02x08 - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost

Franklin Sherman: A penguin! [angrily] And he's been drinking! Wait a minute. Penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!
02x08 - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost

Jeremy Hawke: Vlada, there's a radio in my soup.
Vlada: I will get you a new one right away. [yanks a tub his mother is soaking her feet in] Sorry, Mamma. [serves the tub to Jeremy]
Jeremy Hawke: Vlada, there's an old lady's stocking in my soup.
Vlada: She is not so old!... I mean... it's a noodle.
02x08 - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost

Humphrey the Hippo: Have you kids been smoking like I asked you to?
Girl: [in Doris' voice] Yeah, I'm up to four packs a day!
Humphrey the Hippo: Ok, kids. Now Humphrey's gonna tell ya what happens when you get a lung removed...


Humphrey the Hippo: ...You get free ice cream!


Girl: [coughing] Yay!
02x07 - Sherman of Arabia Season 2 / Episode 7: - Sherman of Arabia

Jay Sherman: [telling his story to children] So, there I was - a grown man stuck in a honey pot.
Alice Tompkins: I thought it was an Arabian jail.
Jay Sherman: Oh, of course, how silly - a man stuck in a honey pot. [overturns a picture of him trapped in a hunnypot just like Winnie the Pooh]
02x07 - Sherman of Arabia Season 2 / Episode 7: - Sherman of Arabia

Captain Raheem: You will speak the blasphemous and self-denigrating dialogue that has been written for you!
Jay Sherman: Like I'm not used to that.
Captain Raheem: [handing him a paper] Read this!
Jay Sherman: There's going to be a really bitching kegger tonight at Captain Raheem's tent!
Captain Raheem: That's mine. Read this!
Jay Sherman: Dear Urkel: you are so funny. Can you come to my birthday party? Your friend, Captain Raheem.
Captain Raheem: Give me that!
Jay Sherman: Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G, and walks on the beach. Whoo-hoo! Kenny G.

02x07 - Sherman of Arabia Season 2 / Episode 7: - Sherman of Arabia

Eleanor Sherman: What's going to happen to our darling little boy?
Franklin Sherman: Don't worry, my darling. I have friends in high places who'll take care of everything.


President Bush: Franklin, great to see you. Been years.
Franklin Sherman: Mr. President, my son is being held hostage in Iraq, and I need you to save him. Now, I've given money to the Republicans for years and never asked for anything in return.
President Bush: You asked to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies!
Franklin Sherman: I didn't ask to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies. The balloon doggies demanded it!
02x06 - All the Duke's Men Season 2 / Episode 6: - All the Duke's Men

Duke Phillips: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'm going to tell you what I'm really going to do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm going raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the oceans, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
Ronald Reagan: Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.
Duke Phillips: Half you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about. California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.
Queen Elizabeth: Oh, I don't want that.
Prince Charles: More poison? I mean, tea?
Queen Elizabeth: Don't mind if I do. Oops. Almost had me there.


Duke Phillips: Well, that's my speech, and now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. Vote for Duke. Good night.
02x06 - All the Duke's Men Season 2 / Episode 6: - All the Duke's Men

Marty Sherman: Being President's hard work. And all the other kids want to do is goof off and eat candy.
Jay Sherman: Son, as President, you're above that.


Ronald Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your President, I will goof off and eat candy.


Crowd: Four more years! Four more years!
02x06 - All the Duke's Men Season 2 / Episode 6: - All the Duke's Men

Jay Sherman: It's a giant horse's ass! [to the audience] You're watching Fox. Give us 10 minutes, we'll give you an ass.
02x06 - All the Duke's Men Season 2 / Episode 6: - All the Duke's Men

Jay Sherman: Now, let's take a look at Francis Ford Coppola's New Musical: Apocalypse Wow!
Colonel Walter E. Kurtz: [singing] Howdy Doo! I'm Colonel Kurtz. Fat and Bald like old Fred Murtz. Watch me do a Hula Dance. To shake the egg rolls from my pants


Severed Heads on Implanted Spears: [singing] He's not bad, he's really just an odd man.
Colonel Walter E. Kurtz: [singing] And I've shaved my head like Dennis Rodman.
Photojournalist: [singing] He's a god, man!
Duke Phillips: [Appearing in Apocalypse Wow] Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke!... VOTE FOR DUKE!
Jay Sherman: Get that off my show!
02x06 - All the Duke's Men Season 2 / Episode 6: - All the Duke's Men

June Lockhart: [on why she's marrying Duke] Because he promised to bring back all the people that were lost in space... even Dr. Smith!
02x05 - From Chunk to Hunk Season 2 / Episode 5: - From Chunk to Hunk

Penny Tompkins: Momma, I'm scared of Peter Pan!
Alice Tompkins: We all are, Honey.
02x04 - A Song for Margo Season 2 / Episode 4: - A Song for Margo

Eleanor Sherman: First he stole my butler, now he's stealing my daughter!
Franklin Sherman: Well, he won't steal the silverware. I've glued that to the ceiling.


