Sep. 19, 2005
30 min.
CBS TV Network

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Narrator How I Met Your Mother


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  Played by:
Bob SagetBob Saget
Saget was (born May 17, 1956) in Philadelphia to a Jewish family. His father, Benjamin, was a supermarket ...

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Narrator Quotes

09x21 - Gary Blauman Season 9 / Episode 21: - Gary Blauman

Narrator: Future Ted: You will be shocked kids when you'll discover how easy it is in life to cut away with people forever. That's why, when you find someone you wanna keep around, you do something about it.
09x16 - How Your Mother Met Me Season 9 / Episode 16: - How Your Mother Met Me

Narrator: Kids, I must've heard your Mom's rendition of La Vie En Rose a million times over the years, every night when she tucked you in, for instance. But that performance, that first night I ever heard her sing, that one will always be my favorite.
09x15 - Unpause Season 9 / Episode 15: - Unpause

Narrator: Nothing good happens after 2 a.m., but there's an exception to every rule. That exception was you, Luke.
09x11 - Bedtime Stories Season 9 / Episode 11: - Bedtime Stories

Gus: [to Marshall] Forgive me, but but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? You don't tell kids a tale that crass.
Narrator: ...I guess he had a point.
09x03 - Last Time in New York Season 9 / Episode 3: - Last Time in New York

Lily Aldrin: [Sword fighting with Robin, imitating Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride] My name is Rodrigo Degoya, you killed someone I love, prepare to dance!
Narrator: Yes, kids, that's what your Aunt Lily thought the line was.
09x01 - The Locket Season 9 / Episode 1: - The Locket

The Mother: Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "lonely" and "unicorn", which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so... thank you. Are you okay?
Lily Aldrin: No, but there's nothing you can do.
The Mother: Do you wanna cookie? [Offers a container of cookies]
Lily Aldrin: Yes... yes I do! [Grabs a cookie]
The Mother: Whoa! You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.
Lily Aldrin: [With her mouth full] But there's not, is there?
The Mother: No idea, I found them under my seat. [Lily spits out cookie] No! Kidding! Sorry! You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie and then I thought you could use a joke, I should have stopped at the cookie.
Lily Aldrin: You know what? I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches.
The Mother: I call them sumbitches!
Narrator: ...And that's how Lily met your mother.
09x01 - The Locket Season 9 / Episode 1: - The Locket

Ted Mosby: You're not gonna tackle me again, are you?
Lily Aldrin: I'm the maid of honor, there's a good chance that won't be my only tackle of the weekend.
Narrator: It wasn't.
09x01 - The Locket Season 9 / Episode 1: - The Locket

The Mother: [about Ted's slow driving] That would drive me crazy. I would give him an embarrassing nickname until he stops driving like a little girl.
Narrator: It was Lady Tedwina Slowsby. And it worked.
08x23 - Something Old Season 8 / Episode 23: - Something Old

Ted Mosby: This is the first thing we bought when we moved here after college. It-it was the only piece of furniture we had for a week. And now you two are moving to Italy. I mean, what if our friendship doesn't the pass the "have-you-used-it-in-a-year" test? If you can throw out this chair, who's to say that you can't throw me out too?
Marshall Eriksen: That could never happen!
Lily Aldrin: You're not a chair, you're our best friend!
Ted Mosby: You can say that, but a lot can change in a year.
Marshall Eriksen: Buddy, I...
Ted Mosby: Look, I know I'm being crazy. I just... I just need a moment with this chair. You know, to say goodbye.
Marshall Eriksen: We'll give you two some space.
Narrator: Kids, you can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tightly you hold on, it's already gone.
08x15 - P.S. I Love You Season 8 / Episode 15: - P.S. I Love You

Narrator: Kids, sometimes, when you're about to give up on your love life forever for the 17th time, destiny intervenes. [In the present, Ted is in the subway and sees Jeanette reading the same book as him] Instead of rushing in, I took my time to think of the perfect opening line. [as Ted is about to talk to her, she gets up and gets out of the subway]
Ted Mosby: [Yelling after her] Wait! No, damn it! Come back! You're really... You're pretty!
08x13 - Band or DJ? Season 8 / Episode 13: - Band or DJ?

Narrator: [Talking about Robin] I made a pretty strong case that night, but in the end, she didn't want a DJ, she wanted a band. And guess what happened?

