Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing continued] We're too different to ever be pals... You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
Brian Griffin: Your head's as massive as a meteorite.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, very funny... You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light.
Brian Griffin: I bet money, you'll marry a honey, who's pretty and funny, and her name will be Ted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a gay joke.
Brian Griffin: I just work with what you give me.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: You might think we're 'N Sync but we stink, as a duo.
Brian Griffin: 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts.
Stewie Griffin: And you get a kick out of stroking your...
Brian Griffin: Whoa whoa whoa, you can't say that on TV!
Stewie Griffin: What, ego?
Brian Griffin: Never mind.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals!
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: Hey... shut up!
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Brian Griffin: All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it okay first.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone! [Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: I say, is that Tom Bosley?
Brian Griffin: What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train to Switzerland?
Stewie Griffin: I don't know.


Stewie Griffin: Tom!


Stewie Griffin: Well, did he look?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: Well you were supposed to look.


Stewie Griffin: Tom Bosley!


Brian Griffin: No, it's not him.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: [in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on "Jolly Farm". Goodbye forever. Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm... I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm... It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll... Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm... Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
Brian Griffin: Oh My God!
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Stewie Griffin: I'd like to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Simon: Watch this. Are you watching?


Simon: [Simon slaps himself] That's for me ever having doubted you. A+!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie slaps Simon] And that's for you wearing purple pants with blue socks! Eeuhw!


Stewie Griffin: I totally called him on it.
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Simon: Ok, any comments?
Olivia: [Raises her hand] You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.


Stewie Griffin: [laughing sarcastically] Oh, gosh! That's funny! That's really fun - Do you right your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." You know? I've-I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard any one reference-reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show, right? Isn't it? "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." And-and-and you've taken that, and-and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, that's so fresh too. Any-any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Because-because I'm here. God, you are so funny!
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Simon: Look, it's your first marquee!


Olivia: It's pretty cool, huh?
Stewie Griffin: The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: What other thing?
Stewie Griffin: You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it makes sense ya know. Lead with strength, put your BEST foot forward.


Stewie Griffin: So the sex was good?
03x17 - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows Season 3 / Episode 17: - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Brian Griffin: I don't know. I guess taking care of this old woman will be just like babysitting, only with bigger diapers.
Stewie Griffin: Aha! So they *do* make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society!


Stewie Griffin: [shouts] You get a job!
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa: Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa: OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin: All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be... "nice."
03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Stewie Griffin: Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.
03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Stewie Griffin: My, nice ones Jeanine, and look at Lisa in all of her glory.
03x13 - Screwed The Pooch Season 3 / Episode 13: - Screwed The Pooch

Barbara Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie Griffin: I smell Death on you!
03x12 - To Live and Die in Dixie Season 3 / Episode 12: - To Live and Die in Dixie

Stewie Griffin: [playing Banjo and Singing] Heard her on my C.B. said her name was Mimi, sounded like an angel come to Earth.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Come to Earth.
Stewie Griffin: [singing] But when i went to meet her, boy you should have seen her, twice as big as me, three times the girth.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Times the Girth.
Stewie Griffin: [singing] Oh my big baby loves to eat.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Loves to eat.
Stewie Griffin: A big old Budda belly and breasts way past her feet. Oh my big baby loves to e-e-eat, my big old fat-ass baby loves to eat. [finishes playing] I've got blisters on me fingers!
03x12 - To Live and Die in Dixie Season 3 / Episode 12: - To Live and Die in Dixie

Meg Griffin: [opening the closet door] Someone's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie Griffin: You suck! [slams the closet door shut]
03x11 - Emission Impossible Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible

Stewie Griffin: [after looking at himself with make-up on in the mirror] Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!
Lois Griffin: Stewie! Bad boy! That's mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favourite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian Griffin: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie Griffin: Make any joke you want. You know I look good.
03x11 - Emission Impossible Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible

Stewie Griffin: Well, it seems you're out of ammunition.
Bertram: As are you, Stewart.
Stewie Griffin: [gasp] You know my name?
Bertram: I know many things.
Stewie Griffin: Indeed.
Bertram: Quite.
Stewie Griffin: Yes.
Bertram: Hmm.
Stewie Griffin: Well, perhaps we should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person.
Bertram: Hmm.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm.
Stewie Griffin: Yes.
03x11 - Emission Impossible Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible

Bertram: Go ahead, finish me off! My only regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman.
Stewie Griffin: What the-? How the devil do you know about Lois?
Bertram: You seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me, plotting my escape.
Stewie Griffin: You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What else do you hate?
Bertram: People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards.
Stewie Griffin: Ooh, ooh, people who use the word "guesstimate".
Bertram: Guys who wear sandals with socks.
Stewie Griffin, Bertram: Jason Patric! Ewwww!
03x08 - The Kiss Seen Around the World Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Kiss Seen Around the World

Lois Griffin: [See's the bully tied up on a chair in the basement] What are you kids doing?
Stewie Griffin: Playing 'House'.
Lois Griffin: But the kid is tied up in the basement.
Stewie Griffin: ...Roman Polanski's house.
03x08 - The Kiss Seen Around the World Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Kiss Seen Around the World

Brian Griffin: [after Stewie's tricycle is stolen by a bully] You've obviously never met a bully before.
Stewie Griffin: What do you mean, "bully"?
Brian Griffin: He wasn't taking it for a test drive, he was just taking it.
03x07 - Lethal Weapons Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons

Psychologist: Does Stewart have a history of aggression?
Lois Griffin: No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
Stewie Griffin: Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!
03x07 - Lethal Weapons Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons

Stewie Griffin: [imitating Brian] I'm the dog! I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio! But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door!
Brian Griffin: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Antichrist who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.
03x07 - Lethal Weapons Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons

Peter Griffin: Run along Stewie, Daddy had a rough night.
Stewie Griffin: Why you tottering fen sucked dewberry, I'm going to find something to strike you with, excuse me.
03x05 - And the Wiener is... Season 3 / Episode 5: - And the Wiener is...

Stewie Griffin: Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

03x05 - And the Wiener is... Season 3 / Episode 5: - And the Wiener is...

Stewie Griffin: She packed my bags. Last night preflight. Zero hour 9am


Stewie Griffin: and I'm gonna be... high... as a kite by then.


Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man. Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone!


Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me down again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no! I'm a rock it man. Rocket man! burnin out his fuse out here. Alone!
03x04 - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea Season 3 / Episode 4: - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

Stewie Griffin: Why can't the English teach their children to speak?
03x04 - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea Season 3 / Episode 4: - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

Eliza Pinchley: Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!
03x04 - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea Season 3 / Episode 4: - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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