ANNOUNCEMENT: Help us produce the first ShareTV original series. Check out our Kickstarter Campaign.
Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

Top Contributors


Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

Previous Next

Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

Add to My Characters
  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

« Back to Character Profile

Stewie Griffin Quotes

04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Stewie Griffin: Good Day to you sir. And now prepare to die.
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile] Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!
Stewie Griffin: [cowering in a corner] Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.


Peter Griffin: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.
Brian Griffin: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.
Stewie Griffin: And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC.
Brian Griffin: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.
Peter Griffin: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.
Stewie Griffin: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.
Brian Griffin: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.
Stewie Griffin: I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!
04x13 - Jungle Love Season 4 / Episode 13: - Jungle Love

Stewie Griffin: Do the women there have exposed clitterati?
04x12 - Perfect Castaway Season 4 / Episode 12: - Perfect Castaway

Stewie Griffin: Oh, bitch! You got jacked, bitch!
04x11 - Peter's Got Woods Season 4 / Episode 11: - Peter's Got Woods

Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.


Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?

04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Stewie Griffin: [in an office in Stewie's Bedroom] Uh, Brian, that coffee mug that you have that says, "Life's a beach"... that's dangerously close to the word "bitch", isn't it?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's the joke.
Stewie Griffin: Yes - and believe me. no one appreciates a good joke like Stewie - but, someof the other employees have found it offensive.
Brian Griffin: Other employees? Who else works here?
Stewie Griffin: [bleep] you! That's who else works here!
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Stewie Griffin: Oh, and tell Cookie Monster not to phone me until he finishes rehab.
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Brian Griffin: Come on, Stewie, let's go.
Stewie Griffin: [going through envelopes] Yes, yes, I'm just checking the mail. I say, here's one from the vet.
Brian Griffin: [trying in vain to catch the letter from Stewie's hands] Give me that!
Stewie Griffin: [after reading the letter] Good Lord! Worms? You have worms?
Brian Griffin: I don't have worms, allright? I just got checked for worms. [reading himself the letter] Oh, wait, no, I do have worms. Oh God! Oh, wh - - what am I gonna do? I can't afford the medication for this.
Stewie Griffin: Well, you could ask Lois and the fat one.
Brian Griffin: No! No! No... you... you cannot tell them about this, please. Peter is not very discreet for private matters. [... ] Just please, don't tell them
Stewie Griffin: You know? Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride and little more about the creepy-crawlies Shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Brian Griffin: [dressed-up as a woman, walking up and down Lois and Peter's bedroom] Uh, I have so much to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I'm so busy. Better hurry.
Stewie Griffin: [entering the room] Lois, I want my graham crack - - [realizing he's talking to Brian in drag] Oh...
Brian Griffin: [stops walking] Hey...
Stewie Griffin: Hey... are you playing a little dress-up?
Brian Griffin: Yeah...
Stewie Griffin: Yeah... Good. It's fun to pretend. Hum... so, listen, if you see Lois, tell her...
Brian Griffin: ...Graham cracker.
Stewie Griffin: Graham cracker, yes, yes, that's... that's it. Hum... all right. So... I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else [exit backwards]
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Stewie Griffin: So, um... this is uh... awkward, but uh... have we ever actually, you know, *met*? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm... you know thats something to think abou... [burps] Oops, just burped.
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Liddane: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
Liddane: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man!


Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
Liddane: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.


Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?


Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Stewie Griffin: [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
04x07 - Brian the Bachelor Season 4 / Episode 7: - Brian the Bachelor

Stewie Griffin: Oh, I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side, you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the... the novel you've been working on. You know, the... the one, uh, you been working on for three years. You know, the... the novel. Mm, got something new to write about now. You know, maybe... uh, maybe a main character gets into a relationship, suffers a little heart break. Something like uh, what... what you been, you just been through. Draw from the real life experience. Little uh, little heart break. You know... work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three dimensional. Little, uh, richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing, what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue, everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. [voice returns to normal] Oh, I look forward to reading it.
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Stewie Griffin: Chris, whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio... Chris? Ah, I'll tell you in the morning.
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Meg Griffin: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Peter Griffin: Oh, God! What have I done? I'm the worst husband ever!
Agent Jessup: Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup form child services. I'm here to take your kids away.
Peter Griffin: What? Why?
Agent Jessup: Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: Finally!
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Stewie Griffin: [to a prostitute sat on a couch next to him] So, tell me... is there any tread left on the tyres at all? Or, at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
04x04 - Don't Make Me Over Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over

Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine.


Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!


Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.


Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Stewie Griffin: Hey! Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross?


Stewie Griffin: AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Stewie Griffin: Can we stop by the grocery store? I want a granny smith apple.
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: [singing] You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
Stewie Griffin: Do you wanna go first?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis De Sade.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're one to talk. You got a stiffy from Phylicia Rashad.
Brian Griffin: [holding a metal plate in front of him] Oh, one time.


Stewie Griffin: I have a style, flair. Just look at my hip hair.
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, that's quite a nice 'do there.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, thanks.
Brian Griffin: [as Triumph] For me to poop on!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: [normal voice] Oh, come on. You look like Charlie Brown.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, bite me, Snoopy.
Stewie Griffin: There's not a whole lot that we got to agree on...
Brian Griffin: 'Cause I love the strains of a classical score...
Stewie Griffin: And I like that singer who looks like a whore...
Brian Griffin: Ricky Martin?
Stewie Griffin: Love him.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing continued] We're too different to ever be pals... You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
Brian Griffin: Your head's as massive as a meteorite.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, very funny... You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light.
Brian Griffin: I bet money, you'll marry a honey, who's pretty and funny, and her name will be Ted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a gay joke.
Brian Griffin: I just work with what you give me.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: You might think we're 'N Sync but we stink, as a duo.
Brian Griffin: 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts.
Stewie Griffin: And you get a kick out of stroking your...
Brian Griffin: Whoa whoa whoa, you can't say that on TV!
Stewie Griffin: What, ego?
Brian Griffin: Never mind.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals!
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: Hey... shut up!
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Brian Griffin: All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it okay first.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone! [Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: I say, is that Tom Bosley?
Brian Griffin: What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train to Switzerland?
Stewie Griffin: I don't know.


Stewie Griffin: Tom!


Stewie Griffin: Well, did he look?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: Well you were supposed to look.


Stewie Griffin: Tom Bosley!


Brian Griffin: No, it's not him.

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
You are successfully logged out.
login
[close]

ShareTV Login

Username
Password
Enter the text in the image shown if you are human.
WARNING: after 2 more failed attempts you will be locked out
[close]

Create Account

Username
Password
Verify Password
EMAIL

Verification code (check your email for the verification code)

Verification code has been sent to the following email address:
If you didn't receive the verification code:

1. Check your bulk/spam folder.

2. Try to whitelist our email address (noreply@sharetv.org)

3. Resend verification email

If you mistyped your email address change it here
Create a free ShareTV account to make a personalized schedule of your favorite TV shows, keep track of what you've watched, earn points and more.
Verify your username and email to complete your Registration
Enter the text in the image shown if you are human.
WARNING: after 2 more failed attempts you will be locked out
[close]

Forgot Your Password?

EMAIL
Enter the email address you used to create the account and your password will be emailed to you.