Jan. 31, 1999
Returning Series
30 min.
FOX TV Network

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Chris Griffin Family Guy

Chris Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth GreenSeth Green
Seth Green was raised in Overbrook Park by his parents; Herb, a math teacher, and Barbara, an artist. ...

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Chris Griffin Quotes

15x02 - Bookie of the Year Season 15 / Episode 2: - Bookie of the Year

Chris Griffin: Oh hey, fellow teens. Wait a minute... Teens don't have wheelchairs! [Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe beat him down with baseball bats]
15x01 - The Boys In The Band Season 15 / Episode 1: - The Boys In The Band

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's not a horse. Chris, what the hell is that?
Chris Griffin: Oh, this is Mr. Quagmire's horse gimp.
Lois Griffin: What is a horse gimp?
Chris Griffin: It's a sexual fetishist who derives erotic pleasure from dressing in horse-themed leather gear.
14x18 - The New Adventures of Old Tom Season 14 / Episode 18: - The New Adventures of Old Tom

Chris Griffin: You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Brian Griffin: Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Chris Griffin: *Yeah*? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap *soon*, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
Chris Griffin: SHUT UP, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, he found a burn he likes.
14x06 - Peter's Sister Season 14 / Episode 6: - Peter's Sister

Chris Griffin: Any flyers of Hispanic women running for city council?
Meg Griffin: [surprised] Yeah, there is!
Chris Griffin: Thank you.
14x05 - Peter, Chris & Brian Season 14 / Episode 5: - Peter, Chris & Brian

Chris Griffin: Apologies for being so tardy.
Peter Griffin: Aaw Chris you are not tardy, we tested you twice.
13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Chris Griffin: You know, If I didn't know better I'd think that fish are ghosts and I'd also think that you're putting the moves on Meg.
13x07 - Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure Season 13 / Episode 7: - Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure

Chris Griffin: Screw you, Stewie. You are a jerk! And I'm gonna win that bowling tournament, with or without you!
Stewie Griffin: What does he... What? He doesn't even know what we're preparing him for!
13x07 - Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure Season 13 / Episode 7: - Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure

Chris Griffin: [onboard of Titanic] This would make a great movie.
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Chris Griffin: First I'm microwaving a kitten and now I'm holding a host!
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Peter Griffin: Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Chris Griffin: Where?
Peter Griffin: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep.

Stewie Griffin: No!
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's going on in...
Peter Griffin: [smacking Lois with the mattress] Unga bunga!
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Chris Griffin: It took three years, but I am finally through all that porn.
12x06 - Life of Brian Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry]
11x14 - Call Girl Season 11 / Episode 14: - Call Girl

Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches!
Chris Griffin: [running out in disgust] Gross!
Peter Griffin: I'm gonna wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket.
Meg Griffin: [also running out in disgust] Oh, my god!
Stewie Griffin: [Peter and Lois kiss on the couch] Can I interest you guys in a two and a quarter-way?
11x09 - Space Cadet Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet

Chris Griffin: Mom, I can handle space camp. I'm not stupid.
Peter Griffin: Well, regardless, on the way back we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was the University of Florida.
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags [throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims [emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Chris Griffin: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
Meg Griffin: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me
Chris Griffin: HOW AM I A BASTARD?
Meg Griffin: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois Griffin: Meg, please.
Meg Griffin: Not now, Mom.
Peter Griffin: [giggles] I think Brian's getting a little water in there.
Meg Griffin: Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?
Peter Griffin: [giggles] Still drinkin'.
Meg Griffin: Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?

Peter Griffin: [disappointed] Aw.
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?
Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look he has crap on his ear.
Peter Griffin: That's unrelated.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking!
Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!
Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!

10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread.
Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!
Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning!
Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em!
Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!
Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter
Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse! [runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes] I didn't ask to be in this family!
Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him. [picks up Stewie] Peter, you come back here!
Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-a-long. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. [Indiana Jones score plays on his cell phone and Peter hums along until Meg opens a soda can/] Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
Meg Griffin: Oh that was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming?
Lois Griffin: Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, shut up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!
09x17 - Foreign Affairs Season 9 / Episode 17: - Foreign Affairs

Meg Griffin: The goat flu outbreak at school is over and, honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.
Peter Griffin: Ohhhh Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything! Watch! CHRIS! Dates! Battle of Hastings?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Franco-Prussian War?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Sherman's March to the Sea?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Cuban Missile Crisis?
Chris Griffin: No idea.
Peter Griffin: Trail of Tears?
Chris Griffin: Never heard of it.
Peter Griffin: Death of Charlemagne?
Chris Griffin: What is that?
Peter Griffin: Treaty of Augsburg?
Chris Griffin: I got nothin'.
Peter Griffin: Cortez reaches South America?
Chris Griffin: Pumping a dry well.
Peter Griffin: San Juan Hill?
Chris Griffin: No!
Peter Griffin: Wounded Knee?
Chris Griffin: Stop!
Peter Griffin: Great Schism?
Chris Griffin: DAD!
Peter Griffin: Ahh, I'll take you back to school.
09x17 - Foreign Affairs Season 9 / Episode 17: - Foreign Affairs

Teacher: [turning around the class on his scooter, completely naked] This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other!
Peter Griffin: [appearing in Chris' thought and whispering] Chris... you know this
Chris Griffin: [raising his hand] Sherman's March to the Seal!
Teacher: Yes! Finally someone gets it! [crashes off screen] Ah! Fuck, children! My cock-sucking elbow! Oh, all the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Oh, it's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Oh, I'm so fucked!
09x13 - Trading Places Season 9 / Episode 13: - Trading Places

Meg Griffin: Chris, look at what you did!
Chris Griffin: You mean, look at what 2 black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.
09x11 - German Guy Season 9 / Episode 11: - German Guy

Peter Griffin: Ok Chris, this is the gentle art of philately, otherwise known as stamp collecting. Here's a pile of stamps carefully collected from swap meets and garage sales.
Peter Griffin: [picks up a stamp] And look at this, it's a bolivian airplane. It says it's worth 8 cents, but really...
Peter Griffin: [briefly checks a book] It's worth 12. See that? Already ahead. And right out of the blocks with the winner here Chris.
Peter Griffin: [picks stamp up on puts it in the scrap book] Now we'll just paste this very carefully into the book. And that's where it belongs
Peter Griffin: [takes out a gun] Now this is a loaded handgun.
Peter Griffin: [puts gun to his head] Now what we're gonna do is kill ourselves because this is horrible.
Chris Griffin: Couldn't we just stop philately?
Peter Griffin: Too late. [shoots himself]
09x04 - Halloween on Spooner Street Season 9 / Episode 4: - Halloween on Spooner Street

Chris Griffin: Uh, Brian, why are you pink?
Brian Griffin: [sniffing] Why do you two smell like sweat and shame?
08x20 - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side Season 8 / Episode 20: - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job with that already, Dad.
Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris Griffin: Oh, I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? All forty-two of them?
Chris Griffin: [sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story, then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris Griffin: Fuck you, Dad!
08x19 - The Splendid Source Season 8 / Episode 19: - The Splendid Source

Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.
08x18 - Quagmire's Daddy Season 8 / Episode 18: - Quagmire's Daddy

Peter Griffin: Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, do you miss your penis?
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Chris Griffin: Thank you for asking it.
Glenn Quagmire: Jeez.
Dan Quagmire: No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is I still have it. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.
Dan Quagmire: Come on, dad...
Stewie Griffin: Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.

Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!

Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
Peter Griffin: Well Played.
Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.

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