06x08 - The Road to Burbank Season 6 / Episode 8: - The Road to Burbank

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: Mrs. Squiggman.
Shirley Feeney: Don't ever call me that!
Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: Why not?
Shirley Feeney: Let me put it to you this way. If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, the human race would die out.
Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: We could always adopt.
06x05 - Candy is Dandy Season 6 / Episode 5: - Candy is Dandy

Laverne DeFazio: Let's take a trip, Shirl. We never travel anymore. Let's go to Chad. Nobody ever goes to Chad anymore.
03x23 - The Dance Studio Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Dance Studio

Shirley Feeney: Well maybe Nathan the Greek is a nice loan shark.
Laverne DeFazio: Shirl, a nice loan shark? Think about it, are they called loan bunnies? Loan guppies? No, loan sharks, they bite your face off.
03x23 - The Dance Studio Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Dance Studio

Laverne DeFazio: Come on, Pop, you should talk to me, we ARE related.
Frank DeFazio: Alright, let's talk, WHEN are you getting married?
Laverne DeFazio: Goodnight, Pop.
03x21 - The Debutante Ball Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Debutante Ball

Shirley Feeney: What's that?
Frank DeFazio: It's a 100 year old bottle of wine I'm saving for Laverne's wedding.
Shirley Feeney: I hope we all get to try it soon.
Frank DeFazio: From your mouth to God's ear.
03x21 - The Debutante Ball Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Debutante Ball

Laverne DeFazio: Boy I really like eating Chinese food with these chopsticks. [uses them like two forks]
03x21 - The Debutante Ball Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Debutante Ball

Shirley Feeney: If you had fallen down at the Pizza Bowl, would you run in the bathroom and hide?
Laverne DeFazio: No, I'd do this [hits herself in the head] and everybody would laugh.
Shirley Feeney: So how's this different than falling at the Pizza Bowl?
Laverne DeFazio: Because when those people out there laugh at me, they think I'm riffraff.
Shirley Feeney: Do you think they're more important than the people at the Pizza Bowl?
Laverne DeFazio: No but...
Shirley Feeney: Are they more important than me?
Laverne DeFazio: No but...
Shirley Feeney: Are they more important than your father?
Laverne DeFazio: No but...
Shirley Feeney: Oh but but but.
03x21 - The Debutante Ball Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Debutante Ball

Shirley Feeney: [Laverne's embarrassed to go back out to the ball room, Shirley's dressed in blue jeans and a sweatshirt jacket] Look at me, Laverne, do *I* look like I belong at the debutante ball? Noooooo, but I'm here, and I'm going to go back out the same way I came in.
03x20 - The Obstacle Course Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Obstacle Course

Shirley Feeney: Any woman that could run that obstacle course in 40 seconds would have to be a freak of nature.
Laverne DeFazio: I just did it!
03x20 - The Obstacle Course Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Obstacle Course

Frank DeFazio: From now on I'm sticking to punching and yelling!
03x20 - The Obstacle Course Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Obstacle Course

Shirley Feeney: I'm stuck up here and I can't get down, come get me!
Laverne DeFazio: Nobody ever got stuck on a rope!
03x20 - The Obstacle Course Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Obstacle Course

Shirley Feeney: You were always great at those athletic things like running and jumping and scraping your knees. I was never good at that stuff.
Laverne DeFazio: That's because you hated scabs.
Shirley Feeney: I didn't hate them, my family didn't allow me to have them. I wanted to have scabs!
03x20 - The Obstacle Course Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Obstacle Course

Capt. Schmidt: I told you this was a bad idea, Schmidt, dames should stay barefoot and pregnant.
Laverne DeFazio: Barefoot and pregnant huh? [hands him hers and Shirley's purses] I'll show you barefoot and pregnant! [runs the entire obstacle course in 37 seconds]
03x19 - The Driving Test Season 3 / Episode 19: - The Driving Test

