Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 14, 1972
Status
Canceled/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
NBC TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 12 (Full List)

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Lamont Sanford Sanford and Son

Lamont Sanford

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  Played by:
Demond WilsonDemond Wilson
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Lamont Sanford Quotes

05x12 - Ebenezer Sanford Season 5 / Episode 12: - Ebenezer Sanford

Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] We'll travel on the clouds, above the stars in the sky.
Fred G. Sanford: Unh-uh, I ain't smokin' any of that stuff.
05x12 - Ebenezer Sanford Season 5 / Episode 12: - Ebenezer Sanford

Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] This is your future, Fred Sanford.
Fred G. Sanford: That's me? All alone, no son, no friends?
Lamont Sanford: And do you know why?
Fred G. Sanford: No deodorant?
05x09 - My Fair Esther Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Fair Esther

Fred G. Sanford: I'm cookin' my science-fiction special.
Lamont Sanford: What's a "science-fiction special"?
Fred G. Sanford: [Holding up a shriveled link on a fork] The Incredible Shrinking Sausage!
05x09 - My Fair Esther Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Fair Esther

Lamont Sanford: Pop, if I did what you're asking' me I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face.
Fred G. Sanford: You wouldn't be missin' nothin'.
05x05 - Steinberg and Son Season 5 / Episode 5: - Steinberg and Son

Bubba Bexley: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the mean grouchy old father.
Fred G. Sanford: Wait a minute...
Bubba Bexley: The Dumb son.
Lamont Sanford: Hey Bubba?
Bubba Bexley: The Ugly Sister-in-Law.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Watch it sucka!
Bubba Bexley: And the stupid bungling friend. [Looks at Grady]
Grady Wilson: [Sarcasticly] Your too hard on yourself Bubba!
05x05 - Steinberg and Son Season 5 / Episode 5: - Steinberg and Son

Fred G. Sanford: [Thinking up premises for new television series] And here's the topper. I mean, here's the one that's sure to sell. It's about a family of pioneer plumbers.
Lamont Sanford: I'm afraid to ask what it's called.
Fred G. Sanford: It's called, "Little Outhouses on the Prairie."
04x23 - The Older Woman Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman

Fred G. Sanford: What's that I smell?
Lamont Sanford: Oh, that's probably my new cologne you smell, Pop. It's called "Days in Paris."
Fred G. Sanford: Well, it smell like "Nights in El Segundo."
04x23 - The Older Woman Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman

Lamont Sanford: That's why you're you, and I'm me, and that's why I love you. [Kisses Fred on cheek]
Fred G. Sanford: [Wiping kiss off] I don't play that.
04x23 - The Older Woman Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman

Lamont Sanford: Look, have you decided on what you're gonna fix next Tuesday night for dinner?
Fred G. Sanford: Yes, I've decided. I'm gonna fix something new, something borrowed and something blue, because you're bringin' something old.
04x21 - The Headache Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Headache

Lamont Sanford: I've had this headache for two days, man!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, listen, son, maybe I can diagnose your case.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: I watch Dr. Woodfield on "Death Valley Hospital" all the time, and maybe I can help you.
Lamont Sanford: Well, go ahead. I'll try anything to get rid of this headache.
Fred G. Sanford: Alright, then, well, would you get up on the table, miss?
Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, you see, Dr. Woodfield is a gynecologist.
04x20 - My Brother-in-Law's Keeper Season 4 / Episode 20: - My Brother-in-Law's Keeper

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is sitting at the table stunned after learning his sister married a white man] Hey, Pop, you look frozen.
Fred G. Sanford: Sure I'm frozen. I just got hugged and kissed by Snow Whitey.
04x20 - My Brother-in-Law's Keeper Season 4 / Episode 20: - My Brother-in-Law's Keeper

Lamont Sanford: [Referring to the bottle of liquor Fred took with him when he entered the kitchen after being hugged by Rodney] Pop? Don't drink it, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: I'm not going to drink it. I'm gonna pour it over my body and strike a match to it.
04x19 - Golden Boy Season 4 / Episode 19: - Golden Boy

