Steve Urkel: Care to mop my brow?
Laura: Forget it.
Steve Urkel: No sweat, my pet?
Laura: In your dreams.
Steve Urkel: Hey, this is my dream!
Laura: Well, then not even in your dreams.
Steve Urkel: I can't believe this! I'm being rejected in my own fantasy.
Judge Vance: All right, young man, call your first witness.
Steve Urkel: Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo Faldo!
Waldo: Okay, but I'm not home.
Carl: I needed a good laugh.
Steve Urkel: You know, every time you laugh you burn off three and a half calories?
Carl: Maybe I should laugh a little bit more, huh?
Steve Urkel: Oh, Laura, my love. The wind has chapped my lips. Would you care to heal them with a kiss?
Boyd Higgins: Name's Boyd Higgins, but ym friends call me Buck!
Eddie: Name's Eddie Winslow, but my friends call me... Eddie.
Rodney Beckett: I'm Rodney, but my friends call me Rod-meister.
Steve Urkel: And I'm Steve Urkel! And I don't get many calls!
Steve Urkel: I bought two tickets to a concert that Laura wants to go to and offered to take her as my, get this, date!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Ooh, that's nice!
Steve Urkel: Well, no, it's not nice!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: It's not?
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura doesn't want a date with me.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Are you sure?
Steve Urkel: Oh, positive. Shen I suggested it, her lovely eyes were momentarily clouded with nausea.
Steve Urkel: I've never tried out for athletics before and the equipment list says that every guy should wear a cup.
Coach Westfield: That's right.
Steve Urkel: Well, I didn't have one. So, is it all right with you? I'm wearing a Bart Simpson's mug.
Carl: What's up?
Steve Urkel: Well, actually, this is Eddie's story. All you'll hear from me is an occasional, 'Mmmhmm, that's right.'
Eddie: That's enough, Steve.
Steve Urkel: Mmmhmm, that's right.
Carl: There is a guy on our couch who says I remember him, but I don't remember him.
Harriette: Well, tell him you don't remember him.
Carl: I can't tell him I don't remember him! Because, I already told him I do remember him. So, if I tell him I don't remember him, I'll look like a jerk and I still won't remember him.
Harriette: Well, if he remembers you, he's used to you looking like a jerk.
Carl: Uh-oh. That's Lt. Murtaugh. This could be an emergency and I'm not even dressed yet! [runs upstairs]
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Carl hasn't moved that fast since he chased a doughnut down hill.
Laura: How long have we known each other?
Steve Urkel: Nine years, three months, two weeks, four days, six hours, eight minutes, and fourteen seconds... fifteen seconds... sixteen seconds.
Eddie: Look at those beaches.
Laura: Look a those sunsets.
Rachel Crawford: Look at those men.
Carl: Look at that buffet.
Laura: Look, I owe you an apology. The only reason I asked you to be my partner was because I was worried about my grade. When I said my feelings for you might change, I was lying. And I'm sorry.
Steve Urkel: So, you used me! You trifled with my emotions! I offered you my heart and you stomped that sucker flat!
Steve Urkel: No biggie!
Steve Urkel: [entering] Hi gang! [shocked] Laura!... Bazooms! [faints]
Steve Urkel: I have a spectacular evening planned!
Laura: We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight. First of all, this is not a real date. It's a "non-date". Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Third, if you touch me at any time, the "non-date" is over.
Steve Urkel: Well, what if you trip or something?
Laura: Just let me fall! The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.
Steve Urkel: [reading] "No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling". Who does these things? They're disgusting. Where do I sign?
Eddie: Did Halle Berry return my phone call?
Harriette: Something on this planet!
Lt. Murtaugh: Keep the pace, Mr. Backwards Hat!
Carl: 3, 2, 1... 1, 2, 3... What the heck is bothering me?
Carl: Go home, Steve.
Steve Urkel: But Carl...
Carl: Go home, Steve!
Steve Urkel: Now, Big Guy...
Carl: Go home! Go home! Go home!
Steve Urkel: I don't have to take this! I'm going home!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Way to go Carl!
Steve Urkel: My "play-ground pass"? How much will that cost me?
Baby Girl: We'll take all you've got.
Steve Urkel: But, that's all I've got!
Eddie: Hey Waldo, how do I look?
Waldo: With your eyes.
Harriette: [sobbing] Clint is driving off and Meryl will never see him again! Isn't that sad?
Carl: I'll tell you what's sad Harriette, I've watched two full hours of the "Bridges Of Madison County" and Clint didn't blow up one bridge!
Laura: Get a life, Steve!
Steve Urkel: All right! This is fantastic!
Laura: What are you so happy about?
Steve Urkel: You said, "Get a life, Steve", A week ago you would have said, "Get a life, TURBONERD". I'm wearin' you down baby, I'm wearin' you DOWWWWNN!
Steve Urkel: Got any cheese?
Laura: Steve Urkel, you are the most annoying human being that I have ever met!
Steve Urkel: [Talking to Eddie and his girlfriend] You heard her, you're all witnesses. She actually said, "Human Being". She's mine!
Steve Urkel: Oh, Gosh golly, Jeepers Creepers. Should I be getting some Handi-Wipes?
Laura and Maxine: Stay out of this!
Steve Urkel: [while Laura and Maxine hit Steve with two Boston Cream Pies] No, AAH!, WAAAH! And I just got the wax sucked out of my ears!
Steve Urkel: State your name.
Steve Urkel: No... state your name... not name your state.
Waldo: Oh, Waldo Faldo... from Illinois.
Steve Urkel: [ice pack on his head from a hangover, Carl just told him a story from his drinking days] Eh he he, ow, eh he he ow, [snorts] WHOOAAOOH! Never snort with a hangover!
Waldo: What are you doing, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: I'm gonna get Urkel!
Waldo: But, why ya gonna do that, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: Because, he humiliated me!
Waldo: But, you humiliate me every day.
Willie Fuffner: [sigh] That's different. You're my friend.
Waldo: Oh yeah.