¬ ANNOUNCEMENT: Television is back! Check out the Fall Premiere Guide to see all the major shows airing this week.
Type
Scripted
Premiered
Sep. 15, 1965
Status
Canceled/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
CBS TV Network
Genre

Top Contributors


Characters: #7 of 15 (Full List)

Previous Next

Fred Ziffel Green Acres

Fred Ziffel

Add to My Characters
  Played by:
Hank PattersonHank Patterson
Hank Patterson was born in Springville, Alabama to Green and Mary Newton Patterson. Hank's great-grandfather, ...

« Back to Character Profile

Fred Ziffel Quotes

06x22 - The Carpenter's Ball Season 6 / Episode 22: - The Carpenter's Ball

Sam Drucker: [Haney claims that Lisa and Hank are running off to Acapulco] That's nonsense. Mrs. Douglas isn't that kind of a woman.
Eustace Charleton Haney: That's what they said about Cleopatra just before she run off with Richard Burton.
Sam Drucker: Cleopatra didn't...
Fred Ziffel: I still can't figure why she picked Hank Kimball.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, I've heard he has a certain animal attraction.
Fred Ziffel: Well, I never seen no dogs runnin' after him.
06x06 - The Great Mayoralty Campaign Season 6 / Episode 6: - The Great Mayoralty Campaign

Eustace Charleton Haney: [noting Lisa's sex appeal] All your wife has to do to get the men folk to vote for her is to campaign in one of her fluffy neg-luh-gees.
Hank Kimball: I got an idea. Why don't we put Mr. Douglas in a neg-luh-gee?
Fred Ziffel: Aww, nawh. I've seen him in a neg-luh-gee. He don't do a thing to me.
06x06 - The Great Mayoralty Campaign Season 6 / Episode 6: - The Great Mayoralty Campaign

Eustace Charleton Haney: [on Lisa's sexiness] That's right. All your wife has to do to get the menfolk to vote for her is to campaign in one of them fluffy "negligees" of hers.
Hank Kimball: I got an idea. Why don't we put Mr. Douglas in a "negligee?"
Fred Ziffel: Ah, nawh. I've seen him in a "negligee." He don't do a thing to me.
06x06 - The Great Mayoralty Campaign Season 6 / Episode 6: - The Great Mayoralty Campaign

Fred Ziffel: [planning campaign strategy] We've got to change your image.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: To what?
Fred Ziffel: To something less gruesome.
04x01 - Guess Who's Not Going to the Luau? Season 4 / Episode 1: - Guess Who's Not Going to the Luau?

Fred Ziffel: [to Mr. Robertson] Say, what part of Europe is Ha-why-ya in?
03x19 - How to Succeed in Television Without Really Trying Season 3 / Episode 19: - How to Succeed in Television Without Really Trying

Doris Ziffel: [Dilly's camera broadcasts Oliver in his barn over area TV sets] It's Mr. Douglas!
Fred Ziffel: I didn't know he had his own TV show?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to his cow] Eleanor, will you - Moooooo!
Doris Ziffel: What kind of show is that?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know. Looks like he's giving the cow mooing lessons.
03x19 - How to Succeed in Television Without Really Trying Season 3 / Episode 19: - How to Succeed in Television Without Really Trying

Fred Ziffel: [Dilly's cam now telecasts the Douglas' bedroom] What are you watching?
Sam Drucker: Mr. Douglas getting undressed.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, has he got a nighttime show, too? Then I hope it's better than his afternoon show. Them imitations he done were pretty bad.
03x03 - Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel Season 3 / Episode 3: - Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel

Fred Ziffel: [angry when Arnold the Pig begins to bark] Did you hear that? Why, that hussy has taught him to bark like a dog.
Doris Ziffel: Well, it doesn't hurt for somebody to know another language.
03x03 - Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel Season 3 / Episode 3: - Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel

