Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Peter Griffin: I can't do it. I can't go through with it.
Lois Griffin: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!
Peter Griffin: Screw our marriage, I love you!
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Lois Griffin: [reluctantly] Would you sleep with Peter?
Lois' Mom (Barbara): [definitively] Of course dear.
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Bill Clinton: [after having sex with Lois] Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?
Lois Griffin: What's that?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon Fuckin' That Ass! [laughs]
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Lois Griffin: Brian, what's this on my shoe?
Brian Griffin: My poop.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That's not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks! [leaves]
Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.


Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter! [Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.


Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why?
Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.

05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Peter Griffin: Holy crap! What the hell!
Joe Swanson: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter Griffin: Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!
Lois Griffin: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk.


Meg Griffin: Mom!


Lois Griffin: OH MY GOD! You kids were doing it... in the EAR!
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my crotch.
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Lois Griffin: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is... it... its just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?


Brian Griffin: I love you!
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Peter Griffin: [after sex] Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter Griffin: What?
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Lois Griffin: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm gonna come right out with it. I think it would be hot for you and me to have sex in my office.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. There's no way that is going to happen. You know, it's no wonder you're so far behind in your work if this is how you behave at the office...
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Peter Griffin: Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you Xerox your penis?
Peter Griffin: 300 times. It's a flip book. Flip through it or you're fired.
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Lois Griffin: Oh, God, Peter let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now!
Peter Griffin: Lois, Lois wait. Wait. Opie's right there.
Lois Griffin: I want him to look, Peter.
05x03 - Hell Comes to Quahog Season 5 / Episode 3: - Hell Comes to Quahog

Lois Griffin: Bocce balls!
05x03 - Hell Comes to Quahog Season 5 / Episode 3: - Hell Comes to Quahog

Lois Griffin: Brian, save your hippie B.S. for the winter months.
05x03 - Hell Comes to Quahog Season 5 / Episode 3: - Hell Comes to Quahog

Lois Griffin: So, how was work today Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Peter, you lost your job because of a superstore, you shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg".
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Brian Griffin: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: Hahahahaha! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEGGGGGG!
Peter Griffin: [blows longer raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows 7 raspberries]
Chris Griffin: [quietly] Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows quieter raspberry]
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: [Slowly] I was raped.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles] What?
Peter Griffin: Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles harder] W-What? [Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter Griffin: You sound just like him! [Runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!
Stewie Griffin: Hi. [Runs off giggling]
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Lois Griffin: Oh my God! What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. [gasps] I'm just like Barbara Bush!
05x01 - Stewie Loves Lois Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois

Stewie Griffin: Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma?
Lois Griffin: WHAT?
Stewie Griffin: Hi... [runs off giggling]
04x29 - Bango Was His Name-O Season 4 / Episode 29: - Bango Was His Name-O

Lois Griffin: Chris find yourself a girl who smokes. Remember, if she smokes, she pokes.
04x27 - The Griffin Family History Season 4 / Episode 27: - The Griffin Family History

Joe Swanson: We've captured the burglars.
Lois Griffin: Oh, thank God!
Joe Swanson: Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.
Peter Griffin: Well, that was a close call.
Joe Swanson: You know, ah, Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.
Joe Swanson: Your daughter is a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.
Peter Griffin: Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.
Joe Swanson: [to his fellow cops] Okay, guys, just take her away.
04x27 - The Griffin Family History Season 4 / Episode 27: - The Griffin Family History

Meg Griffin: Dad, I can't go through the vent.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody spit on Meg!
Meg Griffin: [the family spits on her] Stop! Stop, you guys! Ah! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay. I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there.
Peter Griffin: Come on! They're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit.
Lois Griffin: Be careful, Meg.
Meg Griffin: [Peter pushes her into the vent, followed by sounds of her falling down] Ahh! Ahh! I hate you all!
04x26 - Petergeist Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist

Lois Griffin: Are you sure Stewie can find his away out?
Psychic: We just gotta be patient Lois. Like waitin' on the results of a blood test. A REAL IMPORTANT blood test.
Chris Griffin: Will I ever see my baby brother again?
Psychic: Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walkin' along, they stop and say "Ooh, is that a new restaurant? That place must have just opened up cuz I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago." I went in there once and there was a guy with a hair lip eatin' soup - and I was like ewww. It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know, but I still never went back there. I mean I guess there's only like a 1 in 50 chance of me gettin' the same spoon that he had. But I still don't like them odds.
04x26 - Petergeist Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist

Lois Griffin: Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!
Stewie Griffin: [From the TV] Have you lost your mind?
04x26 - Petergeist Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist

Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.
04x26 - Petergeist Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist

Stewie Griffin: [speaking from TV] Mommy?
Lois Griffin: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie Griffin: Look behind you, you stupid cow!
04x25 - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives Season 4 / Episode 25: - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives

Lois Griffin: Oh my god, I've made a terrible mistake! I've been brainwashed like Elizabeth Smart.
Elizabeth Smart's father: [talking to reporters while Elizabeth plays music in the background] It's so wonderful having her home again. She's brought music back into the house, playing songs on the Harp... of course most them are about rape, but it's still nice.

Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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