Ted Mosby: ...That's right, the band cancelled at the last minute, just like I said they would. The wedding is in a week and no bands. When will people realize I always know what's what?
Cindy: He says to the lesbian he dated for a month.
Ted Mosby: That's a fair point. Anyways, you guys wouldn't happen to know of any good wedding bands available at the last minute, would you?
Casey: Ted, do you believe in destiny?
Ted Mosby: You really don't know me, do you?
Cindy: We just had brunch with my ex-roommate.
Ted Mosby: The bass player?
Cindy: No, she's not just a bass player, she's a bass player in the best wedding band in the Tri-state area. They had a gig lined up for this weekend, but it just fell through this morning.
Casey: You, my friend, are gonna save that wedding.
Ted Mosby: Do you know any DJs?
Cindy: Dude! Come on!
Casey: Let it go bro, just let it go.
Ted Mosby: All right, all right, all right. Well, I guess it's a lucky thing I ran into you guys.
Narrator: And kids, "lucky" doesn't even begin to describe it, because if Robin and Barney had taken my stupid advice and hired a DJ, I never would have met your mother.
08x13 - Band or DJ? Season 8 / Episode 13: - Band or DJ?

Marshall Eriksen: [Changing Marvin's diaper] Oh, still clean. What's that little buddy, you're smiling? [Confetti sprays all over Marshall]
Narrator: Kids, it wasn't confetti.
Lily Aldrin: Holy confetti!
08x03 - Nannies Season 8 / Episode 3: - Nannies

Narrator: Kids, when you're in a new relationship and you're competing with your ex for who's happier, it can get ugly.
08x02 - The Pre-Nup Season 8 / Episode 2: - The Pre-Nup

Narrator: [dramatically] And just like that, one of these four couples would break-up the very next day. [normal voice] Okay, it wasn't Lily and Marshall. [continues dramatically] One of these three couple would break-up the very next day!
07x24 - The Magician's Code (Part 2) Season 7 / Episode 24: - The Magician's Code (Part 2)

Narrator: Lily and Marshall asked Robin to be the photographer for baby Marvin's birth announcement card. Instead of me. Whatever. The only problem? [cuts to lots of bad photos where Lily, Marshall and the baby all look horrible]
Lily Aldrin: These are terrible, Robin.
Robin Scherbatsky: Hey, it is not easy getting a good shot cooped up in this apartment.
Ted Mosby: See? Two different styles. I make compositions. Robin makes excuses. Click, photo burn.
07x20 - Trilogy Time Season 7 / Episode 20: - Trilogy Time

Marshall Eriksen: Where is Robin?
Narrator: In the summer of 2009, Barney and Robin were secretly dating.
Ted Mosby: Oh, Barney said she's taking some extension class on how to decoupage and Barney's taking a different decoupage class in the same building- that's why they shared a cab that one time.
Narrator: We were idiots.
Marshall Eriksen: Wait a minute. You're saying that Barney Stinson is at a decoupage class? That means we can watch Star Wars on his giant TV!
07x20 - Trilogy Time Season 7 / Episode 20: - Trilogy Time

Narrator: Kids, here's the deal with Trilogy Time. It all started a long time ago in a dorm room far, far away... [Star Wars-esque credits say "Wesleyan The Year 2000"]
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, if we fail this e-con final, for the rest of are lives we're not gonna be able to... [Waves hands, unable able to think of anything] We won't know how to... [Fails again] Do you even know what E-con is?
Ted Mosby: No idea, we're screwed. Well there's only one thing left to do at a time like this: watch the entire Star Wars trilogy all the way through 'cause I haven't done that in like five years!
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, you can't let that happen. If you're not trilling it at least once every three years, the dark side wins.
07x20 - Trilogy Time Season 7 / Episode 20: - Trilogy Time

Ted Mosby: [Imagining what 2003 will be like] Our band is gonna be in demand.
Marshall Eriksen: And luckily there will be plenty of supply.
Ted Mosby: Supply? Demand? Dude, do you realize what we just did? We used E-con! We're gonna ace this final!
Narrator: ...We both got zeros.
07x17 - No Pressure Season 7 / Episode 17: - No Pressure

Narrator: Here's the funny thing. In my own crazy way, I was happy. For the first time in years, there was no little part of me clinging to the dream of being with Robin. Which meant for the first time in years, the world was wide open. Because, kids, when a door closes... well, you know the rest.
Lily Aldrin: For Ted's sake, I hate to say this, but... pay up. [Holds her hand out. There is a short pause]
Marshall Eriksen: [smiles slightly] Not yet.
07x14 - 46 Minutes Season 7 / Episode 14: - 46 Minutes

