Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's obvious having kids is really important to you and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? That's great. What?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I worked and you stayed home with the kids?
Howard Wolowitz: Me?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. You know, you watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Sheldon Cooper: Is this how you're going to entertain children, by lying to them?
Howard Wolowitz: How is this lying?
Sheldon Cooper: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. "This is an ordinary tophat." "You've chosen that card freely." "I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister."
Raj Koothrappali: Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain, or up the butt?
05x11 - The Speckerman Recurrence Season 5 / Episode 11: - The Speckerman Recurrence

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, we're here to support you, man.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not. You're here to see if he can pull my underwear over my head.
Howard Wolowitz: You wore underwear? You fool!
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: You know, it's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading the comics digitally.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight, yay!
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: Are you telling me that Sheldon's patented combination of condescension and no sex isn't enough to hold onto a woman?
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replaces actual human contact.
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Raj Koothrappali: Stuart, help us settle an argument. Who would win in a fight, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: I could tell you, but then I would be depriving you of the joy of finding out yourselves at the magical, rootin'-tootin' low price of $24.99.
Raj Koothrappali: I'll buy one.
Howard Wolowitz: Make that two.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate you both and myself. Make it three.
Stuart: [Walking to resgister] Like shooting nerds in a barrel.
05x09 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Ornithophobia Diffusion

Raj Koothrappali: C'mon Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
05x09 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Ornithophobia Diffusion

Howard Wolowitz: All right Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
05x08 - The Isolation Permutation Season 5 / Episode 8: - The Isolation Permutation

Sheldon Cooper: [outraged] The two of you need to get your women in line!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Last night, I was strong armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my Lego fun time!
Howard Wolowitz: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: Get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle bunny!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!
05x08 - The Isolation Permutation Season 5 / Episode 8: - The Isolation Permutation

Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?
Howard Wolowitz: "What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?" Why do you hate us?
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: [to Leonard] Did you just pick a girl up in a comic book store?
Stuart: Because if you did, you get your picture up there, on The Wall of Heroes.
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [off screen] Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's not my mom, that's Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? That's unsettling.
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Sheldon Cooper: You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun! [holds out his hand]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, whatever. [they shake hands, Howard gets the electric shock, and faints]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: [panics] It was a harmless Halloween prank... Look...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought he made that up! Isn't hypochondria common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is adrenaline... we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon Cooper: We are?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You are! I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot! [gives the needle to Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no! I can't!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hurry! We're running out of time!
Sheldon Cooper: Okay...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just do it!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh God! One... two... three... [sticks a "needle" in Howard's chest]
Howard Wolowitz: [opens his eyes undramatically, revealing that he was just acting] Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon Cooper: [while Howard and Bernadette laughs] What? No! You mean all this was just a ruse? Oh, how could I be so STU-U-U-U... [touches his head with the electronic device and falls down again]
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: Come on. Admit it, we got you, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: Please! Fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you and able to anticipate your actions...


Sheldon Cooper: ...it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.
Raj Koothrappali: He's probably right.
Howard Wolowitz: We can't beat him. He's just too smart.
Sheldon Cooper: [satisfied] Gentlemen.

05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: [after scaring Sheldon and making him faint] Who had money on faints?
Raj Koothrappali: I had peed his pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Looks like everyone's a winner.
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Raj Koothrappali: [Looking at a crucifix in a Catholic church] None of our gods have abs like that.
Howard Wolowitz: Yup... that's the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. I mean it'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still...
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Sheldon Cooper: You people need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with you, with your sushi and your sadness and your slutty shirts! Stop it!


Howard Wolowitz: He's not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Howard Wolowitz: So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper: Oh, my word! A trip to the Heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you could read.
Howard Wolowitz: Thanks, but I watch the 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' every year, so I get the gist.
05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Russian Rocket Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: [after everyone cheers for him and his team design going to space] It gets better! Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is!
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed Lee.


Howard Wolowitz: Who's Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, and Lee the most common surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Russian Rocket Reaction

Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting from off-screen] Howard! Bernadette's here!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting back] Tell her I'm not home!
Mrs. Wolowitz: What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Russian Rocket Reaction

Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do they send you to the Space Station with the space shuttle program shutting down?
Howard Wolowitz: That's the cool part. They send you to Kashaztan, put you in a Russian Soyuz capsule and the rocket launches you into subspace orbit. Or it just stands there in the launch pad because the Kashaki Mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard Wolowitz: As safe as they could be when they're built by the fine folks who brought you Chernobyl.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: [to Emily] Hi.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Emily signs] She says it's nice to meet you.
Raj Koothrappali: Does she really mean that or did she sign that sarcastically?
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice, like James Earl Jones.
Howard Wolowitz: She... she doesn't know how James Earl Jones sounds like!
Raj Koothrappali: Great. Then she won't know I'm lying.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Howard Wolowitz: She asks if you play any instrument.
Raj Koothrappali: No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boyband called Frankie Goes to Bollywood.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: [to Emily] Can we talk to you about Raj?
Howard Wolowitz: She says: "Sure, what about him?"
Penny: Raj is naive. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women... [Howard stops signing here, as he gets distracted by two beautiful women at the reception desk behind them]... and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy lots of expensive things and I... [realizing that Howard isn't signing anymore] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard Wolowitz: Right! [signing] Are you a gold digger or not? [Penny looks at him, disgusted by him. Emily gets infuriated, and starts to sign with rage] Oh, uh... something, something... Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself! [Emily leaves, and Penny looks at him in shock] Oh, I get this now...
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Sheldon Cooper: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard Wolowitz: I say, "Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon rolls dice] Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. And by the by, I liked it too.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Howard Wolowitz: Really? On Dungeons and Dragons I enter a dungeon and find a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose?
Sheldon Cooper: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and ladders?
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard Wolowitz: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard Hofstadter: You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon Cooper: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.

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