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Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

08x16 - April In Quahog Season 8 / Episode 16: - April In Quahog

Brian Griffin: Stewie, can you please move? You're blocking the TV.
Stewie Griffin: No! And I'll thank you to quiet down, I'm playing action figures. "Prepare to be bested on the battlefield, Lion-O". "Oh, I don't think so, He-Man... Ow!". "Oh, I'm sorry, did I punch you too hard?". "Yes, I suppose you don't know your own strength; I mean, look at your muscles!". "Oh, stop! You're the one with the sick abs". "God, my mouth is watering just looking at you". Yeah, that's right... you buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then asked what happened? Yup. Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that to your god...
08x13 - Go, Stewie, Go! Season 8 / Episode 13: - Go, Stewie, Go!

Julie: Don't mind Randall. He's just getting into character.
Stewie Griffin: Is he playing a dick?
08x12 - Extra Large Medium Season 8 / Episode 12: - Extra Large Medium

Stewie Griffin: Hey Chris, did you know your bacne spells 'Citibank' in braille?
08x11 - Dial Meg for Murder Season 8 / Episode 11: - Dial Meg for Murder

Meg Griffin: [Deep gruff voice] You're all my bitches now!
Stewie Griffin: ...ok
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois Griffin: A chair.
Stewie Griffin: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: A popular fruit.
Lois Griffin: Orange.
Stewie Griffin: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois Griffin: Shoes.
Stewie Griffin: Scary monsters.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois Griffin: Christmas.
Stewie Griffin: 9/11.
Richard Dawson: And something you do on the weekends.
Lois Griffin: Go to church.
Stewie Griffin: Black guys.
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.


Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!


Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: OK, so no leads then?
Consuela: Oh no, no. Doggie out!
Brian Griffin: What?
Consuela: Out. Afuera!
Brian Griffin: What? I live here.
Consuela: No no, afuera!
Brian Griffin: Look, I'm just trying to... owww!
Consuela: Hola?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, could you please put Brian back on?
Consuela: No, noooh. D-doggie afuera.
Stewie Griffin: You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh listen, I don't mean to point any fingers. But I'm missing about a thousand dollars in play money.
Consuela: I take.
Stewie Griffin: Wh-what? You took it?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie Griffin: Well, give it back!
Consuela: Come get, bitch!
08x03 - Spies Reminiscent of Us Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] Boy, who woulda thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."


Russian Man: Shut up, 2476.
08x03 - Spies Reminiscent of Us Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us

Peter Griffin: Let me show you something that's funny. Okay here's an impression of John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving.


Peter Griffin: I'm John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving pilgrims! Happy Thanksgiving pilgrims!
Stewie Griffin: Hahaha, Where's this guy been?
Dan Aykroyd: Well, Mr.Griffin, this has been a lot of fun.
Chevy Chase: Lot of fun.
Dan Aykroyd: But we've gotta get back over to our place and kind uh- do what... What do we have to do?
Chevy Chase: Roll some joints and get high.
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, we gotta do those things.
Peter Griffin: That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives.
Stewie Griffin: Amen.
Dan Aykroyd: No Peter, *you're* not funny.
Chevy Chase: I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all.
Peter Griffin: I don't get it.
Chevy Chase: You're painfully unfunny.
Peter Griffin: Get the fuck out of my house!
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm a new neighbor, and you're my pet human, Hotchkis, got it?
Stewie Griffin: [stammers] I'm not so crazy about "Hotchkis" anymore.
Brian Griffin: What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkis.
Stewie Griffin: Eh, I know, but how about Axel or Maximillian or Dex? You know, it's gotta have an "x" in it 'cause that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and...


