Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #4 of 15 (Full List)

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Boyfriend Complexity

Leonard Hofstadter: D'you get to play with Raj's big telescope last night?
Howard Wolowitz: Wh... Where did that come from?
Raj Koothrappali: He never touched my telescope!
Howard Wolowitz: Way to go shutting up.
Raj Koothrappali: I did shut up. Now you shut up.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you. [pause] How come you didn't call me this morning?
04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Boyfriend Complexity

Raj Koothrappali: You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.
Howard Wolowitz: Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.
Sheldon Cooper: As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard Wolowitz: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
Sheldon Cooper: Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.
04x08 - The 21-second Excitation Season 4 / Episode 8: - The 21-second Excitation

Penny: How does an archeology professor get that good with a whip?
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That's how I learned.
04x08 - The 21-second Excitation Season 4 / Episode 8: - The 21-second Excitation

Penny: I think I'll pass, but you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
Leonard Hofstadter: I bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we'd still be together.
Penny: Hmm... yeah, no we wouldn't.


Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.
04x08 - The 21-second Excitation Season 4 / Episode 8: - The 21-second Excitation

Howard Wolowitz: Are you sure you don't want to come with us to "Raiders"?
Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab.
04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Apology Insufficiency

Raj Koothrappali: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to speak to the FBI!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Raj Koothrappali: I'm brown and I talk funny.
Howard Wolowitz: They're just doing a background check on me.
Raj Koothrappali: It doesn't matter. They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't be ridiculous, Raj. You're here legally.
Raj Koothrappali: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?
04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Apology Insufficiency

Howard Wolowitz: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon Cooper: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
Sheldon Cooper: But you love that spot.
Howard Wolowitz: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.
04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Apology Insufficiency

Howard Wolowitz: I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...
Sheldon Cooper: I changed my mind; get out of my spot!
Penny: How long?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ninety-four seconds.
04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Apology Insufficiency

Howard Wolowitz: I see. Well, it's good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.
04x06 - The Irish Pub Formulation Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Irish Pub Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: This is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten. It tastes like it's made of actual ground-up shoe maker.
04x06 - The Irish Pub Formulation Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Irish Pub Formulation

Raj Koothrappali: My sister is much hotter than your girlfriend, and you know it.
Howard Wolowitz: Let's just agree they're both hot.
Raj Koothrappali: What - ? Dude, that's my sister you're talking about!
04x06 - The Irish Pub Formulation Season 4 / Episode 6: - The Irish Pub Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: [learning Leonard slept with Raj's sister Priya] I would never do that. Unlike him, I respect you.
Leonard Hofstadter: [skeptically] Really. Was it out of respect that you didn't tell him you accidentally dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Raj Koothrappali: [in outrage/disgust] Dude, I put that thing on my face!
04x05 - The Desperation Emanation Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Desperation Emanation

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, guys.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Alright, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey.
04x05 - The Desperation Emanation Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Desperation Emanation

Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is like, the worst date of my life.
Howard Wolowitz: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on JDate, and that didn't even crack my top 10.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: Now, where were we?
Bernadette: I believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette? What are you doing here?
Bernadette: Well, if I had to guess I'd say I'm here because you saw me earlier this evening and you're still hung up on me.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I'm not.
Katee Sackhoff: Clearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we'd be done by now.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I'm a little confused here.
George Takei: Oh my, can I help?
Howard Wolowitz: Not that kind of confused!
Bernadette: What's George Takei doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?
Howard Wolowitz: Of course not!
George Takei: So you say, yet here I am.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Raj Koothrappali: Why can't I buy my own desk?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, why can't he buy his own desk?
Sheldon Cooper: Because... [long pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Because?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's my office.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?


Bernadette: [as she walks by the table] Hi guys.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. [peers under the table] I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj Koothrappali: It's one of his best moves.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] Howard! Have you seen my girdle?
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] No, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] Maybe it committed suicide! Leave me alone!
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] Howard! I found my girdle! It was in the dryer!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] Great, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] I think it shrunk! I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!
Howard Wolowitz: [quietly to himself] And with that mental picture I think we're done for the evening.
04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation Season 4 / Episode 4: - The Hot Troll Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: It's embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.
04x03 - The Zazzy Substitution Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Zazzy Substitution

Raj Koothrappali: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard Wolowitz: [mocking] What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?
Raj Koothrappali: If I don't have to boom-boom.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: What do we owe you?
Leonard Hofstadter: It came to $28.17 Let's say six bucks apiece.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Howard and Raj hand money over to Leonard] There you go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.


Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Never mind, I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, you're right, we're not going out anymore. I should pay for myself.


Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: No, he, uh, He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, look. It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.
Raj Koothrappali: That's my joke; I told it last night. You can't just use it.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: [Raj just whispered something to him] You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon Cooper: That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: [unimpressed] No, it won't.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
Raj Koothrappali: That's two, dude. Write your own jokes.
04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard Wolowitz: [Raj whispers in his ear] Really? That's your question, "When did he put a ramp in"?
04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Robotic Manipulation

Sheldon Cooper: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of creating the first in a line of intellectually superior benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm guessing future historians will comdemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Robotic Manipulation

Althea: What is this?
Howard Wolowitz: It's a robot arm.
Althea: Where's the rest of the robot?
Howard Wolowitz: I just built the arm.
Althea: Because that's all you needed, right?
04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Robotic Manipulation

Althea: I need a orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
Howard Wolowitz: You think you could you be a little more discreet?
Althea: I'm sorry, we don't have a code for "robot hand grasping a man's penis".
04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Robotic Manipulation

Raj Koothrappali: [skeptically] You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
Howard Wolowitz: [embarrassed about what he was really doing] Yes.
Raj Koothrappali: Penis first?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Now, help me!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that, as well.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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