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Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 14, 1972
Status
Canceled/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
NBC TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 12 (Full List)

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Lamont Sanford Sanford and Son

Lamont Sanford

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  Played by:
Demond WilsonDemond Wilson
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Lamont Sanford Quotes

05x12 - Ebenezer Sanford Season 5 / Episode 12: - Ebenezer Sanford

Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] This is your future, Fred Sanford.
Fred G. Sanford: That's me? All alone, no son, no friends?
Lamont Sanford: And do you know why?
Fred G. Sanford: No deodorant?
05x09 - My Fair Esther Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Fair Esther

Fred G. Sanford: I'm cookin' my science-fiction special.
Lamont Sanford: What's a "science-fiction special"?
Fred G. Sanford: [Holding up a shriveled link on a fork] The Incredible Shrinking Sausage!
05x09 - My Fair Esther Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Fair Esther

Lamont Sanford: Pop, if I did what you're asking' me I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face.
Fred G. Sanford: You wouldn't be missin' nothin'.
05x05 - Steinberg and Son Season 5 / Episode 5: - Steinberg and Son

Bubba Bexley: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the mean grouchy old father.
Fred G. Sanford: Wait a minute...
Bubba Bexley: The Dumb son.
Lamont Sanford: Hey Bubba?
Bubba Bexley: The Ugly Sister-in-Law.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Watch it sucka!
Bubba Bexley: And the stupid bungling friend. [Looks at Grady]
Grady Wilson: [Sarcasticly] Your too hard on yourself Bubba!
05x05 - Steinberg and Son Season 5 / Episode 5: - Steinberg and Son

Fred G. Sanford: [Thinking up premises for new television series] And here's the topper. I mean, here's the one that's sure to sell. It's about a family of pioneer plumbers.
Lamont Sanford: I'm afraid to ask what it's called.
Fred G. Sanford: It's called, "Little Outhouses on the Prairie."
04x23 - The Older Woman Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman

Fred G. Sanford: What's that I smell?
Lamont Sanford: Oh, that's probably my new cologne you smell, Pop. It's called "Days in Paris."
Fred G. Sanford: Well, it smell like "Nights in El Segundo."
04x23 - The Older Woman Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman

Lamont Sanford: That's why you're you, and I'm me, and that's why I love you. [Kisses Fred on cheek]
Fred G. Sanford: [Wiping kiss off] I don't play that.
04x23 - The Older Woman Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman

Lamont Sanford: Look, have you decided on what you're gonna fix next Tuesday night for dinner?
Fred G. Sanford: Yes, I've decided. I'm gonna fix something new, something borrowed and something blue, because you're bringin' something old.
04x21 - The Headache Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Headache

Lamont Sanford: I've had this headache for two days, man!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, listen, son, maybe I can diagnose your case.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: I watch Dr. Woodfield on "Death Valley Hospital" all the time, and maybe I can help you.
Lamont Sanford: Well, go ahead. I'll try anything to get rid of this headache.
Fred G. Sanford: Alright, then, well, would you get up on the table, miss?
Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, you see, Dr. Woodfield is a gynecologist.
04x20 - My Brother-in-Law's Keeper Season 4 / Episode 20: - My Brother-in-Law's Keeper

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is sitting at the table stunned after learning his sister married a white man] Hey, Pop, you look frozen.
Fred G. Sanford: Sure I'm frozen. I just got hugged and kissed by Snow Whitey.
04x19 - Golden Boy Season 4 / Episode 19: - Golden Boy

Lamont Sanford: [Chastising his father for getting taken in by a con man] Pop, how could you do any kind of business with Yerby, man? Anybody that goes door to door selling encyclopedias printed in crayon is deranged.
04x15 - Once a Thief Season 4 / Episode 15: - Once a Thief

