Jan. 31, 1999
Returning Series
30 min.
FOX TV Network

Top Contributors

Characters: #4 of 27 (Full List)

Previous Next

Brian Griffin Family Guy

Brian Griffin

Add to My Characters
  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

« Back to Character Profile

Brian Griffin Quotes

15x15 - Cop and a Half-wit Season 15 / Episode 15: - Cop and a Half-wit

Chris Griffin: Is that a Michael Sam jersey?
Stewie Griffin: Yep, two boy names. Doubly masculine.
Brian Griffin: Like George Michael?
Stewie Griffin: Shut up!
Brian Griffin: Come on, Stewie. Are you still hung up about that woman at the grocery store, thinking you were a girl?
Chris Griffin: Elton John... is another.
Stewie Griffin: It has nothing to do with that, Brian. I just thought it'd be good to take up a sport. You know, like boys do.
Brian Griffin: You don't have to play football to prove you're a boy.
Chris Griffin: Barney Frank... is yet another one.
Brian Griffin: Chris, please. Actually, you know what? Ricky Martin. There's a bunch of these.
15x15 - Cop and a Half-wit Season 15 / Episode 15: - Cop and a Half-wit

Stewie Griffin: [after suffering a concussion] Is anybody gonna answer that telephone?
Chris Griffin: He keeps thinking the phone is ringing, Brian.
Brian Griffin: Well, at least he's talking again. I think that means he's getting better.
Stewie Griffin: Is it day or night? I don't... I don't care. I just wanna know. LOIS, ANSWER THE BLOODY PHONE!
Brian Griffin: No, no, no! We don't need Lois. [chuckles] Chris, pretend to answer the phone.
Chris Griffin: Uh... uh, hello? Okay, yes, one second. MOM, IT'S FOR YOU!
Brian Griffin: What? No, damn it, Chris! Um, um... I'll take that. Hello, this is Brian Griffin. Actually, I already received The New York Times and I always enjoy finishing the crossword puzzle.
Chris Griffin: You're bragging to nobody?
15x08 - Carter and Tricia Season 15 / Episode 8: - Carter and Tricia

Lois Griffin: Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery?
Brian Griffin: Well, there's children in the room. Watch your swearing.
15x06 - Hot Shots Season 15 / Episode 6: - Hot Shots

Brian Griffin: I can't believe you guys. Don't you realize you're contributing to a potential public health disaster by not vaccinating your child?
Lois Griffin: That's exactly the point. My child. He's my child and nothing matters more than his well-being.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. This is gonna be a Lois story, isn't it? [to the camera] "Game of Thrones" is on. Just a reminder.
15x05 - Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date Season 15 / Episode 5: - Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date

Chris Griffin: Taylor, this is our sister, Meg and our dog, Brian.
Taylor Swift: Nice to meet you both.
Meg Griffin: We're not all so impressed. I've met Dan Aykroyd.
Brian Griffin: I'm sorry, uh, which cast member of "Hee Haw" are you?
Stewie Griffin: [runs up to Meg and Brian and starts beating them with the tape measure] WILL YOU BE NICE?
15x03 - American Gigg-olo Season 15 / Episode 3: - American Gigg-olo

Brian Griffin: [to Lois as he walks into the kitchen] Wow, what a day!
Stewie Griffin: Please don't comment.
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at you. Did you get a job?
Stewie Griffin: Bitch.
14x18 - The New Adventures of Old Tom Season 14 / Episode 18: - The New Adventures of Old Tom

Chris Griffin: You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Brian Griffin: Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Chris Griffin: *Yeah*? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap *soon*, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
Chris Griffin: SHUT UP, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, he found a burn he likes.
14x16 - The Heartbreak Dog Season 14 / Episode 16: - The Heartbreak Dog

Brian Griffin: [to Bonnie] Hey, you know what would be great? If you could talk with even a little bit of inflection in your voice so it doesn't sound so much like a fucking power sander?
14x16 - The Heartbreak Dog Season 14 / Episode 16: - The Heartbreak Dog

