Type
Scripted
Premiered
Aug. 13, 2007
Status
Completed/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
Showtime TV Network
Genre

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Californication tv show photo

Californication

David Duchovny heads up the cast in this comedy about a novelist with sex and drug addictions who is struggling to raise his daughter half the time, while having problems with his ex-girlfriend

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03x04 - Zoso Season 3 / Episode 4: - Zoso

Hank Moody: What are you guys doing? You playing footsie?
Charlie Runkle: She's playing footsie, not me.
Sue Collini: Oh, we're not dating, just fucking.
Hank Moody: Really?
Charlie Runkle: Just the once.
Sue Collini: Oh, bullshit. I gave you two blowjobs in one night, and you ate this pussy like your mama made it.
03x03 - Verities & Balderdash Season 3 / Episode 3: - Verities & Balderdash

Hank Moody: It's my purgatory, really. Dinner, drinks... Whatever.
Hank Moody: Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway... 'Cause it's true. All women are, in... one way or another.
Hank Moody: You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret... You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work.
Hank Moody: But then there's the morning after. A hangover, and realizations that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. Then she's gone, and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.
03x03 - Verities & Balderdash Season 3 / Episode 3: - Verities & Balderdash

Hank Moody: Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. 'cause it's true - all women are, in one way or another. You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work. But then there's the morning after. The hangover, and the realization that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she's gone. And I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.
03x02 - The Land of Rape and Honey Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Land of Rape and Honey

Sue Collini: What do you say the two of us knock off early, huh? Slip out this business casual, nude up in my jacooze, see what kind of sodomy laws we can break?
Charlie Runkle: Sounds like the height of decadence, Sue, but I should probably get through this slush pile, who knows, I might even find something good.
Sue Collini: Who know, you might find something better in my punani.
Charlie Runkle: Yeah, Warren Beatty's lost Rolex, maybe.
Sue Collini: [laughs] Oh, you are a dirty dog. I like your style, Runkle.
03x01 - Wish You Were Here Season 3 / Episode 1: - Wish You Were Here

Richard Bates: [Walks up to the doorway to the dining room stark naked] Who wants to see me tuck and do the pee-pee-dance?
Hank Moody: [raises hand] Come on, I can't be the only one?... Where are the girls?
Richard Bates: And then... Just like that [snaps fingers] he unveiled his beautiful man-pussy. His glorious mangina. [sings] Mmh Mmh-Meet my peach baby, Blow on my dice! I wanna swing that swing, don't you treat me nice.
Dean Stacy Koons: Richard let me...
Dean Stacy Koons: [Keeps on singing] I'm wild for you.
Dean Stacy Koons: Let me call you a cab.
Richard Bates: [Still singing] Sweet Baby I'm a child for you.
Dean Stacy Koons: Lets get you clothes.
Felicia Koons: You know what, why don't stay in the guest room?
Richard Bates: Stacy? Have you ever spent time with an eleven year old boy and wanted more from him than he was willing to give? Have you ever breathed in the scent of a woman's sweaty unwashed sex? And just [sniffs the air] Mhh and wanted to bottle and sell at market. You ever been so drunk on cock? You Howled at the moon and begged for a few inches more.
Hank Moody: Ladies? Dean Koons?
Richard Bates: All these question and more will be answered... in my new novel. First! I wanna go for a swim! Urgh! [Runs through the dining room and jumps out the window] Wooh!
Hank Moody: Love that guy. Big fan.
02x12 - La Petite Mort Season 2 / Episode 12: - La Petite Mort

Damien: I got you something.


