Aug. 23, 1998
30 min.
FOX TV Network

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Michael Kelso That '70s Show

Michael Kelso

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  Played by:
Ashton KutcherAshton Kutcher
In 1997 he was a biochemical engineering student at the University of Iowa, working at General Mills ...

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Michael Kelso Quotes

06x05 - I'm Free Season 6 / Episode 5: - I'm Free

Steven Hyde: Kelso, you know what you should do, but your not gonna do it because you're too much of a tool.
Michael Kelso: You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life.

Steven Hyde: Tool.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, Steven, you're sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too. This so foxy.
Steven Hyde: Hey, why don't we go down to my room, tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track.

06x05 - I'm Free Season 6 / Episode 5: - I'm Free

Michael Kelso: Alright. At first, when you told me that I was off the hook, I was, like, totally psyched, right? But then I started to think about it, and... I don't want to be off the hook. I wanna be a part of this kid's life.
Brooke: Michael, I didn't let you off the hook to be nice. I just don't think you understand what it means to have a baby.

Michael Kelso: No, but I do. It... it means taking him to teeball games, and... and teaching him how to ride a bike, and... taking him to the doctor when he's sick.
Brooke: And what if it's a girl?
Michael Kelso: Oh, it's not gonna be a girl. We did it standing up.

Brooke: [nods] Uh-huh.
06x04 - The Acid Queen Season 6 / Episode 4: - The Acid Queen

Brooke: Kelso, we have to talk about doing it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Michael Kelso: Just a second, Brooke.

Michael Kelso: Burn!

Michael Kelso: Burn!

Michael Kelso: Burn!

Michael Kelso: Burn!

Michael Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!

Michael Kelso: Burn!

Michael Kelso: So, Brooke. What did want to talk about?
Brooke: I just found out I'm pregnant.
Michael Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!
06x02 - Join Together Season 6 / Episode 2: - Join Together

Michael Kelso: Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but... there's gotta some things that you did, that you wish you hadn't done. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was, and then you licked your lips, and you rubbed you stomach and you were like "Mmm, it's really good, Kelso", and then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't of done that.
Steven Hyde: Yeah... well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.
Michael Kelso: [nods] Now see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.

Michael Kelso: Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.
Jackie Burkhart: [confused] What?
Michael Kelso: I'm just telling you what he said.
Jackie Burkhart: Alright, look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Michael Kelso: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.

Michael Kelso: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Steven Hyde: [confused] That can't be what she said.
Michael Kelso: It's word for word, man.
Steven Hyde: Kelso, would you get outta here?
Michael Kelso: What? I'm helping.
Steven Hyde: You're making me wanna kick your ass!
Michael Kelso: [angrily] That better be the rash talking.

06x01 - The Kids Are Alright Season 6 / Episode 1: - The Kids Are Alright

Michael Kelso: [Eric enters the kitchen wearing one of Donna's blouses] Forman, just 'cause there's a sale at Penney's doesn't mean you gotta buy everything!
06x01 - The Kids Are Alright Season 6 / Episode 1: - The Kids Are Alright

Michael Kelso: Now, I'm going to drink my raw eggs.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, Michael, no.
Michael Kelso: No, Jackie, wait until I finish my eggs.
Jackie Burkhart: But Michael...
Michael Kelso: Jackie, whatever it is it can wait until I finish my eggs!
Jackie Burkhart: Fine!

Michael Kelso: There. Now, what is this that's so important that you had to tell me?
Jackie Burkhart: You're allergic to eggs.

Michael Kelso: Oh, yeah, I am.
Michael Kelso: [still laughing] I have to go to the hospital now.
06x01 - The Kids Are Alright Season 6 / Episode 1: - The Kids Are Alright

Jackie Burkhart: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Michael Kelso: No, you're almost fully grown.
Jackie Burkhart: Well... Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature, and that skank in the leather jacket is what? Cool? Well, I can be cool, people can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was totally realistic.

[Jackie's daydream: she and Donna enter the Hub. Jackie wears the same black tight outfit that Olivia Newton-John wore at "You're The One That I Want" song scene in the movie "Grease". The guys are playing the arcade machine. Eric, Kelso and Fez turn around]
Eric Forman: [bites his hand] Wow!
Michael Kelso: [shakes his hand] Yowza!
Fez: [smiles, rubbing his belly] Yummy!

Steven Hyde: Jackie?
Jackie Burkhart: Tell me about it, Steve.

