|Season 10 / Episode 28: - J.J. Abrams|
Himself - Host: We end our part of the show with a correction. In our report tonight, a man named Poncho Denews claimed he was a "60 Minutes" intern and we believed him because he had an ID lanyard. Following the report, the Washington Post, the New York Times, and the TV Guide all reported that he was actually the actor Sam Waterston, star of "The Plastic Dome of Norma Jean". Look it up. We checked with our sources at IMDb and it turns out we made a mistake. We should have not used him in our report, and for that we are very sorry.
|Season 9 / Episode 38: - Carl Edgar Blake II|
Mr. Carson: Congratulations, My Lord, you are now the tea kingpin of Yorkshire.
Earl of Grantham: Yes, but it's a mixed blessing. As Byron once said, "mo' money, mo' quandaries."
|Season 9 / Episode 38: - Carl Edgar Blake II|
Mr. Carson: It's a shame that, in order to save Downton Abbey, Lord Grantham has sunk to brewing the Black Chamomile crank.
Thomas Barrow: Oh, stop acting so high and mighty, Mr. Carson. The tea tweakers can't get enough of His Lordship's Earl Blue. Apparently, they think it's "the shizzle-nizzle."
|Season 9 / Episode 38: - Carl Edgar Blake II|
Mr. Spider: Yo, pendejo, you got something of mine.
Earl of Grantham: Carson, is someone addressing me? [Carson presents a calling card tray to Spider]
Mr. Spider: Oh, sorry. [places a calling card in the tray, which Carson reads]
Mr. Carson: My Lord, a Mr. Spider to see you.
Earl of Grantham: Ah yes. What can I do for you, my good man?
Mr. Spider: Listen, English Muffin, where's my motherfucking tea?
Earl of Grantham: Thomas. [Thomas presents a brick of tea to Spider, who cuts it open, takes a sample on his pinkie finger, stirs it into a tea cup his sicario hands him, and drinks it]
Mr. Spider: Ahhh! I'll take that shit with some milk!
Earl of Grantham: Naturally... once we have been reimbursed for our efforts.
Mr. Spider: And why should I pay you, Mary Poppins, when I already got the recipe.
Mr. Carson: Who gave you the recipe?
Thomas Barrow: Uh, he, he must have gotten it from Mr. Bates. I told you he was unreliable.
Earl of Grantham: But I never gave Bates the recipe. [he and Carson reach into their jackets for guns]
Thomas Barrow: No, wait! [gunfire ensues]
|Season 8 / Episode 27: - Placido Domingo|
Stephen Colbert: [about CNN's iReports] Best of all, iReporters don't get paid. Instead they get something even better: badges - which I assume are redeemable for food and rent. Plus, you get - - nothing else. It's like an internship: if you work for free, putting your time, and your work is good enough, maybe one day, *you* could be laid off by CNN. Now iReports cut through the media filter, to report the news that people in the real world actually care about, like what Jo-Jo Gal ate for dinner last night, unnarrated vacation footage, late-breaking tortoise reports, investigative coverage of computers showing YouTube videos, photos without any explanations, the weather in a little girl's backyard, and the mindless dronings of a homeless man.
|Season 7 / Episode 69: - James B. Stewart|
Himself - Host: Tonight: Did the world end? Could be. A lot of places were closed yesterday.
|Season 6 / Episode 110: - Richard Engel|
Himself - Host: Toyota recalls the Matrix. Personally I think they should've recalled the sequels. They sucked.
|Season 3 / Episode 96: - Robert Shrum|
Stephen Colbert: [about Nepal] I refuse to take guff from a country whose primary industry is carrying.
|Season 3 / Episode 85: - Tom Hayden|
Stephen Colbert: Threat number two: Coral Reefs. According to microbiologists at Plymouth University in England, most of the world's coral reefs are riddled with herpes! Now, you're probably asking yourself, "How did the coral catch herpes?" Scientists blame humans for putting too much carbon into the oceans. But that doesn't answer the basic question: Who's been fucking the coral reefs? That's no where in their report. I looked. Now, I'm not surprised by this development. I've always found coral reefs to be the sluts of the sea, the way they dazzle us with their tropical colors, letting any ol' trigger fish make a home in their crevices. So SCUBA divers, for your protection, put a wet suit on that thing.
|Season 3 / Episode 138: - Walter Kirn|
Stephen Colbert: I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it. Sexy! This is The Colbert Report!
|Season 2 / Episode 84: - Amy Sedaris|
Stephen Colbert - Host: I also have a lot in common with Elvis. I love shooting televisions. In fact, I have a gun mounted on my Barcalounger.
