Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

05x17 - The Rothman Disintegration Season 5 / Episode 17: - The Rothman Disintegration

Barry Kripke: How does it work?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Barry Kripke: I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Barry Kripke: Almost got it. One more time?
Sheldon Cooper: Sure! Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: ...rock crushes...
Howard Wolowitz: Stop. He's screwing with you.
Sheldon Cooper: Is he? Well, then, seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.
05x17 - The Rothman Disintegration Season 5 / Episode 17: - The Rothman Disintegration

Howard Wolowitz: It's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
Leonard Hofstadter: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
Howard Wolowitz: I wonder how long Sheldon's got?
Sheldon Cooper: These shrimp are all the same size. There is no logical order to eat them in.


Leonard Hofstadter: It can't be very long.
05x17 - The Rothman Disintegration Season 5 / Episode 17: - The Rothman Disintegration

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon was higher.
Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations Sheldon. You win the office.
Sheldon Cooper: Who's unsatisfactory in P.E. now?
05x16 - The Vacation Solution Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vacation Solution

Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad Libs. Now, give me a number.
Leonard Hofstadter: Five.
Sheldon Cooper: Un-huh. And an irrational constant.
Howard Wolowitz: E.
Sheldon Cooper: And a funny Greek letter.
Raj Koothrappali: Gamma.
Sheldon Cooper: I said funny.
Raj Koothrappali: Upsilon?
Sheldon Cooper: Good one! And an electrical charge.
Leonard Hofstadter: Positive.
Sheldon Cooper: Ha. Perfect. Get this. [reads] Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of [laughs] E to the upsilon as in a [breaks up laughing] Okay, no no, ahem. I'll start over. Professor Jo- [breaks up laughing again]
05x16 - The Vacation Solution Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vacation Solution

Howard Wolowitz: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon Cooper: [laughing] Oh, oh lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one, but he didn't!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon Cooper: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!
05x16 - The Vacation Solution Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vacation Solution

President Siebert: So then I'll see you all on Monday. Except for you.
Sheldon Cooper: But if I don't come in to work, what am I supposed to do with myself?
President Siebert: Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically] No, you should go.
05x16 - The Vacation Solution Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vacation Solution

Penny: [to Sheldon and Howard at the bar] What are you guys doing here?
Howard Wolowitz: We're grown men. We drink at bars.
Penny: No, and no.
05x16 - The Vacation Solution Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vacation Solution

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you mad at me?
Howard Wolowitz: No. I'm not mad at you; I just wish you would have come to me so I didn't have to hear it through the nerd-vine.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, what are we going to do?
Howard Wolowitz: You really want me to sign a pre-nup?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know. My dad's pretty insistent on it though.
Howard Wolowitz: Why don't I talk to your dad? Man to man.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Really? Ah, that'd be so great
Howard Wolowitz: Done.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I should probably give you a heads up about a couple things. Even though he's retired from the police force, he still carries his gun. But don't worry, he wont shoot it; it's more of a fashion statement.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And just to be safe, when you talk to him don't bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you're Jewish.
Howard Wolowitz: Got it, got it. Will you email me that list?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So the thing to watch for: if he's shouting at you, you're okay, but if he starts to get real quiet leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact. Not in a straight line; throw some zigs and zags in there.
Howard Wolowitz: Y'know, th- this isn't that pressing. Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: In May you're going to be on the International Space Station.
Howard Wolowitz: They got phones.
05x16 - The Vacation Solution Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vacation Solution

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.
Sheldon Cooper: One time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend's biology lab.
Sheldon Cooper: [turns to Howard] Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan project.
Howard Wolowitz: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
Sheldon Cooper: Now you do too.
05x16 - The Vacation Solution Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vacation Solution

