06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [of the broken phone] Somebody madder than you got to it first.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Corporal, there is no one madder than me.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Korean Woman: Finish!
Charles: You have not done the corners!
Korean Woman: Finish!
Charles: You haven't made my bed!
Korean Woman: Finish!
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Col. Horace Baldwin: For the next 48 hours, you belong to a MASH unit that's short a man.
Charles: MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?
Col. Horace Baldwin: Right. Grab the next flight to Seoul and get out to Colonel Potter at the 4077th.
Charles: Why send your best doctor into a war zone?
Col. Horace Baldwin: Relax. It's just like two days here... except for the artillery... and the snakes. Better get moving, Winchester.
Charles: Surely you jest.
Col. Horace Baldwin: Surely you *go.*
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Would you like to talk to Father Mulcahy?
The Sergeant: Okay, but I'm an atheist.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Really?
The Sergeant: Swear to God.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
Charles: You may.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Col. Potter: You're staying because I need you.
Charles: [incensed] And if I refuse?
Col. Potter: You'll be making gravel at Leavenworth! Comprehende?
Charles: [resigned] Comprehendo.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Maj. Winchester: [explaining his approach to surgery] I do one thing at a time, I do it very well, and then I move on.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Hawkeye: [after finding in his own bed the snake he and BJ had put in Charles' bed, to Charles, who is listening to classical music] Clever, very clever.
Charles: [looking over shoulder] Please, Mozart.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Col. Potter: [Hawkeye and B.J. learn that Major Winchester has permanently replaced Frank Burns] Would you rather have Burns?
Hawkeye: He was more fun to be cruel to.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Capt. Schaeffer: [Klinger and Capt. Schaeffer enter Potter's office, presumably to review Klinger's eligibility for a Section 8 discharge] Well, I expected more officers, a review board?
Col. Potter: Road apples, Private!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Captain, Colonel.
Col. Potter: Private, Corporal!
Capt. Schaeffer: Tsk... caught again.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: You're my lawyer!
Col. Potter: Your lawyer's a buck private, and he's no lawyer.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: W-w-wait...!
Col. Potter: Button it, button it!
Capt. Schaeffer: Let him talk.
Col. Potter: According to his captain, a REAL captain, Schaeffer's been bucking for a Section 8 longer than you have! Busted twice, done four months in the stockade. He's impersonated a doctor, a bombardier, a tank commander, even a chaplain!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A chaplain!
Capt. Schaeffer: Somewhere in America, 25 couples are living in sin!
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: You shyster! Why did you lie to me, get my hopes up?
Capt. Schaeffer: I figured you'd understand, you're my own kind!
Col. Potter: [Potter whistles for the MP's, they enter] He's all yours, boys.
Capt. Schaeffer: Well, hang in there, Klinger! [begins to leave with the MP's] I was an MP once, too!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I feel like crying.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye is talking to Major Burns on the phone, presumably for the last time] Best of luck to you, too, Frank.
Radar: [Hawkeye hangs up phone, then takes it and throws it out the door] Hey, I'm responsible for that! [runs out door to retrieve phone]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You seem a trifle irked.
Hawkeye: The Army, in it's infinite wisdom, has reassigned Frank to a veteran's hospital in Indiana... and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel!
Radar: [an angry B.J. attempts to grab the phone from Radar, who has returned with it and is making repairs] Oh, no!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I was just going to complain to my congressman! [attempts to grab it again]
Radar: Oh, no!
05x23 - Post Op Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op

Wounded Soldier: What if they ask me where I got hit?
Hawkeye: Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar.
Wounded Soldier: [Snort] Don't make me laugh.
Hawkeye: Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet and there's nothing amusing about that.
Wounded Soldier: Don't I know it.
Hawkeye: On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one giant pain in the butt. When they wanna hand you your purple heart, you can tell them where to pin it.
05x23 - Post Op Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op

Col. Potter: [on the phone trying to get some whole blood. the 4077th is nearly out] We're squeezin' turnips! All my personnel have already donated twice. Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts!
05x23 - Post Op Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op

Hawkeye: [the 4077th is dangerously low on blood] Now, Frank, how come you've never donated?
Frank Burns: Strategy. One of us should always have a full tank.
Hawkeye: Now why didn't I think of that?
Col. Potter: Because you're not an idiot.
05x23 - Post Op Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op

Frank Burns: [talking to a patient in post-op] Kid came through with an unidentifiable rash. I called it Burns Blight. Catchiest name since diarrhea.
05x23 - Post Op Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op

Wounded Soldier: [as Hawkeye treats a gluteal bullet wound] What if they ask me where I got hit?
Hawkeye: Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar.
Wounded Soldier: [snorts] Don't make me laugh.
Hawkeye: Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet. There's nothing amusing about that.
Wounded Soldier: Don't I know it.
Hawkeye: On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one giant pain in the butt. When they wanna hand you your purple heart, you can tell them where to pin it.
05x22 - Souvenirs Season 5 / Episode 22: - Souvenirs

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger is sitting on a small platform on a pole] Don't just walk away, can't you see I'm crazy?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Klinger, if I got rid of all the crazies in this camp, I'd be the loneliest man in Korea.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm not coming down, sir.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: In that case, I have just one piece of advice for you. When you're walking guard duty tonight, take very tiny steps.
05x21 - Movie Tonight Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight

Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
05x21 - Movie Tonight Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [the movie projector goes out, again] I blew the bulb. It's not my fault. Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?
Hawkeye: No, you look like Mrs. Edison.
05x21 - Movie Tonight Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight

Hawkeye: [the movie projector goes out once again] Don't blame Klinger. It's an Army projector.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's supposed to break down every five minutes.
Hawkeye: Just like the peace talks.
05x21 - Movie Tonight Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight

Hawkeye: Frank, let me use your pen.
Frank Burns: No.
Hawkeye: Come on, Frank!
Frank Burns: N-O! No.
Hawkeye: Why not?
Frank Burns: Because it's used to the way I write.
Hawkeye: It's used to: stupid
05x21 - Movie Tonight Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight

Frank Burns: [doing a Father Mulcahy impression] Uh, the post-op is collapsing and the OR's on fire.
Radar: Uh, sorry Father.


Radar: Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepititis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.
05x21 - Movie Tonight Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight

Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in Heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
BJ & Hawkeye: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Radar: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Margaret: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
05x21 - Movie Tonight Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight

Maj. Frank Burns: Gee whiz, that's terrific. I haven't seen a good movie in ages.
Hawkeye: Frank, don't be childish. It's only a movie.


Hawkeye: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! A movie! Hee, hee, hee! I'm so excited, I could plotz!
05x21 - Movie Tonight Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight

Hawkeye: And now for the moment no-one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest.


Hawkeye: [imitating Mulcahy] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.


Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.


Maj. Frank Burns: [in high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.


Margaret: [in high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.


Radar: Sorry, Father.


Radar: It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.


Col. Sherman Potter: [in high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!


Father Francis Mulcahy: Let me just say this about all these impersonations...


Hawkeye: That's definitely the Mills Brothers.
05x19 - Hepatitis Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis

Radar: Want to read Major Burns' Popular Mechanics? Sometimes the ads go pretty far.
Hawkeye: [sulking about not getting nudist magazines in the mail] Radar, a picture of a three way toilet valve doesn't go very far.
05x19 - Hepatitis Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis

Hawkeye: [trying to take a blood sample from a violent Klinger] Look, in a physical examination, *I'm* the one who's supposed to get physical! Not you!
05x19 - Hepatitis Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye's back is hurting] I already x-rayed it! There's nothing there?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nothing! No spine! Nothing!

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