|Season 2 / Episode 83: - Christopher Noxon|
Stephen Colbert - Host: ...but I did just read about one tax I can get behind. It was proposed by Iowa Republican Senator Charles Grassley, and it's aimed at pimps. The proposal calls for, quote, "a ten year prison sense for each prostitute a pimp has that hasn't filed a W-2 tax form." Damn, it's gettin' hard out there for a pimp! As well it should be. It's about time Congress put on its rings and slapped those byotches down. But, if you ask me, this plan does not go far enough to regulate aberrant sexual behavior. Which brings us to tonight's Word: Monkey Butter. I don't know what that means, but it sounds filthy and it should be stopped. [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Or Turned Into a Website] For years, the government has taxed just about anything that feels good. Cigarettes, alcohol, gambling. But they missed the biggest sin and largest potential revenue source of all: Doin' It. We all know [pauses for applause]... We all know there's way too much sex going on in America. [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Once a Year for Birthday Plenty] Too much sex not as God intended. I'm talkin' premarital sex, gay sex, sex with the lights on - it's disgusting! And it's destroying our society's moral fabric. It is time to slap a "sin tax" on sex. Here's how it works: Every time you... you know... Uncle Sam gets a piece of the action. The size of this tax would be inversely proportional to both the level of sexual deviance and your level of commitment to your partner. For example, a married couple, in the missionary position, for the express purpose of creating children - that costs nothing. [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Get what you pay for] Now, an unmarried but dating couple doing something freaky - I dunno, lady on top - that, that'll cost you about a hundred bucks. [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Cheaper Than Dinner and a Movie] Now, two drunk strangers hanging from a fluoresecent light in the bathroom of a Hardee's, that'll cost you a thousand dollars. What, what better way to encourage marriage? Now, you might ask, how will the government even know when I'm having sex? Well, thanks to advances in nanotechnology, they can monitor behavior by injecting a microchip directly into your... you know... dirty area, and it'll recognize when it's near another implanted chip. Think of it as an Easy Pass at the Sexual Tollbooth. [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Great Marvin Gaye Song] Every time [pauses for applause]... Every time your "gate" goes "up," the toll is automatically subtracted from your checking account. What could be easier? [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Driving Solo] [Responding to the graphic:] No, we'll figure out how to charge that, too. With my tax plan, we can restore America's moral character, while we're making America's budget deficit shrink. [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Size Matters] So, Congress, charge us every time we "get it on"... and that's The Word.
|Season 2 / Episode 70: - Steve Squyres|
Stephen Colbert: [In reference to the Battle of San Jacinto] Which proves conclusively once again that Mexicans are lazy and Texans will kill you in your sleep.
|Season 2 / Episode 45: - Jesse Jackson|
Host: A praying bear? Unlike bunnies bears have nothing to do with our Lord Jesus Christ. Bears don't pray because they're godless killing machines.
|Season 2 / Episode 38: - Dan Senor|
Host: The cereal once known as "Sugar Pops" then as "Corn Pops" has changed its name once again to "Pops". They already took out the sugar. Now they've taken out the corn. What the hell is left? Now I've always been suspicious of this particular cereal. It comes in that foil bag as if we needed extra shielding from some sort of radio active output. Plus it has no mascot. I just don't trust a kids cereal that can't even get a cartoon animal to endorse it.
|Season 2 / Episode 28: - Bob Schieffer|
Host: I propose that we eliminate cash entirely and do all transactions electronically. First, we give every American a number. Then we assign those numbers to a bar code. I call it the "Barcode for Economic And Sumptuary Transactions", or "B.E.A.S.T. for short. This ummm B.E.A.S.T. mark then will be branded or tattooed on the hand or the forehead of every American and can be used to track income, purchases, even people. The mark of the B.E.A.S.T., it's the key to fairer simpler tax collection. IRS...you're welcome.
|Season 2 / Episode 22: - Michael Eric Dyson|
Michael Eric Dyson: There's no 'I' in 'racism'.
|Season 2 / Episode 146: - Richard Linklater|
Stephen Colbert: I'm off next week, so savour me like the last rose of summer... This is The Colbert Report!
|Season 2 / Episode 129: - Andrew Sullivan|
Stephen Colbert: [Colbert is flying a Jedi Starfighter, and crashes into an enemy base ala Star Wars Episode Three] Oh, no! I'm being attacked by a space monster! I'd better use my lightsaber to fight it.
Battle Droid One: Watch out! We have a conservative broadcaster on the loose!
Battle Droid Two: We're going to need more droids.