Stewie Griffin: [on Skype] Hey Brian, can you bring me up a snack? I'm supposed to be in bed.
Brian Griffin: Look, the other night was great. But it was a mistake.
Bonnie Swanson: You're right.
Stewie Griffin: Oh man, WHAAAAAAAT? [Brian shuts down the laptop]
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Brian Griffin: Stewie, you look exhausted.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, 'cause I was up superlate last night beefing your mom.
Brian Griffin: My mom's dead.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, 'cause I *beefed* her to death!
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Brian Griffin: Okay, that's it. I'm gonna help you get these nightmares under control.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Oh thank you, Brian. And maybe I can help you control your strange obsession with eating pencil erasers.
Brian Griffin: It's not an obsession! [chews off a pencil eraser] Mmm, mmm, oh yeah... So rubbery. It's like a little steak!
Stewie Griffin: Brian, you really should...
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie wants Brian to enter his dreams to help him get rid of his nightmares] Brian, I want you to come inside me.
Brian Griffin: Don't ever say it like that again.
14x14 - Underage Peter Season 14 / Episode 14: - Underage Peter

Peter Griffin: [whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!
Brian Griffin: [happily wagging his tail] Hey, what's up? We going for a ride in the car?
Peter Griffin: No, I had a question for ya.
Brian Griffin: Don't EVER fucking do that unless you have a car ride to offer...!
14x14 - Underage Peter Season 14 / Episode 14: - Underage Peter

Brian Griffin: I'm 56 in dog years.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that why you got white pubic hair?
Brian Griffin: I'll thank you not to check out my pubic hair.
Peter Griffin: Well, then don't go flashing it around. Put on some underpants, you crazy old man.
14x13 - An App A Day Season 14 / Episode 13: - An App A Day

Tennis Judge: OUT.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Tennis Judge: Your ball was long.
Stewie Griffin: Are you [bleep] me? That thing was in! You're gonna penalize us because you're a blind [bleep] blue jacket [bleep] !
Brian Griffin: Stewie, calm down!
Stewie Griffin: I will drop you to your knees and shove your racket so far down your throat you'll be [bleep] my grip for a week!
Tennis Judge: Warning, Mr. Griffin.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you are warning ME? I'm warning YOU! I'm gonna go to your house and [bleep] your wife!
14x11 - The Peanut Butter Kid Season 14 / Episode 11: - The Peanut Butter Kid

Lois Griffin: You know, Stewie actually got a call for another commercial tomorrow. Who knows? This could be the beginning of a nice career for him.
Brian Griffin: You sure about this, Lois? I mean, the world of child acting can be a pretty bad environment for a kid. Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child.
Peter Griffin: Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff?
Brian Griffin: Didn't your father hate your guts and die?
14x03 - Guy, Robot Season 14 / Episode 3: - Guy, Robot

Brian Griffin: [reading off Twitter] "I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long, until I realized it was a rerun of Sex And The City." Was it a rerun on basic cable? Because sometimes they edit those a lot and that could be why you're confused.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm. That's interesting, Brian. A girl named Ioah asked me the same question. You know what I did? I flew her out here and fucked her in the face!
13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Brian Griffin: [after Peter tries to get him to take the suppository] Peter, get away from my ass!
13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Brian Griffin: Hey, no, no.
Peter Griffin: No, no, Brian. No, no. You win. You win. I quit. It's your liver; you do whatever you want.
Brian Griffin: Yes, it *is* my liver, and I don't want to take that pill.
Peter Griffin: Fine. We're both in agreement. So let's just both watch TV. And nothing else
Brian Griffin: Sounds good to me.
Peter Griffin: I'm glad you think it sounds good. [sighs] It's nice to watch TV when you have nothing else to do, isn't it?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: [forcing Brian to take the suppository] Get over here, you idiot! [grabs Brian]
Brian Griffin: [struggles to get free] Peter! What the hell?
Peter Griffin: I'm still in charge of you!
Brian Griffin: Get away from me! I'm a human!
Peter Griffin: This is for *your* benefit, so just go limp and take it!
Brian Griffin: You touch my ass, I swear to God I'll kill ya ! [Peter inserts the suppository, Brian screams, growls then bites peter]
Peter Griffin: [screams] Wha... What the hell? [surveys Bloodied arm] You... you bit me!
Brian Griffin: You're damn right I did! And I'll do it again if you don't stay the hell away from my ass!
Peter Griffin: But, Brian, the vet said... [growls, Peter gasps and runs away ]
Peter Griffin: Wow, where did that come from? I feel more powerful than a lesbian's crotch.
Valet: [cut away to Lesbian biker outside a building] Ooh, sorry, ma'am, we don't valet motorcycles.
Lesbian Biker: Don't need to! [carries bike with crotch]
13x11 - Encyclopedia Griffin Season 13 / Episode 11: - Encyclopedia Griffin

