Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: It's embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.
04x03 - The Zazzy Substitution Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Zazzy Substitution

Raj Koothrappali: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard Wolowitz: [mocking] What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?
Raj Koothrappali: If I don't have to boom-boom.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: What do we owe you?
Leonard Hofstadter: It came to $28.17 Let's say six bucks apiece.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Howard and Raj hand money over to Leonard] There you go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.


Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Never mind, I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, you're right, we're not going out anymore. I should pay for myself.


Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: No, he, uh, He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, look. It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.
Raj Koothrappali: That's my joke; I told it last night. You can't just use it.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: [Raj just whispered something to him] You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon Cooper: That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: [unimpressed] No, it won't.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
Raj Koothrappali: That's two, dude. Write your own jokes.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: [Raj whispers in his ear] Really? That's your question, "When did he put a ramp in"?
04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Robotic Manipulation

Sheldon Cooper: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of creating the first in a line of intellectually superior benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm guessing future historians will comdemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Robotic Manipulation

Althea: What is this?
Howard Wolowitz: It's a robot arm.
Althea: Where's the rest of the robot?
Howard Wolowitz: I just built the arm.
Althea: Because that's all you needed, right?
04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Robotic Manipulation

Althea: I need a orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
Howard Wolowitz: You think you could you be a little more discreet?
Althea: I'm sorry, we don't have a code for "robot hand grasping a man's penis".
04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Robotic Manipulation

Raj Koothrappali: [skeptically] You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
Howard Wolowitz: [embarrassed about what he was really doing] Yes.
Raj Koothrappali: Penis first?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Now, help me!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that, as well.
03x23 - The Lunar Excitation Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Lunar Excitation

Raj Koothrappali: Uh oh. She wants to meet us.
Howard Wolowitz: Not us. Him!
Raj Koothrappali: Yes, but, him doesn't even know about her.
Howard Wolowitz: Well um, him about to find out about her.
Raj Koothrappali: Really? Us gonna tell him?
03x23 - The Lunar Excitation Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Lunar Excitation

Leonard Hofstadter: OK, we've got power to the laser.
Sheldon Cooper: I should have brought an umbrella.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for? It's not going to rain.
Sheldon Cooper: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moonburn is a real possibility.
Howard Wolowitz: That's a bazinga, right?
Sheldon Cooper: One of my best, don't you think?
03x23 - The Lunar Excitation Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Lunar Excitation

Leonard Hofstadter: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon Cooper: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.
03x23 - The Lunar Excitation Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Lunar Excitation

Sheldon Cooper: In a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?


Raj Koothrappali: You don't know we're wrong yet.
Sheldon Cooper: Haughty derision it is.


Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy Farrah Fowler: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon Cooper: Well then, you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.
Sheldon Cooper: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tepid water, please.


Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Good God, what have we done?
03x23 - The Lunar Excitation Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Lunar Excitation

Raj Koothrappali: Holy crap!
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Raj Koothrappali: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us!
Howard Wolowitz: Excuse me?
Raj Koothrappali: The dating site matched a woman with *Sheldon*.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding, an actual woman?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, look... breasts and everything.
Howard Wolowitz: Trust me, breasts doesn't necessarily mean woman.
Raj Koothrappali: Since when?
Howard Wolowitz: I'll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime. [shudders] Leonard, you gotta see this! We found a match for Sheldon!
Leonard Hofstadter: Great. Maybe she can have sex with him and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a "How do you dooo?"
Raj Koothrappali: Do you know what he's talking about?
Howard Wolowitz: Nope. Why don't you ask him?
Raj Koothrappali: Leonard, what are you talking about?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't wanna talk about it.
Raj Koothrappali: That was a lousy suggestion.
Howard Wolowitz: Whatever. [grabs the laptop from Raj] Right now, Doctor Sheldon Cooper has to send an email to his perfect match. [starts typing] "Greetings fellow life form..."
03x23 - The Lunar Excitation Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Lunar Excitation