Steven Hyde: [in John Travolta's voice] I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, for the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'...
Jackie Burkhart: [in Olivia Newton-John's voice] You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must me true...
Steven Hyde: [in John Travolta's voice] Nothin' left, nothin' left for me and you...
Jackie Burkhart, Steven Hyde: You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh. The one I need. Oh, yes, indeed...

Steven Hyde: [in his normal voice] Oh, Jackie, you're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back, 'cause we belong together like Bop-booba-loo-ba, sha-walla, sha-bang, sha-bang...

Michael Kelso: Ah! The whole gang is back together again.

Eric Forman: Yes, they did it!
Donna Pinciotti: This is so great for the whole...

05x24 - The Immigrant Song Season 5 / Episode 24: - The Immigrant Song

Michael Kelso: So, Hyde. I gave Jackie some jellybeans today.
Steven Hyde: Who cares?
Michael Kelso: Well, you should because they were pink, and that is the bean of love, and I got her that particular bean because I never stopped loving her.
Steven Hyde: [sarcastically] Well, you stopped long enough to cheat on her with Pam Macy, Laurie and Annette. Who else am I forgetting?
Michael Kelso: [laughs] Ho-ho-ho! There where many others, but you cheated on her with a nurse.
Steven Hyde: It was a misunderstanding that you caused. That's it, lets go!

Michael Kelso: Oh, okay, I hope you got that nurse's phone number cause your gonna need it when I'm done with ya!
Fez: Hey! Stop it! Stop it! You two need to grow up and start painting genitals on the water tower!
Michael Kelso: Fine! I'll be over here.
Steven Hyde: Fine! I'll be over here.

05x23 - Nobody's Fault But Mine Season 5 / Episode 23: - Nobody's Fault But Mine

Michael Kelso: Fine, Shotgun!
Steven Hyde: There's only 2 of us, you moron!
05x19 - Bring It On Home Season 5 / Episode 19: - Bring It On Home

Steven Hyde: This just in: Your weirdo boyfriend sleeps in the nude.
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah? So? I do too.
Michael Kelso: Oh yeah!
Fez: Oh, I can see it now. And it is glorious!

Fez: Excuse me.

05x19 - Bring It On Home Season 5 / Episode 19: - Bring It On Home

Michael Kelso: I have a question. If Hyde was in Hyde's bed and Jackie was in Hyde's bed, what exactly was going on in said bed?
Steven Hyde: Nothing. She needed a place to sleep.
Michael Kelso: Needed a place to sleep! Well, a bed is an interesting choice now, wouldn't you say?
05x19 - Bring It On Home Season 5 / Episode 19: - Bring It On Home

Fez: Oh, please! I'm a hot looking, smooth talking, frisky ass son of a bitch!
Eric: Hey Fez, right there! That's like, that's like a really weird thing to say.
Michael Kelso: Yea, I mean we're used to you but dude, you're weird!
05x19 - Bring It On Home Season 5 / Episode 19: - Bring It On Home

Fez: You know, I have been called many names since comin' to this country, but I have never been treated like that before.
Michael Kelso: You know Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin or your funny accent or that girly little way you run. But you know what? You're not alone. Why do you think the Martians won't land here? 'Cause they're green and they know people are gonna make fun of 'em.
Fez: You said it brother! I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Michael Kelso: Well that's Canada. Yup, good ole Canada. They don't make generalizations about people 'cause they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk and puttin' maple syrup on their ham.
Nina: [Nina enters] Fez, we need to talk.
Michael Kelso: Hey ! He might not be from this country, but he's beautiful damn it !
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it and there's nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks and I wanna get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: Except that. Thanks Kelso.

05x17 - The Battle of Evermore Season 5 / Episode 17: - The Battle of Evermore

Michael Kelso: You know Leo never liked phones. He said he could hear voices in 'em.
05x14 - Babe I'm Gonna Leave You Season 5 / Episode 14: - Babe I'm Gonna Leave You

Michael Kelso: How can she be with him when she's so clearly not over me?
Annette: I think the question is, how can you be with me when you're so clearly not over her?
Michael Kelso: Wait, is this a riddle? Start over.
05x12 - Misty Mountain Hop Season 5 / Episode 12: - Misty Mountain Hop

Fez: Boy, Jackie looks mad.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I cheated on her like a hundred times and she never looked that pissed.
05x10 - The Crunge Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Crunge

Michael Kelso: Pavlov was this scientist guy, you know, and every time this dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.
05x10 - The Crunge Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Crunge

Steven Hyde: Kelso, what the hell are you doing with a book?
Michael Kelso: Reading.

