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Peter Griffin Family Guy

Peter Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Peter Griffin Quotes

04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross? AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffen.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plough you.
04x01 - North by North Quahog Season 4 / Episode 1: - North by North Quahog

Peter Griffin: Uh, excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room.
Guy: You're Mel Gibson?
Peter Griffin: Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English.
Guy: Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!
04x01 - North by North Quahog Season 4 / Episode 1: - North by North Quahog

Peter Griffin: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like "Dark Angel," "Titus," "Undeclared," "Action," "That 80's Show," "Wonderfalls," "Fastlane," "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Skin," "Girls Club," "Cracking Up," "The Pits," "Firefly," "Get Real," "Freaky Links," "Wanda at Large," "Costello," "The Lone Gunmen," "A Minute With Stan Hooper," "Normal, Ohio," "Pasadena," "Harsh Realm," "Keen Eddie," "The Street," "American Embassy," "Cedric the Entertainer," "The Tick," "Louie," and "Greg the Bunny."
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
04x01 - North by North Quahog Season 4 / Episode 1: - North by North Quahog

Peter Griffin: [after "Family Guy" returns to Fox with new episodes, after a few years off the air] Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", "Skin", "Girls Club", "Cracking Up", "The Pitts", "Firefly", "Get Real", "Freaky Links", "Wanda at Large", "Costello", "The Lone Gunmen", "A Minute with Stan Hooper", "Normal, Ohio", "Pasadena", "Harsh Realm", "Keen Eddie", "The Street", "American Embassy", "Cedric the Entertainer", "The Tick", "Louie", and "Greg the Bunny".
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Peter Griffin: [singing] Nothing else has worked so far/So I'll wish upon a star/Wondrous, dancing speck of light/I need a Jew/Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our checkbook looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew/Where to find/A Baum or Steen or Stein/To teach me how to whine and do my taxes?
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Peter Griffin: They better not be expecting us to give money, because I gave at church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Peter Griffin: Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
03x21 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 Season 3 / Episode 21: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #1

Peter Griffin: I say, Quagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million dollars.
Quagmire: Good thing we swore off women so we wouldn't be distracted and unable to accumulate this vast amount of wealth.
Peter Griffin: Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Peter Griffin: No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois. Not even Peter Criss!
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Peter Griffin: What I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world. My wife did KISS!
Lois Griffin: [quietly] And J. Geils.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.
03x19 - Stuck Together, Torn Apart Season 3 / Episode 19: - Stuck Together, Torn Apart

Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?


Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...


Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!


Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!


Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?


Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.


Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.


Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!

03x19 - Stuck Together, Torn Apart Season 3 / Episode 19: - Stuck Together, Torn Apart

Peter Griffin: [Spying Lois from outside to the restourant with binoculars] What the hell is Lois doing with another man?
Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore? [He looks at Peter] Oh, know you, just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dyalipsis? As in my fantasy? Oh, you know what? Let's start over, Hi! I'm Quagmire! [He reaches his hand to Peter]
03x19 - Stuck Together, Torn Apart Season 3 / Episode 19: - Stuck Together, Torn Apart

Peter Griffin: [Trying to hear Lois with her old boyfriend in a restourant from the policial van of Joe, turning round the knob] Wait I got to hear more!
Joe Swanson: Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high!
Quagmire: [Guys hear Quagmire's thoughts] Damn, this itches, I wonder who gave it to me, problably that skank that needed a ride in the gas station, it's the last time I do somebody a favor... Oh, they must have heard me, oh God! I can hear me... [starts singing, watching everywhere while Joe, Peter and Cleveland are watching him]
03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Lois Griffin: You're completely...
Dotty Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris Griffin: [freaking out] Permission to freak out?
Lois Griffin: [whispering] Peter, did you know about this?
Peter Griffin: I... I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.
03x17 - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows Season 3 / Episode 17: - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Peter Griffin: [talking to Meg] No speakie until the man speakie to you.
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yep! Now here's the plan: you'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there's an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird, amphibious dolphin.
Brian: [pause] Can I buy some pot from you?
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Peter Griffin: [as a salesman unplugs a display TV, showing Peter's favorite holiday movie] Hey! I was watching that.
TV Shop Owner: It'll be on next Christmas.
Peter Griffin: Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Brian: Sorry Peter, the VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.


FBI guy: Do you have the expressed written permission of the NFL and ABC?
Peter Griffin: [showing a form] Just ABC.

03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Peter Griffin: Where's my VCR?
Redneck Kid 1: Dang it Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box.
Redneck Kid 2: It's my sex box, and her name is Sony.
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone.
Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...


Peter Griffin: Oh, you guys are ASSES.
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Brian Griffin: You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor, now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Brian Griffin: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.
03x15 - Ready, Willing, and Disabled Season 3 / Episode 15: - Ready, Willing, and Disabled

Peter Griffin: [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.


Peter Griffin: [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!


Peter Griffin: [on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now!
Peter Griffin: There you have it.
Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame


Tom Tucker: that's *you* driving the car.
Peter Griffin: Well, there's your hook.
Tom Tucker: Get out.
03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antietam, I mean when a Neo-Conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibustered deoxymonohydroxinate
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?
03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Peter Griffin: [laughs]
Brian Griffin: [reading Nate Griffin's diary] See, that laugh is in here too. "Hehheheheheehehehe"
03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.


Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! [hands a book to Meg] Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you! [sprays holy water on Chris] The power of Christ compels you!


Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!


Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.


Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.


Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

  Next: Lois Griffin
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