Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 17, 1972
Status
Canceled/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

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M*A*S*H tv show photo

M*A*S*H

Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, a U S Army medical unit serving as a hospital in a combat area of operations. M*A*S*H was a true ensemble series. "The Pittsburgh Steelers' victory over the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl was watched in an average of 45.85 million homes, the second highest total in television history behind only the last Mash Ep.

06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [of Margaret] She's no fun when Donald's relaxed.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: General, I have not seen this hat, as long as my head has lived.
General Fox: Put it on!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [BJ puts on the hat which goes down around his nose] That's his hat all right.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: He'll be walking back here in about 20 minutes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Walking back?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The only thing gassed up in that Jeep was us.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Father Francis Mulcahy: Anything I can do?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pray.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh. That's all I ever get to do.
06x03 - Last Laugh Season 6 / Episode 3: - Last Laugh

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [defending BJ] He never left camp. We had a company sock wash.
General Fox: Colonel, were you a part of this company sock wash?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: No. That was, uh, for the younger crowd.
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Col. Sherman Potter: [an oversoused Hawkeye had to leave the O.R. to be sick] Listen, you can walk around with your brains at half-mast 24 hours a day for all I care, but when that chopper hits the pad I expect you to tie a slipknot in a match box. It's incomprehensible to me that a surgeon of your caliber would walk into an operating room with a bag on. Okay, let's hear some talk. What's your explanation?
Hawkeye: I screwed up.
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

B.J.: [Earlier, Hawkeye barked at hospitalized Radar] Gee, you have a marvelous effect on people.
Col. Potter: [Enters the Swamp; to Hawkeye] What the hell is the matter with you? Are you nuts?
Hawkeye: I think I must be, yes.
Col. Potter: I think you are. I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient, then you go in and try to destroy another! Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese.
Margaret: [Enters; to Hawkeye] I'd like to talk to you.
B.J.: This oughta be good.
Margaret: What is the matter with you?
Col. Potter: Just a minute, Major, I have something to say on that subject myself.
Margaret: Just hang on, you'll get your turn.
Col. Potter: I'll get my turn? I'm the commanding officer!
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Col. Sherman Potter: [to Hawkeye] Your behavior is incomprehensible. Again! You have a boy there, fresh out of the cornfields, who is highly vulnerable and impressionable, not to mention the fact that he worships you...
Margaret: Although WHY I can't imagine.
Col. Sherman Potter: Then you make this kid the target of the most bellicose barrell full of bull durham anybody's ever heard you utter!
Margaret: And I've heard you utter plenty.
Col. Sherman Potter: If you don't mind, I rehearsed this as a single.
Margaret: And you're doing fine, really.
Col. Sherman Potter: Gee, Major, I appreciate that. Now will you CLAM UP? [to Hawkeye] This boy's been told he's nothing more than a pimple on a flea by the man whose opinion he values more than any one in the world. And I think you DAMN WELL better do something about it! Now what do you think?
Hawkeye: I think you're right. [Exits]
Margaret: I never got to say anything!
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Hawkeye: Radar, I'm going to do something now I've rarely ever done before.
Radar: You're not going to kiss me, are you? [Hawkeye salutes Radar]
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Radar: You walked out on a patient, and Major Winchester had to finish for you.
Hawkeye: So? I'd have done the same for him if he were sick.
Radar: Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. A lot of people look up to you here. They admire you and they kinda feel they want to be like you. And... Gee, when you walk out on an operation, you make them feel like you've let them down. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything.
Hawkeye: Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? The blood of children. [slams down a pillow] I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then the hell with it. [stands up; turns around] How DARE you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with *you*. Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period. [Radar stifles crying] Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will you? You NINNY! [exits]
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Hawkeye: Radar, I'd like to apologize.
Radar: Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. Hell with me, huh? The hell with YOU. How about that? And another thing, [gets out of bed] I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fist-full of Iowa naivete right in the puss! How about that? You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? Ha!
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Radar: You walked out on a patient, and Major Winchester had to finish for you.
Hawkeye: So? I'd have done the same for him if he were sick.
Radar: Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. A lot of people look up to you here. They admire you and they kinda feel they want to be like you. And... Gee, when you walk out on an operation, you make them feel like you've let them down. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything.
Hawkeye: Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? The blood of children.


Hawkeye: I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then the hell with it.


Hawkeye: How *dare* you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with *you*. Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period.


Hawkeye: Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will you? You *ninny*!