Narrator: A while back we discovered the most amazing thing: Lily had a doppelganger who was a Russian stripper
Barney Stinson: Look at her Ted: she's just like old less-good Lily, but instead of bossing us around, she shows us her boobs. [Moves a hand toward her]
Stripper Lily: [Slaps his hand] No touching.
Barney Stinson: Okay, a little bossing us around. I call her Better Lily!
07x12 - Symphony of Illumination Season 7 / Episode 12: - Symphony of Illumination

Narrator: Kids, your aunt Robin never did become a pole-vaulter. But she did become a famous journalist, a successful businesswoman, a world traveler, she was even briefly a bullfighter - that's a funny story, I'll get to that one later. But there was one thing your aunt Robin never was; she was never alone.
07x11 - The Rebound Girl Season 7 / Episode 11: - The Rebound Girl

Narrator: [about Past Ted and Barney trying to adopt a baby and raise it as "Bro-Parents"] Kids I cannot stress this enough: Barney and I were going through a tough time.
07x10 - Tick Tick Tick... Season 7 / Episode 10: - Tick Tick Tick...

Narrator: Robin's boss, Sandy Rivers, hosted this cruise every year, mostly to hit on new employees. And he found a clever way to never spend a cent.
Sandy Rivers: [on air] Up next: Another four deaths in Arizona's record-breaking heat wave. You want real record-breaking heat? Try Kristoff's jalapeno coconut martini! Muy caliente! [breaks into a giant smile while holding up the bottle]
07x09 - Disaster Averted Season 7 / Episode 9: - Disaster Averted

Narrator: Kids, you haven't truly lived until somewhere, somebody puts a sign up because of something you did. For instance...
Kevin: [At MacLaren's] You guys seen that sign out front that says "Absolutely no boogie boarding" [gang uh-huh knowledgeably] What's that all about?
Ted Mosby: Oh, that's a great story, you got time for it?
Kevin: [Checks his watch] Well, I'm supposed to go to my mom's birthday party, so please make it as long as you can.
07x07 - Noretta Season 7 / Episode 7: - Noretta

Narrator: [Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night] Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure...
Kevin: I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history.
Narrator: Instead, he took a different approach...
Kevin: Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment! [unbuttons pants, revealing boxers]
07x07 - Noretta Season 7 / Episode 7: - Noretta

Narrator: Kids, in the fall of 2011, all my friends were in relationships. So when Barney's brother james cam to visit it created a slight logistical problem... [Cut to the booth at MacLaren's, which is packed with Lily, Marshall, Nora, Barney, Kevin, Robin, Ted and James]
Marshall Eriksen: We're gonna need a bigger booth.
Nora: I'm going to go to the loo. I don't actually have to go, I just want a seat all to myself.
07x02 - The Naked Truth Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth

Marshall Eriksen: I wanna be the kind of man my child can look up to. So, sweeping declaration, I am never getting drunk again as long as I live. [the rest of the gang laughs] I'm serious!
Narrator: Kids, it's not that your Uncle Marshall had a drinking problem. But whenever he made a sweeping declaration like that, you pretty much knew... [the next day, Marshall walks in drunk]
Marshall Eriksen: I DID IT AGAIN!
Narrator: But I'm getting ahead of myself.
07x01 - The Best Man Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man

Narrator: Kids, if there's one big theme to this story - and I swear, we're totally, almost not really that close to the end - it's timing. Timing is everything.
07x01 - The Best Man Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man

Barney Stinson: What if this whole this is a disaster? What if this is the worst wedding ever?
Ted Mosby: Not possible. We've already been to the worst wedding ever.
Barney Stinson: Punchy's wedding.
Ted Mosby: [laughs] Marshall really took a two-flusher to that one [him and Barney laugh]
Narrator: The story of how Uncle Marshall ruined my friend Punchy's wedding, starts in September, 2011...
07x01 - The Best Man Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man

Narrator: We all headed to my hometown where we planned to celebrate Punchy's big day. Uncle Barney had different plans.
Barney Stinson: Get ready Cleveland. The last man to screw you this hard and then disappear was LeBron James.
Robin Scherbatsky: You're trying to get laid *here*? Oh Barney, tonight's a magical night between Ted's annoying friend and What's-her-face. have some respect.

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