Damien: I put a playlist on there, our playlist, the one we made out to. All 17 songs.
Hank Moody: What! Seventeen songs? That's a lot of making out.
02x12 - La Petite Mort Season 2 / Episode 12: - La Petite Mort

Sonja: Hi guys. Thanks for coming. By the way Hank, fuck you for putting this goddamn monster in my stomach.
Hank Moody: I'm not entirely sure it's mine. There will be some genetic tests.
Karen: Do not be an asshole!
Hank Moody: You're right. Let's get the little fucker out first, then we're gonna test.
02x11 - Blues from Laurel Canyon Season 2 / Episode 11: - Blues from Laurel Canyon

Charlie Runkle: Hank Moody. Ronny Praeger, the very gifted auteur behind Vaginatown.
Hank Moody: Oh, I'm honored, I'm a big fan. What is next for you? A Cockwork Orange or perhaps Twenty-sixty-nine: A Sit On My Face Odyssey?
02x11 - Blues from Laurel Canyon Season 2 / Episode 11: - Blues from Laurel Canyon

Hank Moody: [explaining life to Lew] There is no life without love. None worth having anyway.
02x10 - In Utero Season 2 / Episode 10: - In Utero

Daisy: If I can't actually be with you Charlie, I'd kinda like the last person I had on-screen sex with to be you.
Charlie Runkle: That's like one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. And yet totally gross for you.
02x10 - In Utero Season 2 / Episode 10: - In Utero

Dr. Riess: So what are you working on these days?
Hank Moody: What am I working on? I'm working on trying to figure out what that fucking lump in my junk is. That's what I'm working on.
02x10 - In Utero Season 2 / Episode 10: - In Utero

Hank Moody: There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, it wasn't on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen.
02x10 - In Utero Season 2 / Episode 10: - In Utero

Hank Moody: It's a big bad world full of twist and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything...
02x09 - La Ronde Season 2 / Episode 9: - La Ronde

Hank Moody: Ah! Look at this monstrosity.
Janie Jones: I like this one.
Hank Moody: You do?
Janie Jones: Yeah, that's how I feel.
Hank Moody: What's that? Alienated, nauseous, culturally dispossessed?
Janie Jones: No. Horny.
02x09 - La Ronde Season 2 / Episode 9: - La Ronde

Lew Ashby: Life is just too fucking boring not to try.
02x08 - Going Down and Out in Beverly Hills Season 2 / Episode 8: - Going Down and Out in Beverly Hills

Charlie Runkle: Wow, your jedi clam tricks really work.
Daisy: Yeah?
Charlie Runkle: Yeah. I'm really doing it. Staying in the game. My penis is still in your vagina.
Daisy: Way to go, champ!
Charlie Runkle: Holy Shit! I'm King of Fuck Mountain! I could go for days!
Daisy: Well, that's not totally necessary.
Charlie Runkle: It's no problem. You just enjoy yourself.
Daisy: I'm actually a little sore.
Charlie Runkle: That's cool. Coming is my favorite part.
Daisy: Well, you earned it. Ok, go, go!
02x07 - In a Lonely Place Season 2 / Episode 7: - In a Lonely Place

Mrs. Patterson: Just so you know, I'm on my period.
Hank Moody: Not sure I needed a verbal on that but I care very little about such things. I was in Nam.
Mrs. Patterson: God. My ex always cared. He thought it was dirty.
Hank Moody: Oh, it is dirty... in a good way.
Mrs. Patterson: Also, I haven't had much time to trim the hedges lately, if you know what I'm saying.
Hank Moody: I do know what you're saying, and again, no worries. I enjoy a generous thicket.
Mrs. Patterson: I gotta tell you, your feelings about periods and pubic hair have just made me a bigger fan.
Hank Moody: It's what I do. Anything else you care to disclose?
Mrs. Patterson: I'm very excited about fucking you right now.
Hank Moody: Oh, you are a chatty one, Mrs. Patterson.
02x06 - Coke Dick & the First Kick Season 2 / Episode 6: - Coke Dick & the First Kick

Charlie Runkle: Me? What about YOU? Why don't you whip out your Hitchcock and give it a cameo?
02x06 - Coke Dick & the First Kick Season 2 / Episode 6: - Coke Dick & the First Kick

Annika: Please stop this. I just need some water. I'm just really dehydrated. I just need something with electrolytes.
Hank Moody: Vagatorade.
Annika: Good one. That was nice.
02x05 - Vaginatown Season 2 / Episode 5: - Vaginatown

