28x18 - Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera Season 28 / Episode 18: - Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera

Various: How's about a... how's about a hug for Mama, huh?
Himself - Host: [begins to hug Maya, but thinks to himself] Oh, no! This is not good. No hugging the ladies in the tighty whities, abort, abort.
28x15 - Jennifer Garner/Beck Season 28 / Episode 15: - Jennifer Garner/Beck

Announcer: "Chicago" is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. "Chicago" is destined for Oscar gold. Or... is it?
Salma Hayek: Hello, I'm Salma Hayek. The movie "Chicago" is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let's look at the facts. "Chicago" is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies - for example, "Frida" - is 118 minutes long. What's the matter, "Chicago"? Couldn't you come up with five more minutes? And, here's what they won't tell you about "Chicago": a musical play with the exact same name and story... has been running on Broadway for years! I call that... plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don't vote for plaigerism; vote for "Frida".
Announcer: "Chicago"'s won plenty of stuff already. Vote "Frida". Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.
28x15 - Jennifer Garner/Beck Season 28 / Episode 15: - Jennifer Garner/Beck

Announcer: On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie "Chicago". In fact, Mohammed's apartment was littered with "Chicago" memorabilia.
Salma Hayek: Hi, I'm Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie "Chicago"?


Salma Hayek: No... I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie "Frida" does not support terrorism.
Announcer: Fight terrorism. Vote "Frida". Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek with a personal check.
28x15 - Jennifer Garner/Beck Season 28 / Episode 15: - Jennifer Garner/Beck

Announcer: Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie "Chicago". Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of "Chicago" find it necessary to respond. First of all: The movie "Chicago" does not support terrorism. Second: RenÈe Zellweger was born a woman and has always been a woman. Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist. That said, we'd like to extend our...


Salma Hayek: Don't let her fool you! Look very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can't win Best Actress! She's a dude! Don't believe the lies! Vote for "Frida"!
Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of "Chicago". That one part paid for by Salma Hayek with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.
28x14 - Matthew McConaughey/Dixie Chicks Season 28 / Episode 14: - Matthew McConaughey/Dixie Chicks

Bob Dole: Bill... you ignorant slut. Saddam Hussein is a boil that needs to be lanced, and we're gonna lance it! So why don't you and yourl little European pals just run along and have a garden party! Eat your sandwiches with the crust cut off, and watercress salad for dessert! Put on your tiny little swimsuits, frolick on the lawn! Throw a beach ball like a girl, explore the different aspects of your sexuality! And if you just step aside and let us - the British, the Spanish, and Australians - take care of business! While I've got you, here's another thing: Tell your Hillary to lay off my wife, Libby! She's a senator now! She doesn't have to take that kind of guff she's been getting from your old lady! Next time she comes home to in tears because Hillary's made some snide remark about her in the Senate cloakroom, or... she's rolling her eyes at my wife in a committee hearing, I'm gonna jump in my car, head over to the Capitol, and beat her like a rented mule! Don't think the Secret Service or Capitol police can protect her! 'Cause I know how to get the drop on her! I know every secret passageway, trap door and revolving bookcase in that building! Sooner or later, I'll get her alone! and, when I do, I'll kick her hippie behind like it's never been kicked! And by the way, I don't want to hear any more Viagra or Britney Spears jokes! I'm not ashamed of my commercial endorsements! I have a family to provide for, and... I didn't have the rich Hollywood friends buying me houses! The no-show job at Dreamworks! Or the $10 million advance on a book! Bob Dole doesn't have those things! Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that you've written one page of that book, Bill Clinton! You can't! Because you haven't written Word One! Because you are what you've always been: an indolent, borderline, sociopathic, hedonistic, sexual predator full of pointy-headed Oxford-bred socialism who would have us all dragged back to the era of Stalin, Mao, and Ho Chi Minh!
28x13 - Ray Liotta/The Donnas Season 28 / Episode 13: - Ray Liotta/The Donnas

