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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

03x12 - The Psychic Vortex Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Psychic Vortex

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria, and yet I still want to kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We're way past second base. Right, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
03x10 - The Gorilla Experiment Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Gorilla Experiment

Howard Wolowitz: It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee too?
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: So nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
Howard Wolowitz: Come on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap.
Katee Sackhoff: I'm sorry. Fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. So, shall we get started?
Katee Sackhoff: Sure, but could I ask you a question first?
Howard Wolowitz: You want to play Cylon & Colonist?
Katee Sackhoff: No. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Bernadette?
Katee Sackhoff: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
Howard Wolowitz: I know, but she's not you.
Katee Sackhoff: I'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Tall?
Katee Sackhoff: Six four.
Howard Wolowitz: Ouch.
Katee Sackhoff: The point is you've got a wonderful girl in your life and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in a bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm taking a bath!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub!
Howard Wolowitz: Don't remind me!


Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, all soaped up and no place to go.
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: Two years later there's a knock on the door; the guy opens it, and there on the porch is the snail who says, "What the heck was that all about?"
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [giggles] I don't really get it.
Howard Wolowitz: See, it took two for the snail to- [Bernadette kisses him] Not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you a question?
Howard Wolowitz: Sure.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where do you think this is going?
Howard Wolowitz: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian.
Howard Wolowitz: A Jewish stand-up comedian; that'd be new.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I was just be- Never mind.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Look, Howard, this is our third date, and we both know what that means.
Howard Wolowitz: We do?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sex.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: But I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like 'chicken or fish' on an airplane.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you need to think about it a little.
Howard Wolowitz: You know it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [she kisses him briefly] Call me when you figure it out. [she goes into her house]
Howard Wolowitz: Three dates means sex! Who knew?
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: [about Bernadette] She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type.
Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard Hofstadter: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be.
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Penny: [Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette] Oh, I am *so* sorry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Howard Wolowitz: [sings] Bernadette! [says] Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!
03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Vengeance Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
Raj Koothrappali: Actually, I've never had three dates with the same woman.
Leonard Hofstadter: With Penny and me it took two years! Now that I think about it that was three dates.
03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Rajesh Koothrappali: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. Len-nerd.
Howard Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what's a cool name? Angelo. That has "angel" and "jello" in it.
Howard Wolowitz: It was my uncle Murray's funeral. We were all back at my aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen!
Rajesh Koothrappali: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
Leonard Hofstadter: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie! How's it goin'?
Howard Wolowitz: To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. [sighs] Cousin Jeannie.
03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Howard Wolowitz: Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, it's just not the same without him.

03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Howard Wolowitz: How much time do we have?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, T minus five hours thirty-seven minutes to onset of meteor shower.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, our position is thirty-four point forty-eight degrees north, a hundred and eighteen point thirty-one west; that means the azimuth should be a hundred and sixty-eight point twenty-two degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of forty-nine point nighty-three.
Howard Wolowitz: Anything yet?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, we have a signal but there's no frame lock.
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on. How 'bout... now?
Rajesh Koothrappali: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.
Howard Wolowitz: Mmm, Real Sex.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Rajesh Koothrappali: And the next morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and realized... don, don, don... she was his cousin. [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically]
Howard Wolowitz: That's still not funny.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [mimicking Howard] That's still not funny. [they laugh even harder]
Howard Wolowitz: And she was my *second* cousin.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And she was my *second* cousin. [more laughing]
Howard Wolowitz: You're a real douche.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Who cares! You slept with your *cousin*! [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically again]
03x07 - The Guitarist Amplification Season 3 / Episode 7: - The Guitarist Amplification

Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
Howard Wolowitz: No, I mean she's obviously way out of line...
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.
03x06 - The Cornhusker Vortex Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently.
Howard Wolowitz: I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Unbelievable.
Sheldon Cooper: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard Hofstadter: So you could teach me?
Sheldon Cooper: Football or chicken fried meats?
Leonard Hofstadter: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon Cooper: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
03x06 - The Cornhusker Vortex Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex

