Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #4 of 27 (Full List)

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Brian Griffin Family Guy

Brian Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Brian Griffin Quotes

07x14 - We Love You Conrad Season 7 / Episode 14: - We Love You Conrad

Lauren Conrad: This is not about me being smarter than you. This is about you still being in love with with Jillian.
Brian Griffin: How do you know?
Lauren Conrad: Because I'm smarter than you.
07x14 - We Love You Conrad Season 7 / Episode 14: - We Love You Conrad

Brian Griffin: Wow Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there.
Jillian Russell: He also speaks orange.
Derek Wilcox: That's Mandarin honey.
Jillian Russell: Mandolin.
07x13 - Stew-roids Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids

Brian Griffin: [seeing the new buffed-up Stewie] Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine!
Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Brian Griffin: [to Meg] If there was a God would He give you a smokin' hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter?
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Stewie Griffin: Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured. And doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."
Brian Griffin: Are you queer?
Stewie Griffin: Probably.
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Brian Griffin: Ah, the Annual Quahog Science Fiction Festival. Where Science Fiction Fans take their mouths off the barrel of a loaded shotgun and spend the day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Brian Griffin: [after his car comes crashing through the window] I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.
Peter Griffin: Ha!
07x09 - The Juice Is Loose! Season 7 / Episode 9: - The Juice Is Loose!

Brian Griffin: [to Peter about the OJ Simpson trial] Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake.
Peter Griffin: You're saying all those guys in their powdery wigs and their Pilgrim hats and their big, gross wives were wrong? Man, they'd have to be stupider than you are when you fart yourself awake.
Brian Griffin: [Cutaway to Brian sleeping in the living room, then he farts and wakes up] Hello? What the... wha...? Who's there? What's going on? Whatever's happening in here, just knock it off.
07x08 - Family Gay Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay

Stewie Griffin: [mumbles something inaudibly]
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: I said homosexuality is wrong.
Brian Griffin: Are you... Are you being serious right now?
Stewie Griffin: Just keep it in the bedroom, you know? I mean I'm not all in your face with my heterosexuality.
Brian Griffin: Ah, no, you are not.
07x08 - Family Gay Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay

Meg Griffin: So Dad's gonna be gay forever?
Lois Griffin: Possibly, Meg. We're all gonna have to get used to this and learn to accept your father for who he is.
Stewie Griffin: Great plan, Lois. Hey, here's a nutty idea. Ever read the Bible? Leviticus 18:22.
Brian Griffin: Stewie, you're judgmentally quoting Bible verses and you don't even know how to read.
Stewie Griffin: Welcome to America, Brian.
07x07 - Ocean's Three and a Half Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half

Brian Griffin: What's it called?
Stewie Griffin: Susie.
Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie Griffin: Name twenty!
Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.
Stewie Griffin: Name six more!
Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Stewie Griffin: Name five more!
Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!
07x07 - Ocean's Three and a Half Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie has just shown Brian his music video] Don't worry, Brian. Those goosebumps will go away in about twenty minutes.
Brian Griffin: Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.
07x05 - The Man With Two Brians Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians

Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you...


Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.


Peter Griffin: Okay, go!


Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow.


Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...


Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...


Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
07x05 - The Man With Two Brians Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians

Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!
07x04 - Baby Not On Board Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board

Peter Griffin: Ground Zero. So this is were the first guy got AIDS.
Brian Griffin: Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Peter Griffin: Oh so Saddam Hussein did this?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: The Iraqi army?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Some guys from Iraq?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
Brian Griffin: No, Peter Iraq had nothing to do with this, it was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
Peter Griffin: So you're saying we need to invade Iran?
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: But where do we find uranium in WWII Europe?
Brian Griffin: There's only one place, at the top secret atomic research facility... in Berlin.
Stewie Griffin: Wait a minute, Germany's building Weapons of Mass Destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses?
Brian Griffin: I don't know [slowly turns toward the camera] maybe because they don't have any oil?
Stewie Griffin: Oooooohhhh... [he applauds] oh clap clap clap clap clap!
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: Mort? Hello? Mort?
Stewie Griffin: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking on the street paws!
Brian Griffin: I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down.
Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: My time machine's been activated.
Brian Griffin: Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.


