Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jun. 16, 2010
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
TV Land TV Network
Genre
H+ tv show photo

H+

The series is based on a future where one-third of the world's population has an implanted computer, named H+, which connects the human mind to the Internet 24 hours a day. The story begins in medias res, depicting the effects of a virus which infects the H+ implant. Concurrent episodes go back and forward in time to different settings, and various characters' viewpoints.

04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Victoria Chase: Are you really as good as they say you are?
Danny: Did John Glenn go to jail for murder?
Joy Scroggs: What murder?
Danny: I rest my case.
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Professor Zucker: I know what a vagina looks like. It looks like years of alimony.
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Melanie Moretti: Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.
Elka Ostrovsky: You know the old saying.
Melanie Moretti: When God closes a door, he opens a window?
Elka Ostrovsky: No. The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Melanie Moretti: Maybe it is to soon for me to start dating.
Joy Scroggs: That's ridiculous. You like him and he likes you; you're already ahead of most of my relationships.
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Melanie Moretti: I'm really sorry about last night, but I really was just trying to help my friend.
Dr. Aaron Everett: Which means you're a nice person.
Melanie Moretti: Thank you.
Dr. Aaron Everett: And... I'd like to get to know the girl that broke my uterus. Dinner tonight?
Melanie Moretti: Yeah, I'd love to.
Dr. Aaron Everett: I've one more patient to see; you can wait in the waiting room.
Melanie Moretti: Okay. Wait! So, while I'm waiting you're going to get to third base with a naked woman?
Dr. Aaron Everett: That's not really how doctors think of it.
Melanie Moretti: Hm-mm. Is she attractive?
Dr. Aaron Everett: No.
Melanie Moretti: Would you tell me if she was?
Dr. Aaron Everett: No.
Melanie Moretti: Is this something I have to get used to?
Dr. Aaron Everett: Yup.
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Professor Zucker: Only one person did a film worthy of an A. In a clever homage to the Godzilla films of the 1950s which warned of the horrors of the atomic age, this filmmaker also used frightening imagery to provoke thought. I give you... Elka Ostrovsky's 'Man Hands'.
Joy Scroggs: Wait. What?
Elka Ostrovsky: [narrating film] I was married to the mob. I lived through the horrors of war, but I have never seen anything as terrifying as *man hands*. Man hands.
Elka Ostrovsky: [to Joy] I wanted the A.
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Joy Scroggs: That was beautiful, Elka. My film's got everything those Oscar winners have: craggy-looking old people talking about Nazis. I'm a shoo-in to get that A.
Elka Ostrovsky: Not so fast. I want to interview you for my film.
Joy Scroggs: Really. But my story can't possibly be as interesting as yours.
Elka Ostrovsky: Oh, don't put yourself down, Joy. That's my job.
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Melanie Moretti: Hey! Guys! Guess what? I have a date with my gynecologist.
Elka Ostrovsky: They're called appointments, dear.
Joy Scroggs: We've all been there, Melanie. So desperate for a man's touch you make an appointment you don't even need.
Melanie Moretti: No, I've never done that.
Joy Scroggs: Nor have I.
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Melanie Moretti: Remember that cute doctor I met when the bar got held up, and he needed me to take of my Spanx so he could use it as a tourniquet and I thought, at the time, that's the most embarrassing way possible to meet a guy? Well, same guy, more embarrassing way!
04x18 - The Fixer Season 4 / Episode 18: - The Fixer

Joy Scroggs: Sorry I'm late; what'd I miss?
Victoria Chase: Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.
Joy Scroggs: What! That's a horrible thing to say. You're going to make her cry.
Elka Ostrovsky: That's the plan.
Melanie Moretti: I haven't been able to cry since Alec and I broke up, and I feel like it's all bottled up inside me. If I could just get one good cry, maybe I could get over him.
Joy Scroggs: Got it. Has anyone mentioned that he's probably banging some hot twenty-something already?
Elka Ostrovsky: I said twins.
Joy Scroggs: Well, the movie's in ten minutes. Everyone says you can't watch 'The Diary' without bursting into tears.
Victoria Chase: Oh, yes! 'The Diary' is the movie 'The Notebook' goes to see when it wants to feel sad.
Joy Scroggs: After all the artsy-fartsy cinema Elka and I have had to sit through in our Theory of Film class, we could use a little mindless entertainment. No sub-titles, no moral ambiguity, no chess games with death.
Elka Ostrovsky: And only good-looking people get naked.
Melanie Moretti: Look, you guys, I'm really not up for a movie. You go. I'm going to stay here and finish my wine. I'll pay the cheque.
Joy Scroggs: Oh, honey, are you sure?
Melanie Moretti: Ah, don't try to be nice; it only makes it harder.
Victoria Chase: Well, bye, Mel; sorry you're so hideous.
Joy Scroggs: And unlovable.
Elka Ostrovsky: Have fun dying alone.
Melanie Moretti: Nothing.
04x17 - No Glove, No Love Season 4 / Episode 17: - No Glove, No Love

