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Type
Scripted
Premiered
Jan. 31, 1999
Status
Returning Series
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
FOX TV Network
Genre

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Characters: #4 of 27 (Full List)

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Brian Griffin Family Guy

Brian Griffin

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  Played by:
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his father ...

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Brian Griffin Quotes

12x06 - Life of Brian Season 12 / Episode 6: - Life of Brian

Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all. [dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead. [the family hold each others hands and cry]
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Brian Griffin: That's odd, that's our house but something looks a little different.
Pilot Meg: [from inside the house] Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?
Pilot Lois: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.
Brian Griffin: That's nothing, look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he had ever seen.
Stewie Griffin: [in the pilot] But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!
Brian Griffin: Jeez, what'd you carry a thesaurus around with you?
Stewie Griffin: Y'know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.
10x05 - Road to the Pilot Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot

Brian Griffin: [in the pilot] Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Stewie Griffin: Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose.
Peter Griffin: [in the pilot] Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
Stewie Griffin: Ah, ew, gross look at that!


Brian Griffin: Wait, what are they doing?
Stewie Griffin: I dunno, they're just... standing there like zombies.
Brian Griffin: Do you think they're all right?
Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm not sure.
Lois Griffin: [from the pilot] And then there was that time at the ice cream store. [the Griffins stand silently for a few more seconds]
Brian Griffin: They're doing it again, what the hell?
Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm at a loss.
Brian Griffin: I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we... call an ambulance? [pause]
Stewie Griffin: That is so creepy.
Brian Griffin: [from the pilot, emerging from behind the table] And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"? [they stand around again]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they're-they're doi-they're setting up goddamn cutaways.
Brian Griffin: Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot.


Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman.


Lois Griffin: You sure you got time to smoke?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while.
10x04 - Stewie Goes for a Drive Season 10 / Episode 4: - Stewie Goes for a Drive

Brian Griffin: Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you. Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on ''The Price is Right''.
09x10 - Friends of Peter G Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G

Brian Griffin: This sucks! I can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.
Lois Griffin: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn.
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stewie Griffin: Pshaw! Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.
09x10 - Friends of Peter G Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G

Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting?
Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was.
Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'"
09x04 - Halloween on Spooner Street Season 9 / Episode 4: - Halloween on Spooner Street

Chris Griffin: Uh, Brian, why are you pink?
Brian Griffin: [sniffing] Why do you two smell like sweat and shame?
09x04 - Halloween on Spooner Street Season 9 / Episode 4: - Halloween on Spooner Street

Stewie Griffin: I was bit by a vampire, so I'm a vampire duck. But I'm a modern vampire duck who drives around with Anna Paquin in a black Mercedes.
Brian Griffin: What is that?
Stewie Griffin: It's True Blood.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, no one knows what that is.
Stewie Griffin: Rich gay people do.
09x04 - Halloween on Spooner Street Season 9 / Episode 4: - Halloween on Spooner Street

Stewie Griffin: Brian, you took me out on my first Halloween tonight, and you showed me an exciting time. And for that, I'm going to let you pick out some candy from my bag.
Brian Griffin: Oh, thanks.
Stewie Griffin: And keep in mind we can't use any brand names, due to advertising concerns.
Brian Griffin: Right, okay, I'll have a Mr. Wiffle bar, a Kooky Nut Pop, some Gyminyms, uh a Zip-Zap, a Choco-Buddy, uh, a $64000 Bar, a Not-A-Finger, and a Dawkins Peanut Butter Disk.
Stewie Griffin: God, I hate television.
09x02 - Excellence in Broadcasting Season 9 / Episode 2: - Excellence in Broadcasting

Brian Griffin: My God. Rush Limbaugh was right. Conservative republicanism is the answer.


Stan Smith: Good. Good for Brian.
08x21 - Partial Terms of Endearment Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment

Brian Griffin: What if it's rape?
Peter Griffin: Well she shouldn't have asked me for directions.
Brian Griffin: What?
08x21 - Partial Terms of Endearment Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment

Peter Griffin: I can't believe she went ahead and did it, after I specifically told her how I felt.
Brian Griffin: Well clearly she believed it was within her right to... [begins sniffing the air] Lois just peed on something.


