05x26 - The 'V' Story Season 5 / Episode 26: - The 'V' Story

Michael Kyle: Why don't you just get your tubes tied?
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Because that is major surgery, this is just a little snip snip.
Michael Kyle: There is no such thing as a little snip snip, that's like a little chop chop or a little stab stab, or a little kick kick to the groin.
05x26 - The 'V' Story Season 5 / Episode 26: - The 'V' Story

Michael Kyle: [last lines, Michael didn't go through with the vasectomy and insisted Jay get her tubes tied, Jay comes out of the doctor's office] I've changed my mind, I don't want you going through this procedure. It'll be easier for me to just have the vasectomy.
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: It doesn't matter anymore.
Michael Kyle: Why not?
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Because I'm pregnant.
05x12 - They Call Me El Foosay Season 5 / Episode 12: - They Call Me El Foosay

Michael Kyle: Booyashaka!
05x12 - They Call Me El Foosay Season 5 / Episode 12: - They Call Me El Foosay

Michael Kyle: Hey Tony, what does a ghost say?
Tony Jeffers: Boo.
Michael Kyle: Yashaka!
04x25 - The Director Season 4 / Episode 25: - The Director

Michael Kyle: [after being busted for erasing Kady's first steps on tape, Michael pretends to cry in order to get Jay to soften up on him] This is what happened; I was watching the game and LeBron James had 35 points at the half and I recorded it... I didn't mean to! I've been guilty ever since! I can't eat, I can't sleep... I've been blacking out!
Michael Kyle Jr.: Hey! What happened to all that "Never cry in front of your woman" stuff?
Michael Kyle: [Still pretend sobbing] Do you want me to Black *You* Out?
Michael Kyle Jr.: No.
Michael Kyle: Then Support me!
04x14 - Moving on Out Season 4 / Episode 14: - Moving on Out

Michael Kyle: Junior, we provide a roof over your head, food on your plate, and clothes on your back, and yet you wanna sit around complaining. If that's not good enough for you, hey so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, kick rocks, and get the hell out!
04x14 - Moving on Out Season 4 / Episode 14: - Moving on Out

Michael Kyle: Junior, we provide a roof over your head, food on your plate, and clothes on your back, and yet you wanna sit around complaining. If that's not good enough for you hey so long sucker, see ya, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, kick rocks, and get the hell out.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Well since you put it that way, I will. It's time for me to leave the nest, spread my wings, and fly.
Michael Kyle: Yeah, well, it's going to have to flap real hard to get that big dodo egg head off the ground.
04x14 - Moving on Out Season 4 / Episode 14: - Moving on Out

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: You did what?
Michael Kyle: Actually, I didn't do anything. He said he wanted to leave, so I said goodbye.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: No, no, no, I know you better than that, Michael. You didn't just say fine, did you?
Michael Kyle: Well, actually I said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, kick rocks, and get the hell out," like that.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Do you mean to tell me that you told MY SON "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, and get the hell out" - to MY BABY.
Michael Kyle: No, actually I said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, KICK ROCKS, [pauses] and get the hell out. You forgot the "kick rocks." That's really important.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Michael, How did he react when you said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, KICK ROCKS, and get the hell out?"
Michael Kyle: Actually, you left out the "hasta la vista"...
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Oh, Michael. Don't say it, again.


Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: I'm on edge, I swear.
04x04 - Jay Goes to School Season 4 / Episode 4: - Jay Goes to School

Michael Kyle: [Jay is earning a Master's Degree in Psychology, but when practicing on family, Micheal wants her to quit] Well, maybe you should get a master's degree in *sex*, that way I'll be behind you all the way!
03x25 - Not So Hostile Takeover Season 3 / Episode 25: - Not So Hostile Takeover

Michael Kyle: Claire,I don't want to go to the prom by yourself. Don't you know what it stands for?
Claire Kyle #2: No.
Michael Kyle: Penes Rubbing Against My Daughter.
03x25 - Not So Hostile Takeover Season 3 / Episode 25: - Not So Hostile Takeover

Michael Kyle: Claire is not going to that prom!
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Yes, she is!
Michael Kyle: No, she isn't!
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Yes, she is!
Michael Kyle: No, she isn't!
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: No, she isn't!
Michael Kyle: Yes, she is and that's final!
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Thank you!
Michael Kyle: Hey, wait a minute, you Bugs Bunny'd me!
03x15 - Blackout Season 3 / Episode 15: - Blackout

Michael Kyle: The price of nudity sure has gone up.
Michael Kyle Jr.: I know that's right, that lock just cost me $20.
Michael Kyle: Yeah well that's $20 out the window, that lock's going to come off, it's a fire hazard.
Michael Kyle Jr.: No it's not, Dad, it's metal, it won't burn.
Michael Kyle: That's not what I mean. If there's a fire in the house and you're locked in here, you'll... you know what? Keep the lock on.
03x15 - Blackout Season 3 / Episode 15: - Blackout