Lamont Sanford: [Chastising his father for getting taken in by a con man] Pop, how could you do any kind of business with Yerby, man? Anybody that goes door to door selling encyclopedias printed in crayon is deranged.
04x19 - Golden Boy Season 4 / Episode 19: - Golden Boy

Lamont Sanford: And for breakfast this bottomless pit [Junior] ate a dozen eggs, a half a pound of bacon, and a loaf of toast! And a half an hour later, I caught him looking fondly at Julio's goat!
04x15 - Once a Thief Season 4 / Episode 15: - Once a Thief

Grady Wilson: [Grady, Lamont and Herman stand in the living room. Grady asks Lamont] How come he went to prison?
Lamont Sanford: Because of circumstantial evidence! He just happened to be at the scene of a crime.
Grady Wilson: [Turning to Herman] Oh, you "just happened to be at the scene of a crime"? What were you doing there?
Herman: Committing it.
04x15 - Once a Thief Season 4 / Episode 15: - Once a Thief

Lamont Sanford: [Defending Herman to Grady] He's not a "jailbird." He's got a name.
Grady Wilson: Oh, yeah? Spell it for me - number by number.
04x13 - A Little Extra Security Season 4 / Episode 13: - A Little Extra Security

Lamont Sanford: Where have you been the last 24 hours?
Grady Wilson: Oh, me and Otis, we did the *town* man!
Lamont Sanford: You guys did the town?
Grady Wilson: That's right!
Lamont Sanford: What could you possibly do in this town that could keep you out for 24 hours?
Grady Wilson: Nothing.
Lamont Sanford: But you just said...
Grady Wilson: [Cutting him off] I said we did the town. I didn't say this was the town we did.
Lamont Sanford: What town did you do?
Grady Wilson: Las Vegas, Nee-vada!
04x12 - Tower Power Season 4 / Episode 12: - Tower Power

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is building his tower] When I get back here tonight I expect this thing to be finished.
Fred G. Sanford: Finished? Son, you cannot put a time limit on creativity. Did Mrs. Bell say, "Hurry up, man, and invent the telephone; I gotta call my mother"? Did Mrs. Edison say, "Hurry up, man, will you get that light bulb fixed, 'cause it's getting dark in here"?
04x12 - Tower Power Season 4 / Episode 12: - Tower Power

Lamont Sanford: [Beholding Fred's tower] This is an ugly mess that you made here, man.
Fred G. Sanford: You don't know nothin' about judgin' art. You the only one in kindergarten that flunked Clay.
04x11 - Fred's Treasure Garden Season 4 / Episode 11: - Fred's Treasure Garden

Lamont Sanford: [Thinking of what to do with the marijuana plants] We gotta think of some way to get rid of that stuff.
Rollo Larson: Hey, don't worry, baby! I'll do it.
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute! I know - I'll burn it!
Rollo Larson: That's exactly what I had in mind!
04x11 - Fred's Treasure Garden Season 4 / Episode 11: - Fred's Treasure Garden

Grady Wilson: [Perturbed at being pestered by Lamont while serving seconds of his salad] You wouldn't disturb the Wright Brothers when they were trying to fly?
Lamont Sanford: That's exactly what I want to talk to you about!
04x11 - Fred's Treasure Garden Season 4 / Episode 11: - Fred's Treasure Garden

Lamont Sanford: [Lamont and Grady in the kitchen. Lamont explaining why the policemen can't stop eating so much of Grady's salad] Now just about everybody knows that one of the main side effects of using marijuana is the hungries or the munchies.
Grady Wilson: Weren't they in "The Wizard of Oz"?
Lamont Sanford: That was the Munchkins!
Grady Wilson: Oooh, yeah. Didn't you just love that picture?
Lamont Sanford: Grady, would you knock it off? This is no time for that.
Grady Wilson: There was Dorothy and Toto and the Wicked Witch of the Watts.
Lamont Sanford: Of the West, Grady!
04x08 - My Kingdom For a Horse (a.k.a.) First Night Out Season 4 / Episode 8: - My Kingdom For a Horse (a.k.a.) First Night Out

