Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Peter Griffin: Lois, can you pour my juice? I can't lift my arm.
Lois Griffin: I still can't believe Brian bit you. It just doesn't seem like him.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, because you know him so well...! Shut your faaaaaaace.
13x10 - Quagmire's Mom Season 13 / Episode 10: - Quagmire's Mom

Peter Griffin: [after someone pointing out his checkbook doesn't have anything written in it] Lois, why DON'T my checkbooks have any writing in them?
Lois Griffin: Well, Peter...
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: That's just a wide pad of post-its I gave you.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT? So that million-dollar check you gave me yesterday is no good? I quit my job, man!
Stewie Griffin: [cut to Stewie flipping his co-workers off] I will NOT see you Monday!
12x06 - Life of Brian Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry]
11x17 - Bigfat Season 11 / Episode 17: - Bigfat

Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream.


Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?


Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
11x17 - Bigfat Season 11 / Episode 17: - Bigfat

Lois Griffin: [finds her sequinned top in the garbage] Who threw out my sequinned top?
Stewie Griffin: [off-screen, upstairs in bedroom] You're 43, accept it!
11x14 - Call Girl Season 11 / Episode 14: - Call Girl

Lois Griffin: I want you to do me so hard we have to change churches!
11x09 - Space Cadet Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet

Chris Griffin: Mom, I can handle space camp. I'm not stupid.
Peter Griffin: Well, regardless, on the way back we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was the University of Florida.
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags [throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims [emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he had ever seen.
Stewie Griffin: [in the pilot] But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!
Brian Griffin: Jeez, what'd you carry a thesaurus around with you?
Stewie Griffin: Y'know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Brian Griffin: [in the pilot] Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Stewie Griffin: Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose.
Peter Griffin: [in the pilot] Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
Stewie Griffin: Ah, ew, gross look at that!


Brian Griffin: Wait, what are they doing?
Stewie Griffin: I dunno, they're just... standing there like zombies.
Brian Griffin: Do you think they're all right?
Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm not sure.
Lois Griffin: [from the pilot] And then there was that time at the ice cream store. [the Griffins stand silently for a few more seconds]
Brian Griffin: They're doing it again, what the hell?
Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm at a loss.
Brian Griffin: I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we... call an ambulance? [pause]
Stewie Griffin: That is so creepy.
Brian Griffin: [from the pilot, emerging from behind the table] And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"? [they stand around again]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they're-they're doi-they're setting up goddamn cutaways.
Brian Griffin: Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot.


Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman.


Lois Griffin: You sure you got time to smoke?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while.
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Chris Griffin: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
Meg Griffin: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me
Chris Griffin: HOW AM I A BASTARD?
Meg Griffin: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois Griffin: Meg, please.
Meg Griffin: Not now, Mom.
Peter Griffin: [giggles] I think Brian's getting a little water in there.
Meg Griffin: Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?
Peter Griffin: [giggles] Still drinkin'.
Meg Griffin: Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?


Peter Griffin: [disappointed] Aw.
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Lois Griffin: Look, the bottom line here Meg is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.
Meg Griffin: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role-model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the pornstar, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her?
Lois Griffin: [scoffs] So what? A... all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences
Meg Griffin: Are you? Are you a better person?
Lois Griffin: What's your point, Meg?
Meg Griffin: My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.
Lois Griffin: Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is?
Meg Griffin: [chuckles] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I... I don't know that I ever want to see you again!


Stewie Griffin: [looking at his phone] Oh, wow, everybody's already Twitting "Stewie Just Said That".
Lois Griffin: Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg! Can you, ever forgive me? Oh, God!


Meg Griffin: And you never let dad stir the paint anymore... whatever that means.
Peter Griffin: I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Meg Griffin: You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father.
Peter Griffin: All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.
Meg Griffin: You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!


Meg Griffin: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!


Meg Griffin: Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!
Peter Griffin: I like where this is going.
Meg Griffin: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!
Lois Griffin: Meg, watch it.
Meg Griffin: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!
Peter Griffin: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!
Lois Griffin: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?
Peter Griffin: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?
Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look he has crap on his ear.
Peter Griffin: That's unrelated.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking!
Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!
Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!

10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Chris Griffin: WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread.
Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!
Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning!
Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em!
Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!
Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter
Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse! [runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes] I didn't ask to be in this family!
Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him. [picks up Stewie] Peter, you come back here!
Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-a-long. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. [Indiana Jones score plays on his cell phone and Peter hums along until Meg opens a soda can/] Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
Meg Griffin: Oh that was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming?
Lois Griffin: Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, shut up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!
09x11 - German Guy Season 9 / Episode 11: - German Guy

Lois Griffin: I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible!
Peter Griffin: Uh, life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.
09x10 - Friends of Peter G Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G

Brian Griffin: This sucks! I can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.
Lois Griffin: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn.
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stewie Griffin: Pshaw! Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.
09x10 - Friends of Peter G Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G

Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting?
Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was.
Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'"
09x09 - And I'm Joyce Kinney Season 9 / Episode 9: - And I'm Joyce Kinney

Pastor: [after he finds out Lois was in a pornographic film] You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin.
Lois Griffin: But Father, I've been a member of this church for...
Pastor: Leave this house of God!
Lois Griffin: But I love the church. It's an important part of my life.
Pastor: Maybe you should have thought about that before you made a porn.
Lois Griffin: But father, I didn't mea... wait, did you say a porn?
Pastor: Yes.
Lois Griffin: Oh. Well that's kind of weird.
Pastor: What?
Lois Griffin: Well, I mean you gotta say you made porn or you made a porno. You don't say "made a porn", it hits the ear wrong.
Pastor: Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time? [the altar boys nod]
09x09 - And I'm Joyce Kinney Season 9 / Episode 9: - And I'm Joyce Kinney

Lois Griffin: It was back in a disgusting period known as the early 80s. It was a time when women would stand topless, high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies while the curtains were billowing around them... I think there was actually more wind then.
09x02 - Excellence in Broadcasting Season 9 / Episode 2: - Excellence in Broadcasting

Lois Griffin: Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies.
08x21 - Partial Terms of Endearment Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment

Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!
08x21 - Partial Terms of Endearment Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment

Lois Griffin: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.


Peter Griffin: We had the abortion.
08x19 - The Splendid Source Season 8 / Episode 19: - The Splendid Source

Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois Griffin: A chair.
Stewie Griffin: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: A popular fruit.
Lois Griffin: Orange.
Stewie Griffin: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois Griffin: Shoes.
Stewie Griffin: Scary monsters.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois Griffin: Christmas.
Stewie Griffin: 9/11.
Richard Dawson: And something you do on the weekends.
Lois Griffin: Go to church.
Stewie Griffin: Black guys.
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.


Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!


Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: She's still here, Lois.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Wasn't she supposed to leave like, two hours ago?
Lois Griffin: I thought so. Go check and ask her.
Peter Griffin: I'm not going in there. You go in there.
Lois Griffin: Uh Consuela. What are you still doing here?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, we thought you finished cleaning hours ago. What are you still doing here?
Consuela: I wait for rain to stop.
Peter Griffin: It's time for you to go home.
Consuela: No, it's too much rain. I stay.
Peter Griffin: But it's supposed to rain all night.
Consuela: Uh... I stay here?
Peter Griffin: I'm not so sure about that.
Consuela: I stay here.
08x06 - Quagmire's Baby Season 8 / Episode 6: - Quagmire's Baby

Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet?
Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short.
Peter Griffin: That's funny
Quagmire: Thank you

Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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