Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

Characters: #4 of 15 (Full List)

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

03x16 - The Excelsior Acquisition Season 3 / Episode 16: - The Excelsior Acquisition

Leonard Hofstadter: It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not gonna pay a fine! That would imply I'm guilty!
Howard Wolowitz: You *are* guilty.


Howard Wolowitz: That one I liked.
03x16 - The Excelsior Acquisition Season 3 / Episode 16: - The Excelsior Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: Ouch! Ew, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj Koothrappali: Obviously you don't remember your circumcision.
03x16 - The Excelsior Acquisition Season 3 / Episode 16: - The Excelsior Acquisition

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically] Sweet.
Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I get to hang out with him again... at the hearing. This is going to look great, hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
03x15 - The Large Hadron Collision Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Large Hadron Collision

Howard Wolowitz: [on cellphone]... Sweetie. Uh, listen, I need to go, but I'll see you tonight? Bye-bye. Bye-bye. B- No, *you* hang up first. Hello?
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, I'm glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you *have* to do that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don't?
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, he might have to. There's an economic concept known as a positional good, in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it's not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise "neener-neener".
03x15 - The Large Hadron Collision Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Large Hadron Collision

Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, what would you guys do if you were me?
Howard Wolowitz: I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriouly?
Howard Wolowitz: Absolutely. And I'd leave him there.
03x15 - The Large Hadron Collision Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Large Hadron Collision

Howard Wolowitz: Sorry I couldn't hang with you last night; I had a date with Bernadette.
Raj Koothrappali: I know. I saw the tweet.
03x14 - The Einstein Approximation Season 3 / Episode 14: - The Einstein Approximation

Howard Wolowitz: How long has he been stuck?
Leonard Hofstadter: Intellectually, about thirty hours. Emotionally, about twenty-nine years.
Sheldon Cooper: [muttering] The alkyl cell contains two carbon atoms. The interior angle of a hexagon's one hundred and pwenty degrees.
Howard Wolowitz: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I think it's a firmware problem.
03x13 - The Bozeman Reaction Season 3 / Episode 13: - The Bozeman Reaction

Leonard Hofstadter: Where did you get all this stuff?
Howard Wolowitz: Eh, I got a buddy over at the Department of Defense.
Leonard Hofstadter: He just *gave* it to you?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm sure he would've if I'd asked. Ironically, their security isn't all that good.
03x13 - The Bozeman Reaction Season 3 / Episode 13: - The Bozeman Reaction

Sheldon Cooper: [while looking at a menu] And look over here, 'Shrimp in Mobster Sauce'. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon Cooper: Hmm, perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organised crime. For all we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj Koothrappali: No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
Howard Wolowitz: It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.
03x13 - The Bozeman Reaction Season 3 / Episode 13: - The Bozeman Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: [as Sheldon enters] Hey! Look who's back!
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.
03x13 - The Bozeman Reaction Season 3 / Episode 13: - The Bozeman Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know, just the guys.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh God! Yes, we get it; you have a girlfriend now.
Howard Wolowitz: A little jealous are we?
Raj Koothrappali: No, I'm not jealous. [the other 3 stare at him] All right, I'd kill a hobo if it'll get me laid. Now can we order.
03x13 - The Bozeman Reaction Season 3 / Episode 13: - The Bozeman Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That's part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.
Sheldon Cooper: I am moving on. I'm going to be a Bozite.
Leonard Hofstadter: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon Cooper: They should. It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss you.
Sheldon Cooper: Please, Penny, as you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video. - - Greetings. As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.
03x12 - The Psychic Vortex Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Psychic Vortex

Leonard Hofstadter: Look at us! Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they're our girlfriends.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Actual women are the best.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand. What other kind of women are there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, artificial women are your department. You want to take this?
Howard Wolowitz: Nah. It would just freak him out.
03x12 - The Psychic Vortex Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Psychic Vortex

Rajesh Koothrappali: Namasté, white people! Good news. I've rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
Leonard Hofstadter: Got it.
Howard Wolowitz: Seen it.
Sheldon Cooper: Detailed analysis posted online.
03x12 - The Psychic Vortex Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Psychic Vortex

Howard Wolowitz: I don't like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell is eighth base?
Howard Wolowitz: Seventh base with shirt off. Well, my shirt.
03x12 - The Psychic Vortex Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Psychic Vortex

