Jan. 31, 1999
Returning Series
30 min.
FOX TV Network

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Chris Griffin Family Guy

Chris Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth GreenSeth Green
Seth Green was raised in Overbrook Park by his parents; Herb, a math teacher, and Barbara, an artist. ...

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Chris Griffin Quotes

12x06 - Life of Brian Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry]
09x17 - Foreign Affairs Season 9 / Episode 17: - Foreign Affairs

Meg Griffin: The goat flu outbreak at school is over and, honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.
Peter Griffin: Ohhhh Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything! Watch! CHRIS! Dates! Battle of Hastings?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Franco-Prussian War?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Sherman's March to the Sea?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Cuban Missile Crisis?
Chris Griffin: No idea.
Peter Griffin: Trail of Tears?
Chris Griffin: Never heard of it.
Peter Griffin: Death of Charlemagne?
Chris Griffin: What is that?
Peter Griffin: Treaty of Augsburg?
Chris Griffin: I got nothin'.
Peter Griffin: Cortez reaches South America?
Chris Griffin: Pumping a dry well.
Peter Griffin: San Juan Hill?
Chris Griffin: No!
Peter Griffin: Wounded Knee?
Chris Griffin: Stop!
Peter Griffin: Great Schism?
Chris Griffin: DAD!
Peter Griffin: Ahh, I'll take you back to school.
09x13 - Trading Places Season 9 / Episode 13: - Trading Places

Meg Griffin: Chris, look at what you did!
Chris Griffin: You mean, look at what 2 black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.
09x04 - Halloween on Spooner Street Season 9 / Episode 4: - Halloween on Spooner Street

Chris Griffin: Uh, Brian, why are you pink?
Brian Griffin: [sniffing] Why do you two smell like sweat and shame?
08x20 - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side Season 8 / Episode 20: - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job with that already, Dad.
Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris Griffin: Oh, I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? All forty-two of them?
Chris Griffin: [sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story, then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris Griffin: Fuck you, Dad!
08x19 - The Splendid Source Season 8 / Episode 19: - The Splendid Source

Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.

Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!

Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
Peter Griffin: Well Played.
Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.

07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Chris Griffin: Would you do me? I'd do me. I'd do me so hard.
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'? [pause] Penis. [another pause] Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on? [laughs out loud]
07x05 - The Man With Two Brians Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians

Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!
07x04 - Baby Not On Board Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board

Peter Griffin: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
Chris Griffin: Haha, movie references.
07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.

Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.

Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.
06x12 - Long John Peter Season 6 / Episode 12: - Long John Peter

Chris Griffin: [Chris and Anna are on their first date] You know Anna, when I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world. And now, all I wanna do is show you my innermost self, but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see. Or, that you'll see my scrotum and see that it has a seam on it and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together, 'cause that's what I think happened and...
Anna: [places a finger on Chris' lips] Chris, I like you. [kisses him] You don't have to try so hard.
Chris Griffin: I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kid watching a toy commercial.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Chris Griffin: [after Dylan beats up the Evil Monkey] Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy... there is a lot of feces in here.
06x10 - Play it Again, Brian Season 6 / Episode 10: - Play it Again, Brian

Chris Griffin: Are you a pedophile?
06x03 - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air

Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair?
Joe: I gave it away.
Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee!
Adam West: My tulips! You dick.
06x02 - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your [starts laughing] book!

Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!
06x02 - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Meg Griffin: Supervisor?
Carl: Yeah... I promoted him this morning.
Chris Griffin: Promoted me this morning!
Meg Griffin: What? Carl... you promised me that assistant manager job!
Carl: Uh... Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see "Broken Lizard's Club Dread?"
Meg Griffin: No.
Carl: Well... go see that movie and absorb it's message and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about.
Meg Griffin: Carl... this isn't fair!
Carl: Alright, then... you're fired.
Meg Griffin: What? Bu... you ca...

