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Hermes Conrad Futurama

Hermes Conrad

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  Played by:
Phil LaMarrPhil LaMarr
LaMarr was born in [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Los_Angeles,_California]Los Angeles, California[/url]. ...

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Hermes Conrad Quotes

06x06 - Lethal Inspection Season 6 / Episode 6: - Lethal Inspection

Hermes Conrad: Forget it, Bender. He's obviously long gone.
Bender: [Pointing to iguana] Oh, yeah? Maybe that's him in a costume. [Picks up iguana] Come out of there, or I'll squeeze you out like Tijuana toothpaste.
06x05 - The Duh-Vinci Code Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Duh-Vinci Code

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery in history. We must go to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
Hermes Conrad: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: To the ship!
06x04 - Proposition Infinity Season 6 / Episode 4: - Proposition Infinity

Dr. Zoidberg: [while inspecting Amy's engagement ring from Bender] Such a stone! Is it real? [Amy carves a circle in Zoidberg's shell] Hooray!
Professor Farnsworth: Hooray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal?
Turanga Leela: Not in Space Massachusetts.
Bender: You mean Space Tax-achusetts? No chance, judge-pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
Hermes Conrad: Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!
Amy Wong: We're talking about robosexual marriage.
Hermes Conrad: We're talking about lots of stuff.
06x04 - Proposition Infinity Season 6 / Episode 4: - Proposition Infinity

Turanga Leela: Is everybody in position?
Amy Wong: What?
Dr. Zoidberg: is someone talking?
Turanga Leela: Okay, good. On three. One...
Hermes Conrad: What did she say?
Turanga Leela: Two...
Bender: Wait! I'm not in position!
Turanga Leela: Three!
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm ready for the countdown!
Turanga Leela: I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!
Philip J. Fry: She said go!
06x03 - Attack of the Killer App Season 6 / Episode 3: - Attack of the Killer App

Hermes Conrad: Play it one more time.
Prof. Hubert Farnsworth: No. It's humiliating and degrading to Leela. Play it ten more times.
06x02 - In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela Season 6 / Episode 2: - In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela

Hermes Conrad: So you're saying this thing is censoring planets?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we don't keep in in our collective pants. The only way to save Earth is to convince its citizens to repent their sinful ways.
Amy Wong: [Wearing S&M gear] So the orgy is off?
06x01 - Rebirth Season 6 / Episode 1: - Rebirth

Bender: Yeah, we're back. [All cheer]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel
Dr. Zoidberg: [Chuckles] How humorous.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, it's sort of a comedy central channel, and we're on it now.
Amy Wong: [after a pause] I get it!
05x15 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television Season 5 / Episode 15: - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
Hermes Conrad: That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.
05x15 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television Season 5 / Episode 15: - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television

Hermes Conrad: There's enough cool stuff here to furnish a happening pad. Where did it all come from?
Tinny Tim: Don't tell, comrades. All for one and one for all.
Dwight Conrad: We stole it!
Tinny Tim: Oh, crumb.
05x15 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television Season 5 / Episode 15: - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: There'll be no further nasty! We still have the option of resorting to violence.
Hermes Conrad: What makes you think that'll work?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon. How cool is that?
05x11 - Three Hundred Big Boys Season 5 / Episode 11: - Three Hundred Big Boys

Hermes Conrad: Dwight, the boots only cost me 299 dollars and 99 cents. Here, you spend the penny on whatever you want.
Dwight Conrad: Thanks, dad. I think I'll invest it on five shares of Amazon.com.
Hermes Conrad: A risk taker. That's my boy.
05x11 - Three Hundred Big Boys Season 5 / Episode 11: - Three Hundred Big Boys

Hermes Conrad: With a warning label this big, you know it has to be fun.
05x10 - The Farnsworth Parabox Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Farnsworth Parabox

