Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

04x26 - Petergeist Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist

Lois Griffin: Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!
Stewie Griffin: [From the TV] Have you lost your mind?
04x26 - Petergeist Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist

Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.
04x26 - Petergeist Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist

Stewie Griffin: [speaking from TV] Mommy?
Lois Griffin: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie Griffin: Look behind you, you stupid cow!
04x25 - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives Season 4 / Episode 25: - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives

Lois Griffin: Oh my god, I've made a terrible mistake! I've been brainwashed like Elizabeth Smart.
Elizabeth Smart's father: [talking to reporters while Elizabeth plays music in the background] It's so wonderful having her home again. She's brought music back into the house, playing songs on the Harp... of course most them are about rape, but it's still nice.
04x25 - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives Season 4 / Episode 25: - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives

Jasper: [exiting the terminal into the airport towards the Griffins, speaking effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [introducing his Filipino partner, Ricardo] Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker, sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
Jasper: [campily motions talking on a cellphone]
Jasper: Hello, who's that on the phone?-Temptation!... how does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you over dinner: Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend-Oo-hoh, I'm terrible!
04x25 - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives Season 4 / Episode 25: - You May Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives

Jasper: [entering terminal with Ricardo, calling to Brian effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [motions to Ricardo, his Filipino partner] Everyone, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake! [makes telephone gesture, speaks camply] Hello, whose that on the phone?-Temptation! How does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you all at dinner. Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend: [laughs] Ooh hoh, I'm terrible!
04x23 - Deep Throats Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats

Lois Griffin: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is fun? Watching "Mr. Belvedere" without people talking so loud.
Lois Griffin: So I was thinking we could...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] STREAKS ON THE CHINA NEVER MATTERED BEFORE! WHO CARED! WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!
04x23 - Deep Throats Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats

Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to...


Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up?
Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter.
Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is. [laughs] He's so short.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short.


Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude.
Peter Griffin: Who were those guys?
Lois Griffin: I don't know.
Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!
04x23 - Deep Throats Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats

Peter Griffin: I can't believe we lost the talent show. I wonder where we went wrong?
Chris Griffin: I think I can shed some light on that. You guys were so baked you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did. I was in the audience.
Lois Griffin: And here we thought the weed was inspiring us.
Chris Griffin: Well, that's a common misconception, Mom and Dad, but the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC - a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad, there's a reason they call it "dope".
04x22 - Sibling Rivalry Season 4 / Episode 22: - Sibling Rivalry

Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Nite lineup.
Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green.
Brian Griffin: Those are colors.
04x22 - Sibling Rivalry Season 4 / Episode 22: - Sibling Rivalry

Lois Griffin: [Lois and Peter wait for a pregnancy test] God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role playing.
Lois Griffin: [flashback] Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Peter Griffin: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
Lois Griffin: Paladin's can't use the helm of disintegration.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Then, I'm a black guuuuy.
04x22 - Sibling Rivalry Season 4 / Episode 22: - Sibling Rivalry

Lois Griffin: Chris did you get your homework done?
Chris Griffin: Yep.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I know when you're lying to me, just like Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping. [short scene with Santa Claus]
Chris Griffin: No mom, I've got it all done. For my science homework I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man.
Lois Griffin: You mean diorama.
Chris Griffin: Ooo-oooohh.
04x22 - Sibling Rivalry Season 4 / Episode 22: - Sibling Rivalry

Lois Griffin: Do you think I'm fat?
Waiter in restaurant: Only if you think I'm a serial killer.
Lois Griffin: What?
Waiter in restaurant: Nothing.
04x22 - Sibling Rivalry Season 4 / Episode 22: - Sibling Rivalry

Dr. Elmer Hartman: Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.
Lois Griffin: Thank you, doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
Meg Griffin: For your information, mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
04x22 - Sibling Rivalry Season 4 / Episode 22: - Sibling Rivalry

Lois Griffin: Last night was amazing.
Peter Griffin: It was, wasn't? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs.
04x22 - Sibling Rivalry Season 4 / Episode 22: - Sibling Rivalry

Peter Griffin: Now come here, my fat concubine. [shoves a slice of cake in Lois's mouth]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not even hungry.
Peter Griffin: I want you bigger! I want you fatter! It will please me.
04x21 - I Take Thee, Quagmire Season 4 / Episode 21: - I Take Thee, Quagmire

Stewie Griffin: I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.


Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, what's this word?
Lois Griffin: "Evel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Knievel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... was..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... born..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... in..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Montana."
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?
04x21 - I Take Thee, Quagmire Season 4 / Episode 21: - I Take Thee, Quagmire

Lois Griffin: [trying to wean Stewie off breast milk] Tonight we're going to try formula instead.


