Type
News/Talk Show
Premiered
Oct. 11, 1975
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
90 min.
Country
USA
Network
NBC TV Network
Genre

Top Contributors

Saturday Night Live tv show photo

Saturday Night Live

"Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Saturday Night Live is a sketch comedy show that has run since the fall of 1975. Many now-famous actors and actresses such as Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Jane Curtin, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Paul Shaffer, Eddie Murphy, Joe Piscopo, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Martin Short, Damon Wayans, Joan Cusack

29x12 - Drew Barrymore/Kelis Season 29 / Episode 12: - Drew Barrymore/Kelis

Donnatella Versace: If you were cat food, you'd be MEOW BITCH!


Donnatella Versace: Or fancy bitches.
29x12 - Drew Barrymore/Kelis Season 29 / Episode 12: - Drew Barrymore/Kelis

Donatella Versace: GET OUUUUUUUT!
29x10 - Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey/G-Unit with 50 Cent Season 29 / Episode 10: - Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey/G-Unit with 50 Cent

Jessica Simpson: We have a great show tonight with musical guests Gunit.
Nick Lachey: Uh, that's G-Unit, Jess, G-Unit.
Jessica Simpson: Oh, okay.
29x09 - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas Season 29 / Episode 9: - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas

Phone sex operator Jean: Are you my weiner man?
29x09 - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas Season 29 / Episode 9: - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas

Dana Jean Harley: [singing on the 'Country Roses' CD] When I told my husband to take the trash, I sure as hell didn't mean you. So pull up your panties and get out of the kitchen before you wake up my kids.
29x09 - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas Season 29 / Episode 9: - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas

Dana Jean Harley: [Ad for the 'Country Roses' CD] If I told you once, I told you Twenty-five Times, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY HUSBAND'S PENIS! I'M TALKIN' TO YOU, PAM SMIDLEY!
Announcer: And Pam Smidley.
Pam Smidley: [Petrified look on face] I'm runnin'; I'm runnin' from an angry woman, runnin' from Dana Jean Harley.
29x09 - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas Season 29 / Episode 9: - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas

Pregnant patient: [in the Appalachian Emergency Room] Ok, it was like this. We was bored so we hooked up this kid's big wheel to the back of my husband's truck. It was fun until we hit that first red light and then I went flying into the cab of the truck and landed on this toilet seat with a rubber ducky attached and now I got a big old stomachache.
ER attendant: Uh Huh; I think you're pregnant.
Pregnant patient: I can't be pregnant; I ain't had sex in nine months!
ER attendant: OK, Room six.
Pregnant patient: Oh and my husband says he would love some medical marijuana.
29x09 - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas Season 29 / Episode 9: - Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas

Tina Fey: Britney Spears has married Jason Alexander. In other news, Christina Aguilera 69'd Newman.
29x06 - Alec Baldwin/Missy Elliott Season 29 / Episode 6: - Alec Baldwin/Missy Elliott

Tina Fey: The long-closed 70th floor of our very own Rockefeller Center is being re-opened as an observation deck. I guess Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretely make love.
29x04 - Kelly Ripa/Outkast Season 29 / Episode 4: - Kelly Ripa/Outkast

Tina Fey: Britney Spears and John Cusack are rumored to be dating. Which goes really well 'cause Britney wants to start an acting career and John wants to bone Britney Spears.
29x02 - Justin Timberlake Season 29 / Episode 2: - Justin Timberlake

50 Cent: Whoa I'm not going in there, there's a vampire in my bathroom.


Ashton Kutcher: Whoa. 50 Cent you just got Punk'd! You didn't know you were going to kill somebody, and Dax didn't know he was going to get killed! Double Punk'd! I am so awesome!
29x02 - Justin Timberlake Season 29 / Episode 2: - Justin Timberlake

Nick Lachey: To be honest, she can't even cure a ham.
Jessica Simpson: Aww, is the ham sick?
29x02 - Justin Timberlake Season 29 / Episode 2: - Justin Timberlake