Battle Droid One: What's he doing? He's out of his mind!
Battle Droid Two: These commentators are dangerous!
Battle Droid One: At least it's not Nancy Grace.
Jar Jar Binks: [after Stephen finishes off the last droid] Hey, Colberto! Waiten a minuta! Mesa have a question for yousa.
Stephen Colbert: [In a canned voice, as though trying to act] What's that Jar-Jar?
Jar Jar Binks: Now dat you defeated the droids and dis Rebel district is safe for democracy, whosa can we getsa to represent us? Mesa hoping it isn't dat little annoying boy from the desert wastelands who ended up joining the Empire. You know... Darth W. Vader?
Stephen Colbert: [In canned voice] Yousa wants to knowsa what congressdroid can representsa such a districta?
Jar Jar Binks: Whatsa wrong with yousa? Whosa speaks like that?
Stephen Colbert: [Puts arm around Jar-Jar] Why, it's none other than democratic representative Lynn Woolsey! I sat down with the congresswoman ...
Stephen Colbert: bye - in her Washington office.
|Season 2 / Episode 111: - Martin Short|
Martin Short: I love all people... and I love to help people... but not... before noon. I never said that before on TV, this show is HOT!
|Season 1 / Episode 27: - Craig Crawford|
Host: Hey, Hugo, if you think you're going to win the hearts and minds of Northeasterners away from our president, jokes on you, Chubby. He never had 'em.
"The Word" side-screen: Cuz We Could Send a Tanker For It. Whatever Works For You
Host: But, listen, that doesn't mean Americans are willing to give you their hearts and minds.
"The Word" side-screen: We'll Trade Them For Oil
Host: Now your ambassador said you are doing this because "we are all Americans." No we're not. We are Americans
"The Word" side-screen: USA! USA! USA!
Host: You are Venezuelans. Or at best you are South Americans or Central Americans, or whatever the hell Venezuela is.
"The Word" side-screen: Real Americans fail Geography
Host: The point is, we don't need your help, especially those of us who do need your help.
"The Word" side-screen: The Proud Helpless
Host: If anyone is going to give... If ANYONE is going to give poor Americans affordable heating oil it'll be US oil companies
"The Word" side-screen: Which They Probably Won't
Host: Which they won't!
"The Word" side-screen: I Knew It!
Host: Because, one simple reason, we respect them too much
"The Word" side-screen: Thank You?
Host: And Poor People, you're not off the hook either, stop being poor. By being destitute you make us look bad. Chavez recently said "there are people who died from cold in the winter in the US. Who Blabbed? Loose lips sink ships
"The Word" side-screen: Like Exxon Valdez?
Host: It is our patriotic duty to refuse this Socialist Oil.
"The Word" side-screen: Freeze for Freedom
Host: After Hurricane Katrina, Japan, Germany and Afghanistan offered us aid, but our president turned it all down.
"The Word" side-screen: He WHAT?!
Host: Because with all the troubles we have in this country
"The Word" side-screen: Terrorism Unemployment Outsourcing Gun Violence No Health Care Starving Children
Host: There is one thing Americans desperately need: [Help!] Pride. And that's the word
|Season 1 / Episode 24: - Richard Clarke|
Stephen Colbert: When it comes to mental gymnastics, I'm a 14-year-old Romanian girl. And I'm gonna stick this landing.
|Season 1 / Episode 23: - Katrina Vanden Heuvel|
Stephen Colbert: Mulch is my trademark thing to come down as a ton of.
|Season 1 / Episode 20: - Tim Robbins|
Himself - Host: Go out ten yards then button hook to the left. I'm gonna hit you with a perfect spiral of Truth.
|Season 1 / Episode 20: - Tim Robbins|
Himself - Host: Sharpen your carving knife and loosen your belt. You're coming over to my house for ThanksTruthing.
|Season 1 / Episode 19: - Matt Taibbi|
Himself - Host: Get ready for authenticity, veracity, and verity. Someone's been reading a thesaurus.
|Season 1 / Episode 18: - Rev. Al Sharpton|
Himself - Host: Break out some vodka, some lime juice, and the facts. You're about to do an upside down Truthikaze.
|Season 1 / Episode 17: - Sen. Bob Kerrey|
Himself - Host: I'm fully dilated and effaced and I'm squeezing out a bouncing bundle of Truth.
|Season 1 / Episode 16: - Cokie Roberts|
Himself - Host: Hey Moondoggie, wax your board and catch a wave. The Truth's up.
|Season 1 / Episode 15: - Mary Roach|
Himself - Host: Everyone put your keys in the bowl, it's time for a swinging Truth party!