Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

15x17 - Peter's Lost Youth Season 15 / Episode 17: - Peter's Lost Youth

Meg Griffin: Mom, you're really going to Boston? I didn't even think you liked baseball.
Lois Griffin: Oh I'm not going for baseball. I'm going for shopping, the hotel spa, and two days being away from you life sucking turds.
15x16 - Saturated Fat Guy Season 15 / Episode 16: - Saturated Fat Guy

Peter Griffin: Oh, hey Lois. I guess you must be happy.
Lois Griffin: Yeah, it's every girl's dream to have her husband hoisted out of a food truck in a horse harness.
15x11 - Gronkowsbees Season 15 / Episode 11: - Gronkowsbees

Peter Griffin: Ordering a drone is gonna be a blast! Even more fun than when I had breakfast in bread.
Peter Griffin: [cut to a scene where Peter is baked into a large loaf of bread] Hi, Lois. It's a great morning. No matter how you SLICE it.
Lois Griffin: I don't know what this is Peter, but we are four months behind our mortgage.
Peter Griffin: Well, that's odd. It's not like we're short on DOUGH.
Lois Griffin: I'm taking the kids and staying at my parents' house for a while.
Peter Griffin: That's the YEAST of my concerns!
15x08 - Carter and Tricia Season 15 / Episode 8: - Carter and Tricia

Lois Griffin: Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery?
Brian Griffin: Well, there's children in the room. Watch your swearing.
15x06 - Hot Shots Season 15 / Episode 6: - Hot Shots

Brian Griffin: I can't believe you guys. Don't you realize you're contributing to a potential public health disaster by not vaccinating your child?
Lois Griffin: That's exactly the point. My child. He's my child and nothing matters more than his well-being.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. This is gonna be a Lois story, isn't it? [to the camera] "Game of Thrones" is on. Just a reminder.
15x06 - Hot Shots Season 15 / Episode 6: - Hot Shots

Lois Griffin: Oh, my God, Peter! You've got measles!
Peter Griffin: Now hold on, hold on. Before we all freak out, it might just be full body herpes.
Meg Griffin: Wait, you guys. Dad might not have been vaccinated. Didn't Grandma say he was born in Mexico?
Peter Griffin: Nobody remembers that, Meg.
15x05 - Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date Season 15 / Episode 5: - Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date

Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Why would you visit Bonnie's Facebook page?
Meg Griffin: Because she's a fucking smoke show!
15x03 - American Gigg-olo Season 15 / Episode 3: - American Gigg-olo

Brian Griffin: [to Lois as he walks into the kitchen] Wow, what a day!
Stewie Griffin: Please don't comment.
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at you. Did you get a job?
Stewie Griffin: Bitch.
15x01 - The Boys In The Band Season 15 / Episode 1: - The Boys In The Band

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's not a horse. Chris, what the hell is that?
Chris Griffin: Oh, this is Mr. Quagmire's horse gimp.
Lois Griffin: What is a horse gimp?
Chris Griffin: It's a sexual fetishist who derives erotic pleasure from dressing in horse-themed leather gear.
14x14 - Underage Peter Season 14 / Episode 14: - Underage Peter

Lois Griffin: [annoyed] Peter, is there something you want to tell me?
Peter Griffin: Uuuh, YEAH. Every light in the house is on.
Lois Griffin: Did you destroy the library?
Peter Griffin: Did *I* destroy the library? Ha! No, Lois. That was television.
14x13 - An App A Day Season 14 / Episode 13: - An App A Day

Lois Griffin: [Speaking to Peter] Wow, we rolled three gutter balls on these kids, huh?
14x11 - The Peanut Butter Kid Season 14 / Episode 11: - The Peanut Butter Kid

Lois Griffin: This is serious. We need to think about our kids' education. Of course, it's already too late for Meg to go to college and Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Stewie Griffin: No, Chris. Not yay.
14x11 - The Peanut Butter Kid Season 14 / Episode 11: - The Peanut Butter Kid

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you rob a bunch of people on the beach with your metal detector?
Peter Griffin: Well, that's only half the story. I also hooted at a lady who was breastfeeding.
14x11 - The Peanut Butter Kid Season 14 / Episode 11: - The Peanut Butter Kid

Lois Griffin: You know, Stewie actually got a call for another commercial tomorrow. Who knows? This could be the beginning of a nice career for him.
Brian Griffin: You sure about this, Lois? I mean, the world of child acting can be a pretty bad environment for a kid. Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child.
Peter Griffin: Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff?
Brian Griffin: Didn't your father hate your guts and die?
14x09 - A Shot in the Dark Season 14 / Episode 9: - A Shot in the Dark

