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Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #4 of 15 (Full List)

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

05x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Infestation Hypothesis

Raj Koothrappali: Nice of you to let us use the university's new hydraulic thermoforming press.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. this baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's three minutes. Let's see what we got.


Raj Koothrappali: Oh, yeah! That is one great panini.
05x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Infestation Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, thank goodness I found you. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not going to check you for lice again.
Howard Wolowitz: Just his head, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to talk about it.
04x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Roommate Transmogrification

Howard Wolowitz: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard Hofstadter: Kill me.
Sheldon Cooper: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
04x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Roommate Transmogrification

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj Koothrappali: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Penny: You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard Wolowitz: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
Penny: Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
Howard Wolowitz: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard Wolowitz: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of ancestors doing this.

04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
Howard Wolowitz: It's not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think that, but no.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard Wolowitz: You can't take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard Wolowitz: What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.


Priya Koothrappali: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: Can I see her?
Dr. Bernstein: Well, actually, she said, and I quote, she'd like to see the "little Catholic girl" first.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Me? Why me?
Howard Wolowitz: Jews have been asking that for centuries; there's no real good answer.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
Dr. Bernstein: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
Dr. Bernstein: Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax?
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, do you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard Wolowitz: And are you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No, because I'm engaged to a putz!
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Mrs. Wolowitz] She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard Wolowitz: Where are you going?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you!


Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj and Leonard] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Mountain Elf.
Raj Koothrappali: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Hellhounds.
Raj Koothrappali: Hellhounds!


Raj Koothrappali: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
Raj Koothrappali: [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon Cooper: [exasperated] Must you?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.


Raj Koothrappali: Rotting Zombie.


Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon Cooper: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard Wolowitz: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Sheldon Cooper: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't understand.
Howard Wolowitz: He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon Cooper: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Leonard Hofstadter: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya Koothrappali: Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
Howard Wolowitz: [about Leonard] Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
Priya Koothrappali: Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Troll master.
Raj Koothrappali: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon Cooper: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry. [plays card] Walking tree.


Sheldon Cooper: Last one
Raj Koothrappali: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Have you met Bernadette's parents?
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
04x20 - The Herb Garden Germination Season 4 / Episode 20: - The Herb Garden Germination

Sheldon: I've been thinking about Dr.Green's efforts to make science palatable for the masses.
Leonard: Yeah? What about it?
Sheldon: That's all. I've just been thinking about it. Now I'm thinking about fractal equations. Now I'm thinking about the origin of the phrase "train of thought." Now I'm thinking about trains.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you listening to this guy?
Howard Wolowitz: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, I was somewhere else.
Leonard: Lucky bastard!
Sheldon: Now I'm thinking about Jell-o.
04x20 - The Herb Garden Germination Season 4 / Episode 20: - The Herb Garden Germination

Howard Wolowitz: Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It's one of the reasons I love her.
04x20 - The Herb Garden Germination Season 4 / Episode 20: - The Herb Garden Germination

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, everybody, I got something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can't think of a better time than when I'm with all my friends.
Leonard: Oh, hold on, Howard. There's lots of better times.
Raj Koothrappali: Leonard, please. The man is talking. Let him get it out, and let the chips fall where they may.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, God. What's happening?
Howard Wolowitz: I know things haven't been perfect with us, and we've had our problems, but I just have to tell you, from the moment I...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard, let me just stop you right here.
Raj Koothrappali: This is it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, what?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes, I will marry you.
Howard Wolowitz: You will?
Raj Koothrappali: You will?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I will. I will!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I love you, too.
Leonard: Congratulations!
Priya Koothrappali: Oh, it's so exciting.
04x19 - The Zarnecki Incursion Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Zarnecki Incursion

Howard Wolowitz: [Sheldon is holding a Klingon Bat'leth] Why did you bring that?
Sheldon Cooper: No weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, let's get clear on something. We're just gonna tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one's "batlething" anybody.
Sheldon Cooper: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.
04x19 - The Zarnecki Incursion Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Zarnecki Incursion

Howard Wolowitz: [while playing World of Warcraft] Alright, here we are; this is the tavern where all the black-market weapon trades go down.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't think my character should be in a place like this; everyone's undressing her with their eyes.
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe if you stop dropping your sword and bending over to pick it up!
04x19 - The Zarnecki Incursion Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Zarnecki Incursion

Raj Koothrappali: [while on a road-trip] I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.
Sheldon Cooper: This says Beyoncé Bootylicious Dance Mix.
Raj Koothrappali: It's a rewritable CD, just put it in.
Howard Wolowitz: Beyoncé, really?
Raj Koothrappali: She's curvy and she's owns it. I like that.
04x19 - The Zarnecki Incursion Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Zarnecki Incursion

Howard Wolowitz: No-one can hide from me: not Waldo, not Carmen Sandiego, not even topless Natalie Portman.
04x18 - The Prestidigitation Approximation Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Prestidigitation Approximation

Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion
Howard Wolowitz: Fine then get another deck and I'll do the trick with that
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm saying believe in magic you muggle!
04x18 - The Prestidigitation Approximation Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Prestidigitation Approximation

Howard Wolowitz: You ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon?
04x18 - The Prestidigitation Approximation Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Prestidigitation Approximation

Penny: I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know; that's axiomatic.
Penny: Come here.


Howard Wolowitz: You're right.
Penny: [seeing Sheldon's indignation] Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.
04x17 - The Toast Derivation Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Toast Derivation

Howard Wolowitz: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God! You're kidding?
Raj Koothrappali: Nope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterward and said, "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could've put a little more thought into Windows Vista." [all laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: Bam! Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC.
04x17 - The Toast Derivation Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Toast Derivation

Sheldon Cooper: [knocking on front door] All my friends?


Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?


Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
Howard Wolowitz: I think it's like "Beetlejuice"; we said his name too many times.
04x17 - The Toast Derivation Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Toast Derivation

Priya: Sheldon's a bit quirky, isn't he?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh please, that crazy bastard is looking at quirky in the rearview mirror.
04x17 - The Toast Derivation Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Toast Derivation

Howard Wolowitz: I think it's like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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