Sheldon Cooper: But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: What's life without whimsy.
03x23 - The Lunar Excitation Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Lunar Excitation

Raj Koothrappali: I'm telling you, dude, the only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.
Howard Wolowitz: Horse.
Raj Koothrappali: What?
Howard Wolowitz: The phrase is get back on the horse. Not 'whores'.
Raj Koothrappali: That's disgusting, dude.
Howard Wolowitz: No, it's not... de, uh, never mind.
03x23 - The Lunar Excitation Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Lunar Excitation

Howard Wolowitz: Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women so we don't have to peep through windows.
03x22 - The Staircase Implementation Season 3 / Episode 22: - The Staircase Implementation

Sheldon Cooper: What are you sitting on?
Howard Wolowitz: I can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushie. It's a joke.
Raj Koothrappali: Not a good idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Tushie is buttocks, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Right.
Raj Koothrappali: Hilarious!
03x22 - The Staircase Implementation Season 3 / Episode 22: - The Staircase Implementation

Raj Koothrappali: Do you have an opinion about everything?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: You just assume you're always right?
Sheldon Cooper: It's not an assumption.
03x22 - The Staircase Implementation Season 3 / Episode 22: - The Staircase Implementation

Sheldon Cooper: Wait, let me get my jacket.
Howard Wolowitz: You're not going with us.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Raj Koothrappali: You're the guy we're trying to get away from.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. Well, in that case, I don't need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is "I'm the guy from whom you're trying to get away."
03x21 - The Plimpton Stimulation Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Plimpton Stimulation

Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: You two figure out the details; I'm going to go change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh!


Howard Wolowitz: What the frack?
Raj Koothrappali: Go away! She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli!


Raj Koothrappali: Besides, you have a girlfriend!
Howard Wolowitz: We broke up weeks ago!
Raj Koothrappali: Why didn't you say anything?
Howard Wolowitz: I was waiting for the right time! This is the right time!
03x21 - The Plimpton Stimulation Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Plimpton Stimulation

Howard Wolowitz: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.
03x21 - The Plimpton Stimulation Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Plimpton Stimulation

Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Oh, good, Leonard's here.
Raj Koothrappali: [astounded] Good?
Leonard Hofstadter: Elizabeth, what's going on?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men, and Raj is my new landlord, and I don't have enough money to pay any of you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard Wolowitz: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum!
Raj Koothrappali: OK, Show of hands, who's up for this?


Leonard Hofstadter: We'll all be in naked in front of each other.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm out.
03x21 - The Plimpton Stimulation Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Plimpton Stimulation

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you having trouble sleeping? Because... boy... I was up all night.
Raj Koothrappali: Did you get a cold, too?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, but I was awake all night.
Howard Wolowitz: If you want I can give you some of my mom's sleeping pills.
Raj Koothrappali: She won't notice them missing?
Howard Wolowitz: She doesn't know she takes them.
03x20 - The Spaghetti Catalyst Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Spaghetti Catalyst

Howard Wolowitz: The point is, you have to take sides. Are you on Team Penny or Team Leonard?
Sheldon Cooper: Which team picks last?
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Sheldon Cooper: In high school, I was always in the team that picks last, unless there was a kid in a wheelchair.
03x20 - The Spaghetti Catalyst Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Spaghetti Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: Sure, he's over it. That's why he's been trying to invent that memory wiping device from "Men in Black".
Sheldon Cooper: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard Wolowitz: So would Ben Affleck.
03x20 - The Spaghetti Catalyst Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Spaghetti Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: Here's a question, Howard. Don't you think you're going to Hell for eating sweet-and-sour pork?
Howard Wolowitz: Jews don't have Hell. We have acid reflux.
03x20 - The Spaghetti Catalyst Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Spaghetti Catalyst

Leonard Hofstadter: What about you, Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, so now that you have no choice you want to hang out with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, we always hang out.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, please. You know I'm the one you call when no one else will. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
Howard Wolowitz: I wish you were Aquaman. Then you could retrieve my mother from the old lady tank.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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