Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 24, 2007
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #4 of 15 (Full List)

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Howard Wolowitz The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz

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  Played by:
Simon HelbergSimon Helberg
Simon Maxwell Helberg (born December 9, 1980) is an American actor and comedian. Helberg is best known ...

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

04x18 - The Prestidigitation Approximation Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Prestidigitation Approximation

Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion
Howard Wolowitz: Fine then get another deck and I'll do the trick with that
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm saying believe in magic you muggle!
04x18 - The Prestidigitation Approximation Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Prestidigitation Approximation

Howard Wolowitz: You ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon?
04x18 - The Prestidigitation Approximation Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Prestidigitation Approximation

Penny: I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know; that's axiomatic.
Penny: Come here.


Howard Wolowitz: You're right.
Penny: [seeing Sheldon's indignation] Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.
04x17 - The Toast Derivation Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Toast Derivation

Howard Wolowitz: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God! You're kidding?
Raj Koothrappali: Nope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterward and said, "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could've put a little more thought into Windows Vista." [all laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: Bam! Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC.
04x17 - The Toast Derivation Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Toast Derivation

Sheldon Cooper: [knocking on front door] All my friends?


Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?


Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
Howard Wolowitz: I think it's like "Beetlejuice"; we said his name too many times.
04x17 - The Toast Derivation Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Toast Derivation

Priya: Sheldon's a bit quirky, isn't he?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh please, that crazy bastard is looking at quirky in the rearview mirror.
04x17 - The Toast Derivation Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Toast Derivation

Howard Wolowitz: I think it's like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.
04x16 - The Cohabitation Formulation Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Cohabitation Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma!
04x16 - The Cohabitation Formulation Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Cohabitation Formulation

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard Wolowitz: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon Cooper: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.
04x16 - The Cohabitation Formulation Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Cohabitation Formulation

Howard Wolowitz: We wait for my mom's heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.
04x16 - The Cohabitation Formulation Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Cohabitation Formulation

Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard Wolowitz: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma!
04x15 - The Benefactor Factor Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Benefactor Factor

Raj Koothrappali: Here's what I wonder about zombies: [the others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard Wolowitz: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?"
Sheldon Cooper: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, okay. So, zombies.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in '28 Days', if those zombies didn't eat the starved.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, you're thinking of '28 Days Later'. '28 Days' is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
04x15 - The Benefactor Factor Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Benefactor Factor

Mrs. Latham: What happened to you, Wolowitz? Couldn't stick with it long enough to get your Ph.D.?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm an engineer. Most engineers don't bother with a Ph.D. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste disposal system for NASA.
Mrs. Latham: Got it. You're a space plumber.
04x15 - The Benefactor Factor Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Benefactor Factor

Leonard Hofstadter: Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, wow!
Howard Wolowitz: Yess!
Leonard Hofstadter: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
04x15 - The Benefactor Factor Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Benefactor Factor

Leonard Hofstadter: She hit on me.
Howard Wolowitz: Wait, wait, are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think so.
Howard Wolowitz: You lucky duck.
Penny: You're really a broken toy, aren't you?
04x15 - The Benefactor Factor Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Benefactor Factor

President Siebert: Ah, there he is, the man of the hour! He took one for the team!
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't do it for the money.
President Siebert: Keep telling yourself that; it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
Raj Koothrappali: Cool, buddy. That's awesome.
Howard Wolowitz: How was she?
04x15 - The Benefactor Factor Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Benefactor Factor

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tochus.
Penny: Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dicky.
Howard Wolowitz: Excuse me, my girl friend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.
04x14 - The Thespian Catalyst Season 4 / Episode 14: - The Thespian Catalyst

Leonard Hofstadter: I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."
Howard Wolowitz: Listen to this one: "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky dead?"
04x14 - The Thespian Catalyst Season 4 / Episode 14: - The Thespian Catalyst

Sheldon Cooper: I didn't wanna teach those poopy heads anyway!
Howard Wolowitz: FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
04x14 - The Thespian Catalyst Season 4 / Episode 14: - The Thespian Catalyst

Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette has needs.
Raj Koothrappali: What kind of needs?
Howard Wolowitz: Sexual needs.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Most of them regular, some of them kind of messed up.
04x14 - The Thespian Catalyst Season 4 / Episode 14: - The Thespian Catalyst

Raj Koothrappali: Somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard Wolowitz: Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
04x13 - The Love Car Displacement Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Love Car Displacement

Howard Wolowitz: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend, and she was like Angelina Jolie?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, come on Howard, be realistic!
Howard Wolowitz: What, I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj Koothrappali: I'd like to weigh in here. No.
04x12 - The Bus Pants Utilization Season 4 / Episode 12: - The Bus Pants Utilization

Howard Wolowitz: [on cellphone] Ma, ma, calm dow- listen to me! I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop the trackpad is the mouse. Now put your finger on it.
Howard Wolowitz: Doesn't matter which finger.
Howard Wolowitz: Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon.
Howard Wolowitz: The little envelope.
Howard Wolowitz: What do you mean what does it look like? It looks like an envelope!
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it!
Howard Wolowitz: Sure. We can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye.
Raj Koothrappali: That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.
04x12 - The Bus Pants Utilization Season 4 / Episode 12: - The Bus Pants Utilization

Raj Koothrappali: Last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions. But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think it means?
Howard Wolowitz: It means after we play handball, I'm showering at home.
04x11 - The Justice League Recombination Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Justice League Recombination

Howard Wolowitz: [in gravelly voice] I'm Batman.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I hardly think so. The real Caped Crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he's running late.
Howard Wolowitz: I had to walk. I couldn't get Raj on the back of my scooter.


Raj Koothrappali: I've said this before and I'll say it again, Aquaman sucks.
04x11 - The Justice League Recombination Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Justice League Recombination

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh.
Raj Koothrappali: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: What's the bad news?
Howard Wolowitz: Superman probably isn't getting laid tonight.
Zack: [Looks down at his Superman costume] Aw, damn.
04x11 - The Justice League Recombination Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Justice League Recombination

Zack: Look up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. [Zack jumps into Sheldon and Leonard's apartment in his Superman costume] I forget the rest.
Penny: [Enters wearing a Wonder Woman costume with a low-cut top] All right. Let's get this thing over with.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
Howard Wolowitz: Relax. No one's gonna be looking at her hair.


Howard Wolowitz: Ow! I mean...
Howard Wolowitz: [in gravelly voice] Ow.
04x11 - The Justice League Recombination Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Justice League Recombination

Raj Koothrappali: [playing a card] Water Demon.
Howard Wolowitz: [playing a card] Ice Dragon.
Leonard Hofstadter: [playing a card] Lesser Warlord of Ka'a.
Sheldon Cooper: Not so fast. [playing a card] Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Infinite Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Infinite Sheldon, it beats all other cards - and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard Hofstadter: You understand why people don't want to play with you?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.
04x11 - The Justice League Recombination Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Justice League Recombination

Stuart: You guys finally chip in for a bodyguard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, no. Oh, this is Zack; he's... a friend of ours. Zack, this is Stuart; he owns the store.
Zack: Wow! Lucky you.
Stuart: Yeah! I work seventy hours a week and average a dollar sixty-five an hour.
Zack: Sweet!
Stuart: Is that sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh, no, it's an indictment of the American education system,
04x11 - The Justice League Recombination Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Justice League Recombination

Howard Wolowitz: We can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: What makes you think *I* can convince her.
Howard Wolowitz: You got her to have sex with you; obviously your super-power is brainwashing.

Previous: Penny Next: Raj Koothrappali
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