Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jun. 16, 2010
Status
Final Season
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
TV Land TV Network
Genre

Top Contributors

Hot In Cleveland tv show photo

Hot In Cleveland

"Hot in Cleveland" revolves around three fabulous, eccentric, LA women of a certain age, and best friends whose lives are changed forever when their plane unexpectedly lands in Cleveland and they soon rediscover themselves in this new "promised land."

05x12 - I Just Met the Man I'm Going to Marry Season 5 / Episode 12: - I Just Met the Man I'm Going to Marry

Political Ad: The following is a paid political announcement. Elka Ostrovsky *seems* like a sweet old lady, but how well do we know her? We know she's been in jail. We know she was married to the mob. We know she lives with three single women. What's that about? Is this the kind of person we want approving appointees to the Municipal Utilities Commission? I don't think so. Vote Jim Powell for city council.
Councilman Powell: I'm a disabled African-American Ohio State football hero, and I approved this message.
Nate: Elka, as your campaign manager my first job is to go after this guy and all of his vicious, ridiculous, embarrassing lies!
Elka Ostrovsky: There's just one problem. All that stuff is true.
Nate: OK, we'll just add that to the equation. You now have a point zero zero one percent chance of winning this election.
05x12 - I Just Met the Man I'm Going to Marry Season 5 / Episode 12: - I Just Met the Man I'm Going to Marry

Elka Ostrovsky: Is everything all ready?
Nate: Yup, all set.


Elka Ostrovsky: Who's MacGyver now?
05x12 - I Just Met the Man I'm Going to Marry Season 5 / Episode 12: - I Just Met the Man I'm Going to Marry

Melanie Moretti: What's wrong, sweetie?
Victoria Chase: Apparently, years ago, when I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting nominated for an Academy Award, I signed a rather unusual contract with the Mrs. Ladypants people. I have to wear... a Mrs. Ladypants... absorbent gown to the Oscars. Now with crystal litter-box technology.
Elka Ostrovsky: You're gonna wear diapers to the Oscars?
Victoria Chase: It's not diapers. It's an absorbent gown!
Mitch: Well, look at the bright side: you won't need a seat filler if you have to go to the bathroom during the ceremonies.
Melanie Moretti: [laughing] You're very funny.
Victoria Chase: So what am I going to do?
Melanie Moretti: You're going to celebrate. We're all going to celebrate. Honey, you could win an Oscar. And, Elka, you could win election.
Victoria Chase: You know what? Melanie is right.
Mitch: She's beautiful too. Somebody else talk.
Victoria Chase: Yeah, I will. So here's to everyone getting exactly what they want.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Joy Scroggs: [Bob and Joy kiss passionately] Did they see us?
Bob: Yes, lover.
Joy Scroggs: They can't hear us; you don't need to call me lover.
Bob: It's called undercover work, Joy. We're chasing identity thieves here, crafty and suspicious; if we want to get close to them we have to convince them we're just an ordinary couple.
Joy Scroggs: Got it.
Bob: But we mustn't get too attached, you and I. That will only lead to heartbreak. Your heartbreak.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Bob: We're on our honeymoon.
Julie: At the Pines Motel?
Bob: The original plan was Disney, but I went over budget buying my wife; you see, she's a Russian mail-order bride.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Bob: I'll meet you at the motel. But just so you know, John Johnson sleeps in the nude.
Joy Scroggs: And just so *you* know, Natasha Johnson sleeps with scissors.
Bob: Pajamas it is, then.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Joy Scroggs: Are you saying you're running for city council? You don't know anything about politics.
Victoria Chase: Well, what does Sonny Bono know? Clint Eastwood? The Schwarzenegger couldn't even pronounce the name of the state he was in.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Bob: Your feet are telling me that you're a lonely woman.
Julie: Oh? What are my breasts telling you?
Bob: That it's a little chilly in here.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Melanie Moretti: Now, let's jaw a little bit about this dog park issue. Why are you agin it?
Councilman Powell: Look, I think that all the people care about is that I'm a disabled African-American Ohio State football hero, that believes Cleveland is the best city in the world.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Bob: Oh God, joy!
Joy Scroggs: What?
Bob: No, not you; my Canadian girlfriend Joy.
Joy Scroggs: You really have a Canadian girlfriend?
Bob: Yes! [speeddials cellphone] Hi. Joy, this is Bob. I-I've made a terrible mistake. Look. I'm jumping on the next flight and then the connecting flight and then the puddle-jumper and then the snowmobile and... then I'll be at your door. Yes. I'll, I'll see you in two weeks.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Joy Scroggs: Thanks, Melanie. You're good at this. Bye.
Melanie Moretti: You know, I *am* good at this. I mean, when I'm just being myself. See, I was told I needed to be more folksy, more Honey Boo-Boo. But people like those shows because they're being themselves. So for the rest of Askageddon, I'm just going to be me, and I hope you like it. [the board guy taps on the window and points to his watch] And that concludes Askageddon. I'll see you tomorrow, folks... I hope.
05x11 - Undercover Lovers Season 5 / Episode 11: - Undercover Lovers