Tina Fey: The preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant's rape trial turned ugly on Thursday when Pamela Mackey, Bryant's lawyer, "accidentally" said his accuser's name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admonished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman's name five times, which is really bad, cause, what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the woman's name, is to put her at risk of further harassment. A lawyer like, Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm, Haddon, Morgan, Muller, George, Mackey and Foreman, which is probably in the 303 area code, should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name like Joe Smith or, I don't know, Pamela Mackey, and learn everything about them and call them and mess with them. So, be more careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, 'cause I heard a rumor that you're a little unstable and you like to give wabblejobs to homeless guys, and I want you to focus up and win this trial. I'm Pamela Mackey. Back to you, Pamela Mackey.
28x18 - Ashton Kutcher/50 Cent Season 28 / Episode 18: - Ashton Kutcher/50 Cent

Jimmy Fallon: The fifth Harry Potter book, which goes on sale in July, will have a record printing of 8.5 million copies. Which explains why the sixth book is being called: 'Harry Potter and the End of Trees'.
28x18 - Ashton Kutcher/50 Cent Season 28 / Episode 18: - Ashton Kutcher/50 Cent

Ashton Kutcher - Host: [Ashton Kutcher enters on stage, wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants. He is in only his underwear, and we hear his inner thoughts] Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?
28x18 - Ashton Kutcher/50 Cent Season 28 / Episode 18: - Ashton Kutcher/50 Cent

Various: How's about a... how's about a hug for Mama, huh?
Ashton Kutcher - Host: [begins to hug Maya, but thinks to himself] Oh, no! This is not good. No hugging the ladies in the tighty whities, abort, abort.
28x15 - Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera Season 28 / Episode 15: - Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera

Announcer: "Chicago" is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. "Chicago" is destined for Oscar gold. Or... is it?
Salma Hayek: Hello, I'm Salma Hayek. The movie "Chicago" is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let's look at the facts. "Chicago" is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies - for example, "Frida" - is 118 minutes long. What's the matter, "Chicago"? Couldn't you come up with five more minutes? And, here's what they won't tell you about "Chicago": a musical play with the exact same name and story... has been running on Broadway for years! I call that... plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don't vote for plaigerism; vote for "Frida".
Announcer: "Chicago"'s won plenty of stuff already. Vote "Frida". Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.
28x15 - Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera Season 28 / Episode 15: - Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera

Announcer: On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie "Chicago". In fact, Mohammed's apartment was littered with "Chicago" memorabilia.
Salma Hayek: Hi, I'm Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie "Chicago"?


Salma Hayek: No... I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie "Frida" does not support terrorism.
Announcer: Fight terrorism. Vote "Frida". Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek with a personal check.
28x15 - Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera Season 28 / Episode 15: - Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera

Announcer: Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie "Chicago". Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of "Chicago" find it necessary to respond. First of all: The movie "Chicago" does not support terrorism. Second: RenÈe Zellweger was born a woman and has always been a woman. Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist. That said, we'd like to extend our...


Salma Hayek: Don't let her fool you! Look very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can't win Best Actress! She's a dude! Don't believe the lies! Vote for "Frida"!
Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of "Chicago". That one part paid for by Salma Hayek with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.
28x14 - Queen Latifah/Ms. Dynamite Season 28 / Episode 14: - Queen Latifah/Ms. Dynamite

