Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 17, 1972
Status
Canceled/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

Top Contributors

M*A*S*H tv show photo

M*A*S*H

Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, a U S Army medical unit serving as a hospital in a combat area of operations. M*A*S*H was a true ensemble series. "The Pittsburgh Steelers' victory over the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl was watched in an average of 45.85 million homes, the second highest total in television history behind only the last Mash Ep.

06x10 - The M*A*S*H Olympics Season 6 / Episode 10: - The M*A*S*H Olympics

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: So your gonna eat you way to a discharge?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I call it food for freedom.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I call it suicide by salami.
06x10 - The M*A*S*H Olympics Season 6 / Episode 10: - The M*A*S*H Olympics

Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: [getting into their Jeep] It's only a race.
Major Margaret Houlihan: A race? A race? That wasn't just a race, that was the olympics!
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Fine, you can stay here if you want, I'm going to Milan. [tries to start the Jeep. It won't turn over; Margaret gets out] Where are you going?
Major Margaret Houlihan: Move over. If we're gonna go, we might as well get there. [takes the wheel and they drive off]
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Come on, Margaret, it was only a race.
06x09 - Images Season 6 / Episode 9: - Images

Major Margaret Houlihan: [about a nurse] People who don't have a stomach for this shouldn't be here.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You're right, let's all go home.
06x09 - Images Season 6 / Episode 9: - Images

Nurse Able: This place is hard to get used to, and I used to work emergency room in Chicago, car accidents, suicide, homicide.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Ah, for the good old days.
06x09 - Images Season 6 / Episode 9: - Images

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I'm think about getting a tattoo.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Get a calendar, at least it'll be useful for a year.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Get a tie, no restaurant in town will be able to refuse you.
06x07 - In Love and War Season 6 / Episode 7: - In Love and War

Margaret: [both Hawkeye and Margaret are in the Swamp, drunk] This place stinks.
Hawkeye: Right.
Margaret: The food stinks, the liquor stinks, and the smell stinks!
Hawkeye: You said it.
Margaret: And the *war* stinks!
Hawkeye: It certainly does!
Margaret: What are you agreeing for? You're one of the things around here that stinks!
06x06 - The Light That Failed Season 6 / Episode 6: - The Light That Failed

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Driver, what ignoramus is responsible for this?
Sgt. Hacker: Ah, any one of a dozen, sir. Would you mind signing this, please?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Sign nothin'. We can't use any of this, Sergeant.
Sgt. Hacker: It's all yours now.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Mule fritters! You've gotta haul it back to H.Q.!
Sgt. Hacker: I'm sorry, Colonel. I'm not authorized for returns. Would you mind signing this, please? I'm overdue at the 8063.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Let 'em get their inflatable pool and swim fins an hour later. Didn't you wonder why you were delivering ice cream churns to a MASH unit in the middle of winter?
Sgt. Hacker: Yeah, I used to wonder about stuff like that but it was keepin' me up nights, givin' me worry lines, so I cut it out.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Very wise.
Sgt. Hacker: Y'know, Colonel, if I was you, I would try and look on the bright side.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [sarcastically] There's a bright side?
Sgt. Hacker: Oh, yeah. Summer is just six months away.
06x05 - The Winchester Tapes Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Winchester Tapes

Hawkeye: [BJ and Hawkeye have been changing the size of Charles's pants] So, uh, what's next for him?
B.J.: Starting tomorrow, he gets taller.
06x05 - The Winchester Tapes Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Winchester Tapes

Charles: Why this constant preoccupation with sex?
B.J.: Lack of occupation with sex.
06x05 - The Winchester Tapes Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Winchester Tapes

Charles: Finally, a peaceful moment to conclude this tape. The would-be lothario Pierce is fast asleep, and the 38-hour day is done. Now, Mother and Dad... I will put this as eloquently... and succinctly as possible...


Charles: Get me the hell out of here!
06x05 - The Winchester Tapes Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Winchester Tapes

Charles: As I was saying, sir, I feel I could be more useful in Tokyo or even the states.
Col. Potter: Not to me, commissioner.
Charles: This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate. They're wasting away!
Col. Potter: Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber.
Charles: And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad!
Col. Potter: Cool off, Winchester.
Charles: How can I cool off in this God forsaken pest hole.
Col. Potter: You're here so get used to it!
Charles: You haven't lifted a finger to get me transferred.
Col. Potter: That's right and I don't intend to.
Charles: I certainly think you ought to consider...!
Col. Potter: [shouting] Not again, Major! I've had enough of your beefing! I need you here and you'll stay here like the rest of us! Here, your face is finished.