European See 'n Say: The pig goes "WANK!"


European See 'n Say: The cow goes "SHAZOO!"
Stewie Griffin: It most certainly does not!


European See 'n Say: The rooster goes "GICKORY GEE!"
Stewie Griffin: Where? Where does the rooster say that?


European See 'n Say: The monkey goes "MACAQUE!"
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, no, no! It does not!


European See 'n Say: The elephant goes "THWOMP!"
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah, kinda.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: Remember Brian, don't touch anything when we are in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
Brian Griffin: Really?
Stewie Griffin: Nah you can do whatever you want.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Stewie Griffin: OK, if everything worked properly this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now we just got to find out where we are.
Brian Griffin: Or WHEN we are.
Stewie Griffin: Ah that's such a douche time traveler thing to say. [a Cow says SHAZOOM]. Okay we are somewhere in Europe.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: [Brian, Stewie and Mort are stuck in Warsaw Poland during the invasion] Stewie, the return pad isn't working!
Stewie Griffin: Yeah and you know what's not gonna fix it, your shouting.
Mort Goldman: Oh God. Should we ask somebody for help?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah right. How many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.
07x03 - Road to Germany Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany

Brian Griffin: [Brian goes looking for Mort Goldman] Mort? Hello?
Stewie Griffin: Hey hey hey hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty, walking-on-the-street paws!
07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Stewie Griffin: [Surfin' Bird is playing for the umpteenth time, and they're both on the couch feeling exasperated] Brian?
Brian Griffin: Yeah?
Stewie Griffin: I don't feel so good. [a stream of blood starts to trickle from his nose]
07x02 - I Dream of Jesus Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus

Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.


Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.


Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.
07x01 - Love Blactually Season 7 / Episode 1: - Love Blactually

Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing that Brian is also dressed as Snoopy for the costume party] Ugh, you know. This is why you... Brian, remember. For the last couple of weeks, I kept saying "Can I have a couple of minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about! This evening is "rueened!"
Brian Griffin: Look, I... Wait, what?
Stewie Griffin: This evening is rueened! The whole evening is rueened!
Brian Griffin: Why are you saying it like that?
Stewie Griffin: Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's rueened.
Brian Griffin: You know what? I'm not gonna get sucked into this.


Brian Griffin: Okay, just so that I'm sure. Really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say it?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm talking about this rueened evening.
Brian Griffin: That's not how you say "ruined."
Stewie Griffin: What? Rueened?
Brian Griffin: What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures?
Stewie Griffin: Ruins.
Brian Griffin: And how would you describe this evening?
Stewie Griffin: Well, rueened, of course. This evening is rueened.
Brian Griffin: Say "ruined."
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Ruined.
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Ruined.
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Dumbass.
Stewie Griffin: Well, Brian. Don't be "cruelle."
06x12 - Long John Peter Season 6 / Episode 12: - Long John Peter

Brian Griffin: [Brian is lying on the floor, after being severely beaten by Chris] OK someone needs to help me here. [Stewie approaches Brian, as he lays on the floor, and kicks him]
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian when he becomes a magician to impress a girl] You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show.
Brian Griffin: Really?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah. We'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Saw me in half.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [to Lois] Don't worry. I got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.


Stewie Griffin: Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!
Dylan: I'm out of here.
Stewie Griffin: Huh, did you see that, Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Dylan: Knock-knock.
Brian Griffin: Who's there?
Dylan: You're there.
Brian Griffin: I'll always be there, Dylan.
06x11 - The Former Life of Brian Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian

Stewie Griffin: How can you have a 13-year-old son when you're only 7?
Brian Griffin: Those are dog years.
Stewie Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian Griffin: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

Previous: Stewie Griffin Next: Chris Griffin
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