Jimmy Fallon: Next week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, fatsos.
28x11 - Jeff Gordon/Avril Lavigne Season 28 / Episode 11: - Jeff Gordon/Avril Lavigne

Joseph Jackson: Ooh! One time... I mean, one time, I was sleeping on my own gold-plated La-Z-Boy chair, LaToya and Michael peeped over the headrest at me, and I thought for a minute I was being attacked by glow-in-the-dark vampire bats! I would like to say, I almost crapped my drawers!
28x08 - Robert DeNiro/Norah Jones Season 28 / Episode 8: - Robert DeNiro/Norah Jones

Jimmy Fallon: As a gesture of gratitude, Kirsten Dunst bought a house for her parents, and as a geasture of gratitude to my parents, I finally moved out of their house.
28x03 - Sarah Michelle Gellar/Faith Hill Season 28 / Episode 3: - Sarah Michelle Gellar/Faith Hill

Chris Matthews: Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?
John Ashcroft: We've got some real great stuff in the works. There's one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we've gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal.
Chris Matthews: [chuckling] Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious?
John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Ferecito: You know, when I first moved to this country, I was in third grade. And all the other kids in my school where white, Americanos. And I noticed, that when I went to the urinal to take a leak, my pene was bigger than all the other kids. So I went home to my grandmother, I say, "Abuelita. Why is my pene bigger than other kids? Because I'm Latino?" She said, "No. Because you're 23."
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Neil Diamond: Well, folks, it's the end of the line for ol' Neil Diamond. That's right, I'm retiring from showbiz. I got me a ranch house out in Sausalito, 25 acres, a couple of pigs, sex swing in the basement, this weird Vietnamese guy who just kind of hangs out - you know, the American Dream.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Tina Fey: San Francisco was rattled by a magnitude 5.2 earthquake Tuesday. One San Francisco man said the quake was so strong it shook the gay out of him.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Tina Fey: Oprah Winfrey has named her new $51 million estate 'Tara 2,' after Scarlett O'Hara's plantation in Gone With The Wind. Meanwhile, Sally Jessy Raphael has named her new estate Apartment 4B.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Tina Fey: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - Where Are The Babies? Why Haven't You Had A Baby? And, For God's Sake Have A Baby. Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need: another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up. According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right- I definitely should've had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool 12 grand a year. That woulda worked out great. But Sylvia's message is feminism can't change nature, which is true. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be all oiled up on the cover of Maxim. Ladies, there's no reason to panic though, it's out of your control anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s when the only fertility aid was Harvey's Bristol Cream. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And, I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle, it's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby - I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was not a cute kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls... and the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Sean Connery: Well, well, well. Two Trebeks. I feel like I'm in a Raisin Bran commercial: two scoops of fruit.
27x20 - Winona Ryder/Moby Season 27 / Episode 20: - Winona Ryder/Moby

Alex Trebek: [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?
Alex Trebek: Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.
Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother.
27x19 - Kirsten Dunst/Eminem Season 27 / Episode 19: - Kirsten Dunst/Eminem

Carson Daly: Welcome to Last Call. I'm Carson Daly. I'm a massive tool.
27x19 - Kirsten Dunst/Eminem Season 27 / Episode 19: - Kirsten Dunst/Eminem

Kyle DeMarco: Eminem, quite frankly, I don't care where you melt. I don't care if you melt in my mouth, or you melt in my hands, 'cause today you get the rude award.
27x19 - Kirsten Dunst/Eminem Season 27 / Episode 19: - Kirsten Dunst/Eminem

Eminem: Yo, honestly, I don't know what you guys are celebrating about. You need to, like, call yourselves the fruit patrol and arrest yourselves for being fruitcakes.
27x14 - Jon Stewart/India.Arie Season 27 / Episode 14: - Jon Stewart/India.Arie

