Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

05x08 - The Isolation Permutation Season 5 / Episode 8: - The Isolation Permutation

Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?
Howard Wolowitz: "What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?" Why do you hate us?
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: [to Leonard] Did you just pick a girl up in a comic book store?
Stuart: Because if you did, you get your picture up there, on The Wall of Heroes.
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [off screen] Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's not my mom, that's Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? That's unsettling.
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Sheldon Cooper: You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun! [holds out his hand]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, whatever. [they shake hands, Howard gets the electric shock, and faints]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: [panics] It was a harmless Halloween prank... Look...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought he made that up! Isn't hypochondria common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is adrenaline... we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon Cooper: We are?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You are! I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot! [gives the needle to Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no! I can't!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hurry! We're running out of time!
Sheldon Cooper: Okay...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just do it!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh God! One... two... three... [sticks a "needle" in Howard's chest]
Howard Wolowitz: [opens his eyes undramatically, revealing that he was just acting] Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon Cooper: [while Howard and Bernadette laughs] What? No! You mean all this was just a ruse? Oh, how could I be so STU-U-U-U... [touches his head with the electronic device and falls down again]
05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: Come on. Admit it, we got you, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: Please! Fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you and able to anticipate your actions...


Sheldon Cooper: ...it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.
Raj Koothrappali: He's probably right.
Howard Wolowitz: We can't beat him. He's just too smart.
Sheldon Cooper: [satisfied] Gentlemen.

05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Good Guy Fluctuation

Howard Wolowitz: [after scaring Sheldon and making him faint] Who had money on faints?
Raj Koothrappali: I had peed his pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Looks like everyone's a winner.
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Raj Koothrappali: [Looking at a crucifix in a Catholic church] None of our gods have abs like that.
Howard Wolowitz: Yup... that's the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. I mean it'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still...
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Sheldon Cooper: You people need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with you, with your sushi and your sadness and your slutty shirts! Stop it!


Howard Wolowitz: He's not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.
05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Rhinitis Revelation

Howard Wolowitz: So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper: Oh, my word! A trip to the Heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you could read.
Howard Wolowitz: Thanks, but I watch the 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' every year, so I get the gist.
05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Russian Rocket Reaction

Howard Wolowitz: [after everyone cheers for him and his team design going to space] It gets better! Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is!
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed Lee.


Howard Wolowitz: Who's Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, and Lee the most common surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Russian Rocket Reaction

Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting from off-screen] Howard! Bernadette's here!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting back] Tell her I'm not home!
Mrs. Wolowitz: What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Russian Rocket Reaction

Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do they send you to the Space Station with the space shuttle program shutting down?
Howard Wolowitz: That's the cool part. They send you to Kashaztan, put you in a Russian Soyuz capsule and the rocket launches you into subspace orbit. Or it just stands there in the launch pad because the Kashaki Mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard Wolowitz: As safe as they could be when they're built by the fine folks who brought you Chernobyl.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: [to Emily] Hi.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Emily signs] She says it's nice to meet you.
Raj Koothrappali: Does she really mean that or did she sign that sarcastically?
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice, like James Earl Jones.
Howard Wolowitz: She... she doesn't know how James Earl Jones sounds like!
Raj Koothrappali: Great. Then she won't know I'm lying.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Howard Wolowitz: She asks if you play any instrument.
Raj Koothrappali: No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boyband called Frankie Goes to Bollywood.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: [to Emily] Can we talk to you about Raj?
Howard Wolowitz: She says: "Sure, what about him?"
Penny: Raj is naive. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women... [Howard stops signing here, as he gets distracted by two beautiful women at the reception desk behind them]... and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy lots of expensive things and I... [realizing that Howard isn't signing anymore] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard Wolowitz: Right! [signing] Are you a gold digger or not? [Penny looks at him, disgusted by him. Emily gets infuriated, and starts to sign with rage] Oh, uh... something, something... Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself! [Emily leaves, and Penny looks at him in shock] Oh, I get this now...
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Sheldon Cooper: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard Wolowitz: I say, "Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon rolls dice] Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. And by the by, I liked it too.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Howard Wolowitz: Really? On Dungeons and Dragons I enter a dungeon and find a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose?
Sheldon Cooper: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and ladders?
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard Wolowitz: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard Hofstadter: You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon Cooper: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: [sees Howard ogling at a woman in a gym] Really, Howard? You're engaged to my friend.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Bernadette doesn't need to know how I rev up my engine so long as I park the car in the right garage.
Penny: I can't believe you're engaged to my friend.
05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: [whispering] Oh, here she comes!
Howard Wolowitz: Smart. Whisper, so the deaf chick can't hear you.
05x03 - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation

Mrs. Wolowitz: I don't know who you're talking to, but in or out! We don't need bugs!
Howard Wolowitz: The bugs only come here, because YOU'RE THEIR QUEEN!
05x03 - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good morning, handsome.
Howard Wolowitz: Good morning, mom.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's me!
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, it is. And you're so pretty in the morning!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mom and I made you breakfast.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. So, you guys are getting along?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah... I guess. We're very different people, Howard. So communication's a little tricky.
Mrs. Wolowitz: DOES HE LIKE THE PANCAKES?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: HE DIDN'T TRY THEM, YET!
Howard Wolowitz: Is there any butter?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's butter flavored syrup.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SO, WHAT'S THE WORD?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: HE WANTS BUTTER!
Mrs. Wolowitz: IT'S BUTTER FLAVORED SYRUP!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I JUST TOLD HIM THAT!
05x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Infestation Hypothesis

Raj Koothrappali: Nice of you to let us use the university's new hydraulic thermoforming press.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. this baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's three minutes. Let's see what we got.


Raj Koothrappali: Oh, yeah! That is one great panini.
05x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Infestation Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, thank goodness I found you. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not going to check you for lice again.
Howard Wolowitz: Just his head, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to talk about it.
04x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Roommate Transmogrification

Howard Wolowitz: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard Hofstadter: Kill me.
Sheldon Cooper: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
04x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Roommate Transmogrification

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj Koothrappali: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Penny: You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard Wolowitz: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
Penny: Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
Howard Wolowitz: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
04x23 - The Engagement Reaction Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Engagement Reaction

Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard Wolowitz: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of ancestors doing this.


Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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