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Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
04x02 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffen.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plough you.
04x01 - North by North Quahog Season 4 / Episode 1: - North by North Quahog

Peter Griffin: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like "Dark Angel," "Titus," "Undeclared," "Action," "That 80's Show," "Wonderfalls," "Fastlane," "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Skin," "Girls Club," "Cracking Up," "The Pits," "Firefly," "Get Real," "Freaky Links," "Wanda at Large," "Costello," "The Lone Gunmen," "A Minute With Stan Hooper," "Normal, Ohio," "Pasadena," "Harsh Realm," "Keen Eddie," "The Street," "American Embassy," "Cedric the Entertainer," "The Tick," "Louie," and "Greg the Bunny."
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
04x01 - North by North Quahog Season 4 / Episode 1: - North by North Quahog

Peter Griffin: [after "Family Guy" returns to Fox with new episodes, after a few years off the air] Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", "Skin", "Girls Club", "Cracking Up", "The Pitts", "Firefly", "Get Real", "Freaky Links", "Wanda at Large", "Costello", "The Lone Gunmen", "A Minute with Stan Hooper", "Normal, Ohio", "Pasadena", "Harsh Realm", "Keen Eddie", "The Street", "American Embassy", "Cedric the Entertainer", "The Tick", "Louie", and "Greg the Bunny".
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"
03x22 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein Season 3 / Episode 22: - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Lois Griffin: [on the phone] Mother, you know how I hate asking for money. But... mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Peter Griffin: What I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world. My wife did KISS!
Lois Griffin: [quietly] And J. Geils.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.
03x20 - Road to Europe Season 3 / Episode 20: - Road to Europe

Donnie: [after Lois reveals she "did" KISS] Lois, you got any tips for the young girls in the audience tonight?
Lois Griffin: Well, the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous, so just make yourself available.
03x19 - Stuck Together, Torn Apart Season 3 / Episode 19: - Stuck Together, Torn Apart

Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?


Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...


Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!


Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!


Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?


Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.


Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.


Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!

03x18 - From Method to Madness Season 3 / Episode 18: - From Method to Madness

Lois Griffin: You're completely...
Dotty Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris Griffin: [freaking out] Permission to freak out?
Lois Griffin: [whispering] Peter, did you know about this?
Peter Griffin: I... I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.
03x17 - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows Season 3 / Episode 17: - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Lois Griffin: [fed up with one mishap after another] So you can cook your own damned turkey, wrap your own damned presents - and while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to Hell!
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: [Brian puts on his vibrantly colored Christmas sweater] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
03x16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Season 3 / Episode 16: - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Lois Griffin: Must... kill... star!
03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.


Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! [hands a book to Meg] Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you! [sprays holy water on Chris] The power of Christ compels you!


Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!


Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.


Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.


Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
03x13 - Screwed The Pooch Season 3 / Episode 13: - Screwed The Pooch

Lois Griffin: [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.
03x12 - To Live and Die in Dixie Season 3 / Episode 12: - To Live and Die in Dixie

Machine: You have 113 new messages.


Lois Griffin: Oh my!
Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wonderin', uh... where the newspaper boy was.


Herbert: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gon' come back.


Herbert: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.


Herbert: Where are ya?


Herbert: Ah, you're startin' to piss me off, you little piggly sumbitch. Call me.
03x12 - To Live and Die in Dixie Season 3 / Episode 12: - To Live and Die in Dixie

Meg Griffin: Eww, we're going to be living here?
Lois Griffin: Now come on Meg, I bet if we fixed it up a little, it could be a piece of crap.
03x11 - Emission Impossible Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible

Stewie Griffin: [after looking at himself with make-up on in the mirror] Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!
Lois Griffin: Stewie! Bad boy! That's mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favourite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian Griffin: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie Griffin: Make any joke you want. You know I look good.
03x11 - Emission Impossible Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible

Chris Griffin: [Looking at the Griffin family album] And here's the broken condom that led to my birth!
Lois Griffin: And the lawsuit that followed bought us this house. You're our favorite mistake.
Chris Griffin: You hear that, Meg? I'm the favorite!
03x11 - Emission Impossible Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible

Lois Griffin: Oh, I love you Peter!
Peter Griffin: And I love you Lou Gossett Jr!
03x11 - Emission Impossible Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible

Chris Griffin: [looking through his baby book] Look! There's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois Griffin: [hugs Chris] Yes, and the resulting lawsuit paid for this house. You're my favorite mistake!
Chris Griffin: See, Meg?
Chris Griffin: [shouts] I'm the favorite!
03x11 - Emission Impossible Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible

Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois Griffin: That's the head. Carol, push. Push.
Peter Griffin: I am. It won't go back in.
03x09 - Mr. Saturday Knight Season 3 / Episode 9: - Mr. Saturday Knight

Peter Griffin: [dressed up like female prostitute] Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car!
Peter Griffin: But it will cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?
Lois Griffin: I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?
Brian Griffin: It means that he'll... [gets interrupted]
Peter Griffin: Be cool.
03x08 - The Kiss Seen Around the World Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Kiss Seen Around the World

Lois Griffin: [See's the bully tied up on a chair in the basement] What are you kids doing?
Stewie Griffin: Playing 'House'.
Lois Griffin: But the kid is tied up in the basement.
Stewie Griffin: ...Roman Polanski's house.
03x07 - Lethal Weapons Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons

Lois Griffin: Oh,the Drunken Clam? Why can't we go some place fancy like the Olive Garden? Oh, the Breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks, me likey... you're a big girl now, stop it.
Peter Griffin: Hold on,Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker.I think you are in my seat and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: [drunken clam guy] What did you say?
Peter Griffin: Oh, about the seat or my plow and your father's wife?
Lois Griffin: [Lois punches him] What the hell are you doing?
03x07 - Lethal Weapons Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons

Lois Griffin: Give us the pills! [takes the pills]
03x07 - Lethal Weapons Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons

Peter Griffin: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul...
Lois Griffin: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!
03x07 - Lethal Weapons Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons

Peter Griffin: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?
Lois Griffin: The underpants, lose 'em!
Peter Griffin: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...
Lois Griffin: Take 'em off!
Peter Griffin: [with a frightened voice] Yeah. Okay, honey.


Brian Griffin: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: Last night, Lois was the man!
Brian Griffin: Good Lord!
Peter Griffin: I just want you to know, Brian - I didn't cry.
Brian Griffin: It's okay.

Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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