Jimmy Fallon: [on Weekend Update] Mike Myers has announced plan to star in a live action version of Dr. Seuss's The Cat in the Hat. Woody Allen immediately announced plans to star in a live action version of 'Hop on Pop'.
27x14 - Jon Stewart/India.Arie Season 27 / Episode 14: - Jon Stewart/India.Arie

Tina Fey: When Stevie Wonder attended the Presidential Honors awards last week, President Bush greeted him by waving at him across the room. Realizing his faux pas, Mr. Bush remarked to his wife, 'Gee, do you think he saw that?'
27x10 - Josh Hartnett/Pink Season 27 / Episode 10: - Josh Hartnett/Pink

Megan: Oh my God, Randy this is so awkward you walking on me and Zac like this. I think we should be adults about this and lay our cards on the table, I never meant to hurt you.
Zac: What are you talking about?
Megan: Oh nothing.
Randy Goldman: See you later man, Later Mandy.
Megan: Later Randy, my name's Megan.
27x10 - Josh Hartnett/Pink Season 27 / Episode 10: - Josh Hartnett/Pink

George Lucas: [regarding criticism to the Star Wars prequels] You know, if you don't like it, don't go see it. Guess what? I'm gonna be fine either way. I've got billions!
27x05 - Gwyneth Paltrow/Ryan Adams Season 27 / Episode 5: - Gwyneth Paltrow/Ryan Adams

Miss Polowski: Hey, what do you got there, hot dog buns? Yeah, I'm on to you, Sullivan. You're wet buns better have a weiner in them.
Sully: Tommy, please tell me you got that out there!
27x04 - John Goodman/Ja Rule Season 27 / Episode 4: - John Goodman/Ja Rule

Police Officer: Ma'am, static electricity is real. It's as real as toothpaste. You should learn about them both.
27x03 - Drew Barrymore/Macy Gray Season 27 / Episode 3: - Drew Barrymore/Macy Gray

Jimmy Fallon: It was revealed that Donald Trump has plans to buy a parachute in case he ever has to jump out of one of his buildings. Either that, or he plans to grab his comb over and Mary Poppins his way down past the 80th floor.
27x02 - Seann William Scott/Sum 41 Season 27 / Episode 2: - Seann William Scott/Sum 41

President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I'd like to address my remarks tonight to Mr. Osama bin Laden. Buddy, you screwed up big time. Guess what, Amigo. I'm coming to get you. I'm not alone, either. The American people are right behind me. You see, you made a big mistake. If you had any brains, you would have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or maybe a Beard-Off. You might have won that because I don't have a beard. And when I do, it comes in patchy. But no, you messed up. Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's punishing evil-doers. You don't believe me, there's over 200 guys in Texas you can ask. Well... you can't ask them right now, but you'll have a chance real soon. And I'm sorry I wasn't there to see your face when you went to the Kabul ATM to get some Quick-Cash. I bet it said "Insufficient Funds". That's right - we froze your assets. It probably ate your card, too. Make no mistake: we're coming for you, bin Laden. I'm gonna make you my own personal "Where's Waldo". And unlike those frustrating Waldo books, I'm gonna find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow. There might be special operatives outside your cave right now, who knows? Just remember, I'll see you real soon. Because you violated rule Numero Uno: You messed with Texas. That's right. Don't mess with Texas.
27x02 - Seann William Scott/Sum 41 Season 27 / Episode 2: - Seann William Scott/Sum 41

Tina Fey: In women's health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson's penis.
27x02 - Seann William Scott/Sum 41 Season 27 / Episode 2: - Seann William Scott/Sum 41

Antonio Banderas: I can't help but notice your short skirt barely concealing your friendly Wolf Blitzers.
27x02 - Seann William Scott/Sum 41 Season 27 / Episode 2: - Seann William Scott/Sum 41

Antonio Banderas: I think I just coughed up my nards. No, wait, it could be grapes. No, it is my nards.

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