Glen Quagmire: Hey Brian, you picking up on that?
Brian Griffin: Yep.
08x19 - The Splendid Source Season 8 / Episode 19: - The Splendid Source

Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.
08x17 - Brian & Stewie Season 8 / Episode 17: - Brian & Stewie

Stewie Griffin: You cried after Columbine.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, it was a national tragedy.
Stewie Griffin: Ehh, it was more of a regional tragedy.
08x17 - Brian & Stewie Season 8 / Episode 17: - Brian & Stewie

Stewie Griffin: I like you lot. I guess you could say I... really like you. I would... even dare to go a little further, perhaps. I... care a great deal about you. Very great deal. Maybe even... deeper than that. I... I... I love you. I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grownups do when they're in love, but I mean, I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
Brian Griffin: Well I... I love you, too, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: You give my life purpose, and maybe, maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.
08x16 - April In Quahog Season 8 / Episode 16: - April In Quahog

Brian Griffin: Stewie, can you please move? You're blocking the TV.
Stewie Griffin: No! And I'll thank you to quiet down, I'm playing action figures. "Prepare to be bested on the battlefield, Lion-O". "Oh, I don't think so, He-Man... Ow!". "Oh, I'm sorry, did I punch you too hard?". "Yes, I suppose you don't know your own strength; I mean, look at your muscles!". "Oh, stop! You're the one with the sick abs". "God, my mouth is watering just looking at you". Yeah, that's right... you buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then asked what happened? Yup. Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that to your god...
08x10 - Big Man on Hippocampus Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus

Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.


Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!


Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!
08x08 - Dog Gone Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone

Brian Griffin: OK, so no leads then?
Consuela: Oh no, no. Doggie out!
Brian Griffin: What?
Consuela: Out. Afuera!
Brian Griffin: What? I live here.
Consuela: No no, afuera!
Brian Griffin: Look, I'm just trying to... owww!
Consuela: Hola?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, could you please put Brian back on?
Consuela: No, noooh. D-doggie afuera.
Stewie Griffin: You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh listen, I don't mean to point any fingers. But I'm missing about a thousand dollars in play money.
Consuela: I take.
Stewie Griffin: Wh-what? You took it?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie Griffin: Well, give it back!
Consuela: Come get, bitch!
08x07 - Jerome Is the New Black Season 8 / Episode 7: - Jerome Is the New Black

Glen Quagmire: You wanna maybe just go?
Brian Griffin: Quagmire, come on. I'm really trying hard here.
Glen Quagmire: Who asked you to try hard?
Brian Griffin: Nobody, but I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: ...Okay, I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing, you always say "Oh, I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of "Catcher in the Rye" and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much, he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.


Glen Quagmire: Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak!
08x03 - Spies Reminiscent of Us Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us

Brian Griffin: What are you guys doing in Quahog?
Dan Aykroyd: We are doing research for our next movie.
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Peter Griffin: Jesus, which religion should our family be?
Jesus: Six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?
Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: Thank you!
08x02 - Family Goy Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy

Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff.
Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm a new neighbor, and you're my pet human, Hotchkis, got it?
Stewie Griffin: [stammers] I'm not so crazy about "Hotchkis" anymore.
Brian Griffin: What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkis.
Stewie Griffin: Eh, I know, but how about Axel or Maximillian or Dex? You know, it's gotta have an "x" in it 'cause that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and...


Dog Peter: [scampering to the door] Omigodiknowthatsounditmeanstheresapotentialintruderatthefrontdoororoneofmyp alseitherwayimexcitedandreadyforanything! [opens the door] Hello!
Stewie Griffin: Heh.
Brian Griffin: Hello, my name is Blake Carrington.
Stewie Griffin: Aw.
Brian Griffin: And this is my human, Gabe.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, what?
08x01 - Road to the Multiverse Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse

Stewie Griffin: Uhh, Brian? This feels weird...
Brian Griffin: Hit the button!
07x14 - We Love You Conrad Season 7 / Episode 14: - We Love You Conrad

Lauren Conrad: This is not about me being smarter than you. This is about you still being in love with with Jillian.
Brian Griffin: How do you know?
Lauren Conrad: Because I'm smarter than you.
07x12 - 420 Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420

Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine!
Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?
07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Brian Griffin: [to Meg] If there was a God would He give you a smokin' hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter?

Previous: Stewie Griffin Next: Chris Griffin
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