Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #2 of 27 (Full List)

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Lois Griffin Family Guy

Lois Griffin

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  Played by:
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
[b]Alexandrea "Alex" Borstein[/b] is an American actress, writer, producer, and comedian. She ...

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Lois Griffin Quotes

15x05 - Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date Season 15 / Episode 5: - Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date

Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Why would you visit Bonnie's Facebook page?
Meg Griffin: Because she's a fucking smoke show!
15x01 - The Boys In The Band Season 15 / Episode 1: - The Boys In The Band

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's not a horse. Chris, what the hell is that?
Chris Griffin: Oh, this is Mr. Quagmire's horse gimp.
Lois Griffin: What is a horse gimp?
Chris Griffin: It's a sexual fetishist who derives erotic pleasure from dressing in horse-themed leather gear.
14x14 - Underage Peter Season 14 / Episode 14: - Underage Peter

Lois Griffin: [annoyed] Peter, is there something you want to tell me?
Peter Griffin: Uuuh, YEAH. Every light in the house is on.
Lois Griffin: Did you destroy the library?
Peter Griffin: Did *I* destroy the library? Ha! No, Lois. That was television.
14x13 - An App A Day Season 14 / Episode 13: - An App A Day

Lois Griffin: [Speaking to Peter] Wow, we rolled three gutter balls on these kids, huh?
14x11 - The Peanut Butter Kid Season 14 / Episode 11: - The Peanut Butter Kid

Lois Griffin: This is serious. We need to think about our kids' education. Of course, it's already too late for Meg to go to college and Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Stewie Griffin: No, Chris. Not yay.
14x11 - The Peanut Butter Kid Season 14 / Episode 11: - The Peanut Butter Kid

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you rob a bunch of people on the beach with your metal detector?
Peter Griffin: Well, that's only half the story. I also hooted at a lady who was breastfeeding.
14x11 - The Peanut Butter Kid Season 14 / Episode 11: - The Peanut Butter Kid

Lois Griffin: You know, Stewie actually got a call for another commercial tomorrow. Who knows? This could be the beginning of a nice career for him.
Brian Griffin: You sure about this, Lois? I mean, the world of child acting can be a pretty bad environment for a kid. Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child.
Peter Griffin: Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff?
Brian Griffin: Didn't your father hate your guts and die?
14x09 - A Shot in the Dark Season 14 / Episode 9: - A Shot in the Dark

Lois Griffin: Peter, where are you? Peter! Okay, I'm starting The Good Wife without you!
Peter Griffin: Whew! Heh, unlike you I just dodged a bullet.
13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Peter Griffin: Lois, can you pour my juice? I can't lift my arm.
Lois Griffin: I still can't believe Brian bit you. It just doesn't seem like him.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, because you know him so well...! Shut your faaaaaaace.
13x10 - Quagmire's Mom Season 13 / Episode 10: - Quagmire's Mom

Peter Griffin: [after someone pointing out his checkbook doesn't have anything written in it] Lois, why DON'T my checkbooks have any writing in them?
Lois Griffin: Well, Peter...
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: That's just a wide pad of post-its I gave you.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT? So that million-dollar check you gave me yesterday is no good? I quit my job, man!
Stewie Griffin: [cut to Stewie flipping his co-workers off] I will NOT see you Monday!
13x06 - The 2000-Year-Old Virgin Season 13 / Episode 6: - The 2000-Year-Old Virgin

Jesus Christ: Lois... Seems like you folks learned... the lesson I intended.
Peter Griffin: *What* lesson?
Jesus Christ: Oh, you know... uuuh... That... this holiest of days is about... appreciating... our loved ones and... uuuuh... resisting... temptation.
Lois Griffin: Oh... So it was a test. Like when your father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
Jesus Christ: Yes! *That*! That's exactly right! Uuuuh... well. I can see my work here is done.
Peter Griffin: Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
Jesus Christ: Yeah I guess, who cares. I'm not even real, Merry Christmas.
13x02 - Book Of Joe Season 13 / Episode 2: - Book Of Joe

Brian Griffin: You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon in a couple weeks.
Lois Griffin: A marathon? Bu-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb?
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Lois Griffin: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian Griffin: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Lois Griffin: Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] Ow! Screw you, you little turd!
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Peter Griffin: Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Chris Griffin: Where?
Peter Griffin: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep.


Stewie Griffin: No!
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's going on in...
Peter Griffin: [smacking Lois with the mattress] Unga bunga!
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Lois Griffin: Happy birthday, Stewie! And here's your equal attention cake, Peter!
Peter Griffin: Yay! [blows out both cakes' candles]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Yay, double wishes! [a meteorite lands on Meg] One. [the meteorite splits to reveal a Snickers bar] Two.
12x20 - He's Bla-ack! Season 12 / Episode 20: - He's Bla-ack!

