Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

03x02 - Brian Does Hollywood (2) Season 3 / Episode 2: - Brian Does Hollywood (2)

Stewie Griffin: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.
03x01 - The Thin White Line (1) Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Thin White Line (1)

Stewie Griffin: [Brian walks in] Oh, splendid! Fido McCoke-fiend is home.
03x01 - The Thin White Line (1) Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Thin White Line (1)

Stewie Griffin: [Coked-out Brian comes home with a hooker] Oh, good, Fido McCoke-fiend is home.
Brian Griffin: Everybody, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: Hey, how 'bout a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!
03x01 - The Thin White Line (1) Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Thin White Line (1)

Brian Griffin: And that's why I'm leaving.
Peter Griffin: Leaving? But you can't leave.
Brian Griffin: I have to Peter, for me. I love you all.


Lois Griffin: Somebody, say something!
Stewie Griffin: [running] Brian wait!


Brian Griffin: Hold on a second.


Brian Griffin: Airport please.

02x19 - The Story on Page One Season 2 / Episode 19: - The Story on Page One

Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
02x19 - The Story on Page One Season 2 / Episode 19: - The Story on Page One

Stewie Griffin: All right, now walk up to the counter. [Chris does] That's it, ring the bell! [he does]
Shopkeep: Well, hi there.
Stewie Griffin: Good day, shopkeep.
Chris Griffin: [parroting] Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.
Shopkeep: What?
Stewie Griffin: It's for a school project. I'm... some sort of student sent here for... oh, blast, what the devil do they study? Uh, Latin class!
Shopkeep: Uh, sorry, kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.
Chris Griffin: Now, look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece! Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and - who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it, in my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo!... Oh, bloody hell, is this thing still on?
Shopkeep: [stares in confusion]
02x17 - He's Too Sexy for His Fat Season 2 / Episode 17: - He's Too Sexy for His Fat

Stewie Griffin: [while checking out motel room with a blacklight] Let's see... Oatmeal! Spittle! Semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane.
02x17 - He's Too Sexy for His Fat Season 2 / Episode 17: - He's Too Sexy for His Fat

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me!
02x17 - He's Too Sexy for His Fat Season 2 / Episode 17: - He's Too Sexy for His Fat

Stewie Griffin: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me! What are you looking at you... you infantile... stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can... burn in hell... [falls asleep]
02x16 - There's Something About Paulie Season 2 / Episode 16: - There's Something About Paulie

Stewie Griffin: [Upon learning that Lois is the target of a hitman] Oh dear, there are so many people to thank! God, of course, and umm... who else? Oh, this is so unexpected. [Discreetly checks a list pulled from his pocket] Oh yes, SATAN!
02x15 - Dammit Janet Season 2 / Episode 15: - Dammit Janet

Stewie Griffin: Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep. I don't suppose you have any Valium on you? Of course not. You're living the clean life now.
02x13 - Road to Rhode Island Season 2 / Episode 13: - Road to Rhode Island

Brian Griffin: [singing] We're a perfect pair of partners/Just like Thelma and Louise/Except your not six feet tall
Stewie Griffin: [singing] And your breasts don't reach your knees
Brian Griffin: [Speaks] Give it time
02x13 - Road to Rhode Island Season 2 / Episode 13: - Road to Rhode Island

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie finds Brian drinking in a bar] Oh here's a pleasant sight; Cirrhosis the wonderdog.
02x13 - Road to Rhode Island Season 2 / Episode 13: - Road to Rhode Island

Brian Griffin: [Brian and Stewie are burying Brian's mother who has been stuffed] Say something.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Just say something, please!
Stewie Griffin: Oh for god's sake. Uhm... yea and God said to Abraham; "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear You, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "I'm sorry, is this better? Check check... check. Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Brian Griffin: Say something about my mother!
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Uh... I never knew Biscuit as a dog, but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the same length...
Brian Griffin: Thanks, thanks that's enough.
Stewie Griffin: Ah yes. Requiem and tarapax and so forth, amen.
02x13 - Road to Rhode Island Season 2 / Episode 13: - Road to Rhode Island