Fred Ziffel: [Lisa and Oliver start arguing in front of the Ziffels] Mr. Douglas, if we'd wanted to listen to fight, we'd have stayed at home.
03x03 - Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel Season 3 / Episode 3: - Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel

Oliver Douglas: Why don't you go over and see Mr. Haney and ask him to keep his dog away?
Fred Ziffel: No, no, no, I don't talk to him.
Doris Ziffel: No, they've been feuding for ten years.
Oliver Douglas: What about?
Fred Ziffel: Oh, I forget. But it must have been something pretty terrible, to make me remember it this long.
Oliver Douglas: Well, that makes about as much sense as anything that's been said here today.
Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas, now we don't want into sarcasm. What we want is advice.
02x27 - Kimball Gets Fired Season 2 / Episode 27: - Kimball Gets Fired

Sam Drucker: [about Schmidlapp] What'd he say to make you mad, Mr. Douglas?
Oliver Douglas: He knocked my corn.
Newt Kiley: Oh, he shouldn't a done that...
Fred Ziffel: No. Them skinny stalks couldn't stand much knockin'.
02x22 - Never Start Talking Unless Your Voice Comes Out Season 2 / Episode 22: - Never Start Talking Unless Your Voice Comes Out

Newt Kiley: Hey, this letter's from Washington D.C. What's that there 'D.C.' stand for?
Fred Ziffel: Department of Congress.
Newt Kiley: Oh. I, I knew it had something to do with the government.
02x21 - The Computer Age Season 2 / Episode 21: - The Computer Age

Fred Ziffel: Hold it! Ain't nobody gonna pay no attention to what's going on as long as they got them names up there. [the writers credits are superimposed over Fred, Sam and Hank]
02x21 - The Computer Age Season 2 / Episode 21: - The Computer Age

Fred Ziffel: Well, I don't need no computer to tell me what to do. I've got Doris.
Hank Kimball: She too can be replaced by a computer.
Fred Ziffel: Well, I'll drink to that, but not the rest of it.
02x21 - The Computer Age Season 2 / Episode 21: - The Computer Age

Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas, I ask you: do you believe it's possible for one o' them computers to tell us farmers what to plant?
Oliver Douglas: Yes, it is.
Fred Ziffel: Well, if you believe that, you're a bigger fruitcake then he is. [indicating Hank Kimball]
Oliver Douglas: Mr. Ziffel, I...
Fred Ziffel: You're suffering from swiffeled raisins.
Oliver Douglas: There is nothing wrong with my raisins!
Hank Kimball: I'll drink to that.
02x13 - An Old Fashioned Christmas Season 2 / Episode 13: - An Old Fashioned Christmas

Doris Ziffel: Mrs. Douglas came over here this afternoon and wanted to know how to make a fruitcake. And it's been so long since I made one, I had to look up the recipe.
Fred Ziffel: Is she gonna make a fruitcake for Mr. Douglas?
Doris Ziffel: She sure is.
Fred Ziffel: Doris, that could make you an accessory to manslaughter.
02x13 - An Old Fashioned Christmas Season 2 / Episode 13: - An Old Fashioned Christmas

Eb Dawson: Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe!
Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?
02x09 - The Hooterville Image Season 2 / Episode 9: - The Hooterville Image

Lisa Douglas: How do you like Oliver's overalls?
Floyd Smoot: Wow. Italian silk!
Newt Kiley: Real fur!
Charley Pratt: Gold buttons, with 'Beat Princeton' writ on 'em.
Floyd Smoot: I reckon we know when we're being funned at.
Fred Ziffel: Yeah, looks like the war is on again.
02x06 - One of Our Assemblymen is Missing Season 2 / Episode 6: - One of Our Assemblymen is Missing

Oliver Wendell Douglas: The last time you had election for assemblyman, who ran from this district?
Sam Drucker: I did.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh?
Sam Drucker: I was defeated.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who ran against you?
Sam Drucker: Nobody.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: And you lost?
Sam Drucker: No.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well then you won?
Sam Drucker: No.


