Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #3 of 27 (Full List)

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Stewie Griffin Family Guy

Stewie Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Stewie Griffin Quotes

11x10 - Brian's Play Season 11 / Episode 10: - Brian's Play

Stewie Griffin: [to Lois] Close your purse. I can see your tampons. And why do you need six? What happens to you?
11x10 - Brian's Play Season 11 / Episode 10: - Brian's Play

Brian: You know, Stewie, I have seen your play and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You are our future.
Stewie Griffin: What the fuck are you talking about?
11x10 - Brian's Play Season 11 / Episode 10: - Brian's Play

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired clichés. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little."
Peter Griffin: [Cutaway to Peter reading "Stuart Little"] I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.
Lois Griffin: No, Peter.
Peter Griffin: Little means mouse?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I feel so old and in the way.
11x09 - Space Cadet Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet

Lois Griffin: Hey, Chris! There's my big, smart son. My special guy. My Chrissy.
Stewie Griffin: Sounds like someone got her vibrator working again.
11x09 - Space Cadet Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet

Lois Griffin: Stewie, hold my hand.
Stewie Griffin: No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.
11x09 - Space Cadet Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet

Stewie Griffin: I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson.
Brian Griffin: Who's Derek Watson?
Stewie Griffin: Nobody now.
11x06 - Lois Comes Out of Her Shell Season 11 / Episode 6: - Lois Comes Out of Her Shell

Stewie Griffin: [Super Mario has saved Stewie from Sheldon] Super Mario? What are you doing here?
Super Mario: I jump on the turtles, Stewie. It is not much of a life, but it is my life.
11x01 - Into Fat Air Season 11 / Episode 1: - Into Fat Air

Stewie Griffin: [while walking around on Everest as it gets colder] And the scarf Brian called "a gay waste" makes a rather important appearance.
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags [throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims [emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Stewie Griffin: Ah, the best part of waiting for the Queen to show up is calling Prince Charles a Wanker as he goes past. Oh, Prince Charles? You're a Wanker!
Prince Charles: Yes, yes, I know, yes.
Various: You're a wanker!
Various: Wanker!
Prince Charles: Yes, yes, well done.
Various: Wanker!
Prince Charles: Yes, quite right.
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Meg Griffin: Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions and I want you to have it.
Stewie Griffin: RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Is anybody else seeing this?
10x14 - Be Careful What You Fish For Season 10 / Episode 14: - Be Careful What You Fish For

Miss Emily: [to Brian] I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess .
Brian Griffin: Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.
Stewie Griffin: Scratch-and-sniff "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." [looks at the book] Oh, God! That's terrible! [picks up another book] Oh, here's a pop-up book: "Tommy Lee Goes Boating."
10x14 - Be Careful What You Fish For Season 10 / Episode 14: - Be Careful What You Fish For

Brian Griffin: [when he stops by Stewie's daycare] Hey, Stewie. How's it going?
Stewie Griffin: Brian, what are you doing here?
Brian Griffin: Came by to check on my pal. Where's, uh, Miss Emily?
Stewie Griffin: I haven't seen her yet today. She gave me the keys to open up when she left yesterday. I thought you said you were gonna talk to her.
Brian Griffin: I did, a-and she's doing her best, you know? She's got a lot on her plate. She's got school, she's got work...
Stewie Griffin: This is her work!
10x14 - Be Careful What You Fish For Season 10 / Episode 14: - Be Careful What You Fish For

Stewie Griffin: [when he finds out Brian is interested in Miss Emily] You're disgusting.
Brian Griffin: Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection which is totally unexpected. And by the way, I actually think she's doing a pretty good job. She's teaching you guys independence.
Stewie Griffin: We're one! Independence means we die!
10x14 - Be Careful What You Fish For Season 10 / Episode 14: - Be Careful What You Fish For