Michael Kelso: I am reading, 'cause what good is having brains if you got nothing up here?

Jackie Burkhart: Hey.

Jackie Burkhart: So, I saw my dad in prison today.
Steven Hyde: Oh. How was it?
Jackie Burkhart: Well, first it was a real downer, then I realized that I'll be okay without my dad. Because the S.A.T. proved that there's another man who could take care of me.
Steven Hyde: You better be talking about Santa Claus.
Jackie Burkhart: No, Steven, I'm talking about you, because you have potential.
Michael Kelso: He doesn't have potential. I have potential. Like, I'm reading Moby Dick, and I'm not even halfway through, and I can already tell you the ending: The whale is a robot.
05x06 - Over the Hills and Far Away Season 5 / Episode 6: - Over the Hills and Far Away

Kitty Forman: Do you have to breathe so much, it's like a sauna in here
Eric Forman: Alright, you heard the lady, no more breathing
Kitty Forman: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much, there's a difference
Fez: [ to Red] For crazy people
Reginald "Red" Forman: Hey Ali Baba, close sesame
Steven Hyde: Red you missed the exit
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh damn, Eric you're supposed to be watching the map, what are you doing?
Eric Forman: [He holds up the map which he folded into a crown] Making you a crown because you're king of the road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom
Steven Hyde: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael Kelso: First down, touchdown!
05x06 - Over the Hills and Far Away Season 5 / Episode 6: - Over the Hills and Far Away

Eric Forman: Mum seems to have cheered up
Reginald "Red" Forman: Don't be fooled, at any minute it can strike
Michael Kelso: Wait up!
Reginald "Red" Forman: What do you want?
Michael Kelso: The explanation is pinned to my lapel
Reginald "Red" Forman: [ opens the envelope] Dear Mr Forman, Mr Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to UW, here's 30 bucks so he can go with you, where's the thirty bucks?
Michael Kelso: I used it to pay for this electronic football game
Reginald "Red" Forman: I swear to God Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein
Eric Forman: Thank you Daddy
Michael Kelso: [to Eric] Thank you? Einstein was ugly
05x06 - Over the Hills and Far Away Season 5 / Episode 6: - Over the Hills and Far Away

Michael Kelso: This place is awesome, look they've even got dirty cartoons on the wall.
Steven Hyde: Kelso, those are CPR instructions.
Michael Kelso: I've done CPR a lot.
05x06 - Over the Hills and Far Away Season 5 / Episode 6: - Over the Hills and Far Away

Reginald "Red" Forman: What do you want?
Michael Kelso: Once again the explanation is pinned to my Lapel
Reginald "Red" Forman: [opens the envelope] Dear Mr and Mrs Forman, please give Michael 30 dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke, signed my parents

Reginald "Red" Forman: Well you made her laugh, that's worth 30 bucks
05x06 - Over the Hills and Far Away Season 5 / Episode 6: - Over the Hills and Far Away

Michael Kelso: [peeking into the girls bathroom] This is your CPR instructor, I'm gonna need to check your lung capacities.

Michael Kelso: That means their boobs.
05x06 - Over the Hills and Far Away Season 5 / Episode 6: - Over the Hills and Far Away

Eric Forman: [about UW] This place is great, I wish Donna were here.

Eric Forman: My God, will you look at that!
Michael Kelso: We just saw college butt.

Michael Kelso: On a girl.
05x05 - Ramble On Season 5 / Episode 5: - Ramble On

Michael Kelso: Man, that is one big bad-ass ring. Hey, maybe people will think that you won the Super Bowl.
Steven Hyde: Nah, nobody will believe that. But he could be the sick little boy that the whole team rallies around.
05x05 - Ramble On Season 5 / Episode 5: - Ramble On

Eric Forman: How can I lose a 25 pound ring?
Michael Kelso: I once lost a six foot rubber chili dog, I still haven't found it, it's just gone!
Eric Forman: Hyde this is all your fault, you told Jackie I didn't like the ring
Michael Kelso: Hyde stabbed you in the back, no, he wouldn't do a thing like that, like he didn't steal Jackie from me, oh, wait a minute!
Steven Hyde: [ To Eric] Look man I told her not to tell
Eric Forman: And I told you not to tell
Michael Kelso: [ To Hyde] You and Jackie are gossiping now, the more you go out, the more like each other, you become
Eric Forman: Who knows what you and your little girlfriend are going to be up to in a couple of months
Jackie Burkhart: [ Fantasy sequence] 2,4.6.8, who do we appreciate! Go team!
Steven Hyde: 2,4.6.8, who do we appreciate! Go team! Jackie I heard the best piece of gossip, Eric Forman doesn't have any school spirit
Jackie Burkhart: I'm telling everyone
Steven Hyde: Too late I already did
Steven Hyde: First of all Jackie's not my girlfriend and second of all I'm not the only one who spills stuff around here
Eric Forman: You're right, hey Kelso, Hyde watches Little House on the Prarie
Michael Kelso: [ laughs] Little house on the prarie?
Steven Hyde: It reminds me of a simpler time
05x05 - Ramble On Season 5 / Episode 5: - Ramble On

