Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: Uh, hello?
Employee: Yes, welcome to McDonald's can I help you?
Stewie Griffin: Ah, hailing frequencies open huh? Ah, yeah we're gonna get uh two McChicken sandwiches and a Diet coke and... what do you want Michael?
Michael Dorn: A McDLT?
Stewie Griffin: No, I already told you they don't make those anymore.
Michael Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.
Stewie Griffin: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.
Jonathan Frakes: I want a Shamrock Shake if they've got any of those.
Stewie Griffin: It's September Jonathan!
LeVar Burton: Stewie, can I take this fuckin' headband off?
Stewie Griffin: No, LeVar you're blind. That's the only way you can see!
Michael Dorn: I'm just saying they have *all* the ingredients for a McDL...


Stewie Griffin: Just hang on alright? There's a lot of us. There's a lot... It's a big order!
Patrick Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?
Stewie Griffin: It's three o'clock!
Patrick Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Stewie Griffin: None of them serve breakfast all day!
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Marina Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking shut up and get a salad!
Brent Spiner: I want some McNuggets!
Stewie Griffin: We'll get to you Brent.
Wil Wheaton: I want a hamburger. No, I want a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake!
Patrick Stewart: [backhands Wil Wheaton] You'll get nothing and like it!
07x07 - Ocean's Three and a Half Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half

Brian Griffin: What's it called?
Stewie Griffin: Susie.
Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie Griffin: Name twenty!
Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.
Stewie Griffin: Name six more!
Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Stewie Griffin: Name five more!
Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!
07x07 - Ocean's Three and a Half Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie has just shown Brian his music video] Don't worry, Brian. Those goosebumps will go away in about twenty minutes.
Brian Griffin: Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.
07x05 - The Man With Two Brians Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians

Stewie Griffin: Hey New Brian bad news. You gotta leave.
New Brian: What are you talking about? This is my home
Stewie Griffin: Nobody likes you here man
New Brian: Well I disagree I think everyone likes me
Stewie Griffin: No we don't! We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den
New Brian: Well Rupert seemed to like my humping
Stewie Griffin: What did you say?
New Brian: Rupert. I humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.
Stewie Griffin: Did he?
New Brian: Yeah and now every time you sleep with him he's gonna be thinking of me
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie stares angrily at New Brian for a beat. Cut to outside where Stewie is dragging a large bloody garbage bag to the street]
07x05 - The Man With Two Brians Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians

Stewie Griffin: [He is sitting in the shower washing Rupert] We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I-I don't blame you.
07x04 - Baby Not On Board Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board

Stewie Griffin: Mummy, Daddy, Chris, Dog, Brian! They're home!
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: But where do we find uranium in WWII Europe?
Brian Griffin: There's only one place, at the top secret atomic research facility... in Berlin.
Stewie Griffin: Wait a minute, Germany's building Weapons of Mass Destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses?
Brian Griffin: I don't know [slowly turns toward the camera] maybe because they don't have any oil?
Stewie Griffin: Oooooohhhh... [he applauds] oh clap clap clap clap clap!
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: Mort? Hello? Mort?
Stewie Griffin: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking on the street paws!
Brian Griffin: I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down.
Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: My time machine's been activated.
Brian Griffin: Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.


European See 'n Say: The pig goes "WANK!"


European See 'n Say: The cow goes "SHAZOO!"
Stewie Griffin: It most certainly does not!


European See 'n Say: The rooster goes "GICKORY GEE!"
Stewie Griffin: Where? Where does the rooster say that?


European See 'n Say: The monkey goes "MACAQUE!"
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, no, no! It does not!


European See 'n Say: The elephant goes "THWOMP!"
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah, kinda.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

RAF Commander: Men, as officers of the Royal Air Force, you're the very best in the world. However, this mission to Germany will not be an easy one. Four and a half of every five of you will not return. Half of Jenson there can tell you it gets pretty sticky.
Jenson: But I never lost me good spirits, I haven't.
RAF Commander: So let's get up there, be safe, and get back to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home.
Stewie Griffin: Pardon me, Sir. I'd like to join.
RAF Commander: What are your qualifications?
Stewie Griffin: I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth, and my wife is ghastly!
RAF Commander: Bombs away!
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: Remember Brian, don't touch anything when we are in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
Brian Griffin: Really?
Stewie Griffin: Nah you can do whatever you want.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: OK, if everything worked properly this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now we just got to find out where we are.
Brian Griffin: Or WHEN we are.
Stewie Griffin: Ah that's such a douche time traveler thing to say. [a Cow says SHAZOOM]. Okay we are somewhere in Europe.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: [Brian, Stewie and Mort are stuck in Warsaw Poland during the invasion] Stewie, the return pad isn't working!
Stewie Griffin: Yeah and you know what's not gonna fix it, your shouting.
Mort Goldman: Oh God. Should we ask somebody for help?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah right. How many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: [Brian goes looking for Mort Goldman] Mort? Hello?
Stewie Griffin: Hey hey hey hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty, walking-on-the-street paws!
07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Stewie Griffin: [Surfin' Bird is playing for the umpteenth time, and they're both on the couch feeling exasperated] Brian?
Brian Griffin: Yeah?
Stewie Griffin: I don't feel so good. [a stream of blood starts to trickle from his nose]
07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him.
Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois.
Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad?
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard?
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!

