Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #4 of 15 (Full List)

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

04x11 - The Justice League Recombination Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Justice League Recombination

Howard Wolowitz: Check it out; those guys are breaking into that car'
Leonard Hofstadter: What should we do?
Sheldon Cooper: We're the Justice League of America. There's only one thing we *can* do: turn around and slowly walk away.
04x10 - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis Season 4 / Episode 10: - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: What is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.
Raj Koothrappali: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?
Sheldon Cooper: Wrong. The best number is 73. You're probably wondering why.
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Raj Koothrappali: We're good.
Sheldon Cooper: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying - hang on to your hats - seven and three. Heh? Heh? Did I lie?
Leonard Hofstadter: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.
Sheldon Cooper: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome: 1001001, which backwards is 1001001. Exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is "sirron kcuhc."
Raj Koothrappali: Just for the record, when you enter 5,318,008 in a calculator, upside down, it spells "boobies."
04x10 - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis Season 4 / Episode 10: - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

Raj Koothrappali: You realize you can't win.
Howard Wolowitz: I prefer to think that I can't lose.
Raj Koothrappali: You're wrong. It's only a matter of time before you fall into Rat Man's Rat Trap.
Howard Wolowitz: You pathetic fool, if there were a rat catcher wouldn't it catch Rat Man?
Raj Koothrappali: Just because I didn't express myself well doesn't mean my underlying point wasn't valid, you bloviating buffoon.
Howard Wolowitz: You narcissistic nincompoop.
Raj Koothrappali: You crimson coward. Oh, Leonard, wake up; you're missing some very excellent superhero quips.
04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Boyfriend Complexity

Howard Wolowitz: Aah, this takes me back, Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in awhile, it's nice to hear the hits.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, ooh, do "Our babies will be smart and beautiful". That one always makes me laugh.
04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Boyfriend Complexity

Howard Wolowitz: C-7.
Raj Koothrappali: Miss.
Howard Wolowitz: How could that be a miss? C-6 was a hit. C-8 was a hit. Part of your starship has to be on C-7.
Raj Koothrappali: Not if it has a hole in the middle.
Howard Wolowitz: What kind of space ship has a hole in the middle?
Raj Koothrappali: A... Romulan battle bagel?
04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Boyfriend Complexity

Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, where's the telescope?
Howard Wolowitz: It's in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He's hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?
Howard Wolowitz: I did it with you, when we rented 'The Notebook'.
04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Boyfriend Complexity

Raj Koothrappali: I can't be drinking! I'm about to make an important scientific discovery here!
Howard Wolowitz: What - ? Galileo did his best work while drinking wine.
Raj Koothrappali: How do you know that?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, he was Italian. It's a reasonable assumption.
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, can you even open your mouth without spewing a cultural stereotype?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I'm sorry, Galileo drank diet Sprite!
04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Boyfriend Complexity

Leonard Hofstadter: D'you get to play with Raj's big telescope last night?
Howard Wolowitz: Wh... Where did that come from?
Raj Koothrappali: He never touched my telescope!
Howard Wolowitz: Way to go shutting up.
Raj Koothrappali: I did shut up. Now you shut up.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you. [pause] How come you didn't call me this morning?
04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Boyfriend Complexity

Raj Koothrappali: You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.
Howard Wolowitz: Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.
Sheldon Cooper: As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard Wolowitz: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
Sheldon Cooper: Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.
04x08 - The 21-second Excitation Season 4 / Episode 8: - The 21-second Excitation

Penny: How does an archeology professor get that good with a whip?
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That's how I learned.
04x08 - The 21-second Excitation Season 4 / Episode 8: - The 21-second Excitation

Penny: I think I'll pass, but you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
Leonard Hofstadter: I bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we'd still be together.
Penny: Hmm... yeah, no we wouldn't.


Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.
04x08 - The 21-second Excitation Season 4 / Episode 8: - The 21-second Excitation

Howard Wolowitz: Are you sure you don't want to come with us to "Raiders"?
Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab.
04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Apology Insufficiency

Raj Koothrappali: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to speak to the FBI!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Raj Koothrappali: I'm brown and I talk funny.
Howard Wolowitz: They're just doing a background check on me.
Raj Koothrappali: It doesn't matter. They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't be ridiculous, Raj. You're here legally.
Raj Koothrappali: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?
04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Apology Insufficiency

Howard Wolowitz: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon Cooper: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
Sheldon Cooper: But you love that spot.
Howard Wolowitz: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.
04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Apology Insufficiency

Howard Wolowitz: I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...
Sheldon Cooper: I changed my mind; get out of my spot!
Penny: How long?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ninety-four seconds.
04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Apology Insufficiency

Howard Wolowitz: I see. Well, it's good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.
04x06 - The Irish Pub Formulation Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Irish Pub Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: This is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten. It tastes like it's made of actual ground-up shoe maker.
04x06 - The Irish Pub Formulation Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Irish Pub Formulation

Raj Koothrappali: My sister is much hotter than your girlfriend, and you know it.
Howard Wolowitz: Let's just agree they're both hot.
Raj Koothrappali: What - ? Dude, that's my sister you're talking about!
04x06 - The Irish Pub Formulation Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Irish Pub Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: [learning Leonard slept with Raj's sister Priya] I would never do that. Unlike him, I respect you.
Leonard Hofstadter: [skeptically] Really. Was it out of respect that you didn't tell him you accidentally dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Raj Koothrappali: [in outrage/disgust] Dude, I put that thing on my face!
04x05 - The Desperation Emanation Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Desperation Emanation

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, guys.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Alright, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey.
04x05 - The Desperation Emanation Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Desperation Emanation

Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is like, the worst date of my life.
Howard Wolowitz: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on JDate, and that didn't even crack my top 10.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: Now, where were we?
Bernadette: I believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette? What are you doing here?
Bernadette: Well, if I had to guess I'd say I'm here because you saw me earlier this evening and you're still hung up on me.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I'm not.
Katee Sackhoff: Clearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we'd be done by now.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I'm a little confused here.
George Takei: Oh my, can I help?
Howard Wolowitz: Not that kind of confused!
Bernadette: What's George Takei doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?
Howard Wolowitz: Of course not!
George Takei: So you say, yet here I am.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Raj Koothrappali: Why can't I buy my own desk?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, why can't he buy his own desk?
Sheldon Cooper: Because... [long pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Because?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's my office.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?


Bernadette: [as she walks by the table] Hi guys.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. [peers under the table] I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj Koothrappali: It's one of his best moves.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] Howard! Have you seen my girdle?
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] No, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] Maybe it committed suicide! Leave me alone!
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] Howard! I found my girdle! It was in the dryer!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] Great, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] I think it shrunk! I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!
Howard Wolowitz: [quietly to himself] And with that mental picture I think we're done for the evening.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: It's embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.
04x03 - The Zazzy Substitution Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Zazzy Substitution

Raj Koothrappali: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard Wolowitz: [mocking] What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?
Raj Koothrappali: If I don't have to boom-boom.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: What do we owe you?
Leonard Hofstadter: It came to $28.17 Let's say six bucks apiece.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Howard and Raj hand money over to Leonard] There you go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.


Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Never mind, I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, you're right, we're not going out anymore. I should pay for myself.


Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: No, he, uh, He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, look. It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.
Raj Koothrappali: That's my joke; I told it last night. You can't just use it.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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