Jay Sherman: Uh, dad? I understand the silverware, but why the dog?
Franklin Sherman: You understand the silverware? Heh, heh! Cuckoo!
02x03 - Lady Hawke Season 2 / Episode 3: - Lady Hawke

Olivia Hawke: I love you. Tell me you love me too.
Jay Sherman: Well, I...
Alice Tompkins: Jay, you bewitchin', little booger! I got something to say. I love you, and I need to know, do you love me?
Jay Sherman: Well, I...
Queen Latifah: Baby, I love you the most, and now, you gotta be straight. Do you love me?
Jay Sherman: Uh, Queen Latifah?
Queen Latifah: Oops! Wrong office! [Exits]
02x03 - Lady Hawke Season 2 / Episode 3: - Lady Hawke

Queen Latifah: [In Jay's head] Baby, this is the Queen. I dub thee my Earl of Ecstasy.
Jay Sherman: Uh, Queen Latifah?
Queen Latifah: Wait a minute! This isn't Denzel Washington's head! [Exits]
02x02 - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice Season 2 / Episode 2: - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice

Gene Siskel: Ok, let's try a take. Wait, something's wrong. You don't look right. Try on this wig. [Puts a gray wig on Jay]
Jay Sherman: What?
Gene Siskel: Now, the glasses. [Puts a pair of glasses on Jay]
Jay Sherman: You're making me look like Roger.
Gene Siskel: Just do what I say!
Jay Sherman: Dammit, Gene! I'm not Roger! I'm never gonna be Roger! I wish I were! [Runs off sobbing]
02x02 - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice Season 2 / Episode 2: - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice

Roger Ebert: [Showing Jay a photo album] Here's Gene and me on Splash Mountain. Here we are winning the three-legged-race. And here's the Halloween we went as Ernie and Bert.
Jay Sherman: Shouldn't we get to work?
Roger Ebert: Sure, Gene. Anything you say.
Jay Sherman: You called me Gene.
Roger Ebert: I'm sorry, Gene. I'll never do it again... Gene.
Jay Sherman: My name is Jay, and I need some air! [Runs off sobbing] I'm not Gene!
02x02 - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice Season 2 / Episode 2: - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice

Jay Sherman: [Rips the foil of an Oscar, revealing chocolate] Now I want one more than ever!
02x02 - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice Season 2 / Episode 2: - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice

Film Critics: [Film Critics' Musical Number] We saw Tom Cruise sucking blood, Meg Ryan hit the booze.
02x02 - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice Season 2 / Episode 2: - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice

Roger Ebert: Oh, this is just a rip-off of Sleepless in Seattle.
Gene Siskel: Which was itself a rip-off of An Affair to Remember.
Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel: Which wasn't that good of a movie to start with.
02x02 - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice Season 2 / Episode 2: - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice

Gene Siskel: [singing] The Moonlight in his hair.
Roger Ebert: [singing] The Twinkle in his eye.
Gene Siskel: [singing] The Way he said 'Thumbs Up'.
Roger Ebert: [singing] The Way he said 'Thumbs Down'.
02x01 - Sherman, Woman and Child Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child

Humphrey Hippo: Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest, Madonna! Hey, Madonna!
Madonna: Don't f [beep] with me, Hippo.
Humphrey Hippo: Hey! Do you eat with that mouth?
Madonna: Yes. I also [beep] and [beep] with it.
Humphrey Hippo: Oooooh.
02x01 - Sherman, Woman and Child Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child

Jeremy Hawke: In the words of the immortal poet; "carpe canem!"
Jay Sherman: Yes! [exits and then reenters seconds later] "Carpe *canem*"? "Seize the *dog*"?
Jeremy Hawke: You heard me!
02x01 - Sherman, Woman and Child Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child

Jay Sherman: [singing] I'm a happy film critic / short and stout / I'll have the brisket.
Vlada Veramirovich: [singing] Sorry, we're out.
02x01 - Sherman, Woman and Child Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child

Cyrus Tompkins: I wanna thank you for what you did for my wife and my little girl. It was more than what I did.
Jay Sherman: There are a lot of people who would've done what I did. They're called putzes!
Cyrus Tompkins: I like pepperoni on my putzes.
Jay Sherman: I'll bet you do.
02x01 - Sherman, Woman and Child Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child

Jay Sherman: Boss, I'd like you to meet Alice Tompkins. She's the one who really turned my show around.
Alice Tompkins: It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation. "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?"
Duke Phillips: I still give that speech today. You know, Southern people like us have to work extra hard in New York. People hear the way we talk and just assume we're illiterate country bumpkins!


Bears: [to the tune of "Camptown Races"] We're the bears that sing for Duke / Doo-dah, Doo-dah / Drinking moonshine 'til we puke / All the doo-dah day.
Duke Phillips: [laughing] Big, dumb, belching bears!
01x13 - A Pig-Boy and His Dog Season 1 / Episode 13: - A Pig-Boy and His Dog

Jay Sherman: Help, or at least put me in a better Spielberg movie!
01x13 - A Pig-Boy and His Dog Season 1 / Episode 13: - A Pig-Boy and His Dog

Jay Sherman: Hello, and welcome to "Coming Attractions." Tonight we'll be reviewing "Barney the Dinosaur: The Motion Picture." Just look who got $10 million to play Barney!
Marlon Brando: This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose 100 pounds to play a dinosaur? Can't even see through the eyeholes on this thing.


Kid: Hey! Barney's being funny!
Marlon Brando: No, I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since "The Freshman," that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking, making that picture, let me tell you.
01x11 - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera Season 1 / Episode 11: - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera

Franklin Sherman: Hello, judge. Didn't I appoint you?
Judge: No, you appointed Mr. Potato Head, but the voters recalled him.
01x11 - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera Season 1 / Episode 11: - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera

Prosecutor: Mr. Phillips, please answer the question!
Duke Phillips: All right! Yes, I sold the mustard gas to Gaddafi!
Prosecutor: What?
Duke Phillips: Uh... mustard... gives me gas, as does taffy.
Judge: I have the same problem with fresh fruit.

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