Raj Koothrappali: President Siebert is headed this way.
Howard Wolowitz: I wonder what he wants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he doesn't look happy, so I assume he wants to talk to Sheldon.
President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Leonard Hofstadter: Told ya.
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Raj Koothrappali: Dude, if you're going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname.
Howard Wolowitz: I don't get to pick it. The other guys have to give it to me.
Raj Koothrappali: If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you not looking at me? I *am* Brown Dynamite!
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Howard Wolowitz: Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's going to learn to poop in space.
Howard Wolowitz: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Are you coming down for breakfast?
Howard Wolowitz: Ma, I told you I have a video conference with NASA! I said don't bother me!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, please listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Your Froot Loops are getting soggy!
Howard Wolowitz: Not now!
Michael J. Massimino: What was that?
Howard Wolowitz: My mom. Sorry.
Michael J. Massimino: No problem... Froot Loops.
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Raj Koothrappali: What about we make your astronaut nickname Howard "Buzz" Wolowitz.
Howard Wolowitz: You can't do Buzz. Buzz is taken.
Raj Koothrappali: Buzz Lightyear's not real.
Howard Wolowitz: No, that's not what I'm talking about.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real.
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Raj Koothrappali: Ok, um, oh, how about Crash? Howard "Crash" Wolowitz?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, terrific; the other astronauts would love to go hurtling through space with a man named Crash.
05x15 - The Friendship Contraction Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Friendship Contraction

Michael J. Massimino: Hey, Howard. Thankd for getting so early.
Howard Wolowitz: No problem, Dr. Massimino.
Michael J. Massimino: The guys here call me Mass.
Howard Wolowitz: Mass. That's a cool nickname, because force equals mass times acceleration.
Michael J. Massimino: Yeah, it's just short for Massimino.
05x14 - The Beta Test Initiation Season 5 / Episode 14: - The Beta Test Initiation

Raj Koothrappali: I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which are fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Who's Siri? Is he dating somebody new?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. His phone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is that cute or creepy?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh.
05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 13: - The Recombination Hypothesis

Howard Wolowitz: Ooh, 8:30. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?
Leonard Hofstadter: You're 30 years old and you live with your mother!
Raj Koothrappali: I guess it didn't go well.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, we don't know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.


Howard Wolowitz: How about now?
Sheldon Cooper: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he's being murdered.
05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 13: - The Recombination Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard Hofstadter: [Sarcastic] Oh boy, do I!
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: [Spiteful] No.
05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 13: - The Recombination Hypothesis

Raj Koothrappali: If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard's mother? Sandra Bullock.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Raj Koothrappali: Because she's great in everything.
05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis Season 5 / Episode 13: - The Recombination Hypothesis

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Boy, I don't know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
Howard Wolowitz: Why not.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm a very vengeful person.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: With access to weaponized smallpox.
05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Sheldon Cooper: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican Peso up my nose.
Howard Wolowitz: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon Cooper: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard Hofstadter: Next time you should open with that.
05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's obvious having kids is really important to you and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? That's great. What?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I worked and you stayed home with the kids?
Howard Wolowitz: Me?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. You know, you watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Sheldon Cooper: Is this how you're going to entertain children, by lying to them?
Howard Wolowitz: How is this lying?
Sheldon Cooper: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. "This is an ordinary tophat." "You've chosen that card freely." "I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister."
Raj Koothrappali: Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain, or up the butt?
05x11 - The Speckerman Recurrence Season 5 / Episode 11: - The Speckerman Recurrence

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, we're here to support you, man.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not. You're here to see if he can pull my underwear over my head.
Howard Wolowitz: You wore underwear? You fool!
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: You know, it's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading the comics digitally.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight, yay!
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: Are you telling me that Sheldon's patented combination of condescension and no sex isn't enough to hold onto a woman?
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Howard Wolowitz: I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replaces actual human contact.
05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Raj Koothrappali: Stuart, help us settle an argument. Who would win in a fight, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: I could tell you, but then I would be depriving you of the joy of finding out yourselves at the magical, rootin'-tootin' low price of $24.99.
Raj Koothrappali: I'll buy one.
Howard Wolowitz: Make that two.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate you both and myself. Make it three.
Stuart: [Walking to resgister] Like shooting nerds in a barrel.
05x09 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Ornithophobia Diffusion

Raj Koothrappali: C'mon Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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