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Lois Griffin

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Played by:

Alex Borstein
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Lois Griffin Quotes

	Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies] Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he... Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry]
	Season 11 / Episode 17: - Bigfat Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream. Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
	Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he had ever seen. Stewie Griffin: [in the pilot] But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman! Brian Griffin: Jeez, what'd you carry a thesaurus around with you? Stewie Griffin: Y'know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.
	Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot Brian Griffin: [in the pilot] Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stewie Griffin: Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose. Peter Griffin: [in the pilot] Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'. Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? Stewie Griffin: Ah, ew, gross look at that! Brian Griffin: Wait, what are they doing? Stewie Griffin: I dunno, they're just... standing there like zombies. Brian Griffin: Do you think they're all right? Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm not sure. Lois Griffin: [from the pilot] And then there was that time at the ice cream store. [the Griffins stand silently for a few more seconds] Brian Griffin: They're doing it again, what the hell? Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm at a loss. Brian Griffin: I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we... call an ambulance? [pause] Stewie Griffin: That is so creepy. Brian Griffin: [from the pilot, emerging from behind the table] And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"? [they stand around again] Stewie Griffin: Oh, they're-they're doi-they're setting up goddamn cutaways. Brian Griffin: Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Stewie Griffin: Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman. Lois Griffin: You sure you got time to smoke? Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while.
	Season 9 / Episode 11: - German Guy Lois Griffin: I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible! Peter Griffin: Uh, life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.
	Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G Brian Griffin: This sucks! I can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA. Lois Griffin: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn. Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic. Stewie Griffin: Pshaw! Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.
	Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting? Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was. Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude. Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'"
	Season 9 / Episode 9: - And I'm Joyce Kinney Pastor: [after he finds out Lois was in a pornographic film] You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin. Lois Griffin: But Father, I've been a member of this church for... Pastor: Leave this house of God! Lois Griffin: But I love the church. It's an important part of my life. Pastor: Maybe you should have thought about that before you made a porn. Lois Griffin: But father, I didn't mea... wait, did you say a porn? Pastor: Yes. Lois Griffin: Oh. Well that's kind of weird. Pastor: What? Lois Griffin: Well, I mean you gotta say you made porn or you made a porno. You don't say "made a porn", it hits the ear wrong. Pastor: Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time?
	Season 9 / Episode 9: - And I'm Joyce Kinney Lois Griffin: It was back in a disgusting period known as the early 80s. It was a time when women would stand topless, high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies while the curtains were billowing around them... I think there was actually more wind then.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Excellence in Broadcasting Lois Griffin: Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies.
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Meg Griffin: I can do it! Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. Stewie Griffin: WHAT? Lois Griffin: I'm kidding. Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Meg Griffin: I can do it! Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. Stewie Griffin: WHAT? Lois Griffin: I'm kidding. Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Lois Griffin: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. Peter Griffin: We had the abortion.
	Season 8 / Episode 19: - The Splendid Source Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out. Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it. Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither. Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke! Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter. Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.
	Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in. Lois Griffin: A chair. Stewie Griffin: My own feces. Richard Dawson: A popular fruit. Lois Griffin: Orange. Stewie Griffin: Clay Aiken. Richard Dawson: Something in your closet. Lois Griffin: Shoes. Stewie Griffin: Scary monsters. Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday. Lois Griffin: Christmas. Stewie Griffin: 9/11. Richard Dawson: And something you do on the weekends. Lois Griffin: Go to church. Stewie Griffin: Fat guys.
	Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Chris Griffin: Yay! Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke! Stewie Griffin: That's your sense of humor? Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God! Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful. Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and that's what you come up with? Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg. Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny. Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your father! Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg! Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!
	Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups. Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. Peter Griffin: Join me for what? Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization. Peter Griffin: What organization? Lois Griffin: PETA. Peter Griffin: What? Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter. Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic. Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this? Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now? Lois Griffin: No, for PETA. Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter! Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA! Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy! Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA. Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!
	Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing? Peter Griffin: She's still here, Lois. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: Wasn't she supposed to leave like, two hours ago? Lois Griffin: I thought so. Go check and ask her. Peter Griffin: I'm not going in there. You go in there. Lois Griffin: Uh Consuela. What are you still doing here? Peter Griffin: Yeah, we thought you finished cleaning hours ago. What are you still doing here? Consuela: I wait for rain to stop. Peter Griffin: It's time for you to go home. Consuela: No, it's too much rain. I stay. Peter Griffin: But it's supposed to rain all night. Consuela: Uh... I stay here? Peter Griffin: I'm not so sure about that. Consuela: I stay here.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Quagmire's Baby Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet? Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short. Peter Griffin: That's funny Quagmire: Thank you
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose? Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap. Brian Griffin: Thank you!
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish? Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do. Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table. Lois Griffin: I most certainly will not! Peter Griffin: It's me or your religion, I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house! Lois Griffin: Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a nicer house!
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner? Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show. Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose. Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman? Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis Can't lose. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that. Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories! Peter Griffin: Well Played. Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad. Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'? [pause] Penis. [another pause] Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it. Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES? Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on? [laughs out loud]
	Season 7 / Episode 10: - FOX-y Lady Lois Griffin: Gush, it's an awfully big decision. Anchorman: Lois please, take the job for Fox' sake.
	Season 7 / Episode 10: - FOX-y Lady Anchorman: And this is the kitchen. We've got all kinds of snacks and cold drinks in here. Lois Griffin: Well, I don't see the refrigerator. Anchorman: Oh, we just use Ann Coulter's vagina.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows? Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death! Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death? Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat! Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands! Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back! Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror! Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet! Woman: My baby's dead! Peter Griffin: It's over.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again? Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie. Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again. Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal. Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you... Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready? Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling. Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys. Peter Griffin: Okay, go! Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow. Cleveland: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay? Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What... Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something! Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches! Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca... Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God! Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: Can you believe the way JEsus is treating me? I thought he was my friend. Lois Griffin: Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way. Peter Griffin: Maybe, but one things for sure Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!