Jan. 31, 1999
Returning Series
30 min.
FOX TV Network

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Brian Griffin Family Guy

Brian Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Brian Griffin Quotes

14x18 - The New Adventures of Old Tom Season 14 / Episode 18: - The New Adventures of Old Tom

Chris Griffin: You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Brian Griffin: Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Chris Griffin: *Yeah*? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap *soon*, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
Chris Griffin: SHUT UP, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, he found a burn he likes.
14x16 - The Heartbreak Dog Season 14 / Episode 16: - The Heartbreak Dog

Brian Griffin: [to Bonnie] Hey, you know what would be great? If you could talk with even a little bit of inflection in your voice so it doesn't sound so much like a fucking power sander?
14x16 - The Heartbreak Dog Season 14 / Episode 16: - The Heartbreak Dog

Stewie Griffin: [on Skype] Hey Brian, can you bring me up a snack? I'm supposed to be in bed.
Brian Griffin: Look, the other night was great. But it was a mistake.
Bonnie Swanson: You're right.
Stewie Griffin: Oh man, WHAAAAAAAT? [Brian shuts down the laptop]
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Brian Griffin: Stewie, you look exhausted.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, 'cause I was up superlate last night beefing your mom.
Brian Griffin: My mom's dead.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, 'cause I *beefed* her to death!
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Brian Griffin: Okay, that's it. I'm gonna help you get these nightmares under control.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Oh thank you, Brian. And maybe I can help you control your strange obsession with eating pencil erasers.
Brian Griffin: It's not an obsession! [chews off a pencil eraser] Mmm, mmm, oh yeah... So rubbery. It's like a little steak!
Stewie Griffin: Brian, you really should...
14x15 - A Lot Going On Upstairs Season 14 / Episode 15: - A Lot Going On Upstairs

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie wants Brian to enter his dreams to help him get rid of his nightmares] Brian, I want you to come inside me.
Brian Griffin: Don't ever say it like that again.
14x14 - Underage Peter Season 14 / Episode 14: - Underage Peter

Peter Griffin: [whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!
Brian Griffin: [happily wagging his tail] Hey, what's up? We going for a ride in the car?
Peter Griffin: No, I had a question for ya.
Brian Griffin: Don't EVER fucking do that unless you have a car ride to offer...!
14x13 - An App A Day Season 14 / Episode 13: - An App A Day

Tennis Judge: OUT.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Tennis Judge: Your ball was long.
Stewie Griffin: Are you [bleep] me? That thing was in! You're gonna penalize us because you're a blind [bleep] blue jacket [bleep] !
Brian Griffin: Stewie, calm down!
Stewie Griffin: I will drop you to your knees and shove your racket so far down your throat you'll be [bleep] my grip for a week!
Tennis Judge: Warning, Mr. Griffin.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you are warning ME? I'm warning YOU! I'm gonna go to your house and [bleep] your wife!
14x03 - Guy, Robot Season 14 / Episode 3: - Guy, Robot

Brian Griffin: [reading off Twitter] "I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long, until I realized it was a rerun of Sex And The City." Was it a rerun on basic cable? Because sometimes they edit those a lot and that could be why you're confused.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm. That's interesting, Brian. A girl named Ioah asked me the same question. You know what I did? I flew her out here and fucked her in the face!
13x15 - Once Bitten Season 13 / Episode 15: - Once Bitten

Brian Griffin: [after Peter tries to get him to take the suppository] Peter, get away from my ass!
13x11 - Encyclopedia Griffin Season 13 / Episode 11: - Encyclopedia Griffin

Stewie Griffin: Ugh, I can't deal with anything after I've had my after-nap coffee.
Brian Griffin: I don't think guys should have two hands on a coffee mug ever.
Stewie Griffin: What? [sounds sexually suggestive] Mmmmm... Oh, yummy.
Brian Griffin: Don't do that either. Just... Just... don't do anything.
13x09 - This Little Piggy Season 13 / Episode 9: - This Little Piggy

Brian Griffin: Stewie has AIDS.
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Peter Griffin: I like Train.
Brian Griffin: I fucking LOVE Train!
13x05 - Turkey Guys Season 13 / Episode 5: - Turkey Guys

Brian Griffin: Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died!
Peter Griffin: I swear to God I thought dogs could breathe underwater.
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Brian Griffin: Ah, I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Stewie Griffin: Springfield, eh, wich state?
Brian Griffin: I can't imagine we are allowed to say.
13x01 - The Simpsons Guy Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Simpsons Guy

Lois Griffin: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian Griffin: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.
12x21 - Chap Stewie Season 12 / Episode 21: - Chap Stewie

