit it? She was very very good.
Rob Petrie: All right, she was fantastic. All right, you know, for what she does there.
Laura Petrie: Well, what does THAT mean?
Rob Petrie: Well, Honey, it just means that the whole thing is... is just a trick, that's all.
Laura Petrie: A trick?
Rob Petrie: Well, yeah. She fooled everybody, Honey. You come out and sing great and dance great, people are GONNA think you're talented. She didn't fool me, though. Not for one minute. I saw through her. You take away all that fabulous dancing, all that great singing, what is there left? Nothing but that... haunting beauty.
03x06 - Too Many Stars Season 3 / Episode 6: - Too Many Stars

Sally Rogers: Hey, come on, fellas, whadda you say we get to work, huh? I got a very important if-date.
Buddy Sorrell: An if-date?
Sally Rogers: Yeah. If he shows up and if he asks me, I got a date.
03x06 - Too Many Stars Season 3 / Episode 6: - Too Many Stars

Rob Petrie: I don't want any more of those sketches about Alan wakin' up in the morning and finding a Saint Bernard in his bed.
Buddy Sorrell: That's the truth. It happened to me.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, you never had a Saint Bernard in your bed.
Buddy Sorrell: No? Did you ever see my wife in the morning? I keep yellin' at her, "Take off that ridiculous cask of brandy!"
03x05 - All About Eavesdropping Season 3 / Episode 5: - All About Eavesdropping

Sally Rogers: Gee, what a beautiful ashtray!
Buddy Sorrell: Gorgeous, gorgeous!
Sally Rogers: Yes.
Laura Petrie: We gave them that ashtray. We gave them this lamp, too.
Rob Petrie: No special reason, just in friendship.
Laura Petrie: That's right.
Sally Rogers: [long, uncomfortable pause] BOY, this is a beautiful ashtray!
03x05 - All About Eavesdropping Season 3 / Episode 5: - All About Eavesdropping

Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, let's play "Who Am I", huh? Who am I?
Rob Petrie: We gave you that vase, too.
Jerry Helper: I know, I know, thanks. Who am I?
Rob Petrie: You're not Eleanor Roosevelt, I'll tell you that for sure.
Jerry Helper: Come on. Who am I? Let's play. What do you say, Rob?
Millie Helper: [long, uncomfortable pause] Let's play charades!
Jerry Helper: Charades! Everybody loves charades! Hey, I got it. Laura, Rob and I, we'll be on one team, and Millie, Sally and Buddy, you're on the other.
Millie Helper: Charades all right, Rob? Laura?
Laura Petrie: It's your house.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You didn't give them the house?
03x05 - All About Eavesdropping Season 3 / Episode 5: - All About Eavesdropping

Rob Petrie: Hey, Honey, will you bring me a handkerchief?
Laura Petrie: [calling from bedroom] We're only going next door.
Rob Petrie: I can... I can run back here and blow my nose, I guess.

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