Victoria Chase: Look at this turnout. You know, Elka's only a few signatures away from getting on the ballot. And her dog park twitter account is trending.
Elka Ostrovsky: [laughing] At Elka stop less parks.
Melanie Moretti: [looks at @elkastoplessparks banner] You know, when you look at that, it looks like Elka's topless parks.
Elka Ostrovsky: [innocently] Does it?
Bob: Well, Joy, I've got a plane to catch.
Joy Scroggs: Bob's selling the agency and moving back to Canada.
Bob: I made the new owner promise to keep Joy on. He seems like a good guy.
Joy Scroggs: Good guy, huh?
Bob: Yup. I guess when you look like him, you kind of have to be. [shows joy a picture of a handsome man]
Joy Scroggs: I can work with that.
Bob: That's the spirit, Joy. Looks aren't everything.
05x10 - Bucket: We're Going to New York Season 5 / Episode 10: - Bucket: We're Going to New York

Melanie Moretti: Well, cross another thing off my bucket list. I have been to a nude beach.
Victoria Chase: I didn't know Cleveland had a nude beach.
Melanie Moretti: It has one more than it should.
Elka Ostrovsky: Who said I wouldn't run into anyone I knew there?
Melanie Moretti: Elka, I'm sorry; how was I to know that your butcher was going to be at a nude beach?
Elka Ostrovsky: I'll never be able to order kielbasa from that man again.
05x10 - Bucket: We're Going to New York Season 5 / Episode 10: - Bucket: We're Going to New York

Joy Scroggs: I never told you this, but when I first came to America, I auditioned for the Rockettes. Huh. Only I froze. I couldn't get my legs into the air.
Elka Ostrovsky: You sure got over that one.
05x10 - Bucket: We're Going to New York Season 5 / Episode 10: - Bucket: We're Going to New York

Melanie Moretti: I love being Scarlet DeNeuve. You know that Scarlet got invited into the cockpit on the plane. And joined the Mile High Club.
Joy Scroggs: You had sex with the pilot?
Melanie Moretti: Wait, that's what that means? I thought Mile High Club was when they gave you these little plastic wings.
05x10 - Bucket: We're Going to New York Season 5 / Episode 10: - Bucket: We're Going to New York

Victoria Chase: Oh, Maddie, can you ever forgive me?
Maddie Banks: Yes, I can forgive you, Victoria. You were awful to me.
Victoria Chase: Yeah.
Maddie Banks: And I was awful to you. And you know what we call that in the theater? Friendship.
05x10 - Bucket: We're Going to New York Season 5 / Episode 10: - Bucket: We're Going to New York

Joy Scroggs: What are these?
Maddie Banks: Oh, Professor Knoll must of left his signs.
Joy Scroggs: Yeah. [reads] "More wine, please." "You were wonderful in that." "You deserve the Tony."
Maddie Banks: Aw, that ones for me.
Joy Scroggs: "You should win an Oscar."
Victoria Chase: Aw, that one's for me
Joy Scroggs: "I still think about our night together."
Victoria Chase, Maddie Banks: Awwww!
05x09 - Bad George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 9: - Bad George Clooney

