The Big Bang Theory

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Howard Wolowitz

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Simon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Howard Wolowitz: [about a girl he thought smiled at him] I totally had a shot! Rajesh Koothrappali: With a woman you were chasing through a park. That's not a shot; that's a felony.
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Leonard Hofstadter: [watching football] What is this 'sacks' statistic they put up there? Howard Wolowitz: All I know about Sax is my mother shops there.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Penny: OK, I gotta go. Leonard Hofstadter: Why? Penny: Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka. Howard Wolowitz: Not Ka, Ka'a. Penny: Buh-aye.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer and you speak five languages. Howard Wolowitz: Six, if you count Klingon. Leonard Hofstadter: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right? Penny: Right.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's cell phone rings with 'She Blinded Me With Science'] Damn, it's my mother. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you going to answer it? Howard Wolowitz: Well, I'm torn. She might be dying; you know, wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over. Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy. Howard Wolowitz: [laughs it off] Not as crazy as my mother makes me. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch? Howard Wolowitz: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning, like you're nine years old? Howard Wolowitz: You live with your mother? Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. That's the sad part. Howard Wolowitz: Oh. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children. Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity. Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you? Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. Howard Wolowitz: Corolla! More wine? Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd love some. Howard Wolowitz: Listen, you have to come to shabbos dinner at my house sometime. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why? Howard Wolowitz: Well, a Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke. Howard Wolowitz: It's a date. [they laugh and clink wine glasses] Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Howard Wolowitz: All right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card. And I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines. [in Jar Jar Binks accent] Choke on that, Sucka! Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Well then, I'll just cut your Vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it, I cut 'em. Penny: Um... I have a question. Leonard Hofstadter: Warlord beats Troll; Troll beats Elf; Elf beats Water Sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny. Howard Wolowitz: Unless you have the Carrot of Power. Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun? Howard Wolowitz: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution Howard Wolowitz: [about going with Penny on Thanksgiving] I'd love to, but on Thanksgiving my family comes to my mother's for her famous tur-briska-fil. Penny: Tur-briska-fil? Howard Wolowitz: Turkey stuffed with brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution Penny: [to Leonard] Hi, honey. Howard Wolowitz: So we're honey now? Sheldon Cooper: Ever since her relationship with Leonard became carnal, she has upgraded her term of endearment to honey, delegating the rest of us as sweetie, usually as a veiled attempt to soften an insult. Penny: You're boring people, sweetie. Sheldon Cooper: Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution Howard Wolowitz: So, what are we watching? Sex and the City? Yikes! Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie. Howard Wolowitz: Fine, let's watch it. Maybe all of our periods will synchronize.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution Howard Wolowitz: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for apres l'amour. Howard Wolowitz: Oh, kill me. Howard Wolowitz: By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard. Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn't have had to hear that.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation Howard Wolowitz: Hey, wanna try a country bar tomorrow night? Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, maybe we'll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls. Howard Wolowitz: Could happen. Raj Koothrappali: I wonder how they smell.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard? Howard Wolowitz: Well, I can't really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog. Bethany: Kermit the Frog? Howard Wolowitz: You know. [Kermit voice] Hi ho, I'm on Howard's butt! Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I'll see if I can make him smile. Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I'd like the mean little skull, please.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket. Sheldon: I can't take your money. Howard Wolowitz: What's the matter? You chicken? Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house. Rajesh Koothrappali: Chickens can't climb trees. Sheldon: Thank God. Howard Wolowitz: Okay. [Holds hands up in surrender] I believe a chicken made you his bitch.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Leonard Hofstadter: We don't have to have sex every night. Howard Wolowitz: You don't, but it's highly recomended.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Leonard Hofstadter: It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be. Howard Wolowitz: Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed. Rajesh Koothrappali: That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Sheldon Cooper: Did I cross a line? Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course. You... Howard Wolowitz: No, let him figure it out by himself.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: [a cricket chirps] What was that? Sheldon Cooper: Hold on. [Looks at watch while cricket chirps] That is a snowy tree cricket. Howard Wolowitz: How can you tell? Sheldon Cooper: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets. Rajesh Koothrappali: And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is? Sheldon Cooper: According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: No, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess. You don't pray to them, we prey on them. Rajesh Koothrappali: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: We need to ask you a question. Professor Crawley: Really? Let me ask you a question. What does an accomplished entomologist with a doctorate and twenty years of experience do when the university cuts all his funding? Rajesh Koothrappali: Ask uncomfortable rhetorical questions to people?
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws. Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it? Howard Wolowitz: First of all... Rajesh Koothrappali: Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it! Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Professor Crawley: I haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines. Howard Wolowitz: No, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question. Professor Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh? Rajesh Koothrappali: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thank God we're home! Howard Wolowitz: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell. Rajesh Koothrappali: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening. Sheldon Cooper: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Sheldon Cooper: I just want you both to know when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions. Howard Wolowitz: Grace. Sheldon Cooper: And of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator? Rajesh Koothrappali: I thought we were going to be gentle with him. Howard Wolowitz: That's why I added the "tator".
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Sheldon Cooper: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely, Leonard didn't know. Howard Wolowitz: Actually, it was his idea. Sheldon Cooper: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to go to Texas! Howard Wolowitz: Oh, right, and I do? My people already crossed the desert once. We're done!
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Leonard Hofstadter: Will you please take that stupid hat off? Howard Wolowitz: No, I want to blend in. Rajesh Koothrappali: To what? Toy Story?
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation Rajesh Koothrappali: [Whispering] We have to tell him. Sheldon Cooper: Tell me what? Howard Wolowitz: Damn his Vulcan hearing.