Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Liddane: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
Liddane: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man!


Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
Liddane: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.


Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?


Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Stewie Griffin: [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
04x07 - Brian the Bachelor Season 4 / Episode 7: - Brian the Bachelor

Stewie Griffin: Oh, I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side, you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the... the novel you've been working on. You know, the... the one, uh, you been working on for three years. You know, the... the novel. Mm, got something new to write about now. You know, maybe... uh, maybe a main character gets into a relationship, suffers a little heart break. Something like uh, what... what you been, you just been through. Draw from the real life experience. Little uh, little heart break. You know... work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three dimensional. Little, uh, richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing, what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue, everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. [voice returns to normal] Oh, I look forward to reading it.
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Stewie Griffin: Chris, whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio... Chris? Ah, I'll tell you in the morning.
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Meg Griffin: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Peter Griffin: Oh, God! What have I done? I'm the worst husband ever!
Agent Jessup: Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup form child services. I'm here to take your kids away.
Peter Griffin: What? Why?
Agent Jessup: Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: Finally!
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Stewie Griffin: [to a prostitute sat on a couch next to him] So, tell me... is there any tread left on the tyres at all? Or, at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
04x04 - Don't Make Me Over Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over

Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine.


Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!


Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.


Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Stewie Griffin: Hey! Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross?


Stewie Griffin: AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Stewie Griffin: Can we stop by the grocery store? I want a granny smith apple.
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: [singing] You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
Stewie Griffin: Do you wanna go first?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis De Sade.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're one to talk. You got a stiffy from Phylicia Rashad.
Brian Griffin: [holding a metal plate in front of him] Oh, one time.


Stewie Griffin: I have a style, flair. Just look at my hip hair.
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, that's quite a nice 'do there.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, thanks.
Brian Griffin: [as Triumph] For me to poop on!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: [normal voice] Oh, come on. You look like Charlie Brown.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, bite me, Snoopy.
Stewie Griffin: There's not a whole lot that we got to agree on...
Brian Griffin: 'Cause I love the strains of a classical score...
Stewie Griffin: And I like that singer who looks like a whore...
Brian Griffin: Ricky Martin?
Stewie Griffin: Love him.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing continued] We're too different to ever be pals... You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
Brian Griffin: Your head's as massive as a meteorite.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, very funny... You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light.
Brian Griffin: I bet money, you'll marry a honey, who's pretty and funny, and her name will be Ted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a gay joke.
Brian Griffin: I just work with what you give me.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: You might think we're 'N Sync but we stink, as a duo.
Brian Griffin: 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts.
Stewie Griffin: And you get a kick out of stroking your...
Brian Griffin: Whoa whoa whoa, you can't say that on TV!
Stewie Griffin: What, ego?
Brian Griffin: Never mind.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals!
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: Hey... shut up!
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Brian Griffin: All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it okay first.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone! [Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: I say, is that Tom Bosley?
Brian Griffin: What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train to Switzerland?
Stewie Griffin: I don't know.


Stewie Griffin: Tom!


Stewie Griffin: Well, did he look?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: Well you were supposed to look.


Stewie Griffin: Tom Bosley!


Brian Griffin: No, it's not him.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: [in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on "Jolly Farm". Goodbye forever. Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm... I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm... It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll... Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm... Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
Brian Griffin: Oh My God!
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Stewie Griffin: I'd like to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Simon: Watch this. Are you watching?


Simon: [Simon slaps himself] That's for me ever having doubted you. A+!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie slaps Simon] And that's for you wearing purple pants with blue socks! Eeuhw!


Stewie Griffin: I totally called him on it.
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Simon: Ok, any comments?
Olivia: [Raises her hand] You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.


Stewie Griffin: [laughing sarcastically] Oh, gosh! That's funny! That's really fun - Do you right your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." You know? I've-I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard any one reference-reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show, right? Isn't it? "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." And-and-and you've taken that, and-and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, that's so fresh too. Any-any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Because-because I'm here. God, you are so funny!
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Simon: Look, it's your first marquee!


Olivia: It's pretty cool, huh?
Stewie Griffin: The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: What other thing?
Stewie Griffin: You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it makes sense ya know. Lead with strength, put your BEST foot forward.


Stewie Griffin: So the sex was good?
03x17 - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows Season 3 / Episode 17: - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Brian Griffin: I don't know. I guess taking care of this old woman will be just like babysitting, only with bigger diapers.
Stewie Griffin: Aha! So they *do* make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society!


Stewie Griffin: [shouts] You get a job!
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa: Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa: OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin: All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be... "nice."
03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Stewie Griffin: Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.
03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Stewie Griffin: My, nice ones Jeanine, and look at Lisa in all of her glory.
03x13 - Screwed The Pooch Season 3 / Episode 13: - Screwed The Pooch

Barbara Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie Griffin: I smell Death on you!

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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