Brian Griffin: Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
Stewie Griffin: I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV. [his face turns red as he starts crying] I want to watch my show!
12x06 - Life of Brian Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry]
12x03 - Quagmire's Quagmire Season 12 / Episode 3: - Quagmire's Quagmire

Stewie Griffin: What are you doing?
Brian Griffin: Ah, yes, I've been using Rupert as a chew toy.
Stewie Griffin: Chewing him with your crotch?
Brian Griffin: Dogs hump stuffed animals, what's the big deal? You said I could have Rupert, now.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I've changed my mind. And by the way, Rupert's a Dude you big Gaylord!
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags [throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims [emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?
10x22 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 Season 10 / Episode 22: - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2

Brian Griffin: A while ago we did a program called "viewer mail" where we asked for your ideas. It's been ten years and you're still sending them in...
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Brian Griffin: That's odd, that's our house but something looks a little different.
1999 Meg Griffin: [from inside the house] Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?
Pilot Lois: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.
Brian Griffin: That's nothing, look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he had ever seen.
Stewie Griffin: [in the pilot] But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!
Brian Griffin: Jeez, what'd you carry a thesaurus around with you?
Stewie Griffin: Y'know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Brian Griffin: [in the pilot] Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Stewie Griffin: Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose.
Peter Griffin: [in the pilot] Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
Stewie Griffin: Ah, ew, gross look at that!

Brian Griffin: Wait, what are they doing?
Stewie Griffin: I dunno, they're just... standing there like zombies.
Brian Griffin: Do you think they're all right?
Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm not sure.
Lois Griffin: [from the pilot] And then there was that time at the ice cream store. [the Griffins stand silently for a few more seconds]
Brian Griffin: They're doing it again, what the hell?
Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm at a loss.
Brian Griffin: I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we... call an ambulance? [pause]
Stewie Griffin: That is so creepy.
Brian Griffin: [from the pilot, emerging from behind the table] And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"? [they stand around again]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they're-they're doi-they're setting up goddamn cutaways.
Brian Griffin: Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot.

Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman.

Lois Griffin: You sure you got time to smoke?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while.
10x04 - Stewie Goes for a Drive Season 10 / Episode 4: - Stewie Goes for a Drive

Brian Griffin: Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you. Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on ''The Price is Right''.
10x02 - Seahorse Seashell Party Season 10 / Episode 2: - Seahorse Seashell Party

Brian Griffin: Hey. What's goin' on? You know, that was, uh, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.
Meg Griffin: [sighs] I don't know, Brian. I mean, I, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened.
Brian Griffin: What do you mean?
Meg Griffin: They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.
Brian Griffin: Well, so what? That's not your problem.
Meg Griffin: Do you think it's possible that that this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?
Brian Griffin: Well, that's a that's a theory, I guess.
Meg Griffin: I mean it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to.
Brian Griffin: Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.
Meg Griffin: You mean that, Brian?
Brian Griffin: Absolutely.
09x14 - Tiegs for Two Season 9 / Episode 14: - Tiegs for Two

Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian... Aw, sweet! Morning drinking! Whoo, yeah! Party!
Brian Griffin: Peter, I'm not getting drunk for fun. I'm, I'm drinking because I'm sad. Because I'm never going to meet the right woman. Because I'm... going to die old and alone.
Peter Griffin: Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking.
09x10 - Friends of Peter G Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G

Brian Griffin: This sucks! I can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.
Lois Griffin: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn.
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stewie Griffin: Pshaw! Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.
09x10 - Friends of Peter G Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G

Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting?
Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was.
Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'"
09x10 - Friends of Peter G Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G

Brian Griffin: Ah, good. It's starting.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that's what YOU say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. [20th Century Fox logo plays] Alright. Let's see what you got, Fox. [map pops out from under the water on the screen]
Peter Griffin: Oh, I bet that's a sea monster. [revealed to be logo for Underwater Map Productions]
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I've heard of them. [Once Upon a Time... shows up on screen]
Peter Griffin: Here we go. Movie! ["STUDIOS" shows up from under the caption]
Peter Griffin: Well, now that seems intentionally misleading. [airplane comes up on screen] Alright, someone's coming to town! [revealed to be logo for Arriving Flight Productions]
Peter Griffin: Oh, for crying out loud! [image of India shown with the caption "India, 1853"]
Peter Griffin: Alright, a period movie. [zooms out to show that it's the logo for Country-and-Date Productions]
Peter Griffin: Oh, not a period movie. [guy on screen runs into a house in a thunderstorm]
Peter Griffin: Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. [flashes and tints into black and white on-screen to show that it's the logo for Panting Man's Wounded Shoulder Films]
Peter Griffin: Oh, COME ON!

Previous: Stewie Griffin Next: Chris Griffin
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