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Howard Wolowitz Quotes
 | Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Psychic Vortex Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite. Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria, and yet I still want to kiss this woman. What does that tell you? Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base. Bernadette Rostenkowski: We're way past second base. Right, Howard? Howard Wolowitz: Uh, we kind of disagree about what the bases are. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Gorilla Experiment Howard Wolowitz: It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee too? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation Howard Wolowitz: So nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always. Katee Sackhoff: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies. Howard Wolowitz: Come on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap. Katee Sackhoff: I'm sorry. Fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act. Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. So, shall we get started? Katee Sackhoff: Sure, but could I ask you a question first? Howard Wolowitz: You want to play Cylon & Colonist? Katee Sackhoff: No. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight. Howard Wolowitz: You mean Bernadette? Katee Sackhoff: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you. Howard Wolowitz: I know, but she's not you. Katee Sackhoff: I'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy. Howard Wolowitz: Really? Tall? Katee Sackhoff: Six four. Howard Wolowitz: Ouch. Katee Sackhoff: The point is you've got a wonderful girl in your life and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in a bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth. Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! What are you doing in there? Howard Wolowitz: I'm taking a bath! Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub! Howard Wolowitz: Don't remind me! Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, all soaped up and no place to go. |
| Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation Howard Wolowitz: Two years later there's a knock on the door; the guy opens it, and there on the porch is the snail who says, "What the heck was that all about?" Bernadette Rostenkowski: [giggles] I don't really get it. Howard Wolowitz: See, it took two for the snail to- [Bernadette kisses him] Not important. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you a question? Howard Wolowitz: Sure. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where do you think this is going? Howard Wolowitz: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base. Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian. Howard Wolowitz: A Jewish stand-up comedian; that'd be new. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish. Howard Wolowitz: No, I was just be- Never mind. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Look, Howard, this is our third date, and we both know what that means. Howard Wolowitz: We do? Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sex. Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding! Bernadette Rostenkowski: But I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand. Howard Wolowitz: Okay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like 'chicken or fish' on an airplane. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you need to think about it a little. Howard Wolowitz: You know it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship. Bernadette Rostenkowski: [she kisses him briefly] Call me when you figure it out. [she goes into her house] Howard Wolowitz: Three dates means sex! Who knew? |
| Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation Howard Wolowitz: [about Bernadette] She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type. Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need? Howard Wolowitz: Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different. Penny: Different how? Howard Wolowitz: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'. Penny: Are you high? Leonard Hofstadter: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'. Howard Wolowitz: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be. |
| Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation Penny: [Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette] Oh, I am *so* sorry. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me. Howard Wolowitz: [sings] Bernadette! [says] Thank you, Cheesecake Factory! |
| Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation Howard Wolowitz: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex? Raj Koothrappali: Actually, I've never had three dates with the same woman. Leonard Hofstadter: With Penny and me it took two years! Now that I think about it that was three dates. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Rajesh Koothrappali: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king. Leonard Hofstadter: I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. Len-nerd. Howard Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie. Rajesh Koothrappali: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first. Leonard Hofstadter: You know what's a cool name? Angelo. That has "angel" and "jello" in it. Howard Wolowitz: It was my uncle Murray's funeral. We were all back at my aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen! Rajesh Koothrappali: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch. Leonard Hofstadter: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie! How's it goin'? Howard Wolowitz: To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. [sighs] Cousin Jeannie. |
| Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Howard Wolowitz: Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us. Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, it's just not the same without him. |
| Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Howard Wolowitz: How much time do we have? Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, T minus five hours thirty-seven minutes to onset of meteor shower. Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, our position is thirty-four point forty-eight degrees north, a hundred and eighteen point thirty-one west; that means the azimuth should be a hundred and sixty-eight point twenty-two degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of forty-nine point nighty-three. Howard Wolowitz: Anything yet? Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, we have a signal but there's no frame lock. Howard Wolowitz: Hang on. How 'bout... now? Rajesh Koothrappali: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO. Howard Wolowitz: Mmm, Real Sex. Rajesh Koothrappali: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers. |
| Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Rajesh Koothrappali: And the next morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and realized... don, don, don... she was his cousin. [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically] Howard Wolowitz: That's still not funny. Rajesh Koothrappali: [mimicking Howard] That's still not funny. [they laugh even harder] Howard Wolowitz: And she was my *second* cousin. Rajesh Koothrappali: And she was my *second* cousin. [more laughing] Howard Wolowitz: You're a real douche. Rajesh Koothrappali: Who cares! You slept with your *cousin*! [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically again] |