Brian Griffin: [When Stewie comes home from daycare with one of his arms hanging limply and dragging along the floor] Stewie, what's going on? Aren't you supposed to be at day care?
Stewie Griffin: I escaped.
Brian Griffin: What happened to your arm?
Stewie Griffin: I finally stood up for all of us and told Miss Emily we should be given a proper lunch and not just what's left over from her Baja Fresh, and she said I shouldn't raise my voice and pulled me really hard into the other room, and my arm came out of its socket.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny?
Stewie Griffin: Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom! Mom!
Brian Griffin: [stops Stewie] You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked.
Stewie Griffin: Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm?
Brian Griffin: I'll just pop it back in.
Stewie Griffin: You most certainly will not! I need to go to a hospital.
Lois Griffin: [off-screen] Brian, is Stewie in there with you?
Stewie Griffin: Mom! [Brian grabs Stewie, putting his hand over his mouth as he rips a page out of his book and stuffs it in his mouth]
Brian Griffin: We're in here, Lois. He's napping. [to Stewie] Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in. [grabs Stewie's arm and starts to pop Stewie's shoulder back in place as Stewie screams into the wad of paper. Stewie pulls free from Brian after a few seconds and tries to crawl away, but Brian grabs him again and continues to try to pop Stewie's shoulder back in place] Get in there! C... come on! Hold still, Stewie! [Brian grabs his book and uses it to pop Stewie's arm back into place, Stewie spits the paper out and coughs as he rubs his arm]
Stewie Griffin: I'm not saying I like pain, but I'm not saying I don't like it either.
10x14 - Be Careful What You Fish For Season 10 / Episode 14: - Be Careful What You Fish For

Stewie Griffin: [after Brian has Miss Emily arrested] Man, when she gets to jail, she's gonna be major lez-chow.
Brian Griffin: She sure is, Stewie. She sure is.
10x06 - Thanksgiving Season 10 / Episode 6: - Thanksgiving

Brian Griffin: How are things?
Ida Davis: Good.
Stewie Griffin: He threw up when he found out you were a monster.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Brian Griffin: That's odd, that's our house but something looks a little different.
1999 Meg Griffin: [from inside the house] Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?
Pilot Lois: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.
Brian Griffin: That's nothing, look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he had ever seen.
Stewie Griffin: [in the pilot] But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!
Brian Griffin: Jeez, what'd you carry a thesaurus around with you?
Stewie Griffin: Y'know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Brian Griffin: [in the pilot] Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Stewie Griffin: Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose.
Peter Griffin: [in the pilot] Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
Stewie Griffin: Ah, ew, gross look at that!


Brian Griffin: Wait, what are they doing?
Stewie Griffin: I dunno, they're just... standing there like zombies.
Brian Griffin: Do you think they're all right?
Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm not sure.
Lois Griffin: [from the pilot] And then there was that time at the ice cream store. [the Griffins stand silently for a few more seconds]
Brian Griffin: They're doing it again, what the hell?
Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm at a loss.
Brian Griffin: I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we... call an ambulance? [pause]
Stewie Griffin: That is so creepy.
Brian Griffin: [from the pilot, emerging from behind the table] And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"? [they stand around again]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they're-they're doi-they're setting up goddamn cutaways.
Brian Griffin: Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot.


Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman.


Lois Griffin: You sure you got time to smoke?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Stewie Griffin: [a Duplicate Brian and Stewie have shown up, and they are floating around inside Barbershop Signs for some reason] My God! What happened to you?
Duplicate Brian Griffin: We don't know. But this is Life now!
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Stewie Griffin: Watch out for Ernie, he's getting a CAT scan.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Stewie Griffin: What they do turns out to be alright, it's what you're about to do that unleashes utter bedlam!
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Stewie Griffin: And remember, no stopping 9/11, no Harry Potter novels, just return to your own time periods and stay there!
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Stewie Griffin: We're from the further-further-further-further-further-further future!
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Stewie Griffin: [when too many clones show up] GET THE FUCK BACK IN YOUR TIME MACHINE!
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Stewie Griffin: Hi. I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's "Family Guy" was a very special episode about drug use, but the simple fact is it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Lois Griffin: Look, the bottom line here Meg is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.
Meg Griffin: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role-model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the pornstar, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her?
Lois Griffin: [scoffs] So what? A... all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences
Meg Griffin: Are you? Are you a better person?
Lois Griffin: What's your point, Meg?
Meg Griffin: My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.
Lois Griffin: Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is?
Meg Griffin: [chuckles] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I... I don't know that I ever want to see you again!


Stewie Griffin: [looking at his phone] Oh, wow, everybody's already Twitting "Stewie Just Said That".
Lois Griffin: Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg! Can you, ever forgive me? Oh, God!


Meg Griffin: And you never let dad stir the paint anymore... whatever that means.
Peter Griffin: I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.
10x01 - Powerball Fever Season 10 / Episode 1: - Powerball Fever

Stewie Griffin: I've had a giant mobile put in the sky to help me relax. I hope that bear comes round soon, that's my favourite. Oh, look, the bear!
09x18 - It's a Trap! Season 9 / Episode 18: - It's a Trap!

Stewie Griffin: [after the power goes of] Oh god, we're going to do Jedi, aren't we?

Previous: Lois Griffin Next: Brian Griffin
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