Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

06x05 - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2)

Stewie Griffin: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry, you look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the dark ages, you'll do exactly as I say.


Avery Bullock: What are your demands?
06x05 - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2)

Simon Cowell: Stewie, what the hell was that?
Stewie Griffin: That was, uh, "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.
Simon Cowell: One of the worst I've ever heard.
Stewie Griffin: Okay.
Simon Cowell: Stewie, you shouldn't actually be alive you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much I want to shoot you in your face.
Stewie Griffin: All right.
Paula Abdul: Honey, I liked you but you're just not right for *this* competition.
Randy Jackson: Yo, dawg I gotta tell you from me man. That was not even half good dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie?


Stewie Griffin: I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' about! Next time they hears about me they's gonna be like, "We was wrong about Stewie!" Cause I's gonna be huge! I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!
06x04 - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1)

Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?
Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!
Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?
Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago!

06x04 - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1)

Stewie Griffin: I got a headache. Do you have any Anacin?
Brian Griffin: Any what? Anacin?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah Anacin.
Brian Griffin: Do they even make Anacin anymore?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah it's still around. Why?
Brian Griffin: No. It just seems like sort of a '70s medication.
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing; it is an absolute eyesore.
Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the Clam, we've got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house! [Shot changes to outside of the second floor of the house, where there's a giant hole in Stewie's room]
Stewie Griffin: What is this? There's something wrong with the house! I don't like change!
06x02 - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Stewie Griffin: That's right, I'm paying Mr.Lickety-Self's half of the rent.
Jillian: Is that true?
Brian Griffin: All right, yes, fine, it's true.
Jillian: Why didn't you say anything?
Brian Griffin: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to...
Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me?
Brian Griffin: Well... honestly, no.
Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian Griffin: Really?
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through!


Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait!


Brian Griffin: Damn it!
Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. [Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep] Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see. [the light turns back on; Stewie is staring Brian dead in the face with a smirk on his face. Brian then punches him out of bed]
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?
Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right.
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Brian Griffin: [Brian and Stewie are looking at the toilet cautiously] How do you think it works?
Stewie Griffin: I have no idea.
Brian Griffin: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie Griffin: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
Brian Griffin: What's that big back part?
Stewie Griffin: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian Griffin: I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie Griffin: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
Brian Griffin: [sighs] All right, here goes.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.

05x12 - Airport '07 Season 5 / Episode 12: - Airport '07

Stewie Griffin: [after Quagmire is offered to stay with them] Great. This is going to be worse than the time I roomed with Marlee Matlin.
Marlee Matlin: [cutaway scene, Marlee walks by Stewie and is farting with every step] Hey Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: Oh come on Marlee. I know you can't hear them, but you have to feel those things slapping out of there.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Asian Santa Claus: [talking fast] What do you want? What do you want for Christmas?
Stewie Griffin: Um. I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa Claus: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!


Asian Santa Claus: What do you want?
Asian Kid: Fire Truck!
Asian Santa Claus: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa Claus: Next!

05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle- my God, I really do have problems, don't I?
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Stewie Griffin: [pulls up in front of the hospital] Push the bitch out!
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: [after carjacking someone in Aspen, Colorado] Did we just car-jack someone?
Stewie Griffin: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: [Brian singing] Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name.
Stewie Griffin: Who sings that song?
Brian Griffin: James Taylor.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah let's keep it that way.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Brian have just crashed their plane into a mountainside] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: What are we doing at the toy store?
Brian Griffin: I'm going to buy you another Rupert. [takes a stuffed gorilla off the shelf] This is cute and if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. [looks closer at the tag] And if we don't, they kill one. Boy, these guys are really playing hardball.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.


Stewie Griffin: Ah, bitch
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: Thanks for the ride, Bandit. And good luck tapping that [with disgust]... hot... hot... Sally Field tail.
The Bandit: Knock it off! I don't like it any more than you do.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: You are getting a little old for a teddy bear.
Stewie Griffin: Brian I'm one.
Brian Griffin: Still?
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: [ To an African American] You're welcome
Guy: Excuse me?
Stewie Griffin: I'm just saying make it worth our while, we wrote a pretty big cheque for you folks.
Guy: I'd say the events that preceded it, the hundred years or so, we're even
Stewie Griffin: Yeah we gave more.
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Stewie Griffin: ooh, you've got some pie. Can I have a piece?
Brian Griffin: Uh, ok
Stewie Griffin: Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you put Cool wHip on pie.
Brian Griffin: It's Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: That's what I said, Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Say whip
Stewie Griffin: Whip
Brian Griffin: Now say Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: You're eating HAIR!
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Stewie Griffin: [referring to Meg] Here she is! Brian, I present to you, you're polished turd for the evening.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: [wearing Brian's hair on his chest and diaper] Hey, baby!
Jillian: Hi, Stewie!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: Eeh, not much really. Just me and my pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian Griffin: Oh, dear God.
Stewie Griffin: Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie Griffin: [stretches, revealing Brian's hair in his armpits] I just feel like kickin' it tonight. [fuzzy dice fall out of his diaper] Oh! Look at that, I'm growing all the time.
Brian Griffin: Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie Griffin: You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? "drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"
Brian Griffin: Give me my hair back [takes hair off Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! What the hell, man?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Hey, babe. What do you say, we going out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are doing you here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie Griffin: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would've said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home?" You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. [Olivia starts crying] So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?
Olivia: [still sobbing] That sounds wonderful.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: I mean, what kind of man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian Griffin: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was my father talking.
Stewie Griffin: You, uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Uh, what's for dinner
Olivia: [grabs the Play-Doh Fun Factory Machine] Play-Doh spaghetti.
Stewie Griffin: [pauses] Oh.
Olivia: [stops making the Play-Doh spaghetti] What?
Stewie Griffin: No, no, it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night [under breath] and that's all we had last night.
Olivia: What does that mean?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Uh, maybe we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex.
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie Griffin: That's not the point, don't change the... it's a kind of cake?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Brian Griffin: So what happened?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know wha, why don't guys just do that?
Brian Griffin: They do. It's called being gay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Sorry, we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.
Olivia: Ah, yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times 'til we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great place to get mugged.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all MY money in both OUR wallets.

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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