Brian Griffin: Listen kid there's something I've been meaning to tell you. It's no easy for me to say.
Stewie Griffin: Oh god, you're not coming out of the closet are you? Ugh, why does everyone always come out to me?
02x12 - Fifteen Minutes of Shame Season 2 / Episode 12: - Fifteen Minutes of Shame

Stewie Griffin: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her to not be alive anymore.
02x10 - Running Mates Season 2 / Episode 10: - Running Mates

Brian Griffin: What's the matter? Do you miss your mommy?
Stewie Griffin: [laughing] Oh, yeah. That's it. I miss my mommy. I also miss colick and rectal thermometry.
Brian Griffin: Whatever you say... Mama's boy.
Stewie Griffin: Blast!
02x07 - The King Is Dead Season 2 / Episode 7: - The King Is Dead

Lois Griffin: [auditioning cast members] Stewie! Do you wanna try out for Mommy's play?
Stewie Griffin: [ascending the stage, soberly] "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer, by the son of York. And all - "
Lois Griffin: [interrupts] Just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".
Stewie Griffin: [infuriated] HOW DARE you reduce my finely-hewn thespian style into mere Mother Gooseries?
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] OK, sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep".
Stewie Griffin: [simmering] You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said..."I'm going to KILL you!"
02x05 - Love Thy Trophy Season 2 / Episode 5: - Love Thy Trophy

Stewie Griffin: What are these? Pancakes? Oh oh, these are delectable. Good news Flappy, I've decided not to kill you!
02x05 - Love Thy Trophy Season 2 / Episode 5: - Love Thy Trophy

Stewie Griffin: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click, click, bloody click PANCAKES!
02x03 - DaBoom Season 2 / Episode 3: - DaBoom

Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead louis!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!


Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.

01x06 - The Son Also Draws Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Son Also Draws

Lois Griffin: Stewie, I've got something special for you.
Stewie Griffin: Jell-o, how exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the Q.E. 2!
01x06 - The Son Also Draws Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Son Also Draws

Carrot Top: [Using a bow as a prop] Look! A bow tie! Now I'm David Bowie! Now I'm Bo Derek!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie throws several tomahawks which narrowly miss Carrot Top] Oh, very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck!
01x06 - The Son Also Draws Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Son Also Draws

Stewie Griffin: Stupid, greedy savages!
Lois Griffin: Stewie! That's a terrible thing to say. [background fades to black] This one particular tribe has lost their way, but most Native Americans are proud, hard-working people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly NOT savages. ['The More You Know' logo appears]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy, like the dirty Mexicans. [background fades to black] Ha ha! Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage. ['The More You Know' logo appears]
Meg Griffin: Yeah, not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. [background fades to black] Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel? ['The More You Know' logo appears]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, which is more than we ever got from those free-loading Canadians. [background fades to black] Canada sucks!
01x05 - A Hero Sits Next Door Season 1 / Episode 5: - A Hero Sits Next Door

Bonnie Swanson: The movers tracked grease all over the carpet. I've tried everything to get it out.
Lois Griffin: What about lemon juice?
Fan at ball game: What about club soda?
Stewie Griffin: What about shutting the hell up?
01x03 - Chitty Chitty Death Bang Season 1 / Episode 3: - Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
01x03 - Chitty Chitty Death Bang Season 1 / Episode 3: - Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Stewie Griffin: Damn you! You're one of them. What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money, women... men?
01x03 - Chitty Chitty Death Bang Season 1 / Episode 3: - Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Stewie Griffin: What do you want?
Cult Leader: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is *untimely death*!
01x03 - Chitty Chitty Death Bang Season 1 / Episode 3: - Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Stewardess: Well hey there little boy, are you lost?
Stewie Griffin: Now listen to me... [Reads name tag] Jo-LENE, I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight happy meal - and no pickles! Oh God help you if I find pickles!
01x03 - Chitty Chitty Death Bang Season 1 / Episode 3: - Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Stewie Griffin: [to ticket agent] Now listen to me...


Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Manangua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. AND NO PICKLES! Oh, God help you if I find pickles.

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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