Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Brian have just crashed their plane into a mountainside] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: What are we doing at the toy store?
Brian Griffin: I'm going to buy you another Rupert. [takes a stuffed gorilla off the shelf] This is cute and if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. [looks closer at the tag] And if we don't, they kill one. Boy, these guys are really playing hardball.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.


Stewie Griffin: Ah, bitch
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: Thanks for the ride, Bandit. And good luck tapping that [with disgust]... hot... hot... Sally Field tail.
The Bandit: Knock it off! I don't like it any more than you do.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: You are getting a little old for a teddy bear.
Stewie Griffin: Brian I'm one.
Brian Griffin: Still?
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: [ To an African American] You're welcome
Guy: Excuse me?
Stewie Griffin: I'm just saying make it worth our while, we wrote a pretty big cheque for you folks.
Guy: I'd say the events that preceded it, the hundred years or so, we're even
Stewie Griffin: Yeah we gave more.
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Stewie Griffin: ooh, you've got some pie. Can I have a piece?
Brian Griffin: Uh, ok
Stewie Griffin: Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you put Cool wHip on pie.
Brian Griffin: It's Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: That's what I said, Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Say whip
Stewie Griffin: Whip
Brian Griffin: Now say Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: You're eating HAIR!
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: [wearing Brian's hair on his chest and diaper] Hey, baby!
Jillian: Hi, Stewie!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: Eeh, not much really. Just me and my pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian Griffin: Oh, dear God.
Stewie Griffin: Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie Griffin: [stretches, revealing Brian's hair in his armpits] I just feel like kickin' it tonight. [fuzzy dice fall out of his diaper] Oh! Look at that, I'm growing all the time.
Brian Griffin: Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie Griffin: You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? "drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"
Brian Griffin: Give me my hair back [takes hair off Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! What the hell, man?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Hey, babe. What do you say, we going out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are doing you here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie Griffin: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would've said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home?" You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. [Olivia starts crying] So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?
Olivia: [still sobbing] That sounds wonderful.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: I mean, what kind of man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian Griffin: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was my father talking.
Stewie Griffin: You, uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Uh, what's for dinner
Olivia: [grabs the Play-Doh Fun Factory Machine] Play-Doh spaghetti.
Stewie Griffin: [pauses] Oh.
Olivia: [stops making the Play-Doh spaghetti] What?
Stewie Griffin: No, no, it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night [under breath] and that's all we had last night.
Olivia: What does that mean?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Uh, maybe we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex.
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie Griffin: That's not the point, don't change the... it's a kind of cake?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Brian Griffin: So what happened?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know wha, why don't guys just do that?
Brian Griffin: They do. It's called being gay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: Sorry, we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.
Olivia: Ah, yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times 'til we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great place to get mugged.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all MY money in both OUR wallets.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Brian Griffin: Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah?
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: I know.
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: [annoyed tone] I know.
Brian Griffin: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man.
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: Screw you. Cut it out, man!
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: [cries] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. [cries]
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: She said yes! My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials!
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Olivia: Do you even know what sex IS?
Stewie Griffin: Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: [to Olivia] Hey, listen, maybe you want to come over on Friday, it's my "Bernie Mac" night. Um, i-it's a fun show if you haven't seen it. I can't understand what the devil he's saying, but you know, there's a lot of movement, and it's bright and colorful, it keeps my attention.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Olivia: [to Stewie] What the hell is wrong with you? You're acting like a jerk.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm acting like a jerk? What about Phony Curtis over there?
Olivia: He happens to be a very intelligent, successful actor. And you know, he's done three national diaper commercials.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, let's put a diaper on his face. That's where the crap is coming out.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Olivia: [to the waiter] Do you have Hi-C Tropical Punch?
Stewie Griffin: And it begins...
Olivia: What, I can't have a drink with dinner?
Stewie Griffin: So dinner started at 2:00 this afternoon, did it?
Olivia: Yes, about the same time you decided to hole up in the bathroom for three hours waxing your eyebrows.
Stewie Griffin: You swore you would never... I have a prominent brow and I do what I can to get by.
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Jillian: [vomits]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Brian, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Oh, that was just Jillian. She's got this eating disorder, she's bulimic.
Stewie Griffin: Woah, really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, her hair's falling out, and yesterday she just lost a tooth.
Stewie Griffin: Really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but that purging just makes her look fabulous.
Brian Griffin: I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and let me tell you, some of them just look so good.
Jillian: [vomits again, but this time more violently]
Brian Griffin: Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance.
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Stewie Griffin: Life's confusing when we grow up, isn't it, Brian? Hey, can we listen to my mix tape?
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Go ahead.
Stewie Griffin: [singing along to Gary Numan's "Cars"] Brian had sex. With a really dumb girl. Now he's taking his friend Stewie. To get some ice cream. In his car.
Brian Griffin: [turns off radio]
Stewie Griffin: Oh you're a poor sport.
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Stewie Griffin: Mmm... Jillian, this is some good lemonade!
Jillian: Yeah. [sadly] I'm just sad they had to kill so many lemons to make it...
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Stewie Griffin: [about Brian's girlfriend Jillian] It's like she's fucking five!
05x03 - Hell Comes to Quahog Season 5 / Episode 3: - Hell Comes to Quahog

Stewie Griffin: [there is a heat wave in Quahog] Brian, spit on me.
Brian Griffin: [spits on Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Yes, now tell me I'm scum.
Brian Griffin: [pause] How's that going to help cool you off?
Stewie Griffin: Huh?
05x02 - Mother Tucker Season 5 / Episode 2: - Mother Tucker

Brian Griffin: We have a show!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, we have a show.
Denzel Washington: [whistle, then scene from Philadelphia plays] After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners, in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.
Brian Griffin: What is wrong with you?
Stewie Griffin: I swear to god that was supposed to be "Food Fight"
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Brian Griffin: Stewie loves Lois!
Stewie Griffin: Brian loves Olympia Dukakis!
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, I do.
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Stewie Griffin: Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!
Stewie Griffin: Hi. [Runs off giggling]
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Stewie Griffin: I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party?
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Stewie Griffin: Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma?
Lois Griffin: WHAT?
Stewie Griffin: Hi... [runs off giggling]

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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