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Howard Wolowitz Quotes
 | Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Leonard Hofstadter: We don't have to have sex every night. Howard Wolowitz: You don't, but it's highly recomended. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Leonard Hofstadter: It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be. Howard Wolowitz: Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed. Rajesh Koothrappali: That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Sheldon Cooper: Did I cross a line? Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course. You... Howard Wolowitz: No, let him figure it out by himself. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: [a cricket chirps] What was that? Sheldon Cooper: Hold on. [Looks at watch while cricket chirps] That is a snowy tree cricket. Howard Wolowitz: How can you tell? Sheldon Cooper: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets. Rajesh Koothrappali: And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is? Sheldon Cooper: According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: No, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess. You don't pray *to* them, we prey *on* them. Rajesh Koothrappali: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: We need to ask you a question. Professor Crawley: Really? Let me ask you a question. What does an accomplished entomologist with a doctorate and twenty years of experience do when the university cuts all his funding? Rajesh Koothrappali: Ask uncomfortable rhetorical questions to people? |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws. Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it? Howard Wolowitz: First of all... Rajesh Koothrappali: Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it! Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?" |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Professor Crawley: I haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines. Howard Wolowitz: No, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question. Professor Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh? Rajesh Koothrappali: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thank God we're home! Howard Wolowitz: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell. Rajesh Koothrappali: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening. Sheldon Cooper: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Sheldon Cooper: I just want you both to know when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions. Howard Wolowitz: Grace. Sheldon Cooper: And of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator? Rajesh Koothrappali: I thought we were going to be gentle with him. Howard Wolowitz: That's why I added the "tator". |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Sheldon Cooper: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely, Leonard didn't know. Howard Wolowitz: Actually, it was his idea. Sheldon Cooper: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to go to Texas! Howard Wolowitz: And I do? My people already crossed the desert once. We're done! |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Leonard Hofstadter: Will you please take that stupid hat off? Howard Wolowitz: No, I want to blend in. Rajesh Koothrappali: To what? Toy Story? |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Rajesh Koothrappali: [Whispering] We have to tell him. Sheldon Cooper: Tell me what? Howard Wolowitz: Damn his Vulcan hearing. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Howard Wolowitz: [about his moustache] I call it the Clooney. Rajesh Koothrappali: I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Howard Wolowitz: So how's Sheldon? Leonard Hofstadter: Well, this morning he got up wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me with the Force, so, a little better. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where's the tumbleweeds? Where's the saloons? Leonard Hofstadter: Saloons? Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, Four For Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas... Howard Wolowitz: This neighborhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Rajesh Koothrappali: I was really hoping to see a cattle drive. Leonard Hofstadter: What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Leonard Hofstadter: I can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat. Howard Wolowitz: Hello? I'm wearing a red turtleneck. Plus it was the only boys' large they had. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Penny: Leonard, you're back! Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I just stopped by to... Leonard Hofstadter: [taken completely by surprise] Yeah, so, hi. Penny: Hi! Howard Wolowitz: Damn it, I should have gone over and told her we were back. Rajesh Koothrappali: [sarcastically] Yeah, it was first come, first serve. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Howard Wolowitz: Just imagine, if he accepts the offer, we could have an entire summer without Sheldon. Rajesh Koothrappali: We could play outside. Howard Wolowitz: We could sit on the left side of the couch. Leonard Hofstadter: I could use the bathroom at 8:20. Rajesh Koothrappali: Our dreams are small, aren't they? |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Sheldon Cooper: Did Han Solo give up when Luke was lying in the frozen planet of Hoth? No! He slit open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to keep warm. Howard Wolowitz: You heard the man. Hold him down while I cut him open. |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Leonard Hofstadter: [At the North Pole] Darn it! Howard Wolowitz: What? Leonard Hofstadter: We're out of ice. |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot. Howard Wolowitz: [to Rajesh] There's not time for a crossbow. Get me an icicle. |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you will be practicing precision on the classic children's game Operation. You shall start by... removing the funny bone for $200. Howard Wolowitz: And to think I went to MIT for this. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 22: - The Classified Materials Turbulence Sheldon Cooper: Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books. [takes a deep breath] Oh, yes! Howard Wolowitz: They're on me today, boys. Rajesh Koothrappali: You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again? Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System. Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet. Leonard Hofstadter: Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before. Howard Wolowitz: Is that supposed to be funny? Sheldon Cooper: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing. Howard Wolowitz: Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology. Rajesh Koothrappali: He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two. Sheldon Cooper: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions. |
| Season 2 / Episode 22: - The Classified Materials Turbulence Rajesh Koothrappali: Interesting, Penny's current suitor asking advice from her former suitor. Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, thanks for closed-captioning my pain, Raj. Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them? Leonard Hofstadter: I'm listening. Howard Wolowitz: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years. |
| Season 2 / Episode 22: - The Classified Materials Turbulence Howard Wolowitz: Here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but *this*, to reinforce this, so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine. Rajesh Koothrappali: You mean so it doesn't hit the fan? Sheldon Cooper: Yaeh, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition. Sheldon Cooper: Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop. |
| Season 2 / Episode 22: - The Classified Materials Turbulence Leonard Hofstadter: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny. Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude. Sheldon Cooper: You don't really believe in that superstition, do you? Rajesh Koothrappali: It's not superstition, it's practically Newtonian. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch. Therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system. You know, what goes around comes around. Howard Wolowitz: [motions Raj to return to working on the space toilet] Speaking of what goes around comes around... |
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