Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #4 of 15 (Full List)

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Russian Rocket Reaction

Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting from off-screen] Howard! Bernadette's here!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting back] Tell her I'm not home!
Mrs. Wolowitz: What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Russian Rocket Reaction

Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do they send you to the Space Station with the space shuttle program shutting down?
Howard Wolowitz: That's the cool part. They send you to Kashaztan, put you in a Russian Soyuz capsule and the rocket launches you into subspace orbit. Or it just stands there in the launch pad because the Kashaki Mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard Wolowitz: As safe as they could be when they're built by the fine folks who brought you Chernobyl.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: [to Emily] Hi.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Emily signs] She says it's nice to meet you.
Raj Koothrappali: Does she really mean that or did she sign that sarcastically?
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice, like James Earl Jones.
Howard Wolowitz: She... she doesn't know how James Earl Jones sounds like!
Raj Koothrappali: Great. Then she won't know I'm lying.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Howard Wolowitz: She asks if you play any instrument.
Raj Koothrappali: No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boyband called Frankie Goes to Bollywood.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: [to Emily] Can we talk to you about Raj?
Howard Wolowitz: She says: "Sure, what about him?"
Penny: Raj is naive. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women... [Howard stops signing here, as he gets distracted by two beautiful women at the reception desk behind them]... and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy lots of expensive things and I... [realizing that Howard isn't signing anymore] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard Wolowitz: Right! [signing] Are you a gold digger or not? [Penny looks at him, disgusted by him. Emily gets infuriated, and starts to sign with rage] Oh, uh... something, something... Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself! [Emily leaves, and Penny looks at him in shock] Oh, I get this now...
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Sheldon Cooper: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard Wolowitz: I say, "Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon rolls dice] Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. And by the by, I liked it too.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Howard Wolowitz: Really? On Dungeons and Dragons I enter a dungeon and find a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose?
Sheldon Cooper: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and ladders?
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard Wolowitz: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard Hofstadter: You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon Cooper: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: [sees Howard ogling at a woman in a gym] Really, Howard? You're engaged to my friend.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Bernadette doesn't need to know how I rev up my engine so long as I park the car in the right garage.
Penny: I can't believe you're engaged to my friend.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: [whispering] Oh, here she comes!
Howard Wolowitz: Smart. Whisper, so the deaf chick can't hear you.
05x03 - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation

Mrs. Wolowitz: I don't know who you're talking to, but in or out! We don't need bugs!
Howard Wolowitz: The bugs only come here, because YOU'RE THEIR QUEEN!
05x03 - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good morning, handsome.
Howard Wolowitz: Good morning, mom.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's me!
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, it is. And you're so pretty in the morning!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mom and I made you breakfast.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. So, you guys are getting along?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah... I guess. We're very different people, Howard. So communication's a little tricky.
Mrs. Wolowitz: DOES HE LIKE THE PANCAKES?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: HE DIDN'T TRY THEM, YET!
Howard Wolowitz: Is there any butter?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's butter flavored syrup.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SO, WHAT'S THE WORD?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: HE WANTS BUTTER!
Mrs. Wolowitz: IT'S BUTTER FLAVORED SYRUP!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I JUST TOLD HIM THAT!
05x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Infestation Hypothesis

Raj Koothrappali: Nice of you to let us use the university's new hydraulic thermoforming press.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. this baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's three minutes. Let's see what we got.


Raj Koothrappali: Oh, yeah! That is one great panini.
05x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Infestation Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, thank goodness I found you. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not going to check you for lice again.
Howard Wolowitz: Just his head, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to talk about it.
04x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Roommate Transmogrification

Howard Wolowitz: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard Hofstadter: Kill me.
Sheldon Cooper: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
04x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Roommate Transmogrification

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj Koothrappali: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Penny: You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard Wolowitz: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
Penny: Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
Howard Wolowitz: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard Wolowitz: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of ancestors doing this.

04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
Howard Wolowitz: It's not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think that, but no.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard Wolowitz: You can't take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard Wolowitz: What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.


Priya Koothrappali: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: Can I see her?
Dr. Bernstein: Well, actually, she said, and I quote, she'd like to see the "little Catholic girl" first.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Me? Why me?
Howard Wolowitz: Jews have been asking that for centuries; there's no real good answer.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
Dr. Bernstein: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
Dr. Bernstein: Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax?
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, do you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard Wolowitz: And are you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No, because I'm engaged to a putz!
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Mrs. Wolowitz] She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard Wolowitz: Where are you going?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you!


Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj and Leonard] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Mountain Elf.
Raj Koothrappali: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Hellhounds.
Raj Koothrappali: Hellhounds!


Raj Koothrappali: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
Raj Koothrappali: [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon Cooper: [exasperated] Must you?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.


Raj Koothrappali: Rotting Zombie.


Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon Cooper: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard Wolowitz: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Sheldon Cooper: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't understand.
Howard Wolowitz: He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon Cooper: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Leonard Hofstadter: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya Koothrappali: Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
Howard Wolowitz: [about Leonard] Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
Priya Koothrappali: Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Troll master.
Raj Koothrappali: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon Cooper: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry. [plays card] Walking tree.


Sheldon Cooper: Last one
Raj Koothrappali: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Have you met Bernadette's parents?
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
04x20 - The Herb Garden Germination Season 4 / Episode 20: - The Herb Garden Germination

Sheldon: I've been thinking about Dr.Green's efforts to make science palatable for the masses.
Leonard: Yeah? What about it?
Sheldon: That's all. I've just been thinking about it. Now I'm thinking about fractal equations. Now I'm thinking about the origin of the phrase "train of thought." Now I'm thinking about trains.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you listening to this guy?
Howard Wolowitz: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, I was somewhere else.
Leonard: Lucky bastard!
Sheldon: Now I'm thinking about Jell-o.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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