Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: Uhh, Brian? This feels weird...
Brian Griffin: Hit the button!
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: [sighs as human Brian walks off at the end] "Ah, look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind, where he finally reach the full pent-OH MY GOD HE GOT HIT BY A CAR! [tires screech off-screen, followed by an audible THUD] "
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: Oh, God, let's go, quick! Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: And now, here's something we hope you really like.
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: [singing] I got veins. They carry blood all over my baddy.


Stewie Griffin: That's how John Mayer would say it. Baddy. I'm really into him right now. You'd better be okay with it!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Lois Griffin: Now, honey, this won't hurt.


Stewie Griffin: Ah, those lying bastards at Johnson and Johnson!


Scientist #1: We'll put "No more tears" on the bottle.
Scientist #2: But it does make you cry.
Scientist #1: I know. Whoo-ha-ha-ha.
Scientist #2: Whoo-ha-ha-ha.
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine!
Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Stewie Griffin: That is worse than the plot for Baby Mama.
Announcer: What would happen when a 40 year old woman put her eggs inside her 41 year old friend?
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.
Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!
Patrick Stewart: Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?
LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.
Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that going to work?
Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
Stewie Griffin: For a pencil topper?
Michael Dorn: I have to pee again.
Stewie Griffin: That's it. Good-bye.


Stewie Griffin: [Brent's drink doesn't teleport and stains the floor] Fuck!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: Now, Question #1: what's it like on the set?
Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years.
Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun - you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.
Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Marina Sirtis: [as they pull up to a fast food drive-thru] Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.
Stewie Griffin: Oh yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking? I'm thinking shut up and get a salad!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured. And doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."
Brian Griffin: Are you queer?
Stewie Griffin: Probably.
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: Uh, hello?
Employee: Yes, welcome to McDonald's can I help you?
Stewie Griffin: Ah, hailing frequencies open huh? Ah, yeah we're gonna get uh two McChicken sandwiches and a Diet coke and... what do you want Michael?
Michael Dorn: A McDLT?
Stewie Griffin: No, I already told you they don't make those anymore.
Michael Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.
Stewie Griffin: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.
Jonathan Frakes: I want a Shamrock Shake if they've got any of those.
Stewie Griffin: It's September Jonathan!
LeVar Burton: Stewie, can I take this fuckin' headband off?
Stewie Griffin: No, LeVar you're blind. That's the only way you can see!
Michael Dorn: I'm just saying they have *all* the ingredients for a McDL...


Stewie Griffin: Just hang on alright? There's a lot of us. There's a lot... It's a big order!
Patrick Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?
Stewie Griffin: It's three o'clock!
Patrick Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Stewie Griffin: None of them serve breakfast all day!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Marina Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking shut up and get a salad!
Brent Spiner: I want some McNuggets!
Stewie Griffin: We'll get to you Brent.
Wil Wheaton: I want a hamburger. No, I want a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake!
Patrick Stewart: [backhands Wil Wheaton] You'll get nothing and like it!
07x07 - Ocean's Three and a Half Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half

Brian Griffin: What's it called?
Stewie Griffin: Susie.
Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie Griffin: Name twenty!
Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.
Stewie Griffin: Name six more!
Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Stewie Griffin: Name five more!
Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!
07x07 - Ocean's Three and a Half Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie has just shown Brian his music video] Don't worry, Brian. Those goosebumps will go away in about twenty minutes.
Brian Griffin: Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.
07x05 - The Man With Two Brians Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians

Stewie Griffin: Hey New Brian bad news. You gotta leave.
New Brian: What are you talking about? This is my home
Stewie Griffin: Nobody likes you here man
New Brian: Well I disagree I think everyone likes me
Stewie Griffin: No we don't! We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den
New Brian: Well Rupert seemed to like my humping
Stewie Griffin: What did you say?
New Brian: Rupert. I humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.
Stewie Griffin: Did he?
New Brian: Yeah and now every time you sleep with him he's gonna be thinking of me
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie stares angrily at New Brian for a beat. Cut to outside where Stewie is dragging a large bloody garbage bag to the street]
07x05 - The Man With Two Brians Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians

Stewie Griffin: [He is sitting in the shower washing Rupert] We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I-I don't blame you.
07x04 - Baby Not On Board Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board

Stewie Griffin: Mummy, Daddy, Chris, Dog, Brian! They're home!
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: But where do we find uranium in WWII Europe?
Brian Griffin: There's only one place, at the top secret atomic research facility... in Berlin.
Stewie Griffin: Wait a minute, Germany's building Weapons of Mass Destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses?
Brian Griffin: I don't know [slowly turns toward the camera] maybe because they don't have any oil?
Stewie Griffin: Oooooohhhh... [he applauds] oh clap clap clap clap clap!
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: Mort? Hello? Mort?
Stewie Griffin: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking on the street paws!
Brian Griffin: I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down.
Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: My time machine's been activated.
Brian Griffin: Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.


European See 'n Say: The pig goes "WANK!"


European See 'n Say: The cow goes "SHAZOO!"
Stewie Griffin: It most certainly does not!


European See 'n Say: The rooster goes "GICKORY GEE!"
Stewie Griffin: Where? Where does the rooster say that?


European See 'n Say: The monkey goes "MACAQUE!"
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, no, no! It does not!


European See 'n Say: The elephant goes "THWOMP!"
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah, kinda.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

RAF Commander: Men, as officers of the Royal Air Force, you're the very best in the world. However, this mission to Germany will not be an easy one. Four and a half of every five of you will not return. Half of Jenson there can tell you it gets pretty sticky.
Jenson: But I never lost me good spirits, I haven't.
RAF Commander: So let's get up there, be safe, and get back to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home.
Stewie Griffin: Pardon me, Sir. I'd like to join.
RAF Commander: What are your qualifications?
Stewie Griffin: I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth, and my wife is ghastly!
RAF Commander: Bombs away!
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: Remember Brian, don't touch anything when we are in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
Brian Griffin: Really?
Stewie Griffin: Nah you can do whatever you want.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: OK, if everything worked properly this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now we just got to find out where we are.
Brian Griffin: Or WHEN we are.
Stewie Griffin: Ah that's such a douche time traveler thing to say. [a Cow says SHAZOOM]. Okay we are somewhere in Europe.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: [Brian, Stewie and Mort are stuck in Warsaw Poland during the invasion] Stewie, the return pad isn't working!
Stewie Griffin: Yeah and you know what's not gonna fix it, your shouting.
Mort Goldman: Oh God. Should we ask somebody for help?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah right. How many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: [Brian goes looking for Mort Goldman] Mort? Hello?
Stewie Griffin: Hey hey hey hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty, walking-on-the-street paws!
07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Stewie Griffin: [Surfin' Bird is playing for the umpteenth time, and they're both on the couch feeling exasperated] Brian?
Brian Griffin: Yeah?
Stewie Griffin: I don't feel so good. [a stream of blood starts to trickle from his nose]
07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him.
Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois.
Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad?
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard?
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!

07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.


Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.


Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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