Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

04x20 - Patriot Games Season 4 / Episode 20: - Patriot Games

Chris Griffin: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
Lois Griffin: First of all, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris Griffin: Alright, well, where is she, cos I need her now!
04x19 - Brian Sings and Swings Season 4 / Episode 19: - Brian Sings and Swings

Lois Griffin: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of Jury duty.
Peter Griffin: [Cuts to a court room with Peter in the Jury box surrounded by only white people] Awful lotta Honkies in here.
04x17 - Fat Guy Strangler Season 4 / Episode 17: - Fat Guy Strangler

Lois Griffin: Peter, don't forget, you have your physical today at 1:00.
Peter Griffin: For the hundreth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag nag nag. Sometimes, I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.


Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home.
Peter Griffin: Wow, strange lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's me.
Peter Griffin: You know what? Screw it! I am SO gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois Griffin: Peter...
Peter Griffin: You got a condom? Never mind, I got this Milky Way wrapper.
04x17 - Fat Guy Strangler Season 4 / Episode 17: - Fat Guy Strangler

Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: What?


Doctor: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. [Looks at Peter] Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, What do you think? I'm pretty healthy, huh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. [Opens booklet and screams]


Doctor: There's a spider in here! [Turns to them] Now, here we go.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.


Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...


Doctor: ...When you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts!
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
Doctor: Uh, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this... [Peter and Lois boggle their eyes]... Kim 'Baasenger', 'Baysenger', 'Basenjer', 'Bay-singer'? But now, on to the cancer...


Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results... My, they're much worse than I thought.


Doctor: [Shows paper] My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Griffin, that liver has got to come out.


Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes now; it will get dry!
Lois Griffin: Please... Please, we can't take anymore schtick. Please just tell us: is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.
04x17 - Fat Guy Strangler Season 4 / Episode 17: - Fat Guy Strangler

Lois Griffin: [the Doctor is examining Peter] So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My Goodness! You'll be dead within a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [picks up a comic boook] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up this lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. [to Peter] Now, on to you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, hah?
Doctor: Well, Mr.Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. [picks up a chart] AH! [drops it]
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: There's a spider in here. [shakes the chart, the spider crawls out] Now, here we go. Mr.Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: [picks up a video tape] - when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is!
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim BAsinger? B-BAEsinger? B-BaesinGer? Basinger? Hm. But now, on to the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God!
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July. Now on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: My son got a D-minus on his history test. Now, Mr.Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [takes a plate out of the microwave] It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois Griffin: Please... Please... We can't take anymore shtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.
04x17 - Fat Guy Strangler Season 4 / Episode 17: - Fat Guy Strangler

Brian Griffin: Look! [Pictures of dead fat guys on the wall]
Lois Griffin: That doesn't mean anything.
Brian Griffin: What about that dead fat guy under the bed?
Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
Brian Griffin: What about that other half-dead fat guy?
Half-Dead Fat Guy: Patrick did it.
Lois Griffin: It could be any Patrick.
04x16 - The Courtship of Stewie's Father Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Courtship of Stewie's Father

Lois Griffin: Peter, I need to talk to you about your son.
Peter Griffin: Which one, the fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris Griffin: [pointing at Stewie and laughing] Ha ha ha! Dad called you fat... wait.
04x15 - Brian Goes Back to College Season 4 / Episode 15: - Brian Goes Back to College

Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Well, how'd ya do?
Brian Griffin: I failed.
Peter Griffin: You failed? Then what the hell are you smilin' for?
Brian Griffin: Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat.
Lois Griffin: You probably should have.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I was just gonna say...
Brian Griffin: It doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something.


Peter Griffin: No it's not. What are you outta your mind?


Chris Griffin: [to Brian] I hate you!

04x15 - Brian Goes Back to College Season 4 / Episode 15: - Brian Goes Back to College

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore.
Peter Griffin: Ah, what's the point? You know, I thought I could help people out with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile] Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!
Stewie Griffin: [cowering in a corner] Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.


Peter Griffin: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.
Brian Griffin: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.
Stewie Griffin: And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC.
Brian Griffin: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.
Peter Griffin: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.
Stewie Griffin: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.
Brian Griffin: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.
Stewie Griffin: I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh?
Peter Griffin: [half-heartedly] Oh, all right.


FCC officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.
Lois Griffin: What? Wait a minute, we're not allowed to have sex?
FCC officer: Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.
Lois Griffin: [after a moment of silence] Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...
Peter Griffin: [his eyes glazing over] I'm done. Night, Lois.

04x13 - Jungle Love Season 4 / Episode 13: - Jungle Love

Lois Griffin: Oh, Chris, my baby! I'm telling you, Peter, I never should have let him out of my stomach!
04x12 - Perfect Castaway Season 4 / Episode 12: - Perfect Castaway

Brian Griffin: I'll be in the basement.
Lois Griffin: Doing what?
Brian Griffin: Whaddaya think?
04x11 - Peter's Got Woods Season 4 / Episode 11: - Peter's Got Woods

Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.


Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?

04x11 - Peter's Got Woods Season 4 / Episode 11: - Peter's Got Woods

Peter Griffin: Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high?
Lois Griffin: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funnybones.
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now! [Meg runs out]
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and, let's just say, you're cleared for landing! Huh?
Glen Quagmire: [in the distance] *giggity!*
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing, eh?
Glen Quagmire: [From a distance] GIGGITY!
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty!
04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What you got there, m'lord?
Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Lois Griffin: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child, Lois!


Joe Swanson: NOT MEG! NOT MEG!
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Brian Griffin: Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing!
Lois Griffin: Are you saying I'm a klepto?
Brian Griffin: Uh, actually, I was talking about "The Age of Innocence".


Daniel Day-Lewis: It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
Winona Ryder: [woodenly] That would be *most* good, Newland. *Most* good.
Daniel Day-Lewis: [sighs, turns to crew off-camera] I'm sorry, but she is just awful. Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene or something?
Director: [off-screen] Uh, yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Really?
Director: Yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: We can? Oh great! All right, we got a movie.
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Lois Griffin: [Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death] You're to heavy! I can't hold on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child


Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Lois Griffin: [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab] Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."
Peter Griffin: Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A?


Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.
04x07 - Brian the Bachelor Season 4 / Episode 7: - Brian the Bachelor

Lois Griffin: Oh my God. Peter, it looks like there's been a break-in!
Peter Griffin: [sarcastic] DUUUUUUH... Do you think so?
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Lois Griffin: Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Peter Griffin: Well, excuse me for being retarded!

Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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