Stewie Griffin: Ugh! That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.


Peter Griffin: So, who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball.


Brian Griffin: It's like a walrus flossing.
04x20 - Patriot Games Season 4 / Episode 20: - Patriot Games

Chris Griffin: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
Lois Griffin: First of all, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris Griffin: Alright, well, where is she, cos I need her now!
04x19 - Brian Sings and Swings Season 4 / Episode 19: - Brian Sings and Swings

Lois Griffin: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of Jury duty.
Peter Griffin: [Cuts to a court room with Peter in the Jury box surrounded by only white people] Awful lotta Honkies in here.
04x17 - Fat Guy Strangler Season 4 / Episode 17: - Fat Guy Strangler

Lois Griffin: Peter, don't forget, you have your physical today at 1:00.
Peter Griffin: For the hundreth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag nag nag. Sometimes, I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.


Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home.
Peter Griffin: Wow, strange lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's me.
Peter Griffin: You know what? Screw it! I am SO gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois Griffin: Peter...
Peter Griffin: You got a condom? Never mind, I got this Milky Way wrapper.
04x17 - Fat Guy Strangler Season 4 / Episode 17: - Fat Guy Strangler

Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: What?


Doctor: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. [Looks at Peter] Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, What do you think? I'm pretty healthy, huh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. [Opens booklet and screams]


Doctor: There's a spider in here! [Turns to them] Now, here we go.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.


Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...


Doctor: ...When you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts!
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
Doctor: Uh, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this... [Peter and Lois boggle their eyes]... Kim 'Baasenger', 'Baysenger', 'Basenjer', 'Bay-singer'? But now, on to the cancer...


Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results... My, they're much worse than I thought.


Doctor: [Shows paper] My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Griffin, that liver has got to come out.


Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes now; it will get dry!
Lois Griffin: Please... Please, we can't take anymore schtick. Please just tell us: is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.
04x17 - Fat Guy Strangler Season 4 / Episode 17: - Fat Guy Strangler

Lois Griffin: [the Doctor is examining Peter] So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My Goodness! You'll be dead within a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [picks up a comic boook] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up this lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. [to Peter] Now, on to you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, hah?
Doctor: Well, Mr.Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. [picks up a chart] AH! [drops it]
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: There's a spider in here. [shakes the chart, the spider crawls out] Now, here we go. Mr.Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: [picks up a video tape] - when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is!
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim BAsinger? B-BAEsinger? B-BaesinGer? Basinger? Hm. But now, on to the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God!
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July. Now on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: My son got a D-minus on his history test. Now, Mr.Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [takes a plate out of the microwave] It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois Griffin: Please... Please... We can't take anymore shtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.
04x17 - Fat Guy Strangler Season 4 / Episode 17: - Fat Guy Strangler

Brian Griffin: Look! [Pictures of dead fat guys on the wall]
Lois Griffin: That doesn't mean anything.
Brian Griffin: What about that dead fat guy under the bed?
Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
Brian Griffin: What about that other half-dead fat guy?
Half-Dead Fat Guy: Patrick did it.
Lois Griffin: It could be any Patrick.
04x16 - The Courtship of Stewie's Father Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Courtship of Stewie's Father

Lois Griffin: Peter, I need to talk to you about your son.
Peter Griffin: Which one, the fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris Griffin: [pointing at Stewie and laughing] Ha ha ha! Dad called you fat... wait.
04x15 - Brian Goes Back to College Season 4 / Episode 15: - Brian Goes Back to College

Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Well, how'd ya do?
Brian Griffin: I failed.
Peter Griffin: You failed? Then what the hell are you smilin' for?
Brian Griffin: Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat.
Lois Griffin: You probably should have.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I was just gonna say...
Brian Griffin: It doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something.


Peter Griffin: No it's not. What are you outta your mind?


Chris Griffin: [to Brian] I hate you!

04x15 - Brian Goes Back to College Season 4 / Episode 15: - Brian Goes Back to College

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore.
Peter Griffin: Ah, what's the point? You know, I thought I could help people out with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile] Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!
Stewie Griffin: [cowering in a corner] Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.


Peter Griffin: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.
Brian Griffin: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.
Stewie Griffin: And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC.
Brian Griffin: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.
Peter Griffin: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.
Stewie Griffin: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.
Brian Griffin: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.
Stewie Griffin: I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!
04x14 - PTV Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV

Lois Griffin: Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh?
Peter Griffin: [half-heartedly] Oh, all right.


FCC officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.
Lois Griffin: What? Wait a minute, we're not allowed to have sex?
FCC officer: Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.
Lois Griffin: [after a moment of silence] Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...
Peter Griffin: [his eyes glazing over] I'm done. Night, Lois.


Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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