Grady Wilson: [Grady, Lamont and Herman stand in the living room. Grady asks Lamont] How come he went to prison?
Lamont Sanford: Because of circumstantial evidence! He just happened to be at the scene of a crime.
Grady Wilson: [Turning to Herman] Oh, you "just happened to be at the scene of a crime"? What were you doing there?
Herman: Committing it.
04x15 - Once a Thief Season 4 / Episode 15: - Once a Thief

Lamont Sanford: [Defending Herman to Grady] He's not a "jailbird." He's got a name.
Grady Wilson: Oh, yeah? Spell it for me - number by number.
04x12 - Tower Power Season 4 / Episode 12: - Tower Power

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is building his tower] When I get back here tonight I expect this thing to be finished.
Fred G. Sanford: Finished? Son, you cannot put a time limit on creativity. Did Mrs. Bell say, "Hurry up, man, and invent the telephone; I gotta call my mother"? Did Mrs. Edison say, "Hurry up, man, will you get that light bulb fixed, 'cause it's getting dark in here"?
04x12 - Tower Power Season 4 / Episode 12: - Tower Power

Lamont Sanford: [Beholding Fred's tower] This is an ugly mess that you made here, man.
Fred G. Sanford: You don't know nothin' about judgin' art. You the only one in kindergarten that flunked Clay.
04x11 - Fred's Treasure Garden Season 4 / Episode 11: - Fred's Treasure Garden

Lamont Sanford: [Thinking of what to do with the marijuana plants] We gotta think of some way to get rid of that stuff.
Rollo Larson: Hey, don't worry, baby! I'll do it.
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute! I know - I'll burn it!
Rollo Larson: That's exactly what I had in mind!
04x11 - Fred's Treasure Garden Season 4 / Episode 11: - Fred's Treasure Garden

Grady Wilson: [Perturbed at being pestered by Lamont while serving seconds of his salad] You wouldn't disturb the Wright Brothers when they were trying to fly?
Lamont Sanford: That's exactly what I want to talk to you about!
04x11 - Fred's Treasure Garden Season 4 / Episode 11: - Fred's Treasure Garden

Lamont Sanford: [Lamont and Grady in the kitchen. Lamont explaining why the policemen can't stop eating so much of Grady's salad] Now just about everybody knows that one of the main side effects of using marijuana is the hungries or the munchies.
Grady Wilson: Weren't they in "The Wizard of Oz"?
Lamont Sanford: That was the Munchkins!
Grady Wilson: Oooh, yeah. Didn't you just love that picture?
Lamont Sanford: Grady, would you knock it off? This is no time for that.
Grady Wilson: There was Dorothy and Toto and the Wicked Witch of the Watts.
Lamont Sanford: Of the West, Grady!
04x08 - My Kingdom For a Horse (a.k.a.) First Night Out Season 4 / Episode 8: - My Kingdom For a Horse (a.k.a.) First Night Out

Lamont Sanford: [Demanding an explanation for the horse in the kitchen] Pop, I want an answer!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, that's simple.
Lamont Sanford: I don't want a lie.
Fred G. Sanford: That makes it harder.
04x08 - My Kingdom For a Horse (a.k.a.) First Night Out Season 4 / Episode 8: - My Kingdom For a Horse (a.k.a.) First Night Out

Lamont Sanford: You put my blanket on a horse?
Fred G. Sanford: You can get it back tonight.
Lamont Sanford: Well, what about the smell?
Fred G. Sanford: He didn't seem to mind it.
04x06 - Going Out of Business Season 4 / Episode 6: - Going Out of Business

Lamont Sanford: [after Fred tells Lamont how he's going to make big money by writing his autobiography] You mean to tell me you think people are gonna pay their hard-earned cash to read about "The Memoirs of Fred Sanford"?
Fred G. Sanford: I'm not gonna call it that. I've got some tricky names that I'm gonna put in there. Wanna hear 'em?
Lamont Sanford: No.
Fred G. Sanford: How about, uh, "The Junkcorcist"?
Lamont Sanford: Good night, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: [shouting after Lamont, who has left the kitchen] I know what I'll call it. I'll name it after you - "The Day of the Jackass"!
04x05 - There'll Be Some Changes Made Season 4 / Episode 5: - There'll Be Some Changes Made