Bob Dole: Bill... you ignorant slut. Saddam Hussein is a boil that needs to be lanced, and we're gonna lance it! So why don't you and yourl little European pals just run along and have a garden party! Eat your sandwiches with the crust cut off, and watercress salad for dessert! Put on your tiny little swimsuits, frolick on the lawn! Throw a beach ball like a girl, explore the different aspects of your sexuality! And if you just step aside and let us - the British, the Spanish, and Australians - take care of business! While I've got you, here's another thing: Tell your Hillary to lay off my wife, Libby! She's a senator now! She doesn't have to take that kind of guff she's been getting from your old lady! Next time she comes home to in tears because Hillary's made some snide remark about her in the Senate cloakroom, or... she's rolling her eyes at my wife in a committee hearing, I'm gonna jump in my car, head over to the Capitol, and beat her like a rented mule! Don't think the Secret Service or Capitol police can protect her! 'Cause I know how to get the drop on her! I know every secret passageway, trap door and revolving bookcase in that building! Sooner or later, I'll get her alone! and, when I do, I'll kick her hippie behind like it's never been kicked! And by the way, I don't want to hear any more Viagra or Britney Spears jokes! I'm not ashamed of my commercial endorsements! I have a family to provide for, and... I didn't have the rich Hollywood friends buying me houses! The no-show job at Dreamworks! Or the $10 million advance on a book! Bob Dole doesn't have those things! Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that you've written one page of that book, Bill Clinton! You can't! Because you haven't written Word One! Because you are what you've always been: an indolent, borderline, sociopathic, hedonistic, sexual predator full of pointy-headed Oxford-bred socialism who would have us all dragged back to the era of Stalin, Mao, and Ho Chi Minh!
28x13 - Christopher Walken/Foo Fighters Season 28 / Episode 13: - Christopher Walken/Foo Fighters

Jimmy Fallon: Next week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, fatsos.
28x11 - Matthew McConaughey/Dixie Chicks Season 28 / Episode 11: - Matthew McConaughey/Dixie Chicks

Joseph Jackson: Ooh! One time... I mean, one time, I was sleeping on my own gold-plated La-Z-Boy chair, LaToya and Michael peeped over the headrest at me, and I thought for a minute I was being attacked by glow-in-the-dark vampire bats! I would like to say, I almost crapped my drawers!
28x08 - Al Gore/Phish Season 28 / Episode 8: - Al Gore/Phish

Jimmy Fallon: As a gesture of gratitude, Kirsten Dunst bought a house for her parents, and as a geasture of gratitude to my parents, I finally moved out of their house.
28x03 - John McCain/The White Stripes Season 28 / Episode 3: - John McCain/The White Stripes

Chris Matthews: Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?
John Ashcroft: We've got some real great stuff in the works. There's one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we've gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal.
Chris Matthews: [chuckling] Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious?
John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!
28x01 - Matt Damon/Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band Season 28 / Episode 1: - Matt Damon/Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

Ferecito: You know, when I first moved to this country, I was in third grade. And all the other kids in my school where white, Americanos. And I noticed, that when I went to the urinal to take a leak, my pene was bigger than all the other kids. So I went home to my grandmother, I say, "Abuelita. Why is my pene bigger than other kids? Because I'm Latino?" She said, "No. Because you're 23."
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Neil Diamond: Well, folks, it's the end of the line for ol' Neil Diamond. That's right, I'm retiring from showbiz. I got me a ranch house out in Sausalito, 25 acres, a couple of pigs, sex swing in the basement, this weird Vietnamese guy who just kind of hangs out - you know, the American Dream.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Tina Fey: San Francisco was rattled by a magnitude 5.2 earthquake Tuesday. One San Francisco man said the quake was so strong it shook the gay out of him.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Tina Fey: Oprah Winfrey has named her new $51 million estate 'Tara 2,' after Scarlett O'Hara's plantation in Gone With The Wind. Meanwhile, Sally Jessy Raphael has named her new estate Apartment 4B.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Tina Fey: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - Where Are The Babies? Why Haven't You Had A Baby? And, For God's Sake Have A Baby. Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need: another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up. According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right- I definitely should've had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool 12 grand a year. That woulda worked out great. But Sylvia's message is feminism can't change nature, which is true. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be all oiled up on the cover of Maxim. Ladies, there's no reason to panic though, it's out of your control anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s when the only fertility aid was Harvey's Bristol Cream. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And, I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle, it's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby - I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was not a cute kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls... and the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Sean Connery: Well, well, well. Two Trebeks. I feel like I'm in a Raisin Bran commercial: two scoops of fruit.

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