Hermes Conrad: Sweet honey bee of infinity!
05x10 - The Farnsworth Parabox Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Farnsworth Parabox

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hermes! Don't press that button!
Hermes Conrad: [short pause] Okay!
05x10 - The Farnsworth Parabox Season 5 / Episode 10: - The Farnsworth Parabox

Hermes Conrad: Like my grammy always said, if you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself. God rest her zombie bones.
05x09 - The Sting Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Sting

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?
Hermes Conrad: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes Conrad: No, no, no.
05x09 - The Sting Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Sting

LaBarbara Conrad: Husband, can't you go anywhere without lighting something up?
Hermes Conrad: It's an old Jamaican accounting tradition. We burn his timecard. That way, his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final paycheck.
05x07 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles Season 5 / Episode 7: - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles

Hermes Conrad: Are you back to your original age, professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Even older. Huzzah!
05x06 - Less Than Hero Season 5 / Episode 6: - Less Than Hero

Turanga Leela: I'm getting a one-day pass for my parents from city hall.
Hermes Conrad: While you're there, can you get me a license to kill?
Turanga Leela: Sure. Fire arms of bare hands?
Hermes Conrad: Which one does piano wire fall under?
05x04 - A Taste of Freedom Season 5 / Episode 4: - A Taste of Freedom

Fry: So what is Freedom Day? Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.
Dr. Zoidberg: No. It's a fabulous, crabulous day!
Amy Wong: If you wanna do something, you do it, and to splick with the consequences.
Bender: You know, like how I live every day. [trips up Hermes]
Hermes Conrad: Happy Freedom Day! Ow, I think I broke my wrist.
05x03 - The Route of All Evil Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Route of All Evil

Dr. Zoidberg: What is this? Angry shouting or hearing-aid-busted shouting?
Hermes Conrad: I'm afraid it's both.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [shouting] What?
05x03 - The Route of All Evil Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Route of All Evil

Hermes Conrad: [angrily] You rotten kids!


Hermes Conrad: Uh, will you be hiring?
Dwight Conrad: No.
Hermes Conrad: [angrily] You rotten kids!
05x03 - The Route of All Evil Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Route of All Evil

Dwight Conrad: Can I use the gun?
Hermes Conrad: What kind of father would I be if I said no?
05x03 - The Route of All Evil Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Route of All Evil

Hermes Conrad: Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg!
05x01 - Crimes of the Hot Season 5 / Episode 1: - Crimes of the Hot

Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it?
Bender: Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself, like poor little Shelly here.
Hermes Conrad: What could you possibly have in common with that walking soup mix?
Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell but live a rich inner life. And also... well, you know.
Leela: You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?
Bender: No, it's just... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.
Fry: What? I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.
Bender: Those times I was slightly on my side.
05x01 - Crimes of the Hot Season 5 / Episode 1: - Crimes of the Hot

Hermes Conrad: Strange, you haven't acted this suspicious since I found those "ape bones" in the basement.
04x09 - Futurestock Season 4 / Episode 9: - Futurestock

Hermes Conrad: We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil! Ours is small and neutral!
That Guy: Switzerland is small and neutral! We are more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!
Amy Wong: Look, everyone wants to be more like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of will?
04x05 - Leela's Homeworld Season 4 / Episode 5: - Leela's Homeworld

Hermes Conrad: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste.
Fry: What does it taste like?
Hermes Conrad: Delicious fig pudding. Oh, that's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.
04x05 - Leela's Homeworld Season 4 / Episode 5: - Leela's Homeworld

Hermes Conrad: I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.
Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.
03x14 - Time Keeps on Slipping Season 3 / Episode 14: - Time Keeps on Slipping

Leela: I dont know how you did it, Fry, but once again you screwed up. Now every galaxy is gonna be cracking wise about our mamas.


Hermes Conrad: I'm just glad my fat ugly mama is not alive to see this.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes.

Previous: Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth Next: Zapp Brannigan
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