 | Season 3 / Episode 7: - The Guitarist Amplification Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch? Howard Wolowitz: No, I mean she's obviously way out of line... Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you. Howard Wolowitz: But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football? Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently. Howard Wolowitz: I mean Quidditch, sure. But football? Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff? Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot. Leonard Hofstadter: Unbelievable. Sheldon Cooper: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken. Leonard Hofstadter: So you could teach me? Sheldon Cooper: Football or chicken fried meats? Leonard Hofstadter: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in. Sheldon Cooper: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage. |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Howard Wolowitz: [Howard and Raj are arguing] At least I can talk to women without being drunk! Rajesh Koothrappali: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You're just a douche! |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Howard Wolowitz: I would've caught up to her if I hadn't pulled a hammy. Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, please. You weigh 80 pounds. You don't have a hammy. |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Howard Wolowitz: I brought you a little gift. New kite! Rajesh Koothrappali: [scoffs] The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang. An Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty. Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang? |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Howard Wolowitz: [about a girl he thought smiled at him] I totally had a shot! Rajesh Koothrappali: With a woman you were chasing through a park. That's not a shot; that's a felony. |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Leonard Hofstadter: [watching football] What is this 'sacks' statistic they put up there? Howard Wolowitz: All I know about Sax is my mother shops there. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Penny: OK, I gotta go. Leonard Hofstadter: Why? Penny: Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka. Howard Wolowitz: Not Ka, *Ka'a*. Penny: Buh-aye. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer and you speak five languages. Howard Wolowitz: Six, if you count Klingon. Leonard Hofstadter: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right? Penny: Right. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's cell phone rings with 'She Blinded Me With Science'] Damn, it's my mother. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you going to answer it? Howard Wolowitz: Well, I'm torn. She might be dying; you know, wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over. Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy. Howard Wolowitz: [laughs it off] Not as crazy as my mother makes me. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch? Howard Wolowitz: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning, like you're nine years old? Howard Wolowitz: You live with your mother? Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. That's the sad part. Howard Wolowitz: Oh. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children. Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity. Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you? Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. Howard Wolowitz: Corolla! More wine? Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd love some. Howard Wolowitz: Listen, you have to come to shabbos dinner at my house sometime. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why? Howard Wolowitz: Well, a Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for. Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke. Howard Wolowitz: It's a date. [they laugh and clink wine glasses] Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what? |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Howard Wolowitz: All right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card. And I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines. [in Jar Jar Binks accent] Choke on that, Sucka! Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Well then, I'll just *cut* your Vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it, I cut 'em. Penny: Um... I have a question. Leonard Hofstadter: Warlord beats Troll; Troll beats Elf; Elf beats Water Sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny. Howard Wolowitz: Unless you have the Carrot of Power. Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun? Howard Wolowitz: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution Howard Wolowitz: [about going with Penny on Thanksgiving] I'd love to, but on Thanksgiving my family comes to my mother's for her famous tur-briska-fil. Penny: Tur-briska-fil? Howard Wolowitz: Turkey stuffed with brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution Penny: [to Leonard] Hi, honey. Howard Wolowitz: So we're honey now? Sheldon Cooper: Ever since her relationship with Leonard became carnal, she has upgraded her term of endearment to honey, delegating the rest of us as sweetie, usually as a veiled attempt to soften an insult. Penny: You're boring people, sweetie. Sheldon Cooper: Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution Howard Wolowitz: So, what are we watching? Sex and the City? Yikes! Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie. Howard Wolowitz: Fine, let's watch it. Maybe all of our periods will synchronize. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution Howard Wolowitz: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for apres l'amour. Howard Wolowitz: Oh, kill me. Howard Wolowitz: By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard. Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn't have had to hear that. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation Howard Wolowitz: Hey, wanna try a country bar tomorrow night? Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, maybe we'll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls. Howard Wolowitz: Could happen. Raj Koothrappali: I wonder how they smell. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard? Howard Wolowitz: Well, I can't really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog. Bethany: Kermit the Frog? Howard Wolowitz: You know. [Kermit voice] Hi ho, I'm on Howard's butt! Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I'll see if I can make him smile. Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I'd like the mean little skull, please. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket. Sheldon: I can't take your money. Howard Wolowitz: What's the matter? You chicken? Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house. Rajesh Koothrappali: Chickens can't climb trees. Sheldon: Thank God. Howard Wolowitz: Okay. [Holds hands up in surrender] I believe a chicken made you his bitch. |
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