Howard Wolowitz: [Howard and Raj are arguing] At least I can talk to women without being drunk!
Rajesh Koothrappali: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You're just a douche!
03x06 - The Cornhusker Vortex Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex

Howard Wolowitz: I would've caught up to her if I hadn't pulled a hammy.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, please. You weigh 80 pounds. You don't have a hammy.
03x06 - The Cornhusker Vortex Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex

Howard Wolowitz: I brought you a little gift. New kite!
Rajesh Koothrappali: [scoffs] The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang. An Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang?
03x06 - The Cornhusker Vortex Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex

Howard Wolowitz: [about a girl he thought smiled at him] I totally had a shot!
Rajesh Koothrappali: With a woman you were chasing through a park. That's not a shot; that's a felony.
03x06 - The Cornhusker Vortex Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex

Leonard Hofstadter: [watching football] What is this 'sacks' statistic they put up there?
Howard Wolowitz: All I know about Sax is my mother shops there.
03x05 - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary

Penny: OK, I gotta go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka.
Howard Wolowitz: Not Ka, *Ka'a*.
Penny: Buh-aye.
03x05 - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary

Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer and you speak five languages.
Howard Wolowitz: Six, if you count Klingon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right?
Penny: Right.
03x05 - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary

Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's cell phone rings with 'She Blinded Me With Science'] Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you going to answer it?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, I'm torn. She might be dying; you know, wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard Wolowitz: [laughs it off] Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard Wolowitz: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning, like you're nine years old?
Howard Wolowitz: You live with your mother?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. That's the sad part.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry.
Howard Wolowitz: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd love some.
Howard Wolowitz: Listen, you have to come to shabbos dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, a Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard Wolowitz: It's a date. [they laugh and clink wine glasses]
Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?
03x05 - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary

Howard Wolowitz: All right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card. And I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines. [in Jar Jar Binks accent] Choke on that, Sucka!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Well then, I'll just *cut* your Vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it, I cut 'em.
Penny: Um... I have a question.
Leonard Hofstadter: Warlord beats Troll; Troll beats Elf; Elf beats Water Sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny.
Howard Wolowitz: Unless you have the Carrot of Power.
Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun?
Howard Wolowitz: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?
03x04 - The Pirate Solution Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution

Howard Wolowitz: [about going with Penny on Thanksgiving] I'd love to, but on Thanksgiving my family comes to my mother's for her famous tur-briska-fil.
Penny: Tur-briska-fil?
Howard Wolowitz: Turkey stuffed with brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds.
03x04 - The Pirate Solution Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution

Penny: [to Leonard] Hi, honey.
Howard Wolowitz: So we're honey now?
Sheldon Cooper: Ever since her relationship with Leonard became carnal, she has upgraded her term of endearment to honey, delegating the rest of us as sweetie, usually as a veiled attempt to soften an insult.
Penny: You're boring people, sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.
03x04 - The Pirate Solution Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution

Howard Wolowitz: So, what are we watching? Sex and the City? Yikes!
Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, let's watch it. Maybe all of our periods will synchronize.
03x04 - The Pirate Solution Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Pirate Solution

Howard Wolowitz: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for apres l'amour.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, kill me.
Howard Wolowitz: By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn't have had to hear that.
03x03 - The Gothowitz Deviation Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression.
03x03 - The Gothowitz Deviation Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, wanna try a country bar tomorrow night?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, maybe we'll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls.
Howard Wolowitz: Could happen.
Raj Koothrappali: I wonder how they smell.
03x03 - The Gothowitz Deviation Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Gothowitz Deviation

Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, I can't really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog.
Bethany: Kermit the Frog?
Howard Wolowitz: You know. [Kermit voice] Hi ho, I'm on Howard's butt!
Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I'll see if I can make him smile.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I'd like the mean little skull, please.
03x02 - The Jimmy Conjecture Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Jimmy Conjecture

Howard Wolowitz: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard Wolowitz: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay. [Holds hands up in surrender] I believe a chicken made you his bitch.

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