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: I've already totaled two trucks, squashed Booboo Kitty, and I ain't even got out of the living room yet!
03x19 - The Driving Test Season 3 / Episode 19: - The Driving Test

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: [Squiggy's drunk] You smell like you work in a brewery.
Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: I smell like I *did* work in a brewery.
03x19 - The Driving Test Season 3 / Episode 19: - The Driving Test

Shirley Feeney: [Laverne's brought in a tricycle and scooter for a visual aid to Squiggy's test question] Since Laverne forgot to get *me* a vehicle, I'll be a pedestrian, and I'm taking Booboo Kitty to the vet.
03x19 - The Driving Test Season 3 / Episode 19: - The Driving Test

Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa: [chopping vegetables while Shirley talks him into hiring Squiggy, tearing up] Alright, I'll do it!
Shirley Feeney: You don't have to cry about it.
Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa: I'm not, here's your onions!
03x19 - The Driving Test Season 3 / Episode 19: - The Driving Test

Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa: [teary eyed, about to offer Squiggy a job] Squiggy...
Shirley Feeney: He's been chopping onions.
Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa: No these are real.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Laverne DeFazio: [about Miss Babish] I don't think we should give her a hard time right now. Her daughter Amy is visiting this weekend.
Shirley Feeney: Oh Amy.
Laverne DeFazio: Yeah the uh...
Shirley Feeney: Retarded girl. Remember that time we met her on the stupe?
Laverne DeFazio: Yeah, she doesn't get to leave that special school that much.
Shirley Feeney: It's rough boy, 18 years old and she can only be in the 8th grade.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Amy Babish: I'm having a good time, Uncle Frank.
Frank DeFazio: I'm glad, I'm glad, you're a big girl, you should have a good time. [to Lenny] You lay one finger on her and I'm gonna break you.
Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: It's a deal.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: She's a retard, a dummy!
Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: [Amy cries and runs out of the Pizza Bowl] Amy! [grabs Squiggy] You know who the dummy is? YOU ARE! [shoves Squiggy against a table and knocks it down]
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: [enters dressed in a kilt, an elf's hat and green stockings] Hoy there! Hello lads and lasses and children in the sea, I have come to pick your baloney stones.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: [Amy gives him the letter her mother wrote her] 'Amy, lock yourself in the'... what's this word?
Amy Babish: Bed-room.
Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: She makes funny B's. 'Tell Lenny he should go, don't let him touch you.' Your mother thinks I'm going to hurt you.
Amy Babish: But I don't.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Laverne DeFazio: Hey Squiggy, do you know the Purple Fiends?
Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: Know 'em? They beat me up three times.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Shirley Feeney: [to Carmine] You do a pretty mean Irish jig for an Italian.
Laverne DeFazio: Thank you.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: I think maybe I'll drift back up to my apartment then.
Laverne DeFazio: Aren't you going to stick around for the shenannigans?
Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: No I think I had enough Irish food for one day.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: [looking at Squiggy's leprechaun costume with a kilt, a green elf's hat, green stockings and a green jacket with curled coat tails] Boy don't you look sensational?
Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman: Yeah yeah, I would'a got you one but they didn't have a leprechaun costume in a 42 Husky.
03x15 - The Slow Child Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Slow Child

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: You're not still upset about what Squiggy said, are you? Because he doesn't know nothing, he doesn't mean nothing.
Amy Babish: He's right, I am a dummy.
Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: Don't say that. Now me, I've been around dummies all my life.
03x04 - Robot Lawsuit Season 3 / Episode 4: - Robot Lawsuit

Laverne DeFazio: [straddling a large stuffed elephant] Sabu the Jungle Boy!
03x04 - Robot Lawsuit Season 3 / Episode 4: - Robot Lawsuit

Laverne DeFazio: [in the toy store] This reminds me of when Shirley Temple spent Christmas morning at that rich girl's house in 'Heidi'.
Shirley Feeney: [imitating Shirley Temple] Grandfather! Grandfather! I want to stay with you!

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