Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #1 of 27 (Full List)

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Peter Griffin Family Guy

Peter Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Peter Griffin Quotes

08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not.
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Peter Griffin: Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table.
Lois Griffin: I most certainly will not!
Peter Griffin: It's me or your religion, I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house!
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a *nicer* house!
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
Peter Griffin: Well Played.
Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.

08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Lois Griffin: [during foreplay, Lois has discovered a lump on her breast] Peter, we're not having sex. I just told you I have a lump.
Peter Griffin: I have a lump, too, and mine's easier to get rid of.
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Lois Griffin: [checking the mail, she jumps when the mailbox explodes] AHH! What the hell?


Lois Griffin: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Peter Griffin: Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.
Mort Goldman: [approaching] Good morning, Lois.


Mort Goldman: [ducking] Ahh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, for god's sake! I am so sorry, Mort.
Mort Goldman: No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me.


Mort Goldman: Hey, Joe!
Joe Swanson: [off-screen] Hey, Mort!
07x16 - Peter's Progress Season 7 / Episode 16: - Peter's Progress

Peter Griffin: We will have equal rights for all. Except Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, Gays, women, Muslims. Uhmm... Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white, so no Italians, no Polish, just people from Ireland, England, and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh... America!
07x15 - Three Kings Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings

Peter Griffin: Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.
07x15 - Three Kings Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings

Peter Griffin: Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books. So I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight, I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me", about four young boys who went looking for a dead body, and instead found... themselves... and also a dead body.
07x15 - Three Kings Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings

Peter Griffin: Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trooper. And you passed our test. And you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's "Misery".
07x15 - Three Kings Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings

Peter Griffin: Everybody still awake? Alright, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story where the guy went up to the empty hotel and there were those creepy twins and the guy was running around with that ax and the kid talked to his finger? Ah ha, can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's "The Shawshank Redemption".
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Peter Griffin: Now pick that one up and put it down in the exact same spot.
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Lois Griffin: Peter, what exactly are you worried will happen because of this?
Peter Griffin: World War 5!
Lois Griffin: Peter, we've talked about this, there has to be a World War 3 and 4 first.
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, Lois. That's the beauty of World War 5. It's so intense it jumps right over World War 3 and 4.
Lois Griffin: But that's...
Peter Griffin: I have spoken!
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Stranger at the Gym: Ah, your kid just needs a little help. Try some of this [offers steroids] .
Peter Griffin: Well, if there's anyone I can trust it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle!
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'? [pause] Penis. [another pause] Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on? [laughs out loud]
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Cop: I will not put up with this. I'm a Family Guy!
Peter Griffin: Ha! There, he said it!
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Jack Nicholson: [in As Good As It Gets] All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets?
Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] Ha! He said it.
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Superman: [in Superman 4] In order to do this, I must become Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] So that's why this movie is called that.
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Quagmire: I am offering a $50 reward about James to anyone who knows what happened to him, no questions asked.
Peter Griffin: [taking the money] I killed your cat.
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Peter Griffin: Erm, in the episode where you drown your wife, why are you so fat?
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Brian Griffin: [after his car comes crashing through the window] I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.
Peter Griffin: Ha!
07x10 - FOX-y Lady Season 7 / Episode 10: - FOX-y Lady

Peter Griffin: Chris, can I talk with you in the kitchen?
07x09 - The Juice Is Loose! Season 7 / Episode 9: - The Juice Is Loose!

Peter Griffin: [while on the phone] Yeah, I'm babysitting for Stewie. I babysit now because I'm growing up. I am so getting hair down there.
07x09 - The Juice Is Loose! Season 7 / Episode 9: - The Juice Is Loose!

Peter Griffin: Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh? We'll stay in tonight, pop some popcorn, and watch Jimmy Kimmel try.
07x09 - The Juice Is Loose! Season 7 / Episode 9: - The Juice Is Loose!

Brian Griffin: [to Peter about the OJ Simpson trial] Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake.
Peter Griffin: You're saying all those guys in their powdery wigs and their Pilgrim hats and their big, gross wives were wrong? Man, they'd have to be stupider than you are when you fart yourself awake.
Brian Griffin: [Cutaway to Brian sleeping in the living room, then he farts and wakes up] Hello? What the... wha...? Who's there? What's going on? Whatever's happening in here, just knock it off.
07x09 - The Juice Is Loose! Season 7 / Episode 9: - The Juice Is Loose!

Peter Griffin: [after O.J. kills three people] Oh, I guess he did do it.
07x08 - Family Gay Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay

Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows?
Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death!
Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death?
Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat!
Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands!


Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back!


Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror!
Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet!


Woman: My baby's dead!
Peter Griffin: It's over.
07x08 - Family Gay Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay

Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again?
Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie.
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal.


Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!
07x08 - Family Gay Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay

Peter Griffin: [after the horse pees on the carpet] You know what? I don't want that him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee.
Lois Griffin: Peter, we...
Peter Griffin: Everybody pee... Now!
Stewie Griffin: We are an unusual family.
07x08 - Family Gay Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay

Lois Griffin: Peter, are you... gay?
Peter Griffin: [in a high-pitched voice] Guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
07x08 - Family Gay Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay

Chris Griffin: [while doing his homework] Darn it!
Peter Griffin: [comes into Chris' room] Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ?
Chris Griffin: Why is math so hard?
Peter Griffin: You know, it doesn't have to be. One trick I used is turning things into a word problem. For example, if there are three glory holes in the bathroom at the club and 28 guys at the circuit party how many rotations of guys will it take before everybody's had a turn?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Nine with a remainder of Brent.
Chris Griffin: Oh.
Peter Griffin: [sings] Because Brent can't fit in the glory hole and that's why we all like Brent. [raspberries twice]

  Next: Lois Griffin
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