Melanie Moretti: All these toys were over at Elka's place.
Elka Ostrovsky: Well, I did a lot of baby-sitting when I was young.
Joy Scroggs: Was it hard pushing a stroller around before the invention of the wheel?
04x17 - No Glove, No Love Season 4 / Episode 17: - No Glove, No Love

Victoria Chase: I hate hardware stores.
Joy Scroggs: Me too. It's all just stuff you need; nothing you ever want.
04x17 - No Glove, No Love Season 4 / Episode 17: - No Glove, No Love

Jenna: How's the baby? Did you come up with a name yet?
Melanie Moretti: Too Tired.
Jenna: That's all right; you've got time.
Melanie Moretti: No, that's her name: Too Tired. When the nurse asked me what to put down all I could say was 'too tired' and I just didn't have the energy to correct her.
Jenna: My friend's mum had a late baby too. Her name is Why God Why.
04x17 - No Glove, No Love Season 4 / Episode 17: - No Glove, No Love

Victoria Chase: These English instructions are worse than the French ones. What or who is Allen Wrench? This stupid car has more pieces than the puppet theater. And it needs two D batteries; where are we going to get those?


Joy Scroggs: Fine. I'll take them out of my... personal back massager.
04x17 - No Glove, No Love Season 4 / Episode 17: - No Glove, No Love

Joy Scroggs: Stupid glue. I can't get this wine-glass out of my hand.
Elka Ostrovsky: Well, that's how you look eighty percent of the day anyway.
04x17 - No Glove, No Love Season 4 / Episode 17: - No Glove, No Love

Victoria Chase: Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?
Elka Ostrovsky: Food.
Victoria Chase: But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.
Joy Scroggs: Oh no, the instructions are in French.
Elka Ostrovsky: What's French for 'puppets are creepy'? [Victoria has picked up a puppet] It looks just like you.
Joy Scroggs: There is a resemblance.
Victoria Chase: What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.
Melanie Moretti: [Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?
04x17 - No Glove, No Love Season 4 / Episode 17: - No Glove, No Love

Melanie Moretti: Wow! These toys are really vintage, and kind of inappropriate. Drunken Irish Potato-Head?
Elka Ostrovsky: They had a great slogan. I-rish I was drinkin'.
04x17 - No Glove, No Love Season 4 / Episode 17: - No Glove, No Love

Alec: So? What? This is good-bye?
Melanie Moretti: Yeah, I guess it is. [long pause] Although we do live and work together.
Alec: So this is going to be sad *and* awkward.
Melanie Moretti: How about we just deal with sad tonight and awkward tomorrow?
Alec: Okay. [he kisses her cheek] Good night, Mel. [he starts to leave but returns] We're going to have to deal with a little of the awkward right now. You have the keys.


Melanie Moretti: Hey, Jenna. It's mom. No. No, everything's okay. I just, just really wanted to talk to my baby. So, what's new? Aaah, oh wow, you're kidding! That's great. It's just great. No, no, I got time. Yeah, I just... want to hear everything.
04x09 - The Conversation Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Conversation

Emmet: To you.
Victoria Chase: And you. I'd give you a standing O, but we already did that in the shower.
Nikki: [knocking] Emmet, I know you're in there!
Emmet: Oh, no.
Victoria Chase: Who is it?
Emmet: Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. She has bat-like hearing.
Nikki: I heard that. [Nikki enters] Emmet, we need to talk.
Victoria Chase: Excuse me, but who are you to barge into my trailer?
Nikki: I'm his wife. Who the hell are you?
04x09 - The Conversation Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Conversation

