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Floyd Lawson Quotes
 | Season 6 / Episode 10: - Aunt Bee on TV Goober Pyle: Did you know she's been walkin' all over town wearin' it? Floyd Lawson: Yeah. It's mink! Goober Pyle: Yeah, she told me. They're vicious little animals, ya know. |
 | Season 6 / Episode 3: - Malcolm at the Crossroads Ernest T. Bass: [yelling at Malcom Merriweather] I'm warning you! Now today is Thursday. If you're still here on... what's the day after Thursday? Floyd Lawson: Uh Friday. Ernest T. Bass: Right. If you're still here on Friday, which is the day after Thursday, I'll WHOOP the fire outta you. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 5: - Aunt Bee's Romance Andy Taylor: Well, as Mark Twain said, everybody complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it. Floyd Lawson: Did he say that? Andy Taylor: Mm-hmm. Floyd Lawson: I thought Calvin Coolidge said that. Andy Taylor: No, no Floyd, Calvin Coolidge didn't say that. Floyd Lawson: What'd Calvin Coolidge say? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 11: - Convicts-at-Large Floyd Lawson: Maude! Al! If those hamburgers are ruined, I won't be responsible! |
| Season 3 / Episode 11: - Convicts-at-Large Deputy Barney Fife: [Floyd and he have run out of gas, and in walking about looking for some have arrived at a mountain cabin belonging to wealthy Mr. O'Malley. Barney decides to shout to see if anyone's home] O'Malley! Charlie! It's me, Barney Fife! Floyd Lawson: [Aghast] You shouldn't call a rich man by his first name! Deputy Barney Fife: [to Floyd] The Bigger they are, the nicer they are. Deputy Barney Fife: Hey, Chuck! |
| Season 3 / Episode 11: - Convicts-at-Large Floyd Lawson: How come you're putting on your uniform? Deputy Barney Fife: In case we decide to hitchhike. Floyd Lawson: Oh. Deputy Barney Fife: In civies I'm a little hard looking. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 28: - The Bookie Barber Sheriff Andy Taylor: You... you could put a sign in the window sayin' "Two Chairs - No Waitin'." Floyd Lawson: Yeah, yeah, gee whiz... two chairs... and I got the magazines to swing it! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 7: - Crime-Free Mayberry Margaret Williamson: [a reporter, not realizing she's walked into a fishing story rather than a police story] Well, you were just sayin' "Mr. Carp, you have met your match." Andy Taylor: Oh, yes. Well, old carp, he didn't think so. Margaret Williamson: No? Andy Taylor: No, no. The closter I come to pullin' him in, well, the scrappier he got. Well, finally I just reached down and picked up a axe and, wham, right between the eyes. Margaret Williamson: [incredulously] You struck him with an ax? Andy Taylor: The blunt side, to stun him. Floyd Lawson: Oh, they're tough, those carps, hoo-hoo. Oh, I tell you. Margaret Williamson: What'd you do then? Andy Taylor: I strung him up and had my picture took with him. Margaret Williamson: You strung him up right then and there? Andy Taylor: Well, yes, ma'am. There was a big oak tree with a... with a good stout limb - oh, I reckon seven/eight feet off the ground - and I throwed a rope acrossed it and-and pulled him up, and Barney - that's my deputy - he took my picture standing beside of him grinnin' from ear to ear. It took me about all the strength I had to pull that carp up where he cleared the ground. Floyd Lawson: Yeah. Oh, they're BIG, those carps. Andy Taylor: Yeah. Margaret Williamson: I can't believe it. Andy Taylor: Well, I got a picture here... Margaret Williamson: Oh, no, no, PLEASE. You killed him? Andy Taylor: Well, yes, ma'am. Round these parts we figure we're doin' folks a favor when we kill a carp. They're a awful nuisance. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 29: - Quiet Sam Floyd Lawson: He cuts his own hair. Barney Fife: He tell you that? Floyd Lawson: Didn't have to. I can spot an amateur head a mile off. |
| Season 1 / Episode 29: - Quiet Sam Barney Fife: Don't look at him. He'll know we're talkin' him. Barney Fife: What's he doin' now? Floyd Lawson: I don't know. You told me not to look at him. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 16: - The Beauty Contest Floyd Lawson: You know how we always do a pageant showing the founding of Mayberry? Well, how 'bout WITH that we also have a... beauty pageant? Sam Lindsey: Beauty pageant. You mean with girls? Andy Taylor: Uh, well they help. |
 | Unknown Episode: Andy Taylor: Floyd. Floyd Lawson: What's the matter? Andy Taylor: My sideburns. Floyd Lawson: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns? Andy Taylor: Why, they're both even. Floyd Lawson: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen? Andy Taylor: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything. |
| Unknown Episode: Floyd Lawson: [while looking at himself in the mirror] Wretch, wretch! Deceitful wretch! |
| Unknown Episode: Goober Pyle: Floyd made the diagnosis. Andy Taylor: Floyd, what do you know about whiplash? Floyd Lawson: What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck. |
| Unknown Episode: Floyd Lawson: If I keep this up I'll probably end up with a barber's claw from holding the shears all day. |
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