Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

04x25 - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives Season 4 / Episode 25: - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives

Jasper: Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious: total kitsch, like an Andy Warhol wet-dream. I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous!
Stewie Griffin: You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny: talking about earrings and using words like 'fabulous' and 'delicious' and 'wet'? Uch!-what's next: a workout followed by a romp around a crowded room whilst the music goes... [makes the sound of a heavy bass beat similar to dance music, whilst Jasper and Ricardo dance in the background: they look confused when Stewie stops the beat] ?
Jasper: Oh, why d'you stop?
04x23 - Deep Throats Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats

Lois Griffin: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is fun? Watching "Mr. Belvedere" without people talking so loud.
Lois Griffin: So I was thinking we could...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] STREAKS ON THE CHINA NEVER MATTERED BEFORE! WHO CARED! WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!
04x23 - Deep Throats Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats

Stewie Griffin: [sighs] Trying to watch "Mr. Belvedere".
Chris Griffin: So, my advice to the two of you would be...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] ACCORDING TO OUR NEW ARRIVAL, LIFE IS MORE THAN MERE SURVIVAL. AND WE JUST MIGHT LIVE THE GOOD LIFE YET. DUN-DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-DUN-DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-DA-NA-NA-DA!
04x23 - Deep Throats Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats

Stewie Griffin: You're so pretty... You're always pretty.
04x23 - Deep Throats Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats

Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to...


Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up?
Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter.
Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is. [laughs] He's so short.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short.


Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude.
Peter Griffin: Who were those guys?
Lois Griffin: I don't know.
Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!
04x23 - Deep Throats Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats

Stewie Griffin: I feel more delirious than my cousin Stewie Cruise.
Stewie Griffin: [Jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch] I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
04x22 - Sibling Rivalry Season 4 / Episode 22: - Sibling Rivalry

Stewie Griffin: [Lois is worried she's pregnant] Hmm, Lois pregnant. I didn't think the fat man still had that kind of marksmanship.
04x21 - I Take Thee, Quagmire Season 4 / Episode 21: - I Take Thee, Quagmire

Stewie Griffin: You call those cheap implants "boobs"? They're LIES!
04x21 - I Take Thee, Quagmire Season 4 / Episode 21: - I Take Thee, Quagmire

Stewie Griffin: I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.


Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, what's this word?
Lois Griffin: "Evel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Knievel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... was..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... born..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... in..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Montana."
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?
04x21 - I Take Thee, Quagmire Season 4 / Episode 21: - I Take Thee, Quagmire

Stewie Griffin: By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? They're not boobs! They're LIES!
04x21 - I Take Thee, Quagmire Season 4 / Episode 21: - I Take Thee, Quagmire

Lois Griffin: [trying to wean Stewie off breast milk] Tonight we're going to try formula instead.


Stewie Griffin: Ugh! That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.


Peter Griffin: So, who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball.


Brian Griffin: It's like a walrus flossing.
04x20 - Patriot Games Season 4 / Episode 20: - Patriot Games

Stewie Griffin: Well, all's well that ends well, eh, Brian?
Brian Griffin: You shot me in both legs and lit me on fire. Piss off.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, come on! Well, I guess you're right. Alright, I'll tell you what: you can take one free hit, okay?
Brian Griffin: Okay. But I'm not going to tell you when I'm going to take it.
Stewie Griffin: [scared, after a pause] What?
04x19 - Brian Sings and Swings Season 4 / Episode 19: - Brian Sings and Swings

Stewie Griffin: Hey Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, a lot of hungry deer out at this time of night. Oh, this is where the story gets interesting. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear. I managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-11. So when you're ready to apologize to me just talk into this cup.
04x19 - Brian Sings and Swings Season 4 / Episode 19: - Brian Sings and Swings

Brian Griffin: Hey, what's the point in waiting? You gotta live life while you can, and live it hard.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, the Chris Farley method, that's good.
04x19 - Brian Sings and Swings Season 4 / Episode 19: - Brian Sings and Swings

