Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

09x01 - And Then There Were Fewer Season 9 / Episode 1: - And Then There Were Fewer

Stewie Griffin: If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.
08x21 - Partial Terms of Endearment Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment

Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!
08x20 - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side Season 8 / Episode 20: - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

Peter Griffin: Christina Ricci was tied up for some reason
Stewie Griffin: I'm already bored and confused!
08x18 - Quagmire's Daddy Season 8 / Episode 18: - Quagmire's Daddy

Peter Griffin: Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, do you miss your penis?
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Chris Griffin: Thank you for asking it.
Glenn Quagmire: Jeez.
Dan Quagmire: No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is I still have it. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.
Dan Quagmire: Come on, dad...
Stewie Griffin: Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.
08x18 - Quagmire's Daddy Season 8 / Episode 18: - Quagmire's Daddy

Peter Griffin: [to Ida] So tell me about those knockers. Are we... Are those... Is that just, like, implants or did they reassign some ass fat up there?
Glenn Quagmire: [leaving in disgust] All right, I'm out of here.
Stewie Griffin: I wonder if I could push mine inside.


Stewie Griffin: Oh, my god. It worked. It's gone! I can't believe it... oh, no, it's back.
08x17 - Brian & Stewie Season 8 / Episode 17: - Brian & Stewie

Stewie Griffin: You even cried after Columbine.
Brian Griffin: Because that was a national tragedy.
Stewie Griffin: Ehh... it was kind of a regional tragedy.
08x17 - Brian & Stewie Season 8 / Episode 17: - Brian & Stewie

Stewie Griffin: I like you lot. I guess you could say I... really like you. I would... even dare to go a little further, perhaps. I... care a great deal about you. Very great deal. Maybe even... deeper than that. I... I... I love you. I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grownups do when they're in love, but I mean, I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
Brian Griffin: Well I... I love you, too, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: You give my life purpose, and maybe, maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.
08x17 - Brian & Stewie Season 8 / Episode 17: - Brian & Stewie

Stewie Griffin: Brian?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: I just realized something. Tomorrow is Sunday.
Brian Griffin: [looks up] fuck!

08x17 - Brian & Stewie Season 8 / Episode 17: - Brian & Stewie

Stewie Griffin: Got some dessert for you.
Brian Griffin: You gotta be kidding me.
Stewie Griffin: Come on, it's throw up. You like throw up.
Brian Griffin: I do. I do like throw up.
08x16 - April In Quahog Season 8 / Episode 16: - April In Quahog

Brian Griffin: Stewie, can you please move? You're blocking the TV.
Stewie Griffin: No! And I'll thank you to quiet down, I'm playing action figures. "Prepare to be bested on the battlefield, Lion-O". "Oh, I don't think so, He-Man... Ow!". "Oh, I'm sorry, did I punch you too hard?". "Yes, I suppose you don't know your own strength; I mean, look at your muscles!". "Oh, stop! You're the one with the sick abs". "God, my mouth is watering just looking at you". Yeah, that's right... you buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then asked what happened? Yup. Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that to your god...
08x14 - Peter-assment Season 8 / Episode 14: - Peter-assment

Brian Griffin: So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh?
Stewie Griffin: What do you mean?
Brian Griffin: I mean crying and wetting yourself, you looked ridiculous.
Stewie Griffin: You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead.
08x13 - Go, Stewie, Go! Season 8 / Episode 13: - Go, Stewie, Go!

Julie: Don't mind Randall. He's just getting into character.
Stewie Griffin: Is he playing a dick?
08x12 - Extra Large Medium Season 8 / Episode 12: - Extra Large Medium

Stewie Griffin: Hey Chris, did you know your bacne spells 'Citibank' in braille?
08x11 - Dial Meg for Murder Season 8 / Episode 11: - Dial Meg for Murder

Meg Griffin: [Deep gruff voice] You're all my bitches now!
Stewie Griffin: ...ok
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois Griffin: A chair.
Stewie Griffin: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: A popular fruit.
Lois Griffin: Orange.
Stewie Griffin: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois Griffin: Shoes.
Stewie Griffin: Scary monsters.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois Griffin: Christmas.
Stewie Griffin: 9/11.
Richard Dawson: And something you do on the weekends.
Lois Griffin: Go to church.
Stewie Griffin: Black guys.
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.


Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!


Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: OK, so no leads then?
Consuela: Oh no, no. Doggie out!
Brian Griffin: What?
Consuela: Out. Afuera!
Brian Griffin: What? I live here.
Consuela: No no, afuera!
Brian Griffin: Look, I'm just trying to... owww!
Consuela: Hola?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, could you please put Brian back on?
Consuela: No, noooh. D-doggie afuera.
Stewie Griffin: You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh listen, I don't mean to point any fingers. But I'm missing about a thousand dollars in play money.
Consuela: I take.
Stewie Griffin: Wh-what? You took it?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie Griffin: Well, give it back!
Consuela: Come get, bitch!
08x03 - Spies Reminiscent of Us Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] Boy, who woulda thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."


Russian Man: Shut up, 2476.
08x03 - Spies Reminiscent of Us Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us

Peter Griffin: Let me show you something that's funny. Okay here's an impression of John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving.


Peter Griffin: I'm John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving pilgrims! Happy Thanksgiving pilgrims!
Stewie Griffin: Hahaha, Where's this guy been?
Dan Aykroyd: Well, Mr.Griffin, this has been a lot of fun.
Chevy Chase: Lot of fun.
Dan Aykroyd: But we've gotta get back over to our place and kind uh- do what... What do we have to do?
Chevy Chase: Roll some joints and get high.
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, we gotta do those things.
Peter Griffin: That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives.
Stewie Griffin: Amen.
Dan Aykroyd: No Peter, *you're* not funny.
Chevy Chase: I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all.
Peter Griffin: I don't get it.
Chevy Chase: You're painfully unfunny.
Peter Griffin: Get the fuck out of my house!
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm a new neighbor, and you're my pet human, Hotchkis, got it?
Stewie Griffin: [stammers] I'm not so crazy about "Hotchkis" anymore.
Brian Griffin: What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkis.
Stewie Griffin: Eh, I know, but how about Axel or Maximillian or Dex? You know, it's gotta have an "x" in it 'cause that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and...


Dog Peter: [scampering to the door] Omigodiknowthatsounditmeanstheresapotentialintruderatthefrontdoororoneofmyp alseitherwayimexcitedandreadyforanything! [opens the door] Hello!
Stewie Griffin: Heh.
Brian Griffin: Hello, my name is Blake Carrington.
Stewie Griffin: Aw.
Brian Griffin: And this is my human, Gabe.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, what?
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: Uhh, Brian? This feels weird...
Brian Griffin: Hit the button!
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: [sighs as human Brian walks off at the end] "Ah, look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind, where he finally reach the full pent-OH MY GOD HE GOT HIT BY A CAR! [tires screech off-screen, followed by an audible THUD] "
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: Oh, God, let's go, quick! Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: And now, here's something we hope you really like.
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stewie Griffin: [singing] I got veins. They carry blood all over my baddy.


Stewie Griffin: That's how John Mayer would say it. Baddy. I'm really into him right now. You'd better be okay with it!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Lois Griffin: Now, honey, this won't hurt.


Stewie Griffin: Ah, those lying bastards at Johnson and Johnson!


Scientist #1: We'll put "No more tears" on the bottle.
Scientist #2: But it does make you cry.
Scientist #1: I know. Whoo-ha-ha-ha.
Scientist #2: Whoo-ha-ha-ha.
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine!
Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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