06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Father Mulcahy: [Hawkeye has just lost it with a hospitalized Radar] I just left Radar. Now, Hawkeye, please accept this with the spirit intended. You're under enormous pressure here and I'm... I just want to know one little thing... Have you lost your mind?
Hawkeye: Father, you don't know how sorry I am.
Father Mulcahy: I mean tha - that boy is lying there in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of body and you... You call him a ninny?
Hawkeye: Father...
Father Mulcahy: I'm incensed! I am outraged! Where is your decency, man? Your humanity? I am acrimonious! I am not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion, but let me tell you, I can be persuaded to violence.
Hawkeye: Go ahead, Father.
Father Mulcahy: I think I will!


B.J.: Glad you let it out, Father?
Father Mulcahy: Well as a matter of fact, I found it particularly unsatisfying. If you want to know the truth, it is entirely possible that I have broken my toe!
06x02 - Fallen Idol Season 6 / Episode 2: - Fallen Idol

Hawkeye: Radar, I'd like to apologize.
Radar: Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. Hell with me, huh? The hell with *you*. How about that? And another thing,


Radar: I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fist-full of Iowa naivete right in the puss! How about that? You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? Ha!
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Charles: Get me Tokyo.
Radar: On the phone?
Charles: No, open the window and yell.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Charles is listening to classical music on his victrola] Hey, we got us a new record player.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Please, Beej. Mozart. Have you no respect for classical music?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you kidding? I got the William Tell Overture... by Spike Jones.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Charles: Sir, my father knows Harry Truman. He doesn't like him, but he knows him.
Col. Potter: Fine, you have dad call Harry, then have Harry call me, and then we will work something out. In the mean time, vamoose.
Charles: Yes, sir, I am... vamoosing. But know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Col. Potter: I think he's starting to get the hang of this place.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [of the broken phone] Somebody madder than you got to it first.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Corporal, there is no one madder than me.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Korean Woman: Finish!
Charles: You have not done the corners!
Korean Woman: Finish!
Charles: You haven't made my bed!
Korean Woman: Finish!
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Col. Horace Baldwin: For the next 48 hours, you belong to a MASH unit that's short a man.
Charles: MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?
Col. Horace Baldwin: Right. Grab the next flight to Seoul and get out to Colonel Potter at the 4077th.
Charles: Why send your best doctor into a war zone?
Col. Horace Baldwin: Relax. It's just like two days here... except for the artillery... and the snakes. Better get moving, Winchester.
Charles: Surely you jest.
Col. Horace Baldwin: Surely you *go.*
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Would you like to talk to Father Mulcahy?
The Sergeant: Okay, but I'm an atheist.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Really?
The Sergeant: Swear to God.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
Charles: You may.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Col. Potter: You're staying because I need you.
Charles: [incensed] And if I refuse?
Col. Potter: You'll be making gravel at Leavenworth! Comprehende?
Charles: [resigned] Comprehendo.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Maj. Winchester: [explaining his approach to surgery] I do one thing at a time, I do it very well, and then I move on.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Hawkeye: [after finding in his own bed the snake he and BJ had put in Charles' bed, to Charles, who is listening to classical music] Clever, very clever.
Charles: [looking over shoulder] Please, Mozart.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Col. Potter: [Hawkeye and B.J. learn that Major Winchester has permanently replaced Frank Burns] Would you rather have Burns?
Hawkeye: He was more fun to be cruel to.
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Capt. Schaeffer: [Klinger and Capt. Schaeffer enter Potter's office, presumably to review Klinger's eligibility for a Section 8 discharge] Well, I expected more officers, a review board?
Col. Potter: Road apples, Private!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Captain, Colonel.
Col. Potter: Private, Corporal!
Capt. Schaeffer: Tsk... caught again.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: You're my lawyer!
Col. Potter: Your lawyer's a buck private, and he's no lawyer.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: W-w-wait...!
Col. Potter: Button it, button it!
Capt. Schaeffer: Let him talk.
Col. Potter: According to his captain, a REAL captain, Schaeffer's been bucking for a Section 8 longer than you have! Busted twice, done four months in the stockade. He's impersonated a doctor, a bombardier, a tank commander, even a chaplain!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A chaplain!
Capt. Schaeffer: Somewhere in America, 25 couples are living in sin!
06x01 - Fade Out, Fade In Season 6 / Episode 1: - Fade Out, Fade In

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: You shyster! Why did you lie to me, get my hopes up?
Capt. Schaeffer: I figured you'd understand, you're my own kind!
Col. Potter: [Potter whistles for the MP's, they enter] He's all yours, boys.
Capt. Schaeffer: Well, hang in there, Klinger! [begins to leave with the MP's] I was an MP once, too!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I feel like crying.

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