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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

07x01 - Love Blactually Season 7 / Episode 1: - Love Blactually

Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing that Brian is also dressed as Snoopy for the costume party] Ugh, you know. This is why you... Brian, remember. For the last couple of weeks, I kept saying "Can I have a couple of minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about! This evening is "rueened!"
Brian Griffin: Look, I... Wait, what?
Stewie Griffin: This evening is rueened! The whole evening is rueened!
Brian Griffin: Why are you saying it like that?
Stewie Griffin: Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's rueened.
Brian Griffin: You know what? I'm not gonna get sucked into this.


Brian Griffin: Okay, just so that I'm sure. Really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say it?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm talking about this rueened evening.
Brian Griffin: That's not how you say "ruined."
Stewie Griffin: What? Rueened?
Brian Griffin: What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures?
Stewie Griffin: Ruins.
Brian Griffin: And how would you describe this evening?
Stewie Griffin: Well, rueened, of course. This evening is rueened.
Brian Griffin: Say "ruined."
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Ruined.
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Ruined.
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Dumbass.
Stewie Griffin: Well, Brian. Don't be "cruelle."
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian when he becomes a magician to impress a girl] You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show.
Brian Griffin: Really?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah. We'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Saw me in half.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Tracy: Brian, this is Dylan. He's your son.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [to Lois] Don't worry. I got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.


Stewie Griffin: Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!
Dylan: I'm out of here.
Stewie Griffin: Huh, did you see that, Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Stewie Griffin: How can you have a 13-year-old son when you're only 7?
Brian Griffin: Those are dog years.
Stewie Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian Griffin: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: Gosh, this is a... lovely home, Tracy.
Stewie Griffin: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.
06x10 - Play it Again, Brian Season 6 / Episode 10: - Play it Again, Brian

Brian Griffin: [answers phone] Hello?
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count Nyquil as a beverage? No, right?
Brian Griffin: No.
Stewie Griffin: Yea, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks Brian.
06x10 - Play it Again, Brian Season 6 / Episode 10: - Play it Again, Brian

Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right?
06x08 - McStroke Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke

Stewie Griffin: [after Stewie becomes the most popular boy at school] Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian Griffin: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie Griffin: Oh no, Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian Griffin: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie Griffin: Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea.
Brian Griffin: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space, that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and, sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie Griffin: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.
06x07 - Peter's Daughter Season 6 / Episode 7: - Peter's Daughter

Stewie Griffin: [Through the walkie-talkie] Brian, pick up, over.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Brian, please say 'over' when you finish talking, over.
Brian Griffin: What? Over.
Stewie Griffin: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian Griffin: No.
Stewie Griffin: No... What? Over.
Brian Griffin: No... Over.
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through, over.
Brian Griffin: Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why you asked me if I can see it?
Stewie Griffin: Didn't copy that, over.
Brian Griffin: I said, why you asked me if I can see it if you haven't started feeding it... Over.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's better, I can hear you now, over, you see it yet? Over.
Brian Griffin: You know? You're a jackass, for the record I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie Griffin: when this is what, Brian? Over.
Brian Griffin: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie Griffin: When this is what? You have to finish your sentence, over
Brian Griffin: That's it! My sentence is over.
Stewie Griffin: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian Griffin: My sentence is... Wait a minute, I have to say 'over' even if the sentence ends with the word 'over'?
Stewie Griffin: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over
Brian Griffin: [wire starts falling down] Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie Griffin: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian Griffin: OVER! [Brian pulls the wire down and Stewie falls with it]
06x06 - Padre de Familia Season 6 / Episode 6: - Padre de Familia

Peter Griffin: Hello, my American family.
Lois Griffin: Peter, where did you get that suit?
Stewie Griffin: My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp!
06x05 - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2)

Stewie Griffin: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry, you look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the dark ages, you'll do exactly as I say.


Avery Bullock: What are your demands?
06x05 - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2)

Simon Cowell: Stewie, what the hell was that?
Stewie Griffin: That was, uh, "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.
Simon Cowell: One of the worst I've ever heard.
Stewie Griffin: Okay.
Simon Cowell: Stewie, you shouldn't actually be alive you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much I want to shoot you in your face.
Stewie Griffin: All right.
Paula Abdul: Honey, I liked you but you're just not right for *this* competition.
Randy Jackson: Yo, dawg I gotta tell you from me man. That was not even half good dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie?


Stewie Griffin: I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' about! Next time they hears about me they's gonna be like, "We was wrong about Stewie!" Cause I's gonna be huge! I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!
06x04 - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1)

Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?
Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!
Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?
Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago!

06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing; it is an absolute eyesore.
Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the Clam, we've got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house! [Shot changes to outside of the second floor of the house, where there's a giant hole in Stewie's room]
Stewie Griffin: What is this? There's something wrong with the house! I don't like change!
06x02 - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Stewie Griffin: That's right, I'm paying Mr.Lickety-Self's half of the rent.
Jillian: Is that true?
Brian Griffin: All right, yes, fine, it's true.
Jillian: Why didn't you say anything?
Brian Griffin: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to...
Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me?
Brian Griffin: Well... honestly, no.
Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian Griffin: Really?
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through!


Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait!


Brian Griffin: Damn it!
Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. [Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep] Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see. [the light turns back on; Stewie is staring Brian dead in the face with a smirk on his face. Brian then punches him out of bed]
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?
Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Brian Griffin: [Brian and Stewie are looking at the toilet cautiously] How do you think it works?
Stewie Griffin: I have no idea.
Brian Griffin: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie Griffin: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
Brian Griffin: What's that big back part?
Stewie Griffin: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian Griffin: I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie Griffin: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
Brian Griffin: [sighs] All right, here goes.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.

05x12 - Airport '07 Season 5 / Episode 12: - Airport '07

Stewie Griffin: [after Quagmire is offered to stay with them] Great. This is going to be worse than the time I roomed with Marlee Matlin.
Marlee Matlin: [cutaway scene, Marlee walks by Stewie and is farting with every step] Hey Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: Oh come on Marlee. I know you can't hear them, but you have to feel those things slapping out of there.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Asian Santa Claus: [talking fast] What do you want? What do you want for Christmas?
Stewie Griffin: Um. I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa Claus: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!


Asian Santa Claus: What do you want?
Asian Kid: Fire Truck!
Asian Santa Claus: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa Claus: Next!

05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle- my God, I really do have problems, don't I?
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Stewie Griffin: [pulls up in front of the hospital] Push the bitch out!
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: [after carjacking someone in Aspen, Colorado] Did we just car-jack someone?
Stewie Griffin: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: [Brian singing] Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name.
Stewie Griffin: Who sings that song?
Brian Griffin: James Taylor.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah let's keep it that way.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Brian have just crashed their plane into a mountainside] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: What are we doing at the toy store?
Brian Griffin: I'm going to buy you another Rupert. [takes a stuffed gorilla off the shelf] This is cute and if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. [looks closer at the tag] And if we don't, they kill one. Boy, these guys are really playing hardball.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.


Stewie Griffin: Ah, bitch
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: Thanks for the ride, Bandit. And good luck tapping that [with disgust]... hot... hot... Sally Field tail.
The Bandit: Knock it off! I don't like it any more than you do.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: You are getting a little old for a teddy bear.
Stewie Griffin: Brian I'm one.
Brian Griffin: Still?

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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