Sam Drucker: No, you see, election day is the first Tuesday after the first Monday in September. But the word got around it was the first first Monday after the first Tuesday and that's when everybody showed up. And by that time, it was too late.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When was this?
Fred Ziffel: 1922.
02x03 - I Didn't Raise My Pig to Be a Soldier Season 2 / Episode 3: - I Didn't Raise My Pig to Be a Soldier

Doris Ziffel: [holding up a see-through negligé] Mrs. Douglas gave it to me.
Fred Ziffel: No wonder, it's full of holes!
01x27 - Never Look a Gift Tractor in the Mouth Season 1 / Episode 27: - Never Look a Gift Tractor in the Mouth

Fred Ziffel: Come on, Doris!
Doris Ziffel: I'm walking as fast as I can! The least you could do, is help me carry these groceries.
Fred Ziffel: Well I have to eat 'em, ain't that enough?
01x24 - The Deputy Season 1 / Episode 24: - The Deputy

Oliver Douglas: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The community has to have law and order!
Newt Kiley: Eh... this gonna be a long speech, Mr. Douglas?
Oliver Douglas: Eh, well I, no, I...
Fred Ziffel: Better sit down, Newt. It usually is.
01x23 - A Pig In a Poke Season 1 / Episode 23: - A Pig In a Poke

Fred Ziffel: [discussing their son/pig Arnold] Yeah, he's got good manners and he's clean.
Doris Ziffel: [tearfully] He's such a comfort to us.
Fred Ziffel: Yeah, Mr. Douglas, he's a good pig. He just sits there all day and watches television.
Doris Ziffel: Don't even bother us to turn it on for him.
01x23 - A Pig In a Poke Season 1 / Episode 23: - A Pig In a Poke

Fred Ziffel: [knocks on the Douglass' door very softly] They ain't home, lets go shoot Haney.
01x14 - What Happened in Scranton? Season 1 / Episode 14: - What Happened in Scranton?

Lisa Douglas: Mr. Ziffel, when was it the last time that you told your wife that she was beautiful?
Fred Ziffel: 1929.
01x09 - You Can't Plug In a 2 With a 6 Season 1 / Episode 9: - You Can't Plug In a 2 With a 6

Fred Ziffel: [advising Oliver what to plant] Mr. Douglas, take the advice of a man who's been farming for 40 years. Don't fly in the face of Doris' lumbago.
01x07 - Neighborliness Season 1 / Episode 7: - Neighborliness

Newt Kiley: [Lisa come out onto the front porch] Doggone! You sure look purddy, Mrs. Douglas.
Lisa Douglas: Why, thank you!
Fred Ziffel: Oh, I wish my wife looked that pretty in the morning... or the afternoon... or the evening... or in the summer.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.
Oliver Douglas: Are you sure?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Eustace Charleton Haney: [as he and Mr. Ziffel are going into Oliver's house] Make sure you wipe yer feet.
Fred Ziffel: You don't ever wipe YOUR feet!
Eustace Charleton Haney: That's 'cause I don't own a pig farm.

Previous: Hank Kimball Next: Newt Kiley
You are successfully logged out.
login
[close]

ShareTV Login

Username
Password
Enter the text in the image shown if you are human.
WARNING: after 2 more failed attempts you will be locked out
[close]

Create Account

Username
Password
Verify Password
EMAIL

Verification code (check your email for the verification code)

Verification code has been sent to the following email address:
If you didn't receive the verification code:

1. Check your bulk/spam folder.

2. Try to whitelist our email address (noreply@sharetv.org)

3. Resend verification email

If you mistyped your email address change it here
Create a free ShareTV account to make a personalized schedule of your favorite TV shows, keep track of what you've watched, earn points and more.
Verify your username and email to complete your Registration
Enter the text in the image shown if you are human.
WARNING: after 2 more failed attempts you will be locked out
[close]

Forgot Your Password?

EMAIL
Enter the email address you used to create the account and your password will be emailed to you.