Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

05x16 - The Vacation Solution Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vacation Solution

Raj Koothrappali: President Siebert is headed this way.
Howard Wolowitz: I wonder what he wants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he doesn't look happy, so I assume he wants to talk to Sheldon.
President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Leonard Hofstadter: Told ya.
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Raj Koothrappali: Dude, if you're going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname.
Howard Wolowitz: I don't get to pick it. The other guys have to give it to me.
Raj Koothrappali: If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you not looking at me? I *am* Brown Dynamite!
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Howard Wolowitz: Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's going to learn to poop in space.
Howard Wolowitz: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Are you coming down for breakfast?
Howard Wolowitz: Ma, I told you I have a video conference with NASA! I said don't bother me!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, please listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Your Froot Loops are getting soggy!
Howard Wolowitz: Not now!
Michael J. Massimino: What was that?
Howard Wolowitz: My mom. Sorry.
Michael J. Massimino: No problem... Froot Loops.
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Raj Koothrappali: What about we make your astronaut nickname Howard "Buzz" Wolowitz.
Howard Wolowitz: You can't do Buzz. Buzz is taken.
Raj Koothrappali: Buzz Lightyear's not real.
Howard Wolowitz: No, that's not what I'm talking about.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real.
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Raj Koothrappali: Ok, um, oh, how about Crash? Howard "Crash" Wolowitz?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, terrific; the other astronauts would love to go hurtling through space with a man named Crash.
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Michael J. Massimino: Hey, Howard. Thankd for getting so early.
Howard Wolowitz: No problem, Dr. Massimino.
Michael J. Massimino: The guys here call me Mass.
Howard Wolowitz: Mass. That's a cool nickname, because force equals mass times acceleration.
Michael J. Massimino: Yeah, it's just short for Massimino.
05x14 - The Beta Test Initiation Season 5 / Episode 14: - The Beta Test Initiation

Raj Koothrappali: I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which are fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Who's Siri? Is he dating somebody new?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. His phone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is that cute or creepy?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh.
05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 13: - The Recombination Hypothesis

Howard Wolowitz: Ooh, 8:30. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?
Leonard Hofstadter: You're 30 years old and you live with your mother!
Raj Koothrappali: I guess it didn't go well.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, we don't know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.


Howard Wolowitz: How about now?
Sheldon Cooper: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he's being murdered.
05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 13: - The Recombination Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard Hofstadter: [Sarcastic] Oh boy, do I!
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: [Spiteful] No.
05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 13: - The Recombination Hypothesis

Raj Koothrappali: If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard's mother? Sandra Bullock.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Raj Koothrappali: Because she's great in everything.
05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 13: - The Recombination Hypothesis

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Boy, I don't know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
Howard Wolowitz: Why not.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm a very vengeful person.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: With access to weaponized smallpox.
05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Sheldon Cooper: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican Peso up my nose.
Howard Wolowitz: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon Cooper: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard Hofstadter: Next time you should open with that.
05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's obvious having kids is really important to you and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? That's great. What?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I worked and you stayed home with the kids?
Howard Wolowitz: Me?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. You know, you watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Sheldon Cooper: Is this how you're going to entertain children, by lying to them?
Howard Wolowitz: How is this lying?
Sheldon Cooper: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. "This is an ordinary tophat." "You've chosen that card freely." "I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister."
Raj Koothrappali: Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain, or up the butt?
05x11 - The Speckerman Recurrence Season 5 / Episode 11: - The Speckerman Recurrence

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, we're here to support you, man.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not. You're here to see if he can pull my underwear over my head.
Howard Wolowitz: You wore underwear? You fool!
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: You know, it's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading the comics digitally.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight, yay!
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: Are you telling me that Sheldon's patented combination of condescension and no sex isn't enough to hold onto a woman?
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replaces actual human contact.
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Raj Koothrappali: Stuart, help us settle an argument. Who would win in a fight, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: I could tell you, but then I would be depriving you of the joy of finding out yourselves at the magical, rootin'-tootin' low price of $24.99.
Raj Koothrappali: I'll buy one.
Howard Wolowitz: Make that two.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate you both and myself. Make it three.
Stuart: [Walking to resgister] Like shooting nerds in a barrel.
05x09 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Ornithophobia Diffusion

Raj Koothrappali: C'mon Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
05x09 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Ornithophobia Diffusion

Howard Wolowitz: All right Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
05x08 - The Isolation Permutation Season 5 / Episode 8: - The Isolation Permutation

Sheldon Cooper: [outraged] The two of you need to get your women in line!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Last night, I was strong armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my Lego fun time!
Howard Wolowitz: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: Get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle bunny!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!
05x08 - The Isolation Permutation Season 5 / Episode 8: - The Isolation Permutation

Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?
Howard Wolowitz: "What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?" Why do you hate us?
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: [to Leonard] Did you just pick a girl up in a comic book store?
Stuart: Because if you did, you get your picture up there, on The Wall of Heroes.
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [off screen] Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's not my mom, that's Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? That's unsettling.
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Sheldon Cooper: You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun! [holds out his hand]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, whatever. [they shake hands, Howard gets the electric shock, and faints]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: [panics] It was a harmless Halloween prank... Look...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought he made that up! Isn't hypochondria common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is adrenaline... we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon Cooper: We are?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You are! I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot! [gives the needle to Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no! I can't!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hurry! We're running out of time!
Sheldon Cooper: Okay...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just do it!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh God! One... two... three... [sticks a "needle" in Howard's chest]
Howard Wolowitz: [opens his eyes undramatically, revealing that he was just acting] Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon Cooper: [while Howard and Bernadette laughs] What? No! You mean all this was just a ruse? Oh, how could I be so STU-U-U-U... [touches his head with the electronic device and falls down again]
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: Come on. Admit it, we got you, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: Please! Fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you and able to anticipate your actions...


Sheldon Cooper: ...it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.
Raj Koothrappali: He's probably right.
Howard Wolowitz: We can't beat him. He's just too smart.
Sheldon Cooper: [satisfied] Gentlemen.

05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: [after scaring Sheldon and making him faint] Who had money on faints?
Raj Koothrappali: I had peed his pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Looks like everyone's a winner.
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Raj Koothrappali: [Looking at a crucifix in a Catholic church] None of our gods have abs like that.
Howard Wolowitz: Yup... that's the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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