Jan. 31, 1999
Returning Series
30 min.
FOX TV Network

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Characters: #4 of 27 (Full List)

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Brian Griffin Family Guy

Brian Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Brian Griffin Quotes

14x18 - The New Adventures of Old Tom Season 14 / Episode 18: - The New Adventures of Old Tom

Chris Griffin: You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Brian Griffin: Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Chris Griffin: *Yeah*? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap *soon*, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
Chris Griffin: SHUT UP, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, he found a burn he likes.
14x16 - The Heartbreak Dog Season 14 / Episode 16: - The Heartbreak Dog

Brian Griffin: [to Bonnie] Hey, you know what would be great? If you could talk with even a little bit of inflection in your voice so it doesn't sound so much like a fucking power sander?
14x16 - The Heartbreak Dog Season 14 / Episode 16: - The Heartbreak Dog

Stewie Griffin: [on Skype] Hey Brian, can you bring me up a snack? I'm supposed to be in bed.
Brian Griffin: Look, the other night was great. But it was a mistake.
Bonnie Swanson: You're right.
Stewie Griffin: Oh man, WHAAAAAAAT? [Brian shuts down the laptop]
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Brian Griffin: Stewie, you look exhausted.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, 'cause I was up superlate last night beefing your mom.
Brian Griffin: My mom's dead.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, 'cause I *beefed* her to death!
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Brian Griffin: Okay, that's it. I'm gonna help you get these nightmares under control.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Oh thank you, Brian. And maybe I can help you control your strange obsession with eating pencil erasers.
Brian Griffin: It's not an obsession! [chews off a pencil eraser] Mmm, mmm, oh yeah... So rubbery. It's like a little steak!
Stewie Griffin: Brian, you really should...
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie wants Brian to enter his dreams to help him get rid of his nightmares] Brian, I want you to come inside me.
Brian Griffin: Don't ever say it like that again.
14x14 - Underage Peter Season 14 / Episode 14: - Underage Peter

Peter Griffin: [whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!
Brian Griffin: [happily wagging his tail] Hey, what's up? We going for a ride in the car?
Peter Griffin: No, I had a question for ya.
Brian Griffin: Don't EVER fucking do that unless you have a car ride to offer...!
14x13 - An App A Day Season 14 / Episode 13: - An App A Day

Tennis Judge: OUT.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Tennis Judge: Your ball was long.
Stewie Griffin: Are you [bleep] me? That thing was in! You're gonna penalize us because you're a blind [bleep] blue jacket [bleep] !
Brian Griffin: Stewie, calm down!
Stewie Griffin: I will drop you to your knees and shove your racket so far down your throat you'll be [bleep] my grip for a week!
Tennis Judge: Warning, Mr. Griffin.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you are warning ME? I'm warning YOU! I'm gonna go to your house and [bleep] your wife!
14x11 - The Peanut Butter Kid Season 14 / Episode 11: - The Peanut Butter Kid

Lois Griffin: You know, Stewie actually got a call for another commercial tomorrow. Who knows? This could be the beginning of a nice career for him.
Brian Griffin: You sure about this, Lois? I mean, the world of child acting can be a pretty bad environment for a kid. Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child.
Peter Griffin: Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff?
Brian Griffin: Didn't your father hate your guts and die?
14x03 - Guy, Robot Season 14 / Episode 3: - Guy, Robot

Brian Griffin: [reading off Twitter] "I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long, until I realized it was a rerun of Sex And The City." Was it a rerun on basic cable? Because sometimes they edit those a lot and that could be why you're confused.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm. That's interesting, Brian. A girl named Ioah asked me the same question. You know what I did? I flew her out here and fucked her in the face!
13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Brian Griffin: [after Peter tries to get him to take the suppository] Peter, get away from my ass!
13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Brian Griffin: Hey, no, no.
Peter Griffin: No, no, Brian. No, no. You win. You win. I quit. It's your liver; you do whatever you want.
Brian Griffin: Yes, it *is* my liver, and I don't want to take that pill.
Peter Griffin: Fine. We're both in agreement. So let's just both watch TV. And nothing else
Brian Griffin: Sounds good to me.
Peter Griffin: I'm glad you think it sounds good. [sighs] It's nice to watch TV when you have nothing else to do, isn't it?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: [forcing Brian to take the suppository] Get over here, you idiot! [grabs Brian]
Brian Griffin: [struggles to get free] Peter! What the hell?
Peter Griffin: I'm still in charge of you!
Brian Griffin: Get away from me! I'm a human!
Peter Griffin: This is for *your* benefit, so just go limp and take it!
Brian Griffin: You touch my ass, I swear to God I'll kill ya ! [Peter inserts the suppository, Brian screams, growls then bites peter]
Peter Griffin: [screams] Wha... What the hell? [surveys Bloodied arm] You... you bit me!
Brian Griffin: You're damn right I did! And I'll do it again if you don't stay the hell away from my ass!
Peter Griffin: But, Brian, the vet said... [growls, Peter gasps and runs away ]
Peter Griffin: Wow, where did that come from? I feel more powerful than a lesbian's crotch.
Valet: [cut away to Lesbian biker outside a building] Ooh, sorry, ma'am, we don't valet motorcycles.
Lesbian Biker: Don't need to! [carries bike with crotch]
13x11 - Encyclopedia Griffin Season 13 / Episode 11: - Encyclopedia Griffin