Leonard Hofstadter: What am I supposed to do? Pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
03x12 - The Psychic Vortex Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Psychic Vortex

Howard Wolowitz: [Watching Leonard melt his action figures with a laser] Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not just Cylons. Superman's next.
Howard Wolowitz: All right, I was going to try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later when you don't have a high-powered weapon.
03x12 - The Psychic Vortex Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Psychic Vortex

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria, and yet I still want to kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We're way past second base. Right, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
03x10 - The Gorilla Experiment Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Gorilla Experiment

Howard Wolowitz: It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee too?
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: So nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
Howard Wolowitz: Come on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap.
Katee Sackhoff: I'm sorry. Fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. So, shall we get started?
Katee Sackhoff: Sure, but could I ask you a question first?
Howard Wolowitz: You want to play Cylon & Colonist?
Katee Sackhoff: No. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Bernadette?
Katee Sackhoff: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
Howard Wolowitz: I know, but she's not you.
Katee Sackhoff: I'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Tall?
Katee Sackhoff: Six four.
Howard Wolowitz: Ouch.
Katee Sackhoff: The point is you've got a wonderful girl in your life and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in a bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm taking a bath!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub!
Howard Wolowitz: Don't remind me!


Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, all soaped up and no place to go.
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: Two years later there's a knock on the door; the guy opens it, and there on the porch is the snail who says, "What the heck was that all about?"
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [giggles] I don't really get it.
Howard Wolowitz: See, it took two for the snail to- [Bernadette kisses him] Not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you a question?
Howard Wolowitz: Sure.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where do you think this is going?
Howard Wolowitz: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian.
Howard Wolowitz: A Jewish stand-up comedian; that'd be new.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I was just be- Never mind.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Look, Howard, this is our third date, and we both know what that means.
Howard Wolowitz: We do?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sex.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: But I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like 'chicken or fish' on an airplane.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you need to think about it a little.
Howard Wolowitz: You know it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [she kisses him briefly] Call me when you figure it out. [she goes into her house]
Howard Wolowitz: Three dates means sex! Who knew?
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: [about Bernadette] She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type.
Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard Hofstadter: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be.
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Penny: [Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette] Oh, I am *so* sorry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Howard Wolowitz: [sings] Bernadette! [says] Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
Raj Koothrappali: Actually, I've never had three dates with the same woman.
Leonard Hofstadter: With Penny and me it took two years! Now that I think about it that was three dates.
03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Rajesh Koothrappali: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. Len-nerd.
Howard Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what's a cool name? Angelo. That has "angel" and "jello" in it.
Howard Wolowitz: It was my uncle Murray's funeral. We were all back at my aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen!
Rajesh Koothrappali: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
Leonard Hofstadter: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie! How's it goin'?
Howard Wolowitz: To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. [sighs] Cousin Jeannie.
03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Howard Wolowitz: Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, it's just not the same without him.

03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Howard Wolowitz: How much time do we have?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, T minus five hours thirty-seven minutes to onset of meteor shower.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, our position is thirty-four point forty-eight degrees north, a hundred and eighteen point thirty-one west; that means the azimuth should be a hundred and sixty-eight point twenty-two degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of forty-nine point nighty-three.
Howard Wolowitz: Anything yet?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, we have a signal but there's no frame lock.
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on. How 'bout... now?
Rajesh Koothrappali: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.
Howard Wolowitz: Mmm, Real Sex.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Rajesh Koothrappali: And the next morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and realized... don, don, don... she was his cousin. [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically]
Howard Wolowitz: That's still not funny.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [mimicking Howard] That's still not funny. [they laugh even harder]
Howard Wolowitz: And she was my *second* cousin.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And she was my *second* cousin. [more laughing]
Howard Wolowitz: You're a real douche.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Who cares! You slept with your *cousin*! [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically again]
03x07 - The Guitarist Amplification Season 3 / Episode 7: - The Guitarist Amplification

Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
Howard Wolowitz: No, I mean she's obviously way out of line...
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.
03x06 - The Cornhusker Vortex Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently.
Howard Wolowitz: I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Unbelievable.
Sheldon Cooper: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard Hofstadter: So you could teach me?
Sheldon Cooper: Football or chicken fried meats?
Leonard Hofstadter: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon Cooper: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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