Stewie Griffin: Ugh, I can't deal with anything after I've had my after-nap coffee.
Brian Griffin: I don't think guys should have two hands on a coffee mug ever.
Stewie Griffin: What? [sounds sexually suggestive] Mmmmm... Oh, yummy.
Brian Griffin: Don't do that either. Just... Just... don't do anything.
13x10 - Quagmire's Mom Season 13 / Episode 10: - Quagmire's Mom

Brian Griffin: Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, responsible for his own choices. Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems.
Stewie Griffin: Brian abandoned his own son, by the way.
Glenn Quagmire: [to Brian] Why are you of all people defending a religious nut? Aren't you an atheist?
Brian Griffin: [chuckling] Yeah, it's crazy. You can think about that while you're in jail.
13x09 - This Little Piggy Season 13 / Episode 9: - This Little Piggy

Brian Griffin: Stewie has AIDS.
13x08 - Our Idiot Brian Season 13 / Episode 8: - Our Idiot Brian

Brian Griffin: Hey, this isn't the Kenny Chesney concert!
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Peter Griffin: I like Train.
Brian Griffin: I fucking LOVE Train!
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Brian Griffin: Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died!
Peter Griffin: I swear to God I thought dogs could breathe underwater.
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Brian Griffin: Peter, do you not see that we are completely screwed here? And it's all thanks to you! You drove my car into a lake, you almost let me drown, you got us thrown off a bus, you broke our bike and now you've gotten our turkey stolen and Thanksgiving is ruined and we don't have any transportation and we're still miles from home!
Peter Griffin: You're starting to get black gums like an older dog.
Brian Griffin: You know what? You know what? Maybe it's my fault. I forgot, I'm talking to a complete idiot. You are so stupid!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm so stupid, then how did I manage to frame you for eating the turkey?
Brian Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Yeah! Didn't you notice you were passed out in all those photos? You didn't eat any of it. I just posed you like that because I didn't want to take all the blame.
Brian Griffin: You son of a bitch! How could you do that to me?
Peter Griffin: You're a dog, Brian. I can throw you off a bridge and as long as I don't hit a person on a boat, it's okay.
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Peter Griffin: Brian, maybe you should be a little less mad at me and a little more mad at the guys growing mustaches for this month.
Brian Griffin: Hey, don't mock Mo-vember. Last year, I raised eight dollars and got on a BuzzFeed listicle.
Peter Griffin: No! You use real words! Internet stuff is not real words.
13x02 - Book Of Joe Season 13 / Episode 2: - Book Of Joe

Brian Griffin: You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon in a couple weeks.
Lois Griffin: A marathon? Bu-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb?
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Brian Griffin: Ah, I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Stewie Griffin: Springfield, eh, wich state?
Brian Griffin: I can't imagine we are allowed to say.
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Lois Griffin: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian Griffin: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.

Previous: Stewie Griffin Next: Chris Griffin
You are successfully logged out.

ShareTV Login

Enter the text in the image shown if you are human.
WARNING: after 2 more failed attempts you will be locked out

Create Account

Verify Password

Verification code (check your email for the verification code)

Verification code has been sent to the following email address:
If you didn't receive the verification code:

1. Check your bulk/spam folder.

2. Try to whitelist our email address (noreply@sharetv.org)

3. Resend verification email

If you mistyped your email address change it here
Create a free ShareTV account to make a personalized schedule of your favorite TV shows, keep track of what you've watched, earn points and more.
Verify your username and email to complete your Registration
Enter the text in the image shown if you are human.
WARNING: after 2 more failed attempts you will be locked out

Forgot Your Password?

Enter the email address you used to create the account and your password will be emailed to you.