Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #1 of 27 (Full List)

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Peter Griffin Family Guy

Peter Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Peter Griffin Quotes

06x09 - Back to the Woods Season 6 / Episode 9: - Back to the Woods

Joe Swanson: You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
Peter Griffin: Hey, you know we should do? We should go, just as a goof.
Quagmire: That would be hilarious.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
Cleveland: All the dumb-ass Manilow fans.
Peter Griffin: I mean he's got like one good song.
Quagmire: Yeah... I mean "Mandy" is not terrible.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, the opening is okay.
Cleveland: And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana".
Quagmire: Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
Joe Swanson: "Daybreak" is a good song.
Cleveland: Oh, yeah.
Peter Griffin: That's a good song. And I like "Weekend in New England".
Quagmire: Yeah, that's a good one. "Looks Like We Made It".
Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's not bad.
Quagmire: Right.


Joe Swanson: [sotto voice] I love Barry Manilow.
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, he's the best!
Quagmire: I have everything he's ever recorded!
Cleveland: Me too, in my car!
Peter Griffin: We have to go to that concert!
06x09 - Back to the Woods Season 6 / Episode 9: - Back to the Woods

David Letterman: Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen. Now please welcome out next guest Mr.James Woods.


David Letterman: Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.
Peter Griffin: [shows Dave his cards] Oh I believe I am. Driver's licence. Social Security. American Master Card.
James Woods: What the hell is he doing?
David Letterman: Wow, I guess you are James Woods. Now let me understand what are you here to promote James?
Peter Griffin: Well Dave I have a hilarious new comedy coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11 Two thousand Fun.


James Woods: No. No. No. No. No.
David Letterman: James that sounds unbeliveably offensive to Americans.
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard what the movie's all about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center and then I turn around to get off the scaffold and what do I see coming, a plane. And I go 'Come on'. You it's real old style comedy. It's like two pies in the face and one in the field of Pennsylvania.
David Letterman: James, I don't want to hear anymore about this.
Peter Griffin: And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
James Woods: What, I would never work with David Spade. That dwarf, that skinny chicken shit.
06x09 - Back to the Woods Season 6 / Episode 9: - Back to the Woods

Peter Griffin: [Peter reads in the paper that the guy who rented Garden State ahead of him, like he wanted to, watched it and then lost the will to live] It could have been me!
06x08 - McStroke Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke

Lois Griffin: [on Peter's new mustache] I think it's handsome.
Brian Griffin: I think it's gay.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Brian Griffin: Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!
Peter Griffin: He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.
06x08 - McStroke Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke

Peter Griffin: [Peter and Brian are inside a slaughterhouse] My God! What is this?
Brian Griffin: This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
The Cow: Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow.
Peter Griffin: DaCow?
The Cow: DaCow. Except we spell the chau part C-O-W, like cow. So it's kind of, uh... eh, sort of a dark joke.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's, that's really funny.
06x08 - McStroke Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke

Peter Griffin: [Looking for a remedy, Peter limps along the street with half his body sagging after a stroke and comes across a stem cell lab with a sign reading "walk-ins welcome". Peter limps inside and some time later, Peter walks out 100% again, asking the guard] How long was I in there?
Guard: About five minutes.
Peter Griffin: [astounded] *Why* are we not *funding* this?
06x06 - Padre de Familia Season 6 / Episode 6: - Padre de Familia

Brian Griffin: Peter you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.
Peter Griffin: That's not true Brian. I remember 9/11. [Flashback to Lois watching 9/11 news footage. Peter walks by] 'Eh must have been a woman pilot huh?
06x06 - Padre de Familia Season 6 / Episode 6: - Padre de Familia

Peter Griffin: Now your talking Angela, this country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig a new house


Peter the Pig: ah I wouldn't do that if I were you
Big Bad wolf: What?
Peter the Pig: I said I wouldn't do that


Peter the Pig: I said knock it of.
Big Bad wolf: why?
Peter the Pig: Because I made stool in there & if you blow it down the whole woods is gonna stink. do you understand, do you understand me sir.
06x06 - Padre de Familia Season 6 / Episode 6: - Padre de Familia