Lois Griffin: Peter, where are you? Peter! Okay, I'm starting The Good Wife without you!
Peter Griffin: Whew! Heh, unlike you I just dodged a bullet.
13x17 - Fighting Irish Season 13 / Episode 17: - Fighting Irish

Miss Tammy: Oh, Lois, I'm glad you're here. I noticed that you're one of the moms who hasn't yet signed up to be a classroom volunteer.
Lois Griffin: Oh, I-I just assumed after that incident in the parking lot with that bitch in the Lexus, you wouldn't want me to. But, yeah, I'd be happy to help out in the class.
Stewie Griffin: What? I don't want you here. This is my turf. I don't bother you when you're sitting on the washing machine, screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.
13x17 - Fighting Irish Season 13 / Episode 17: - Fighting Irish

Lois Griffin: [after Landon spills a drink on himself and starts crying] Oh, Landon, what's the matter? Aw, did you spill juice on yourself, sweetheart?
Stewie Griffin: Sweetheart? Slow your roll there, Cougar Town.
13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Peter Griffin: Lois, can you pour my juice? I can't lift my arm.
Lois Griffin: I still can't believe Brian bit you. It just doesn't seem like him.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, because you know him so well...! Shut your faaaaaaace.
13x11 - Encyclopedia Griffin Season 13 / Episode 11: - Encyclopedia Griffin

Lois Griffin: Peter, I was at the park with Stewie and someone stole his tricycle. And during like the one second I was looking down at my phone and not at him.
13x11 - Encyclopedia Griffin Season 13 / Episode 11: - Encyclopedia Griffin

Lois Griffin: Maybe it's our fault Chris has such a screwed-up idea about what a relationship is. I mean, let's be honest, we're not exactly the model of a healthy marriage.
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy, is this 'cause of the time I pushed off of you after sex and bruised your boob?
13x10 - Quagmire's Mom Season 13 / Episode 10: - Quagmire's Mom

Peter Griffin: [after someone pointing out his checkbook doesn't have anything written in it] Lois, why DON'T my checkbooks have any writing in them?
Lois Griffin: Well, Peter...
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: That's just a wide pad of post-its I gave you.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT? So that million-dollar check you gave me yesterday is no good? I quit my job, man!
Stewie Griffin: [cut to Stewie flipping his co-workers off] I will NOT see you Monday!
13x10 - Quagmire's Mom Season 13 / Episode 10: - Quagmire's Mom

Lois Griffin: [When Peter throws a party] Peter, what the hell is going on?
Teenager: [to Peter] Oh, dude, is that your mom?
Lois Griffin: No, I'm not his mom, you little bastard.
Peter Griffin: That "little bastard" knows how to smoke pot out of an apple.
13x10 - Quagmire's Mom Season 13 / Episode 10: - Quagmire's Mom

Lois Griffin: Glenn, what the hell's going on?
Glenn Quagmire: It turns out that girl I took home from Peter's party last night is in high school.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God! Does this mean you're gonna move to Europe to make movies?
13x06 - The 2000-Year-Old Virgin Season 13 / Episode 6: - The 2000-Year-Old Virgin

Jesus Christ: Lois... Seems like you folks learned... the lesson I intended.
Peter Griffin: *What* lesson?
Jesus Christ: Oh, you know... uuuh... That... this holiest of days is about... appreciating... our loved ones and... uuuuh... resisting... temptation.
Lois Griffin: Oh... So it was a test. Like when your father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
Jesus Christ: Yes! *That*! That's exactly right! Uuuuh... well. I can see my work here is done.
Peter Griffin: Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
Jesus Christ: Yeah I guess, who cares. I'm not even real, Merry Christmas.
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Lois Griffin: Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey!
Peter Griffin: If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on "Evan Almighty"! Zap!
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Peter Griffin: [to Lois] We'll be back with a turkey faster than you can say, "Jack Robinson."
Lois Griffin: Jack Ro... [slurs] Jack Ro... [slurs]
Peter Griffin: She had a stroke that killed the part of her brain that says, "Jack Robinson." We got plenty of time.
13x02 - Book Of Joe Season 13 / Episode 2: - Book Of Joe

Brian Griffin: You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon in a couple weeks.
Lois Griffin: A marathon? Bu-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb?
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Lois Griffin: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian Griffin: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Lois Griffin: Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] Ow! Screw you, you little turd!
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Peter Griffin: Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Chris Griffin: Where?
Peter Griffin: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep.


Stewie Griffin: No!
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's going on in...
Peter Griffin: [smacking Lois with the mattress] Unga bunga!

Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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