Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

04x10 - Model Misbehavior Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior

Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What you got there, m'lord?
Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Lois Griffin: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child, Lois!


Joe Swanson: NOT MEG! NOT MEG!
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Brian Griffin: Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing!
Lois Griffin: Are you saying I'm a klepto?
Brian Griffin: Um, actually, I was talking about "The Age of Innocence."


Daniel Day-Lewis: [in character] It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
Winona Ryder: [flat accent] That would be MOST good, Newland. MOST good.
Daniel Day-Lewis: [sighs, drops accent] I'm sorry, but she is just awful! Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene or something?
Martin Scorsese: [off-screen] Uh, yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Really?
Martin Scorsese: [off-screen] Yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: We can? Oh great. All right, we got a movie.
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
04x09 - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Lois Griffin: [Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death] You're to heavy! I can't hold on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child


Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Lois Griffin: [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab] Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."
Peter Griffin: Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?
04x08 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A?


Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Lois Griffin: Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Peter Griffin: Well, excuse me for being retarded!
04x06 - Petarded Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded

Brian Griffin: You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin: Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin: Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin: What's the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin: [to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus"] I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!
04x05 - The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him! He can't swim!
Peter Griffin: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois Griffin: Peter! He's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!
04x05 - The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

Emperor Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you.


Lois Griffin: You're not helping!
04x04 - Don't Make Me Over Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over

Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her up front center stage. That's gonna make you all billionaires, because America loves hot white jailbait ass.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute... that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois Griffin: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg Griffin: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.
04x04 - Don't Make Me Over Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over

Lois Griffin: I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control, I mean what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter Griffin: No Coke, Pepsi! [Peter laughs, and Lois walks away] Aww, come on! You set me up for that one!
04x04 - Don't Make Me Over Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over

Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, MORE SKITTLES!
04x04 - Don't Make Me Over Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg Griffin: Craig Hoffman.
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoff... [pauses] Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You may be ugly.
04x04 - Don't Make Me Over Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over

Lois Griffin: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little Slut". That seems pretty hip.
Meg Griffin: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois Griffin: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm Dumpster". And they're all written in glitter.
Meg Griffin: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster".
04x04 - Don't Make Me Over Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over

Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, more Skittles!
Lois Griffin: That is it, young lady. Ever since you've got that makeover you've developed a terrible attitude and this success with the family band is only making it worse.
Meg Griffin: The "family" band? Perhaps you haven't noticed, Lois but *I am* the band. Right, Ms. Swan?
Ms. Swan: Oh, yeah, she the band. Old lady jealous.
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross?


Stewie Griffin: AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plow you.
04x01 - North by North Quahog Season 4 / Episode 1: - North by North Quahog

Peter Griffin: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like "Dark Angel," "Titus," "Undeclared," "Action," "That 80's Show," "Wonderfalls," "Fastlane," "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Skin," "Girls Club," "Cracking Up," "The Pits," "Firefly," "Get Real," "Freaky Links," "Wanda at Large," "Costello," "The Lone Gunmen," "A Minute With Stan Hooper," "Normal, Ohio," "Pasadena," "Harsh Realm," "Keen Eddie," "The Street," "American Embassy," "Cedric the Entertainer," "The Tick," "Louie," and "Greg the Bunny."
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Lois Griffin: [on the phone] Mother, you know how I hate asking for money. But... mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Peter Griffin: What I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world. My wife did KISS!
Lois Griffin: [quietly] And J. Geils.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Donnie: [after Lois reveals she "did" KISS] Lois, you got any tips for the young girls in the audience tonight?
Lois Griffin: Well, the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous, so just make yourself available.
03x19 - Stuck Together, Torn Apart Season 3 / Episode 19: - Stuck Together, Torn Apart

Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?


Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...


Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!


Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!


Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?


Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.


Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.


Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!

03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Lois Griffin: You're completely...
Dotty Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris Griffin: [freaking out] Permission to freak out?
Lois Griffin: [whispering] Peter, did you know about this?
Peter Griffin: I... I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.
03x17 - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows Season 3 / Episode 17: - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.

Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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