07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.


Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.


Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.
07x01 - Love Blactually Season 7 / Episode 1: - Love Blactually

Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing that Brian is also dressed as Snoopy for the costume party] Ugh, you know. This is why you... Brian, remember. For the last couple of weeks, I kept saying "Can I have a couple of minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about! This evening is "rueened!"
Brian Griffin: Look, I... Wait, what?
Stewie Griffin: This evening is rueened! The whole evening is rueened!
Brian Griffin: Why are you saying it like that?
Stewie Griffin: Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's rueened.
Brian Griffin: You know what? I'm not gonna get sucked into this.


Brian Griffin: Okay, just so that I'm sure. Really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say it?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm talking about this rueened evening.
Brian Griffin: That's not how you say "ruined."
Stewie Griffin: What? Rueened?
Brian Griffin: What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures?
Stewie Griffin: Ruins.
Brian Griffin: And how would you describe this evening?
Stewie Griffin: Well, rueened, of course. This evening is rueened.
Brian Griffin: Say "ruined."
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Ruined.
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Ruined.
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Dumbass.
Stewie Griffin: Well, Brian. Don't be "cruelle."
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian when he becomes a magician to impress a girl] You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show.
Brian Griffin: Really?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah. We'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Saw me in half.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Tracy: Brian, this is Dylan. He's your son.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [to Lois] Don't worry. I got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.


Stewie Griffin: Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!
Dylan: I'm out of here.
Stewie Griffin: Huh, did you see that, Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Stewie Griffin: How can you have a 13-year-old son when you're only 7?
Brian Griffin: Those are dog years.
Stewie Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian Griffin: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: Gosh, this is a... lovely home, Tracy.
Stewie Griffin: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.
06x10 - Play it Again, Brian Season 6 / Episode 10: - Play it Again, Brian

Brian Griffin: [answers phone] Hello?
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count Nyquil as a beverage? No, right?
Brian Griffin: No.
Stewie Griffin: Yea, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks Brian.
06x10 - Play it Again, Brian Season 6 / Episode 10: - Play it Again, Brian

Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right?
06x08 - McStroke Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke

Stewie Griffin: [after Stewie becomes the most popular boy at school] Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian Griffin: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie Griffin: Oh no, Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian Griffin: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie Griffin: Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea.
Brian Griffin: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space, that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and, sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie Griffin: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.
06x07 - Peter's Daughter Season 6 / Episode 7: - Peter's Daughter

Stewie Griffin: [Through the walkie-talkie] Brian, pick up, over.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Brian, please say 'over' when you finish talking, over.
Brian Griffin: What? Over.
Stewie Griffin: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian Griffin: No.
Stewie Griffin: No... What? Over.
Brian Griffin: No... Over.
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through, over.
Brian Griffin: Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why you asked me if I can see it?
Stewie Griffin: Didn't copy that, over.
Brian Griffin: I said, why you asked me if I can see it if you haven't started feeding it... Over.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's better, I can hear you now, over, you see it yet? Over.
Brian Griffin: You know? You're a jackass, for the record I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie Griffin: when this is what, Brian? Over.
Brian Griffin: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie Griffin: When this is what? You have to finish your sentence, over
Brian Griffin: That's it! My sentence is over.
Stewie Griffin: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian Griffin: My sentence is... Wait a minute, I have to say 'over' even if the sentence ends with the word 'over'?
Stewie Griffin: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over
Brian Griffin: [wire starts falling down] Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie Griffin: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian Griffin: OVER! [Brian pulls the wire down and Stewie falls with it]
06x06 - Padre de Familia Season 6 / Episode 6: - Padre de Familia

Peter Griffin: Hello, my American family.
Lois Griffin: Peter, where did you get that suit?
Stewie Griffin: My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp!
06x05 - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2)

Stewie Griffin: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry, you look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the dark ages, you'll do exactly as I say.


Avery Bullock: What are your demands?
06x05 - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2)

Simon Cowell: Stewie, what the hell was that?
Stewie Griffin: That was, uh, "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.
Simon Cowell: One of the worst I've ever heard.
Stewie Griffin: Okay.
Simon Cowell: Stewie, you shouldn't actually be alive you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much I want to shoot you in your face.
Stewie Griffin: All right.
Paula Abdul: Honey, I liked you but you're just not right for *this* competition.
Randy Jackson: Yo, dawg I gotta tell you from me man. That was not even half good dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie?


Stewie Griffin: I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' about! Next time they hears about me they's gonna be like, "We was wrong about Stewie!" Cause I's gonna be huge! I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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