Stewie Griffin: Ugh, I can't deal with anything after I've had my after-nap coffee.
Brian Griffin: I don't think guys should have two hands on a coffee mug ever.
Stewie Griffin: What? [sounds sexually suggestive] Mmmmm... Oh, yummy.
Brian Griffin: Don't do that either. Just... Just... don't do anything.
13x09 - This Little Piggy Season 13 / Episode 9: - This Little Piggy

Brian Griffin: Stewie has AIDS.
13x08 - Our Idiot Brian Season 13 / Episode 8: - Our Idiot Brian

Brian Griffin: Hey, this isn't the Kenny Chesney concert!
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Peter Griffin: I like Train.
Brian Griffin: I fucking LOVE Train!
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Brian Griffin: Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died!
Peter Griffin: I swear to God I thought dogs could breathe underwater.
13x02 - Book Of Joe Season 13 / Episode 2: - Book Of Joe

Brian Griffin: You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon in a couple weeks.
Lois Griffin: A marathon? Bu-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb?
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Brian Griffin: Ah, I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Stewie Griffin: Springfield, eh, wich state?
Brian Griffin: I can't imagine we are allowed to say.
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Lois Griffin: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian Griffin: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Brian Griffin: Peter, you should see this. Your dishwasher cartoon has really outraged the online community.
Peter Griffin: What? Gosh, it's not like the internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Brian Griffin: Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
Stewie Griffin: I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV. [his face turns red as he starts crying] I want to watch my show!
12x20 - He's Bla-ack! Season 12 / Episode 20: - He's Bla-ack!

Lois Griffin: Peter, this is serious! A woman hit our child! What is wrong with her?
Brian Griffin: Whoa, can I get some white bread on that judgmental sandwich?
Lois Griffin: Brian, why are you bringing race into this?
Brian Griffin: Lois, I've spent my life trying to keep race out of things. That's why whenever I walk into Lids, every guy fist-bumps me.
Lois Griffin: Oh, you're full of crap, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm just saying, Lois, some of us go through life without seeing color.
Lois Griffin: That's because you're color blind, Brian.
12x06 - Life of Brian Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry]
12x03 - Quagmire's Quagmire Season 12 / Episode 3: - Quagmire's Quagmire

Stewie Griffin: What are you doing?
Brian Griffin: Ah, yes, I've been using Rupert as a chew toy.
Stewie Griffin: Chewing him with your crotch?
Brian Griffin: Dogs hump stuffed animals, what's the big deal? You said I could have Rupert, now.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I've changed my mind. And by the way, Rupert's a Dude you big Gaylord!
11x09 - Space Cadet Season 11 / Episode 9: - Space Cadet

Brian Griffin: [pointing to a monitor on the shuttle console] Look! It says 'autopilot engaged'!
Peter Griffin: I'm so glad he found someone.
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags [throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims [emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Brian Griffin: A while ago we did a program called "viewer mail" where we asked for your ideas. It's been ten years and you're still sending them in...
10x06 - Thanksgiving Season 10 / Episode 6: - Thanksgiving

Brian Griffin: Look, I-I think you guys are rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. He saw horrific things in a horrific war that only one other person here can possibly come close to understanding. Ida. She was in the military, she's seen battle, she's seen innocent people butchered by war machines and I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, can understand and support the choice Kevin made.
Ida Davis: No, Brian. I do not understand Kevin's choice and I do not support it.
Brian Griffin: Okay, well, that's just some dumb drag queen.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Brian Griffin: That's odd, that's our house but something looks a little different.
1999 Meg Griffin: [from inside the house] Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?
Pilot Lois: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.
Brian Griffin: That's nothing, look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival.

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