06x05 - The Winchester Tapes Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Winchester Tapes

Maj. Winchester: There is a transvestite corporal with dreadful taste in clothes and a head nurse who is part seductress and part Attila the Hun.
06x05 - The Winchester Tapes Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Winchester Tapes

Maj. Winchester: Father, you must know someone influential who can get me out of here. Talk to Senator Griswold. After all, you paid good money for him.
06x05 - The Winchester Tapes Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Winchester Tapes

Maj. Winchester: Our spiritual advisor through this Oriental purgatory is a cock-eyed optimist who sounds like Dennis Day. [describing Father Mulcahy]
06x04 - War of Nerves Season 6 / Episode 4: - War of Nerves

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [after Hawkeye and BJ put a cot on the bonfire] A cot. How can you do that?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's just a thing. It has no intrinsic value.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides, it's yours.
06x04 - War of Nerves Season 6 / Episode 4: - War of Nerves

Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Psst... psst!
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Did you want to see me, or have you sprung a leak?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't want to go into your tent 'cause I was afraid somebody might think I was crazy.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: What can I do for you?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: I think I'm goin' crazy.
06x04 - War of Nerves Season 6 / Episode 4: - War of Nerves

Maxwell Klinger: Can I talk to you, Major? I hear you got your shingle out.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: I realize I've only told you about a hundred and twelve times, but I can't help you with the Section Eight routine.
Maxwell Klinger: Oh, I don't wanna talk about getting out. I wanna talk about being crazy.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, this is a novel approach. Go on.
Maxwell Klinger: No, I mean it. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. You want me to lie down?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: What's the problem?
Maxwell Klinger: Well, I look at myself in the mirror lately, and I see this guy in earrings, pillbox hat, veil, maybe a little choker of pearls. And I ask myself..."Would a sane man dress like this?" I'm trying' to convince them, and I'm convincing myself.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: You're actually worried?
Maxwell Klinger: Major, I think I'm really goin' nuts.
06x04 - War of Nerves Season 6 / Episode 4: - War of Nerves

Maj. Sidney Freedman: Klinger, let me ask you something. Why do you want to get out of here?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Why? Well there's, there's lots of reasons. I guess death tops the list. I don't wanna die. And I don't wanna look at other people while they do it. And I don't wanna be told where to stand while it happens to me. And I don't wanna be told how to do it to somebody else. And I ain't gonna, period, that's it, I'm gettin' out.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: You don't like death.
Maxwell Klinger: Overall, I'd rather lay in a hammock with a couple of girls than be dead. Yes.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Listen, Klinger. You're not crazy.
Maxwell Klinger: I'm not? Really?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size twelve pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoopskirts right behind you.
06x04 - War of Nerves Season 6 / Episode 4: - War of Nerves

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [after stopping people from burning a number of items] You see how loony they're getting?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: You know, this may be just what they need.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Major, when people are suffering from overwork, do you usually prescribe arson? Because if you do, I'm gonna take another look under that bandage.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Look, Colonel, they don't want to burn the whole camp, just carefully selected bits of it. Actually, it's a pretty controlled response to this place. They might actually have found themselves that pressure valve you're looking for.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [addressing the crowd] All right, let me have your attention. I am reversing my previous order. You are hereby directed to assemble one regulation, bon-type fire.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hawkeye, the tent is spinning around.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Which way?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Clockwise.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Mine's going counter-clockwise. Maybe together we're sober.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [trips while drunk] Did I fall down?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nope.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I didn't think so.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [of Margaret] She's no fun when Donald's relaxed.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: General, I have not seen this hat, as long as my head has lived.
General Fox: Put it on!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [BJ puts on the hat which goes down around his nose] That's his hat all right.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: He'll be walking back here in about 20 minutes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Walking back?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The only thing gassed up in that Jeep was us.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Father Francis Mulcahy: Anything I can do?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pray.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh. That's all I ever get to do.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [defending BJ] He never left camp. We had a company sock wash.
General Fox: Colonel, were you a part of this company sock wash?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: No. That was, uh, for the younger crowd.
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Col. Sherman Potter: [an oversoused Hawkeye had to leave the O.R. to be sick] Listen, you can walk around with your brains at half-mast 24 hours a day for all I care, but when that chopper hits the pad I expect you to tie a slipknot in a match box. It's incomprehensible to me that a surgeon of your caliber would walk into an operating room with a bag on. Okay, let's hear some talk. What's your explanation?
Hawkeye: I screwed up.
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

B.J.: [Earlier, Hawkeye barked at hospitalized Radar] Gee, you have a marvelous effect on people.
Col. Potter: [Enters the Swamp; to Hawkeye] What the hell is the matter with you? Are you nuts?
Hawkeye: I think I must be, yes.
Col. Potter: I think you are. I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient, then you go in and try to destroy another! Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese.
Margaret: [Enters; to Hawkeye] I'd like to talk to you.
B.J.: This oughta be good.
Margaret: What is the matter with you?
Col. Potter: Just a minute, Major, I have something to say on that subject myself.
Margaret: Just hang on, you'll get your turn.
Col. Potter: I'll get my turn? I'm the commanding officer!
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Col. Sherman Potter: [to Hawkeye] Your behavior is incomprehensible. Again! You have a boy there, fresh out of the cornfields, who is highly vulnerable and impressionable, not to mention the fact that he worships you...
Margaret: Although WHY I can't imagine.
Col. Sherman Potter: Then you make this kid the target of the most bellicose barrell full of bull durham anybody's ever heard you utter!
Margaret: And I've heard you utter plenty.
Col. Sherman Potter: If you don't mind, I rehearsed this as a single.
Margaret: And you're doing fine, really.
Col. Sherman Potter: Gee, Major, I appreciate that. Now will you CLAM UP? [to Hawkeye] This boy's been told he's nothing more than a pimple on a flea by the man whose opinion he values more than any one in the world. And I think you DAMN WELL better do something about it! Now what do you think?
Hawkeye: I think you're right. [Exits]
Margaret: I never got to say anything!
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Hawkeye: Radar, I'm going to do something now I've rarely ever done before.
Radar: You're not going to kiss me, are you? [Hawkeye salutes Radar]

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