Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

06x04 - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1)

Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship's Captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.
06x04 - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1)

Peter Griffin: Boy this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?
Lois Griffin: It sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic.
Peter Griffin: What girl?
Lois Griffin: The *lead* in Titanic. The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio.
Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Lois Griffin: No it wasn't!
Peter Griffin: Yes it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at you out here on a big trip.
06x04 - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1)

Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?
Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!
Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?
Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago!

06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing; it is an absolute eyesore.
Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the Clam, we've got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house! [Shot changes to outside of the second floor of the house, where there's a giant hole in Stewie's room]
Stewie Griffin: What is this? There's something wrong with the house! I don't like change!
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard!
Peter Griffin: Why not? Herbert did it.

[pan to Herbert sitting at a wooden booth reading "Quahog Boys' Club: Free Popsicles and Shoulder Rubs"]
Herbert: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA! Hmm...
06x02 - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you were spending the day with Jillian.
Brian: I was, but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing; I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title.
Lois Griffin: Oh, what is it?
Brian: Faster Than the Speed of Love.
Lois Griffin: [chuckles] That is... that is the worst title I've ever heard.
Brian: No, i-it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country.
Lois Griffin: [laughs] That's the movie Iron Eagle!
Brian: What? Is that-is that a recent film?
Lois Griffin: [still laughing] They made three sequels!
Brian: Yeah, well, i-in mine the boy's gotta gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father.
Lois Griffin: [laughing harder] That's one of the sequels! [she takes her laundry and leaves the room laughing]
Brian: Well-well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway!
Lois Griffin: [off camera; laughing hysterically] I'm gonna pee my pants!
06x02 - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your [starts laughing] book!


Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!
05x18 - Meet the Quagmires Season 5 / Episode 18: - Meet the Quagmires

Lois Griffin: [while dancing] Something just poked me!
Glen Quagmire: It's ok. It's just my penis.
05x18 - Meet the Quagmires Season 5 / Episode 18: - Meet the Quagmires

Lois Griffin: Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you.
Peter Griffin: Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again.


Roger Smith: Who ate all the pecan sandies?
05x16 - No Chris Left Behind Season 5 / Episode 16: - No Chris Left Behind

Lois Griffin: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have?
Peter Griffin: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... [eyes widen looking toward the window] oh... crap! [Ernie the Giant Chicken stands outside the window and tackles Peter and another fight occurs between them]
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?
Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.
05x14 - No Meals On Wheels Season 5 / Episode 14: - No Meals On Wheels

Lois Griffin: Peter, I swear to God, if you shock me, I'm leaving you.
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Peter Griffin: I can't do it. I can't go through with it.
Lois Griffin: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!
Peter Griffin: Screw our marriage, I love you!
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Lois Griffin: [reluctantly] Would you sleep with Peter?
Lois' Mom (Barbara): [definitively] Of course dear.
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Bill Clinton: [after having sex with Lois] Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?
Lois Griffin: What's that?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon Fuckin' That Ass! [laughs]
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Lois Griffin: Brian, what's this on my shoe?
Brian Griffin: My poop.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That's not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks! [leaves]
Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.


Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter! [Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.


Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why?
Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.

05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Peter Griffin: Holy crap! What the hell!
Joe Swanson: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter Griffin: Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!
Lois Griffin: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Brian Griffin: The thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.
Lois Griffin: Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance.
Brian Griffin: Well, uh, I think it's more than that. Uh... so, here's the thing, and don't get mad. And that part I can't stress enough. That's a great shirt, by the way. Um, I may have made out with Meg. [pause, then Lois punches Brian] Okay, I had the coming.
Lois Griffin: What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard?
Brian Griffin: Look, I was drinking...
Lois Griffin: Oh, what a shock!
Brian Griffin: [sarcastically laughs] Look, the short version is, this morning, she made me eat her hair pie... [Lois punches him again] No, It's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. [Lois punches him again] Stop punching me!
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk.


Meg Griffin: Mom!


Lois Griffin: OH MY GOD! You kids were doing it... in the EAR!
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my crotch.
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Lois Griffin: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is... it... its just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?


Brian Griffin: I love you!
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Peter Griffin: [after sex] Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter Griffin: What?
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Lois Griffin: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm gonna come right out with it. I think it would be hot for you and me to have sex in my office.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. There's no way that is going to happen. You know, it's no wonder you're so far behind in your work if this is how you behave at the office...
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Peter Griffin: Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you Xerox your penis?
Peter Griffin: 300 times. It's a flip book. Flip through it or you're fired.
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Lois Griffin: Oh, God, Peter let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now!
Peter Griffin: Lois, Lois wait. Wait. Opie's right there.
Lois Griffin: I want him to look, Peter.
05x03 - Hell Comes to Quahog Season 5 / Episode 3: - Hell Comes to Quahog

Lois Griffin: Bocce balls!

Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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