Stewie Griffin: Urgh, if he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again.
Dan LaFontaine: [Picture of Stewie on screen] One's a baby. [Picture of The Rock on screen] and the other's... black. I think. At least part black. Or... Hispanic, I think. You know, possibly there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean if he - if he's black, it's definitely diluted. I mean one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba for that matter? If I were forty years younger I would plow that till next July.
04x16 - The Courtship of Stewie's Father Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Courtship of Stewie's Father

Stewie Griffin: Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.
04x15 - Brian Goes Back to College Season 4 / Episode 15: - Brian Goes Back to College

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] Oh come on, plenty of people cheat! [ cut to Ashley Simpson about to sing, deep voiced soul song comes on, Ashley Simpson panics and jigs off the stange]
04x15 - Brian Goes Back to College Season 4 / Episode 15: - Brian Goes Back to College

Stewie Griffin: [after making Brian smell his armpit] Tell me that's not Epic!
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Stewie Griffin: Good Day to you sir. And now prepare to die.
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile] Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!
Stewie Griffin: [cowering in a corner] Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.


Peter Griffin: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.
Brian Griffin: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.
Stewie Griffin: And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC.
Brian Griffin: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.
Peter Griffin: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.
Stewie Griffin: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.
Brian Griffin: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.
Stewie Griffin: I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!
04x13 - Jungle Love Season 4 / Episode 13: - Jungle Love

Stewie Griffin: Do the women there have exposed clitterati?
04x12 - Perfect Castaway Season 4 / Episode 12: - Perfect Castaway

Stewie Griffin: Oh, bitch! You got jacked, bitch!
04x11 - Peter's Got Woods Season 4 / Episode 11: - Peter's Got Woods

Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.


Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?

04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Stewie Griffin: [in an office in Stewie's Bedroom] Uh, Brian, that coffee mug that you have that says, "Life's a beach"... that's dangerously close to the word "bitch", isn't it?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's the joke.
Stewie Griffin: Yes - and believe me. no one appreciates a good joke like Stewie - but, someof the other employees have found it offensive.
Brian Griffin: Other employees? Who else works here?
Stewie Griffin: [bleep] you! That's who else works here!
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Stewie Griffin: Oh, and tell Cookie Monster not to phone me until he finishes rehab.
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Brian Griffin: Come on, Stewie, let's go.
Stewie Griffin: [going through envelopes] Yes, yes, I'm just checking the mail. I say, here's one from the vet.
Brian Griffin: [trying in vain to catch the letter from Stewie's hands] Give me that!
Stewie Griffin: [after reading the letter] Good Lord! Worms? You have worms?
Brian Griffin: I don't have worms, allright? I just got checked for worms. [reading himself the letter] Oh, wait, no, I do have worms. Oh God! Oh, wh - - what am I gonna do? I can't afford the medication for this.
Stewie Griffin: Well, you could ask Lois and the fat one.
Brian Griffin: No! No! No... you... you cannot tell them about this, please. Peter is not very discreet for private matters. [... ] Just please, don't tell them
Stewie Griffin: You know? Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride and little more about the creepy-crawlies Shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Brian Griffin: [dressed-up as a woman, walking up and down Lois and Peter's bedroom] Uh, I have so much to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I'm so busy. Better hurry.
Stewie Griffin: [entering the room] Lois, I want my graham crack - - [realizing he's talking to Brian in drag] Oh...
Brian Griffin: [stops walking] Hey...
Stewie Griffin: Hey... are you playing a little dress-up?
Brian Griffin: Yeah...
Stewie Griffin: Yeah... Good. It's fun to pretend. Hum... so, listen, if you see Lois, tell her...
Brian Griffin: ...Graham cracker.
Stewie Griffin: Graham cracker, yes, yes, that's... that's it. Hum... all right. So... I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else [exit backwards]
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Stewie Griffin: So, um... this is uh... awkward, but uh... have we ever actually, you know, *met*? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm... you know thats something to think abou... [burps] Oops, just burped.
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Liddane: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
Liddane: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man!


Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
Liddane: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.


Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?


Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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