Lois Griffin: Peter, this is serious! A woman hit our child! What is wrong with her?
Brian Griffin: Whoa, can I get some white bread on that judgmental sandwich?
Lois Griffin: Brian, why are you bringing race into this?
Brian Griffin: Lois, I've spent my life trying to keep race out of things. That's why whenever I walk into Lids, every guy fist-bumps me.
Lois Griffin: Oh, you're full of crap, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm just saying, Lois, some of us go through life without seeing color.
Lois Griffin: That's because you're color blind, Brian.
12x20 - He's Bla-ack! Season 12 / Episode 20: - He's Bla-ack!

Lois Griffin: Donna, what gives you the right to spank my child?
Donna Tubbs: It always smells like the same meal over here.
Donna Tubbs: I hit him for a reason. He broke my vase. And maybe I wouldn't have to discipline your child if you did it yourself!
Lois Griffin: Oh, please! The only thing kids learn from spanking is adults don't have the patience to teach them.
Donna Tubbs: Bull honky.
12x20 - He's Bla-ack! Season 12 / Episode 20: - He's Bla-ack!

Lois Griffin: [to Donna] I don't spank and my children are very well-behaved.
Donna Tubbs: Oh, yeah? Your baby's on the roof right now.
Lois Griffin: [sees Stewie standing on the roof] Stewie! You get down from there this instant!
Stewie Griffin: Munch me, bitch!
Lois Griffin: Right now, Stewie or you're in time-out!
Stewie Griffin: How many gray pubes you pluck today, you old bag?
12x20 - He's Bla-ack! Season 12 / Episode 20: - He's Bla-ack!

Donna Tubbs: [to Lois] Your time-outs are a joke. You're a terrible parent.
Lois Griffin: I'm a terrible parent? You're a child abuser! You know what? From now on, I don't want our families having anything to do with each other!
Peter Griffin: Well, Cleveland, looks like these two little alley cats have scrapped it out. I'll see you tomorrow.
Lois Griffin: That includes you, Peter. I don't want you ever talking to Cleveland again.
Donna Tubbs: And Cleveland, I forbid you from ever talking to Peter again!
12x20 - He's Bla-ack! Season 12 / Episode 20: - He's Bla-ack!

Lois Griffin: Peter, let's just give Susie her gift, eat our cake and leave. I don't want to be here with that Brown family.
Stewie Griffin: That sounds even more racist than it is.
12x06 - Life of Brian Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry]
11x17 - Bigfat Season 11 / Episode 17: - Bigfat

Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream.


Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?


Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
11x17 - Bigfat Season 11 / Episode 17: - Bigfat

Lois Griffin: [finds her sequinned top in the garbage] Who threw out my sequinned top?
Stewie Griffin: [off-screen, upstairs in bedroom] You're 43, accept it!
11x14 - Call Girl Season 11 / Episode 14: - Call Girl

Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches!
Chris Griffin: [running out in disgust] Gross!
Peter Griffin: I'm gonna wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket.
Meg Griffin: [also running out in disgust] Oh, my god!
Stewie Griffin: [Peter and Lois kiss on the couch] Can I interest you guys in a two and a quarter-way?
11x09 - Space Cadet Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet

Chris Griffin: Mom, I can handle space camp. I'm not stupid.
Peter Griffin: Well, regardless, on the way back we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was the University of Florida.
11x09 - Space Cadet Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet

Lois Griffin: Y'know Chris, it's not too late to change your mind about Space Camp, sometimes it could be tough to fit in with a new group of people
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I sure had my troubles when I got involved with the boy scouts.
Peters lawyer: [Flashback to peter at a public hearing with his lawyer] At no time were the campers in Mr. Griffin naked simultaneously, they merely engaged in horseplay.
Newsman: Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys?
Peters lawyer: [Peter nods to him excitedly] Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations.
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags [throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims [emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?
10x07 - Amish Guy Season 10 / Episode 7: - Amish Guy

Peter Griffin: [the ride is based on "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"] Didn't that movie have like a tall guy in a hat?
Quagmire: Yeah and there was a guy with a mask who wore a mask.
Peter Griffin: Oh, and a guy with an umbrella. And I think he opened it at one point.
Lois Griffin: And it wasn't overly long.
Peter Griffin: No, not overly long.
10x06 - Thanksgiving Season 10 / Episode 6: - Thanksgiving

Lois Griffin: Okay, everyone, it's 2:30! Time for dinner! 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason!

Previous: Peter Griffin Next: Stewie Griffin
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