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Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #4 of 27 (Full List)

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Brian Griffin Family Guy

Brian Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Brian Griffin Quotes

05x18 - Meet the Quagmires Season 5 / Episode 18: - Meet the Quagmires

Brian Griffin: Wow. 18 year old Lois. Son of a bitch.
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Brian Griffin: [answers the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.
Jillian: Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these cheers and jeers work again?
Brian Griffin: Uh, well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it, uh...
Jillian: Oh! See, yeah, I'm not quite - We can't do this over the phone! You're gonna have to come over.
Brian Griffin: I can't come over! We're still on the run because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.
Jillian: No, they don't! Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago.
Brian Griffin: What? I have to go! [starts to hang up the phone]
Jillian: Wait! Wait! I have another question: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian Griffin: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian Griffin: There you go, sport.
Jillian: Thank you! [Brian hangs up the phone]
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Peter Griffin: You know that Chuck Norris is so tough, that there is no chin behind is beard, it's only another fist.
Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous. [he finds Chuck Norris behind him. then a fist come out of his beard and punches out Brian]
05x15 - Boys Do Cry Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry

Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right.
05x14 - No Meals On Wheels Season 5 / Episode 14: - No Meals On Wheels

Brian Griffin: Ow! Damn it, Peter! Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate!


Woman: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.
Roommate: Yes!
Brian Griffin: What the hell?
Brian Griffin, Roommate: What?


Brian Griffin: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.
05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Brian Griffin: [Brian and Stewie are looking at the toilet cautiously] How do you think it works?
Stewie Griffin: I have no idea.
Brian Griffin: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie Griffin: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
Brian Griffin: What's that big back part?
Stewie Griffin: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian Griffin: I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie Griffin: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
Brian Griffin: [sighs] All right, here goes.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.

05x13 - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Lois Griffin: Brian, what's this on my shoe?
Brian Griffin: My poop.
05x11 - The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou Season 5 / Episode 11: - The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Stewie: My tanning days are over, Brian. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage.
Brian Griffin: I'm not so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before.
Stewie: What the devil! What is that?
Brian Griffin: I don't know, you were burned pretty badly, it could be the "C" word.
Stewie: What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Brian Griffin: I mean cancer.
Stewie: Oh, I thought you meant... its not important. Oh, no, cancer!
05x11 - The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou Season 5 / Episode 11: - The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Stewie: [ whispering] I love you.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie: I said olive juice?
Brian Griffin: Olive juice?
Stewie: [ whispering] I olive juice you too.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.


Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Brian Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Crack.
Brian Griffin: What the... [beeping noise cuts off his last word]
Peter Griffin: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Peter Griffin: From Black's
Brian Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it
05x10 - Peter's Two Dads Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads

Brian Griffin: Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you.
Peter Griffin: [about Mickey] There's got to be some way I can make him see that I am worthy of being his son. But the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat, stinking drunk.
Francis Griffin: Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk!
Peter Griffin: [looks up] What?
Francis Griffin: [standing as a ghost from Star Wars along with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi] You're a fat, stinking drunk!
Obiwan Kenobi: Yes, from what he's told us, that's right on the money.
Yoda: Challenge him you must.
Anikin Skywalker: [walks over as a ghost] And I'm Hayden Christensen.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: [after carjacking someone in Aspen, Colorado] Did we just car-jack someone?
Stewie Griffin: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: [Brian singing] Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name.
Stewie Griffin: Who sings that song?
Brian Griffin: James Taylor.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah let's keep it that way.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Stewie Griffin: What are we doing at the toy store?
Brian Griffin: I'm going to buy you another Rupert. [takes a stuffed gorilla off the shelf] This is cute and if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. [looks closer at the tag] And if we don't, they kill one. Boy, these guys are really playing hardball.
05x09 - Road to Rupert Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert

Brian Griffin: You are getting a little old for a teddy bear.
Stewie Griffin: Brian I'm one.
Brian Griffin: Still?
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Brian Griffin: [drunk, to Connie] Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12, but now, you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky skin, burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ball park?
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Stewie Griffin: ooh, you've got some pie. Can I have a piece?
Brian Griffin: Uh, ok
Stewie Griffin: Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you put Cool wHip on pie.
Brian Griffin: It's Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: That's what I said, Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Say whip
Stewie Griffin: Whip
Brian Griffin: Now say Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: You're eating HAIR!
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.


Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why?
Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.

05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Meg Griffin: Hi, honey. [to Brian]
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.
Brian Griffin: Yeahhh
Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"
Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
Chris Griffin: Masturbate?
Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Meg Griffin: Just relax, Brian. We're going to be here for a wHile. [uses the H in "while"]
Brian Griffin: Wait, what did you say?
Meg Griffin: I said, "We're going to be here for a wHile."
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: Brian, you're acting whierd.
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! That one doesn't even have an H in it!
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Meg Griffin: Hey Brian!
Brian Griffin: Hey Meg! Listen, I hope you feel alright about our talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all.
Meg Griffin: Oh, yeah, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. And hey, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me, so I baked you a pie.
Brian Griffin: Oh wow. Hey that looks delicious. Mmm, oh, this is good. What's in there?
Meg Griffin: Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon... and my hair.
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: My hair's in the pie Brian. And now, it's inside of you. Part of me, is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do feel me inside of you?
05x08 - Barely Legal Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal

Brian Griffin: [after kissing Meg, Brian throws up] Don't worry, that was the booze, not you.


Brian Griffin: Are you gonna eat that?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: [wearing Brian's hair on his chest and diaper] Hey, baby!
Jillian: Hi, Stewie!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: Eeh, not much really. Just me and my pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian Griffin: Oh, dear God.
Stewie Griffin: Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie Griffin: [stretches, revealing Brian's hair in his armpits] I just feel like kickin' it tonight. [fuzzy dice fall out of his diaper] Oh! Look at that, I'm growing all the time.
Brian Griffin: Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie Griffin: You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? "drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"
Brian Griffin: Give me my hair back [takes hair off Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! What the hell, man?
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Brian Griffin: There we go. You are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed head, yeah. Hey, look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Stewie Griffin: I mean, what kind of man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian Griffin: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was my father talking.
Stewie Griffin: You, uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Brian Griffin: So what happened?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know wha, why don't guys just do that?
Brian Griffin: They do. It's called being gay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that.
05x07 - Chick Cancer Season 5 / Episode 7: - Chick Cancer

Brian Griffin: Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah?
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: I know.
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: [annoyed tone] I know.
Brian Griffin: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man.
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: Screw you. Cut it out, man!
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: [cries] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. [cries]
05x06 - Prick Up Your Ears Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears

Jillian: [vomits]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Brian, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Oh, that was just Jillian. She's got this eating disorder, she's bulimic.
Stewie Griffin: Woah, really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, her hair's falling out, and yesterday she just lost a tooth.
Stewie Griffin: Really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but that purging just makes her look fabulous.
Brian Griffin: I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and let me tell you, some of them just look so good.
Jillian: [vomits again, but this time more violently]
Brian Griffin: Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance.

Previous: Stewie Griffin Next: Chris Griffin
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