Dog Peter: [scampering to the door] Omigodiknowthatsounditmeanstheresapotentialintruderatthefrontdoororoneofmyp alseitherwayimexcitedandreadyforanything! [opens the door] Hello!
Stewie Griffin: Heh.
Brian Griffin: Hello, my name is Blake Carrington.
Stewie Griffin: Aw.
Brian Griffin: And this is my human, Gabe.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, what?
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: Uhh, Brian? This feels weird...
Brian Griffin: Hit the button!
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: [sighs as human Brian walks off at the end] "Ah, look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind, where he finally reach the full pent-OH MY GOD HE GOT HIT BY A CAR! [tires screech off-screen, followed by an audible THUD] "
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: Oh, God, let's go, quick! Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: And now, here's something we hope you really like.
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: [singing] I got veins. They carry blood all over my baddy.


Stewie Griffin: That's how John Mayer would say it. Baddy. I'm really into him right now. You'd better be okay with it!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Lois Griffin: Now, honey, this won't hurt.


Stewie Griffin: Ah, those lying bastards at Johnson and Johnson!


Scientist #1: We'll put "No more tears" on the bottle.
Scientist #2: But it does make you cry.
Scientist #1: I know. Whoo-ha-ha-ha.
Scientist #2: Whoo-ha-ha-ha.
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine!
Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Stewie Griffin: That is worse than the plot for Baby Mama.
Announcer: What would happen when a 40 year old woman put her eggs inside her 41 year old friend?
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.
Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!
Patrick Stewart: Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?
LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.
Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that going to work?
Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
Stewie Griffin: For a pencil topper?
Michael Dorn: I have to pee again.
Stewie Griffin: That's it. Good-bye.


Stewie Griffin: [Brent's drink doesn't teleport and stains the floor] Fuck!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: Now, Question #1: what's it like on the set?
Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years.
Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun - you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.
Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Marina Sirtis: [as they pull up to a fast food drive-thru] Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.
Stewie Griffin: Oh yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking? I'm thinking shut up and get a salad!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured. And doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."
Brian Griffin: Are you queer?
Stewie Griffin: Probably.
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: Uh, hello?
Employee: Yes, welcome to McDonald's can I help you?
Stewie Griffin: Ah, hailing frequencies open huh? Ah, yeah we're gonna get uh two McChicken sandwiches and a Diet coke and... what do you want Michael?
Michael Dorn: A McDLT?
Stewie Griffin: No, I already told you they don't make those anymore.
Michael Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.
Stewie Griffin: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.
Jonathan Frakes: I want a Shamrock Shake if they've got any of those.
Stewie Griffin: It's September Jonathan!
LeVar Burton: Stewie, can I take this fuckin' headband off?
Stewie Griffin: No, LeVar you're blind. That's the only way you can see!
Michael Dorn: I'm just saying they have *all* the ingredients for a McDL...


Stewie Griffin: Just hang on alright? There's a lot of us. There's a lot... It's a big order!
Patrick Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?
Stewie Griffin: It's three o'clock!
Patrick Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Stewie Griffin: None of them serve breakfast all day!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Marina Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking shut up and get a salad!
Brent Spiner: I want some McNuggets!
Stewie Griffin: We'll get to you Brent.
Wil Wheaton: I want a hamburger. No, I want a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake!
Patrick Stewart: [backhands Wil Wheaton] You'll get nothing and like it!
07x07 - Ocean's Three and a Half Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half

Brian Griffin: What's it called?
Stewie Griffin: Susie.
Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie Griffin: Name twenty!
Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.
Stewie Griffin: Name six more!
Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Stewie Griffin: Name five more!
Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!
07x07 - Ocean's Three and a Half Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie has just shown Brian his music video] Don't worry, Brian. Those goosebumps will go away in about twenty minutes.
Brian Griffin: Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.
07x05 - The Man With Two Brians Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians

Stewie Griffin: Hey New Brian bad news. You gotta leave.
New Brian: What are you talking about? This is my home
Stewie Griffin: Nobody likes you here man
New Brian: Well I disagree I think everyone likes me
Stewie Griffin: No we don't! We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den
New Brian: Well Rupert seemed to like my humping
Stewie Griffin: What did you say?
New Brian: Rupert. I humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.
Stewie Griffin: Did he?
New Brian: Yeah and now every time you sleep with him he's gonna be thinking of me
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie stares angrily at New Brian for a beat. Cut to outside where Stewie is dragging a large bloody garbage bag to the street]

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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