Elka Ostrovsky: Look at our baby; he's so depressed.
Melanie Moretti: Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.
Joy Scroggs: No, the vet said he was fine physically.
Elka Ostrovsky: Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.
Victoria Chase: Or maybe because for every one of our years he ages seven. That would depress the hell out of me.
05x09 - Bad George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 9: - Bad George Clooney

Joy Scroggs: [about the dog] Maybe there's something we can do to cheer him up. What do I do when I need cheering up?
Elka Ostrovsky: He can't do that, Joy. He's been fixed.
05x09 - Bad George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 9: - Bad George Clooney

Dr. Deb: This is a very unusual family arrangement you have here; I mean, three grown sisters living with their mother.
Elka Ostrovsky: [pointing at Joy] Oh, she's not our mother.
05x09 - Bad George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 9: - Bad George Clooney

Milo: Better get going, Dr. Deb; we have an appointment with a private client.
Dr. Deb: Yes, yes. If you ladies will excuse me, I need to see a horse about a man.
05x09 - Bad George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 9: - Bad George Clooney

Melanie Moretti: I thought you guys were supposed to be getting along.
Joy Scroggs: We tried all morning not to snipe at each other, and knowing we can't snipe at each other only made us snipe at each other more.
Melanie Moretti: Well, you can't run away from the problem.
Joy Scroggs: The problem is 92 years old; I think I can.
05x09 - Bad George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 9: - Bad George Clooney

Melanie Moretti: [to radio caller] Why don't you just cut the guy some slack? And if you have to criticize him, do it *after* sex. That way he associates criticism with pleasure.
05x09 - Bad George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 9: - Bad George Clooney

Joy Scroggs: Hey, if we didn't depress George, we didn't do anything wrong. We can go back to the way things were. Go on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee, you old biddy.
Elka Ostrovsky: Coffee with a tart. Sounds good to me.
05x07 - The One With George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 7: - The One With George Clooney

Policeman: 'Kay, ladies, you see the perpetrator in this lineup?
Elka Ostrovsky: Could number four take his shirt off?
Policeman: Why?
Elka Ostrovsky: Why not? It's my tax dollars, right?
Melanie Moretti: It's number three.
Policeman: Number three step forward.
Victoria Chase: He's the one.
Melanie Moretti: Definitely.
Joy Scroggs: Dirty, rotten bastard.
Elka Ostrovsky: Fine; he can take his shirt off too.
05x07 - The One With George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 7: - The One With George Clooney

Victoria Chase: I know that it's common for a woman to start losing her memory in her early forties.
Elka Ostrovsky: You've already forgotten your age.
Victoria Chase: I was born in 1968.
Melanie Moretti: But I thought you were born in 1969.
Victoria Chase: Oh my God, I've forgotten my fake age.
05x07 - The One With George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 7: - The One With George Clooney

Melanie Moretti: I put in an application for him, and they're going to send over a home inspector next week to see if we're dog worthy. So we have *got* to be good because everybody wants him.
Victoria Chase: Well, what to we do? Who do we pay? Who does Joy sleep with?
Melanie Moretti: No, things like money and sexual favors aren't going to do the trick.
Joy Scroggs: Wow. We really aren't in L.A. any more.
05x07 - The One With George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 7: - The One With George Clooney

Joy Scroggs: I've lost all trust in men, so unconditional love from a neutered male is just what I need.
05x07 - The One With George Clooney Season 5 / Episode 7: - The One With George Clooney

Melanie Moretti: Guess who gave George Clooney a bath! [enters carrying the dog]
Joy Scroggs: Oh, I'm so glad we picked a good name for him. Now we can all honestly say we've slept with George Clooney.
Melanie Moretti: Just remember he's a dog, not a person; we don't want to become those wacky, middle-aged women whose lives revolve around their pets.
Elka Ostrovsky: Then I guess you don't want to see him in this. [holds up a doggie chef outfit]
Victoria Chase: Dear God, that's cute.
Joy Scroggs: It's adorable. Put it on him now.
Melanie Moretti: No, seriously, put it on him. [hands George Clooney to Elka] now.
05x04 - The Undead Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Undead

Mike: That was great.
Melanie Moretti: Mm-hm.
Mike: You are amazing!
Melanie Moretti: Thank you, you're not so bad yourself.
Mike: So, do you want to spoon?
Melanie Moretti: Yeah.


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