Lamont Sanford: [Trying to convince Fred of his stubbornness] When's the last time you gave in to somebody?
Fred G. Sanford: 1942. I gave in to your mother. And that was a big mistake.
Lamont Sanford: Why? What happened?
Fred G. Sanford: You. You see, Lamont is French for "big mistake."
04x05 - There'll Be Some Changes Made Season 4 / Episode 5: - There'll Be Some Changes Made

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred after he's insulted their Chinese neighbor Ah Chew] What's the matter with you? Ah Chew is our neighbor. Well, you know what it says in the Bible: "Love thy neighbour."
Fred G. Sanford: Well, the guy who wrote the Bible didn't live in this neighborhood. If he had, he'd have said, "Love thy neighbour, but locketh thy windows." [turning to Ah Chew] Now shove that in your fortune cookie, Choo-Choo!
03x18 - The Party Crasher Season 3 / Episode 18: - The Party Crasher

Lamont Sanford: [Opens the door for Rollo, who is wearing a snazzy suit] Hey, Rollo! I see you got yourself a few new threads.
Rollo Larson: No, baby, this is the whole spool!
03x17 - Fred's Cheating Heart Season 3 / Episode 17: - Fred's Cheating Heart

Lamont Sanford: [Telling his father of his plans to marry Julio's sister] But look on the bright side of it, Pop. When we have our first son we'll name him after you. We'll call him Fredrico! Litte Fredrico Manuel Fuentes Sanford!
Fred G. Sanford: [Staggering, hand over his heart] Oh, no! This is the biggest one I ever had! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join ya, honey... with an invitation to a Puerto Rican wedding!
03x14 - Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe Season 3 / Episode 14: - Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe

Lamont Sanford: [after Grip has claimed to be Lamont's father, Lamont turns to Fred] Hey, man, this is my father, the only Pop I've ever known. Now, all my life it's been Sanford and Son, and, as far as I'm concerned, that's the way it's gonna always be.
03x13 - Wine, Women and Aunt Esther (a.k.a.) Leaving the Nest Season 3 / Episode 13: - Wine, Women and Aunt Esther (a.k.a.) Leaving the Nest

Fred G. Sanford: [Discussing his new outlook on life] Fun, fun, fun, son. Bring on the wine, women and the song.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, at your age you can't afford to do that.
Fred G. Sanford: Why not?
Lamont Sanford: Because if you have too much wine and women, the song is gonna be "Nearer My God To Thee."
03x13 - Wine, Women and Aunt Esther (a.k.a.) Leaving the Nest Season 3 / Episode 13: - Wine, Women and Aunt Esther (a.k.a.) Leaving the Nest

Lamont Sanford: [Looking incredulously at his father's loud outfit] What have you got on?
Fred G. Sanford: It's a Super Fly suit. What's it look like?
Lamont Sanford: It looks like you got on a floral arrangement from Junior Cooper's funeral.
03x12 - Grady, the Star Boarder Season 3 / Episode 12: - Grady, the Star Boarder

Lamont Sanford: [In response to Fred's planning a romantic getaway with Donna to Disneyland] Yeah, but I'd like to know what's so romantic about Disneyland?
Fred G. Sanford: Disneyland Motel.
Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man, you know that?
Fred G. Sanford: And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.
03x12 - Grady, the Star Boarder Season 3 / Episode 12: - Grady, the Star Boarder

Fred G. Sanford: [Fred reading a recipe from the newspaper's food section] Here it is right here. It says, "Tempt your guests with this delicious, appetizing horse diver."
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute, let me see that. That's not "horse diver." It's French. That's horz dee ovary.

Previous: Fred G. Sanford Next: Aunt Esther Anderson
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