Michael Kelso: [ Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael Kelso: [ As Batman] Okay super pals I'm gonna need a status report
Steven Hyde: [ As a wonder twin, stops making out with Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe
Fez: [ As Aquaman] The oceans are secure but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate
Eric Forman: [ As Superman entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey guys
Michael Kelso: Oh no, you've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring
Donna Pinciotti: Actually its a gift
Steven Hyde: Form of worst gift ever [ Holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie Burkhart: [ As the other wonder twin] Shape up, I hope he kept the receipt
Eric Forman: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth, lets swing into action gang
Michael Kelso: Hold it, we're still on this ring
Steven Hyde: Are you sure its not an alien artifact?
Donna Pinciotti: I got it at the mall
Reginald "Red" Forman: Greetings dumbasses
Eric Forman: Oh, oh, its Dr Bald
Reginald "Red" Forman: My army of alien zombies is invading, good lord that is an ugly ring, alien zombies get a load of that ring
Eric Forman: That's it, this thing's coming off
Steven Hyde: Careful man, you drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation, we'll all go crashing into the sun
Michael Kelso: Yeah way to use science in a burn
05x04 - Heartbreaker Season 5 / Episode 4: - Heartbreaker

Michael Kelso: [laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie?

Michael Kelso: What the hell? He's dead! [He slams the beer can on the bench and starts pulling at the kitchen door unable to open it]
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso
Michael Kelso: They're getting away, what is wrong with this thing?
Eric Forman: It's against my better judgment but [flips the switch]
Michael Kelso: Thank you, now Hyde's really dead
Michael Kelso: [ He walks into the screen door] Well that's invisible!
05x04 - Heartbreaker Season 5 / Episode 4: - Heartbreaker

Eric Forman: Okay Donna we need to stabilize him, we're gonna need pudding and lots of it
Michael Kelso: [getting up] Who chooses a chick over a friend?
Eric Forman: What, come on, Kelso remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard because you wanted 10 extra minutes with Pam Macy?
Michael Kelso: I didn't steal Pam Macy from you and you could've played in the snow until we were done
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie wanted to get married and you bailed; now she doesn't want to marry you, that solves your problem albeit with a disturbing twist ending
Michael Kelso: I'm kicking Hyde's ass
Eric Forman: Kelso you couldn't open my kitchen door
05x04 - Heartbreaker Season 5 / Episode 4: - Heartbreaker

Michael Kelso: [He's wearing goggles] Get my eye now
Steven Hyde: [Hyde kicks him in the leg then Hyde's sitting on his back pinning him to the couch]
Michael Kelso: Get off me!
Steven Hyde: Not until you calm down
Fez: [after giving him a wet willy] Ah a wet one
Michael Kelso: Fez I'm going to get free eventually and then I'm going to kick your ass!
Steven Hyde: We need to settle this
Michael Kelso: I don't want to settle this, I don't want to talk about it, all I want to do is pound you until you feel as bad as I do!
Steven Hyde: [getting up] Fine, hit me, free shot
Michael Kelso: [getting up] Fine hit me, free shot
Steven Hyde: No man that's why they call it a free shot
Michael Kelso: [in a stance] Here it comes, its coming, get ready
Fez: We're ready fool, do it!
Michael Kelso: Forget it, its not going to change anything, just, forget it [ He sits down on the couch]
Steven Hyde: Look man I didn't plan this thing with me and Jackie, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry
Donna Pinciotti: [ same time] Awwww!
Fez: Awwww!
Steven Hyde: Get bent!
Michael Kelso: What are we going to do now?
Donna Pinciotti: [getting up] I'll tell you what you're going to do, you're going to shake and you're going to get over it
Michael Kelso: No
Donna Pinciotti: Shake
Michael Kelso: I don't want to
Donna Pinciotti: Shake!

Previous: Fez Next: Kitty Forman
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