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Lois Griffin Quotes
 | Season 14 / Episode 14: - Underage Peter Lois Griffin: [annoyed] Peter, is there something you want to tell me? Peter Griffin: Uuuh, YEAH. Every light in the house is on. Lois Griffin: Did you destroy the library? Peter Griffin: Did *I* destroy the library? Ha! No, Lois. That was television. |
 | Season 14 / Episode 9: - A Shot in the Dark Lois Griffin: Peter, where are you? Peter! Okay, I'm starting a good way without you! Peter Griffin: Whew! Heh, unlike you I just dodged a bullet. |
 | Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten Peter Griffin: Lois, can you pour my juice? I can't lift my arm. Lois Griffin: I still can't believe Brian bit you. It just doesn't seem like him. Stewie Griffin: Oh, because you know him so well...! Shut your faaaaaaace. |
 | Season 13 / Episode 10: - Quagmire's Mom Peter Griffin: [after someone pointing out his checkbook doesn't have anything written in it] Lois, why DON'T my checkbooks have any writing in them? Lois Griffin: Well, Peter... Peter Griffin: What? Lois Griffin: That's just a wide pad of post-its I gave you. Stewie Griffin: WHAT? So that million-dollar check you gave me yesterday is no good? I quit my job, man! Stewie Griffin: [cut to Stewie flipping his co-workers off] I will NOT see you Monday! |
 | Season 13 / Episode 2: - Book Of Joe Brian Griffin: You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon in a couple weeks. Lois Griffin: A marathon? Bu-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb? |
 | Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy Lois Griffin: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again. Brian Griffin: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal. |
 | Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie Lois Griffin: Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] Ow! Screw you, you little turd! |
| Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie Peter Griffin: Chris, look! Mom's naked! Chris Griffin: Where? Peter Griffin: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep. Stewie Griffin: No! Lois Griffin: Peter, what's going on in... Peter Griffin: [smacking Lois with the mattress] Unga bunga! |
| Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie Lois Griffin: Happy birthday, Stewie! And here's your equal attention cake, Peter! Peter Griffin: Yay! [blows out both cakes' candles] Stewie Griffin: Oh, come on! Peter Griffin: Yay, double wishes! [a meteorite lands on Meg] One. [the meteorite splits to reveal a Snickers bar] Two. |
 | Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies] Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he... Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry] |
 | Season 11 / Episode 17: - Bigfat Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream. Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. |
| Season 11 / Episode 17: - Bigfat Lois Griffin: [finds her sequinned top in the garbage] Who threw out my sequinned top? Stewie Griffin: [off-screen, upstairs in bedroom] You're 43, accept it! |
 | Season 11 / Episode 14: - Call Girl Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches! Chris Griffin: [running out in disgust] Gross! Peter Griffin: I'm gonna wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket. Meg Griffin: [also running out in disgust] Oh, my god! Stewie Griffin: [Peter and Lois kiss on the couch] Can I interest you guys in a two and a quarter-way? |
 | Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet Chris Griffin: Mom, I can handle space camp. I'm not stupid. Peter Griffin: Well, regardless, on the way back we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed. Lois Griffin: Peter, that was the University of Florida. |
| Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet Lois Griffin: Y'know Chris, it's not too late to change your mind about Space Camp, sometimes it could be tough to fit in with a new group of people Peter Griffin: Yeah, I sure had my troubles when I got involved with the boy scouts. Peters lawyer: [Flashback to peter at a public hearing with his lawyer] At no time were the campers in Mr. Griffin naked simultaneously, they merely engaged in horseplay. Newsman: Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys? Peters lawyer: [Peter nods to him excitedly] Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations. |
 | Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank. Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub. Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock. Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf. Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags [throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap] Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour. Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour. Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg. Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed. Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims [emphasising on the H] Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that? |
 | Season 10 / Episode 7: - Amish Guy Peter Griffin: [the ride is based on "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"] Didn't that movie have like a tall guy in a hat? Quagmire: Yeah and there was a guy with a mask who wore a mask. Peter Griffin: Oh, and a guy with an umbrella. And I think he opened it at one point. Lois Griffin: And it wasn't overly long. Peter Griffin: No, not overly long. |
 | Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he had ever seen. Stewie Griffin: [in the pilot] But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman! Brian Griffin: Jeez, what'd you carry a thesaurus around with you? Stewie Griffin: Y'know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. |
| Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot Brian Griffin: [in the pilot] Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stewie Griffin: Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose. Peter Griffin: [in the pilot] Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'. Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? Stewie Griffin: Ah, ew, gross look at that! Brian Griffin: Wait, what are they doing? Stewie Griffin: I dunno, they're just... standing there like zombies. Brian Griffin: Do you think they're all right? Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm not sure. Lois Griffin: [from the pilot] And then there was that time at the ice cream store. [the Griffins stand silently for a few more seconds] Brian Griffin: They're doing it again, what the hell? Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm at a loss. Brian Griffin: I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we... call an ambulance? [pause] Stewie Griffin: That is so creepy. Brian Griffin: [from the pilot, emerging from behind the table] And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"? [they stand around again] Stewie Griffin: Oh, they're-they're doi-they're setting up goddamn cutaways. Brian Griffin: Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Stewie Griffin: Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman. Lois Griffin: You sure you got time to smoke? Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while. |
 | Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party Chris Griffin: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining. Meg Griffin: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me Chris Griffin: HOW AM I A BASTARD? Meg Griffin: Oh, you want the whole story? Lois Griffin: Meg, please. Meg Griffin: Not now, Mom. Peter Griffin: [giggles] I think Brian's getting a little water in there. Meg Griffin: Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? Peter Griffin: [giggles] Still drinkin'. Meg Griffin: Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon? Peter Griffin: [disappointed] Aw. |
| Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party Lois Griffin: Look, the bottom line here Meg is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else. Meg Griffin: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role-model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the pornstar, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her? Lois Griffin: [scoffs] So what? A... all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences Meg Griffin: Are you? Are you a better person? Lois Griffin: What's your point, Meg? Meg Griffin: My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings. Lois Griffin: Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is? Meg Griffin: [chuckles] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I... I don't know that I ever want to see you again! Stewie Griffin: [looking at his phone] Oh, wow, everybody's already Twitting "Stewie Just Said That". Lois Griffin: Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg! Can you, ever forgive me? Oh, God! Meg Griffin: And you never let dad stir the paint anymore... whatever that means. Peter Griffin: I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up. |
| Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party Meg Griffin: You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. Peter Griffin: All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man. Meg Griffin: You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it! Meg Griffin: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! Meg Griffin: Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny! Peter Griffin: I like where this is going. Meg Griffin: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster! Lois Griffin: Meg, watch it. Meg Griffin: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man! Peter Griffin: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off! Lois Griffin: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? Peter Griffin: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers. |
| Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look he has crap on his ear. Peter Griffin: That's unrelated. Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language. Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking! Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry! Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there! |
| Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party Chris Griffin: WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD? Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread. Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.! Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning! Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts! Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em! Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em! Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse! [runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes] I didn't ask to be in this family! Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him. [picks up Stewie] Peter, you come back here! Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms! |
| Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-a-long. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. [Indiana Jones score plays on his cell phone and Peter hums along until Meg opens a soda can/] Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! Meg Griffin: Oh that was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Lois Griffin: Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Chris Griffin: Yeah, shut up, Meg. Meg Griffin: No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! |
 | Season 9 / Episode 11: - German Guy Lois Griffin: I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible! Peter Griffin: Uh, life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G Brian Griffin: This sucks! I can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA. Lois Griffin: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn. Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic. Stewie Griffin: Pshaw! Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. |
| Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting? Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was. Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude. Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'" |
 | Season 9 / Episode 9: - And I'm Joyce Kinney Pastor: [after he finds out Lois was in a pornographic film] You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin. Lois Griffin: But Father, I've been a member of this church for... Pastor: Leave this house of God! Lois Griffin: But I love the church. It's an important part of my life. Pastor: Maybe you should have thought about that before you made a porn. Lois Griffin: But father, I didn't mea... wait, did you say a porn? Pastor: Yes. Lois Griffin: Oh. Well that's kind of weird. Pastor: What? Lois Griffin: Well, I mean you gotta say you made porn or you made a porno. You don't say "made a porn", it hits the ear wrong. Pastor: Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time? [the altar boys nod] |
| Season 9 / Episode 9: - And I'm Joyce Kinney Lois Griffin: It was back in a disgusting period known as the early 80s. It was a time when women would stand topless, high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies while the curtains were billowing around them... I think there was actually more wind then. |
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