Lamont Sanford: [Demanding an explanation for the horse in the kitchen] Pop, I want an answer!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, that's simple.
Lamont Sanford: I don't want a lie.
Fred G. Sanford: That makes it harder.
04x08 - My Kingdom For a Horse (a.k.a.) First Night Out Season 4 / Episode 8: - My Kingdom For a Horse (a.k.a.) First Night Out

Lamont Sanford: You put my blanket on a horse?
Fred G. Sanford: You can get it back tonight.
Lamont Sanford: Well, what about the smell?
Fred G. Sanford: He didn't seem to mind it.
04x06 - Going Out of Business Season 4 / Episode 6: - Going Out of Business

Lamont Sanford: [after Fred tells Lamont how he's going to make big money by writing his autobiography] You mean to tell me you think people are gonna pay their hard-earned cash to read about "The Memoirs of Fred Sanford"?
Fred G. Sanford: I'm not gonna call it that. I've got some tricky names that I'm gonna put in there. Wanna hear 'em?
Lamont Sanford: No.
Fred G. Sanford: How about, uh, "The Junkcorcist"?
Lamont Sanford: Good night, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: [shouting after Lamont, who has left the kitchen] I know what I'll call it. I'll name it after you - "The Day of the Jackass"!
04x05 - There'll Be Some Changes Made Season 4 / Episode 5: - There'll Be Some Changes Made

Lamont Sanford: [Trying to convince Fred of his stubbornness] When's the last time you gave in to somebody?
Fred G. Sanford: 1942. I gave in to your mother. And that was a big mistake.
Lamont Sanford: Why? What happened?
Fred G. Sanford: You. You see, Lamont is French for "big mistake."
04x05 - There'll Be Some Changes Made Season 4 / Episode 5: - There'll Be Some Changes Made

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred after he's insulted their Chinese neighbor Ah Chew] What's the matter with you? Ah Chew is our neighbor. Well, you know what it says in the Bible: "Love thy neighbour."
Fred G. Sanford: Well, the guy who wrote the Bible didn't live in this neighborhood. If he had, he'd have said, "Love thy neighbour, but locketh thy windows." [turning to Ah Chew] Now shove that in your fortune cookie, Choo-Choo!
04x04 - Grady and His Lady Season 4 / Episode 4: - Grady and His Lady

Lamont Sanford: You know, if Grady gets married, he's going to make you the best man, and you know what that means, right?
Fred G. Sanford: What?
Lamont Sanford: You'll be the first to kiss the bride.
Fred G. Sanford: [Cringes, then] I'd rather kiss Mighty Joe Young's armpits!
04x01 - The Surprise Party Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Surprise Party

Fred G. Sanford: Hey, Lamont, I almost forgot about you. I got you a quadriphonic stereo!
Lamont Sanford: Hey, all right! [Hands him the headsets used on the airplane] Hey man, you need an airplane for these things to work.
Fred G. Sanford: No, you don't. Put them on. [Lamont does, then Fred starts singing the Ink Spots into the other end] And would I be sure...
Lamont Sanford: [Yanks the headsets off, then pulls the other end out of Fred's hand and he stops singing] What kind of gift is this to give your son?
Aunt Esther Anderson: Yup, that's him. [sounding like a bird] Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!
Fred G. Sanford: [Smiling] Hey listen to that? The sound of a chicken coming from a buzzard.
Aunt Esther Anderson: That's does it. [Jumps up to attack Fred with her purse, and they all scrimmage to keep them apart]
03x22 - Aunt Esther and Uncle Woodrow Pffttt . . . Season 3 / Episode 22: - Aunt Esther and Uncle Woodrow Pffttt . . .

Grady Wilson: [Calling from the kitchen] Hey Lamont, who's here?
Lamont Sanford: [Yelling back] Uncle Woodrow is here!
Grady Wilson: Who'd you say?
Lamont Sanford: [Yelling louder] Uncle Woodrow!
Grady Wilson: [Coming into the living room] That's what I thought you said. [Turns over to the bar and starts putting the liquor bottles away]
Lamont Sanford: What are you doing?
Grady Wilson: Your father left me in charge, and he told me if your Uncle Woodrow was to come over, that I was to hide the booze from Woody the Wino.

Previous: Fred G. Sanford Next: Aunt Esther Anderson
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