Michael Kyle: Kady is 7 years old and she's still acting 3. It's not cute anymore.
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: I know, it was cute when she was younger and like a puppy, now she's not like a puppy anymore, she's somewhere between a puppy and a dog, I don't know what you call it.
Michael Kyle: Rudy. Remember on the Cosby Show, Rudy was so cute and little one day and then the next thing she's grown up and looking... like Bill Cosby.
03x15 - Blackout Season 3 / Episode 15: - Blackout

Michael Kyle: [Junior says he's going shopping] You mean looting?
Michael Kyle Jr.: I prefer to think of it as a blackout sale.
03x14 - Michael's Tribe Season 3 / Episode 14: - Michael's Tribe

Michael Kyle: [to Claire] Right now I am scared to death, you were trying to sneak out of this house at midnight with Tony as your protection. He can't even defend himself against the 3 Little Indians.
03x14 - Michael's Tribe Season 3 / Episode 14: - Michael's Tribe

Claire Kyle: If I had asked to go to the party, you would've just said no.
Michael Kyle: How do you know?
Claire Kyle: Would you have let me go?
Michael Kyle: Hell no, see? That's not no. Now why do you think I would've said no?
Claire Kyle: Because it's an unsupervised party after midnight with boys and alcohol and probably drugs and sex, but I just wanted to listen to some music.
Michael Kyle: Then you should've just stayed up in your room and listened to my Motown albums.
03x14 - Michael's Tribe Season 3 / Episode 14: - Michael's Tribe

Claire Kyle: So what's my punishment?
Michael Kyle: Your punishment is living with the fact that I have never been as disappointed in you as I am now. [walks away]
Claire Kyle: Dad... can I have a smaller punishment? I can't handle that kind of guilt.
03x14 - Michael's Tribe Season 3 / Episode 14: - Michael's Tribe

Claire Kyle: I knew you wouldn't have let me go to the party.
Michael Kyle: And why do you think that is?
Claire Kyle: I don't know.
Michael Kyle: Claire, do you watch the news? Do you read the papers?
Claire Kyle: No.
Michael Kyle: Well if you did, you would know there are psychos out there.
03x12 - Chair Man of the Board Season 3 / Episode 12: - Chair Man of the Board

Michael Kyle, Jr.: Mom, I broke my hand!
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Well go upstairs, put lotion on it, and rub it.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Oh boy, I actually get permission!
Michael Kyle: She meant your hand boy!
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Oh...
03x09 - Sister Story Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sister Story

Michael Kyle, Jr.: [Junior's aunt has brought him a present]
Michael Kyle, Jr.: [looks at it] Toilet water!
Kelly Kyle: No, it's eau de toilette. It's a very expensive French cologne.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Oh, French! Gracias!
03x07 - Crouching Mother, Hidden Father Season 3 / Episode 7: - Crouching Mother, Hidden Father

Kady: Don't forget to put the peanut in the peanut hole.
02x27 - Jr. Gets His License Season 2 / Episode 27: - Jr. Gets His License

Kady: Ooh, That looks like the car from Chitty Chity Bang Bang.
Michael Kyle: Yeah, If you're Spelling Chitty with an "S".
02x26 - The Bowling Show Season 2 / Episode 26: - The Bowling Show

Michael Kyle: Only an idiot would wanna be here tonight.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: I'm so glad we came here, and on alien night too! It's amazing!
02x26 - The Bowling Show Season 2 / Episode 26: - The Bowling Show

Dr. Tyler: I'm your private dancer!
02x20 - Papa Said Knock You Out Season 2 / Episode 20: - Papa Said Knock You Out

Michael Kyle Jr.: For once, I'm not the dumbest guy in the room.
Tony Jeffers: Yes, You are!
Michael Kyle Jr.: You just proved me right; It's "Yes, You is!"
Michael Kyle: I think you should quit while you're behind, son.
Michael Kyle Jr.: I'll Just do that!
02x20 - Papa Said Knock You Out Season 2 / Episode 20: - Papa Said Knock You Out

Michael Kyle: This isn't funny Jay, what am i supposed to tell them at work?
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Tell 'em the truth, tell them your son *knocked* you out!
Michael Kyle: I'd rather say you did it
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Oh, that's even better, see i had to lay down the law, he didn't respect his woman, when i say i want my diamonds, i want my diamonds now!
02x20 - Papa Said Knock You Out Season 2 / Episode 20: - Papa Said Knock You Out

Michael Kyle: [about Tony] What is it with this kid? he's like a religious Eddie Haskell.
02x20 - Papa Said Knock You Out Season 2 / Episode 20: - Papa Said Knock You Out

Claire Kyle: Why don't you get your own boyfriend, and lay off mine?
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Maybe I will!
02x19 - Failure to Communicate Season 2 / Episode 19: - Failure to Communicate

Michael Kyle: Junior, sex is a lot different than you probably imagine it.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Oh yeah, how?
Michael Kyle: Well, for one, there's another person in the room.
02x15 - Road Trip Season 2 / Episode 15: - Road Trip

Michael Kyle: [after Jr. rolls over the hood] Hey, you roll over this car one more time, the car gonna roll over *you*.

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