Chloe Metz: Fuck me like I'm Al-Qaeda!
Hank Moody: I'm declaring Jihad on your pussy.
02x04 - The Raw & the Cooked Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Raw & the Cooked

Hank Moody: I love you Karen, and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you, and I want the rest of my life to start right now. I'm sick and tired fighting about the past. We're not going anywhere, I get that now. This is my home, because home is where you and Becca are.
02x03 - No Way to Treat a Lady Season 2 / Episode 3: - No Way to Treat a Lady

Hank Moody: Whatever you do, don't be another brick in the wall.
02x03 - No Way to Treat a Lady Season 2 / Episode 3: - No Way to Treat a Lady

Trixie: Hank Moody, my hero. Just say the word if you want to be properly rewarded. My treat of course.
Lew Ashby: Seriously? You'd comb him?
Trixie: Sure, why not? I've sampled the merchandise I know it's fresh.
Hank Moody: I do remember you telling me that you never came that hard with a John before. Thought it was a line but as you walked away your knees were a little wobbly so I thought maybe, yeah maybe...
Lew Ashby: Hold on, slow down, are you saying he's fucking better than me?
Hank Moody: Fucking better at the fucking yes, I believe that's what's she's getting at.
Trixie: No, that is not what what I'm getting at. Please, what a stupid question. Are the Stones better than the Beatles?
Lew Ashby: Fucking A they are!
Hank Moody: I must agree with the man.
02x01 - Slip of the Tongue Season 2 / Episode 1: - Slip of the Tongue

Hank Moody: I like to think I have a 12-inch cock, but it doesn't make it so. Two inches shy.
02x01 - Slip of the Tongue Season 2 / Episode 1: - Slip of the Tongue

Hank Moody: Rectum? Damn near killed him.
02x01 - Slip of the Tongue Season 2 / Episode 1: - Slip of the Tongue

Becca: She called.
Karen: She who?
Becca: That real estate whore. She's bringing some people by.
Karen: Language, young lady.
Becca: Next time she tells me to clean my room, I'm gonna say, "Clean this, lady" and give her a titty twister.
Hank Moody: As much as I'd like to see that, the idea is to sell this place and get out of dodge. If you tidied up your shrine to Norwegian death metal, it might facilitate things a bit.
01x12 - The Last Waltz Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Last Waltz

Marcy Runkle: Hey, how you holding up, daddy?
Hank Moody: Hey, don't worry about me. Worry about that simpleton over there. Come on,,Marcy.You know you want that bald eagle back. You made him suffer long enough. He's banged the forbidden fruit and now he's realized that he'd rather be shucking your hairless clam.
Marcy Runkle: [Chuckles] Hey, be nice to my clam.
Hank Moody: [At Charlie] Hey you, dance with your fucking wife already. Be nice to her vagina.
01x11 - Turn the Page Season 1 / Episode 11: - Turn the Page

Becca Moody: I'm not going to live with my dad because it's fun. I'm going because I have to. I don't know if you've noticed, but your dad is about to marry my mom.
Mia Lewis: Yeah, so?
Becca Moody: So it's really happening. He can't pretend anymore that it's not. And whatever miraculous thing he thought was going to happen with the writing. You know that thing he wrote back home in New York was going to be the redemption of his soul. Obviously, that's not happening either.
Mia Lewis: No, I guess not.
Becca Moody: So it's official. Rock bottom. The death of hope. Can't leave him alone now. The man's got nothing.
01x11 - Turn the Page Season 1 / Episode 11: - Turn the Page

Hank Moody: You are a very young sociopath in training.
Mia Lewis: Oh, come on. That's like Satan calling one of his junior minions a big meanie.
01x11 - Turn the Page Season 1 / Episode 11: - Turn the Page

Hank Moody: Sorry I'm late. I just, uh...
Charlie Runkle: Just what?
Hank Moody: Nah, that's all I got.

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