Carl: Don' worry about it Chris, she'll be fine. Oh... hey... by the way... You know who's hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stewart Masterson.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, yeah... in that kinda you think you could get her 'cause she could be your brother kinda thing... like she's gettable. Ya' know. Like, like, like, Elizabeth Shu.
Carl: Oh, yeah, I remember her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, ya' know she was in "Leaving Las Vegas" in addition to "Adventures In Babysitting." One of those under rated actresses who never really popped, if ya' know what I'm saying.
Carl: Who? Elizabeth Shu?
Chris Griffin: Yeah. Like totally naked in "Leaving Las Vegas," but... um... still so hot.
Carl: I don't see hard films.
Chris Griffin: Like crazy hot... It's like 39 minutes 45 seconds in. Really exceptional sequence, I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol, he's a failed writer who just decides hey I'm gonna have a big glass a' rye in Las Vegas. Then he, meets a whore and pays her a bunch a' money to stay with him, and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. And she's game for it, but she catches his feeling midway through and the whole thing changes.
Carl: Wow. Have you seen "Cocktail?"
Chris Griffin: Yeah... yeah.
Carl: She was in that.
Chris Griffin: She... was in that.
Carl: Yeah.
06x02 - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Carl: Hey there buddy... check it out... I put a crawler in the Jerry's Kid's jar. I thought that'd be funny.
Chris Griffin: That is hilarious, but Carl, I want you to hire my sister back.
Carl: No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass... I don't want her back in here.
Chris Griffin: Well... that's a shame, 'cause I watched "Event Horizon" last night.
Carl: No way! We have to talk about it!
Chris Griffin: Well... uh... my memory's kinda hasty.
Carl: We have to talk about every scene... man! Hey, hey, hey... 'member when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode, wasn't that awesome! Please agree with me that that was awesome!
Chris Griffin: Well... maybe if you hired Meg back, maybe I'll have an opinion.
Carl: SHE'S HIRED! What do ya' think of it?
Chris Griffin: It was AWESOME!
Carl: Wasn't it AWESOME!
Chris Griffin: It was totally AWESOME!
06x02 - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Chris Griffin: Wow! You were almost in a dirt-bike race!
Carl: Yeah... I filled out most of the paper work, too.
Chris Griffin: You are the coolest guy I have ever met!
Carl: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: [walks on screen] Hey guys! Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me.
Carl: Ah... ya know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? I need Chris up here with me.
Meg Griffin: But the boxes are really heavy!
Carl: Uh... that's 'cause there's a bunch a' stuff in them.

Carl: Chris...
Chris Griffin: [starts laughing as if on cue] Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Meg Griffin: [sighs and leaves]
Carl: Hey... Chris... have you ever seen the movie "Cruel Intentions?"
Chris Griffin: No.
Carl: Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out... it's pretty hot. 47 minutes, 16 seconds in.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what another good movie is, "Career Opportunities" with Jennifer Connoly. I mean, that's one of those movies where... she's... really hot in it... but it's also a good movie.
Chris Griffin: She was in "A Beautiful Mind" and I gotta say the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she... uh... wore clothes the entire film.
Carl: Was she hot in it?
Chris Griffin: Yeah, in the way that like classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya' know?
Carl: No.
Chris Griffin: Alright... so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?
Carl: Wow... you're smart.
Chris Griffin: Wha... What?
06x01 - Blue Harvest Season 6 / Episode 1: - Blue Harvest

Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris Griffin: I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter Griffin: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris Griffin: Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
05x16 - No Chris Left Behind Season 5 / Episode 16: - No Chris Left Behind

Principal Shepard: Chris Griffin... you are expelled from James Wood High
Chris Griffin: But if I leave now, I won't find out who the dumbest kid in School is!
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Chris Griffin: Oh boy, a pig! Can we keep him? OWW, he bit me!
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Herbert: Hey there, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, Mr. Herbert!
Herbert: Sellin' your old hand-me-downs?
Chris Griffin: Yep!
Herbert: You got anything that you used to wear in the summer time?
Chris Griffin: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus.
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Meg Griffin: Hi, honey. [to Brian]
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.
Brian Griffin: Yeahhh
Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"
Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
Chris Griffin: Masturbate?
Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.
05x05 - Whistle While Your Wife Works Season 5 / Episode 5: - Whistle While Your Wife Works

Jillian: Think about this: Have you ever seen the sun and the moon at the same time?
Peter Griffin: [gasps] They're the same person!
Chris Griffin: [to Jillian] You're brilliant!
05x03 - Hell Comes to Quahog Season 5 / Episode 3: - Hell Comes to Quahog

Lois Griffin: So, how was work today Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Peter, you lost your job because of a superstore, you shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg".
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Brian Griffin: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: Hahahahaha! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEGGGGGG!
Peter Griffin: [blows longer raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows 7 raspberries]
Chris Griffin: [quietly] Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows quieter raspberry]
04x26 - Petergeist Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist

Lois Griffin: Are you sure Stewie can find his away out?
Psychic: We just gotta be patient Lois. Like waitin' on the results of a blood test. A REAL IMPORTANT blood test.
Chris Griffin: Will I ever see my baby brother again?
Psychic: Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walkin' along, they stop and say "Ooh, is that a new restaurant? That place must have just opened up cuz I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago." I went in there once and there was a guy with a hair lip eatin' soup - and I was like ewww. It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know, but I still never went back there. I mean I guess there's only like a 1 in 50 chance of me gettin' the same spoon that he had. But I still don't like them odds.

Previous: Brian Griffin Next: Meg Griffin
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