Melanie Moretti: Talk to him. People say that communication is the key to any relationship.
Victoria Chase: People don't say that; women say that. Lonely women whose boyfriends have left them because they always want to talk about the relationship.
04x09 - The Conversation Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Conversation

Melanie Moretti: Helping him out is the nice thing to do, the Cleveland thing to do.
Elka Ostrovsky: Well, even in Cleveland there's a line. It's not like Dayton, where anything goes.
04x09 - The Conversation Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Conversation

Ye'arj: Well, thank you for your hospitality. Oh, here. [places parcel on table] Take this one.
Melanie Moretti: Oh, but, it's addressed to the Thompsons.
Ye'arj: Ah, you know how sometimes you forget to tip the mailman, and you think it doesn't matter?
Melanie Moretti: Yeah...
Ye'arj: It always matters.
04x08 - Extras Season 4 / Episode 8: - Extras

Joy Scroggs: Say 'Nana'. Say 'Nana', Wilbur, 'Nana'.
Elka Ostrovsky: It's official. Men of *all* ages ignore you.
Joy Scroggs: Look, some of the other babies in Wilbur's play group have already started talking. Actually, I was getting a little embarrassed so I knocked a few months off his age.
Mamie-Sue Johnson: You lied about a baby's age?
Victoria Chase: Ah, I wish my mother had done that for me. But, no... I'm a self-made thirty-something.
04x08 - Extras Season 4 / Episode 8: - Extras

Melanie Moretti: How do I look?
Elka Ostrovsky: You're giving off a Joy vibe.
Melanie Moretti: Oh no, I don't want to look that slutty.
04x08 - Extras Season 4 / Episode 8: - Extras

Melanie Moretti: I'm just a nice, ordinary girl who wants a nice, ordinary orgasm.
04x08 - Extras Season 4 / Episode 8: - Extras

Alec: [in their office] You faked it with me? Both times? Lock the door!
Melanie Moretti: Wait! Here, now?
Alec: Well, we can't go to my place; the workmen are still repairing the hole you kicked in the wall.
04x08 - Extras Season 4 / Episode 8: - Extras

Melanie Moretti: Anyway, I want to look a little slutty. Tonight's the big night with Alec. And it has to be perfect. *I* have to be perfect. So I spent all day getting prepped, and tweezed, and waxed. My whole body's as smooth as a porpoise. [Emmet has entered] Oh, hi. Emmet. I didn't know you were here.
Emmet: No need for embarrassment. Go on, you were saying: you're as smooth as a porpoise.
Melanie Moretti: Men like that, right?
Emmet: Well, it all depends. Sometimes you like the tightly mown lawn of an English country garden, and sometimes you like the steamy jungle of the Amazon rain forest.
Melanie Moretti: Oh no! What if Alec's an Amazon guy, and I destroyed the rain forest?
Emmet: Men are not nearly as judgmental as you think. We care more about response, and enthusiasm. If you like the show, let us know.
Elka Ostrovsky: Especially if you want an encore.
04x08 - Extras Season 4 / Episode 8: - Extras

Victoria Chase: You fake porned him?
Melanie Moretti: I fake porned him.
Joy Scroggs: Why?
Melanie Moretti: I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.
Victoria Chase: You set the sex bar way too high.
Melanie Moretti: I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.
Joy Scroggs: And you can't go back; it's like tipping. Once you go thirty percent you can't go back to twenty. You have to fake your own death and find a new manicurist.
04x08 - Extras Season 4 / Episode 8: - Extras

Joy Scroggs: Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?
Mamie-Sue Johnson: Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.
Joy Scroggs: Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.
Baby Wilbur: Nana.
Joy Scroggs: Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.
Mamie-Sue Johnson: Well, actually his first word wa...
Elka Ostrovsky: Zip it.
Victoria Chase: I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.
Joy Scroggs: Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.
Baby Wilbur: TV.
Melanie Moretti: Did he just say 'TV'?
Elka Ostrovsky: I heard 'Nana'.
Baby Wilbur: TV.
Elka Ostrovsky: That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.
Joy Scroggs: Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.
Baby Wilbur: Crap!
Elka Ostrovsky: That is us watching our language.
Joy Scroggs: That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.
Baby Wilbur: Bitch!
Elka Ostrovsky: I got nothing.
04x07 - Magic Diet Candy Season 4 / Episode 7: - Magic Diet Candy

Reverend Lare: Stop! One at a time, tell me what the hell just happened in my church.

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