Peter Griffin: Hello, my American family.
Lois Griffin: Peter, where did you get that suit?
Stewie Griffin: My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp!
06x06 - Padre de Familia Season 6 / Episode 6: - Padre de Familia

Carter: What's going on here?
Peter Griffin: We're taking what's ours! Actually, we're taking what's yours, but we don't think you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it!
06x06 - Padre de Familia Season 6 / Episode 6: - Padre de Familia

Immigration Officer: Complete this sentence: The land of the free and the home of the blank.
Peter Griffin: Home of the Whopper?
06x05 - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2)

Peter Griffin: It's just been revoked!
Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I'll have what she's having!
Brian Griffin: That's... better?
06x04 - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1)

Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship's Captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.
06x04 - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1)

Peter Griffin: Boy this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?
Lois Griffin: It sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic.
Peter Griffin: What girl?
Lois Griffin: The *lead* in Titanic. The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio.
Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Lois Griffin: No it wasn't!
Peter Griffin: Yes it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at you out here on a big trip.
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Peter Griffin: Boys there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do. Like taking out Hitler.
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Cleveland: [after falling into Spider-Man's net] Hey thanks Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one, isn't that right Peter?
Peter Griffin: Yep Cleveland, apparently everybody gets one.
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair?
Joe: I gave it away.
Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee!
Adam West: My tulips! You dick.
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper. [Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry. Peter is holding a clipboard with shopping items listed on it, which he is reading from]
Peter Griffin: A palette? Am-am I readin' this right? Y-You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh-wh-where the hell am i supposed to - a-an-an-and wh-what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that - wh-what is that - is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that - a-a-an-and wh-wh-wha - look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk - wh-where are you gettin' these units of measurements from?
Jackée Harry: Mary.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, i'll be right back with... [reads from the clipboard] a hammock of cake.
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing; it is an absolute eyesore.
Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the Clam, we've got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house! [Shot changes to outside of the second floor of the house, where there's a giant hole in Stewie's room]
Stewie Griffin: What is this? There's something wrong with the house! I don't like change!
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard!
Peter Griffin: Why not? Herbert did it.

[pan to Herbert sitting at a wooden booth reading "Quahog Boys' Club: Free Popsicles and Shoulder Rubs"]
Herbert: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA! Hmm...
06x01 - Blue Harvest Season 6 / Episode 1: - Blue Harvest

Peter Griffin: This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with part four.
06x01 - Blue Harvest Season 6 / Episode 1: - Blue Harvest

Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris Griffin: I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter Griffin: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris Griffin: Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
05x18 - Meet the Quagmires Season 5 / Episode 18: - Meet the Quagmires

Peter Griffin: Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.
05x18 - Meet the Quagmires Season 5 / Episode 18: - Meet the Quagmires

Lois Griffin: Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you.
Peter Griffin: Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again.


Roger Smith: Who ate all the pecan sandies?
05x16 - No Chris Left Behind Season 5 / Episode 16: - No Chris Left Behind

Lois Griffin: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have?
Peter Griffin: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... [eyes widen looking toward the window] oh... crap! [Ernie the Giant Chicken stands outside the window and tackles Peter and another fight occurs between them]
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?
Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Peter Griffin: You know that Chuck Norris is so tough, that there is no chin behind is beard, it's only another fist.
Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous. [he finds Chuck Norris behind him. then a fist come out of his beard and punches out Brian]
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Peter Griffin: If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. [pauses then looks to the camera] Yeah.
05x14 - No Meals On Wheels Season 5 / Episode 14: - No Meals On Wheels

Peter Griffin: [buried beneath a pile of cripples and Ben Stiller has landed] Ben Stiller, help me.
Ben Stiller: No, Peter. I've heard what you've said about my movies.
Peter Griffin: How did you hear?
Ben Stiller: [pointing at his huge ears, speaking angrily] Uh, hello!
Peter Griffin: Go to hell you mutant offspring of comedy people.
05x14 - No Meals On Wheels Season 5 / Episode 14: - No Meals On Wheels

Peter Griffin: [in a cutaway when he swaps voices with Patrick Stewart] Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

  Next: Lois Griffin
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