Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right.
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Brian Griffin: [Brian and Stewie are looking at the toilet cautiously] How do you think it works?
Stewie Griffin: I have no idea.
Brian Griffin: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie Griffin: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
Brian Griffin: What's that big back part?
Stewie Griffin: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian Griffin: I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie Griffin: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
Brian Griffin: [sighs] All right, here goes.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.

05x12 - Airport '07 Season 5 / Episode 12: - Airport '07

Stewie Griffin: [after Quagmire is offered to stay with them] Great. This is going to be worse than the time I roomed with Marlee Matlin.
Marlee Matlin: [cutaway scene, Marlee walks by Stewie and is farting with every step] Hey Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: Oh come on Marlee. I know you can't hear them, but you have to feel those things slapping out of there.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Asian Santa Claus: [talking fast] What do you want? What do you want for Christmas?
Stewie Griffin: Um. I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa Claus: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!


Asian Santa Claus: What do you want?
Asian Kid: Fire Truck!
Asian Santa Claus: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa Claus: Next!

05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle- my God, I really do have problems, don't I?
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Stewie Griffin: [pulls up in front of the hospital] Push the bitch out!
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: [after carjacking someone in Aspen, Colorado] Did we just car-jack someone?
Stewie Griffin: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: [Brian singing] Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name.
Stewie Griffin: Who sings that song?
Brian Griffin: James Taylor.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah let's keep it that way.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Brian have just crashed their plane into a mountainside] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: What are we doing at the toy store?
Brian Griffin: I'm going to buy you another Rupert. [takes a stuffed gorilla off the shelf] This is cute and if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. [looks closer at the tag] And if we don't, they kill one. Boy, these guys are really playing hardball.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.


Stewie Griffin: Ah, bitch
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: Thanks for the ride, Bandit. And good luck tapping that [with disgust]... hot... hot... Sally Field tail.
The Bandit: Knock it off! I don't like it any more than you do.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: You are getting a little old for a teddy bear.
Stewie Griffin: Brian I'm one.
Brian Griffin: Still?
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: [ To an African American] You're welcome
Guy: Excuse me?
Stewie Griffin: I'm just saying make it worth our while, we wrote a pretty big cheque for you folks.
Guy: I'd say the events that preceded it, the hundred years or so, we're even
Stewie Griffin: Yeah we gave more.
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Stewie Griffin: ooh, you've got some pie. Can I have a piece?
Brian Griffin: Uh, ok
Stewie Griffin: Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you put Cool wHip on pie.
Brian Griffin: It's Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: That's what I said, Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Say whip
Stewie Griffin: Whip
Brian Griffin: Now say Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: You're eating HAIR!
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Stewie Griffin: [referring to Meg] Here she is! Brian, I present to you, you're polished turd for the evening.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: [wearing Brian's hair on his chest and diaper] Hey, baby!
Jillian: Hi, Stewie!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: Eeh, not much really. Just me and my pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian Griffin: Oh, dear God.
Stewie Griffin: Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie Griffin: [stretches, revealing Brian's hair in his armpits] I just feel like kickin' it tonight. [fuzzy dice fall out of his diaper] Oh! Look at that, I'm growing all the time.
Brian Griffin: Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie Griffin: You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? "drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"
Brian Griffin: Give me my hair back [takes hair off Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! What the hell, man?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Hey, babe. What do you say, we going out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are doing you here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie Griffin: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would've said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home?" You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. [Olivia starts crying] So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?
Olivia: [still sobbing] That sounds wonderful.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: I mean, what kind of man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian Griffin: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was my father talking.
Stewie Griffin: You, uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Uh, what's for dinner
Olivia: [grabs the Play-Doh Fun Factory Machine] Play-Doh spaghetti.
Stewie Griffin: [pauses] Oh.
Olivia: [stops making the Play-Doh spaghetti] What?
Stewie Griffin: No, no, it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night [under breath] and that's all we had last night.
Olivia: What does that mean?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Uh, maybe we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex.
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie Griffin: That's not the point, don't change the... it's a kind of cake?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Brian Griffin: So what happened?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know wha, why don't guys just do that?
Brian Griffin: They do. It's called being gay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Sorry, we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.
Olivia: Ah, yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times 'til we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great place to get mugged.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all MY money in both OUR wallets.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Brian Griffin: Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah?
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: I know.
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: [annoyed tone] I know.
Brian Griffin: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man.
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: Screw you. Cut it out, man!
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: [cries] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. [cries]
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: She said yes! My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials!
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Olivia: Do you even know what sex IS?
Stewie Griffin: Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: [to Olivia] Hey, listen, maybe you want to come over on Friday, it's my "Bernie Mac" night. Um, i-it's a fun show if you haven't seen it. I can't understand what the devil he's saying, but you know, there's a lot of movement, and it's bright and colorful, it keeps my attention.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Olivia: [to Stewie] What the hell is wrong with you? You're acting like a jerk.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm acting like a jerk? What about Phony Curtis over there?
Olivia: He happens to be a very intelligent, successful actor. And you know, he's done three national diaper commercials.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, let's put a diaper on his face. That's where the crap is coming out.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Olivia: [to the waiter] Do you have Hi-C Tropical Punch?
Stewie Griffin: And it begins...
Olivia: What, I can't have a drink with dinner?
Stewie Griffin: So dinner started at 2:00 this afternoon, did it?
Olivia: Yes, about the same time you decided to hole up in the bathroom for three hours waxing your eyebrows.
Stewie Griffin: You swore you would never... I have a prominent brow and I do what I can to get by.
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Jillian: [vomits]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Brian, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Oh, that was just Jillian. She's got this eating disorder, she's bulimic.
Stewie Griffin: Woah, really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, her hair's falling out, and yesterday she just lost a tooth.
Stewie Griffin: Really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but that purging just makes her look fabulous.
Brian Griffin: I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and let me tell you, some of them just look so good.
Jillian: [vomits again, but this time more violently]
Brian Griffin: Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance.

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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