Type
Scripted
Premiered
Aug. 13, 2007
Status
Completed/Ended
Runtime
30 min.
Country
USA
Network
Showtime TV Network
Genre

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Californication tv show photo

Californication

David Duchovny heads up the cast in this comedy about a novelist with sex and drug addictions who is struggling to raise his daughter half the time, while having problems with his ex-girlfriend

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03x08 - The Apartment Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Apartment

Dean Stacy Koons: [to Felicia] We're gonna be discussing this in therapy...
Hank Moody: That's an excellent idea! Therapize the fuck outta this shit!
Dean Stacy Koons: And you're coming with us, Hank.
Hank Moody: Uh, that's an awful idea.
03x08 - The Apartment Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Apartment

Felicia Koons: That was some very intense and powerful lovemaking. [Hank pulls back] What's wrong?
Hank Moody: Not a big fan of that term, lovemaking, making love. I prefer boning, stuffing, shtupping, banging, porking, boffing, anything. Take your pick. Just not lovemaking.
Felicia Koons: So much for the afterglow.
03x08 - The Apartment Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Apartment

Dean Stacy Koons: Are you in love with my wife, Hank?
Hank Moody: [pauses] That's a ridiculous question.
Dean Stacy Koons: Well, she seems to be in love with you. Do you feel the same?
Hank Moody: Feel the same...
Dean Stacy Koons: Do you love her? [long uncomfortable pause, then Becca and Chelsea enter the apartment]
Hank Moody: [immediately shifts attention to them] What... do we have here?
Becca Moody: What are you doing home?
Hank Moody: Uh, wha... school clothes? Is it a snow day?
Chelsea Koons: What are you guys doing here?
Dean Stacy Koons: I believe that question should be directed at you, young lady.
Hank Moody: Copy that, motherfucker!
03x08 - The Apartment Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Apartment

Hank Moody: [to Becca] There's no excuse for my behavior. There's no defense if somebody got hurt, especially you. But I need you to know that I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them all to see it - the thing that makes them special. I guess that's all anybody wants is to be seen, to be recognized. Then the lines get blurry and the fact that your mom and I are in such a weird place... Yeah... it's a big stinkin' mess. But I am sorry if I let you down, sweetie. I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to say "I'm sorry" before it doesn't mean anything anymore.
03x05 - Slow Happy Boys Season 3 / Episode 5: - Slow Happy Boys

Becca Moody: Merry fucking Christmas. Can we go home already?
Karen, Hank Moody: SHUT UP.
03x04 - Zoso Season 3 / Episode 4: - Zoso

Hank Moody: Oh shit, your not preggers are you?
03x04 - Zoso Season 3 / Episode 4: - Zoso

Hank Moody: What are you guys doing? You playing footsie?
Charlie Runkle: She's playing footsie, not me.
Sue Collini: Oh, we're not dating, just fucking.
Hank Moody: Really?
Charlie Runkle: Just the once.
Sue Collini: Oh, bullshit. I gave you two blowjobs in one night, and you ate this pussy like your mama made it.
03x03 - Verities & Balderdash Season 3 / Episode 3: - Verities & Balderdash

Hank Moody: It's my purgatory, really. Dinner, drinks... Whatever.
Hank Moody: Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway... 'Cause it's true. All women are, in... one way or another.
Hank Moody: You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret... You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work.
Hank Moody: But then there's the morning after. A hangover, and realizations that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. Then she's gone, and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.
03x03 - Verities & Balderdash Season 3 / Episode 3: - Verities & Balderdash

Hank Moody: Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. 'cause it's true - all women are, in one way or another. You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work. But then there's the morning after. The hangover, and the realization that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she's gone. And I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.
03x02 - The Land of Rape and Honey Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Land of Rape and Honey

Sue Collini: What do you say the two of us knock off early, huh? Slip out this business casual, nude up in my jacooze, see what kind of sodomy laws we can break?
Charlie Runkle: Sounds like the height of decadence, Sue, but I should probably get through this slush pile, who knows, I might even find something good.
Sue Collini: Who know, you might find something better in my punani.
Charlie Runkle: Yeah, Warren Beatty's lost Rolex, maybe.
Sue Collini: [laughs] Oh, you are a dirty dog. I like your style, Runkle.
03x02 - The Land of Rape and Honey Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Land of Rape and Honey

Hank Moody: Hey, where you goin', short stuff?
Becca Moody: Out.
Hank Moody: Out, you say. Out where?
Becca Moody: Just out.
Hank Moody: "Just Out"? I'm not familiar with that area.
03x02 - The Land of Rape and Honey Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Land of Rape and Honey

Hank Moody: Where you goin'?
Becca Moody: The promenade. I'm meeting Chelsea.
Hank Moody: Oh, not so fast. How you gonna get there?
Becca Moody: I don't know. I'll walk or take the bus.
Hank Moody: Did you even think to ask?
Becca Moody: I didn't think you'd care.
Hank Moody: Well, sorry, honey. Looks like I do.
Becca Moody: Okay. Good to know. So can I go?
Hank Moody: No. Why don't you stay in with me tonight? You know, we'll - we'll catch a movie. Pop some corn. The promenade will always be there. Unfortunately.
Becca Moody: Yeah, sounds like a good time. But I think I'd rather go out.
Hank Moody: Well, I - I think I'd rather have you stay home. How about that?
Becca Moody: Got it. Loud and clear. So can I go?
Hank Moody: Asked and answered, Becca.
Becca Moody: Why?
Hank Moody: Because I said so.
Becca Moody: Because you said so.
Hank Moody: Because I said so.
Becca Moody: Jesus. [begins texting on her phone]
Hank Moody: Who are you texting?
Becca Moody: Chelea. To tell her what a total dick you're being right now.
Hank Moody: What is going on with you? When did you become such a little snot? [Becca chuckles] That is not funny, Becca!
Becca Moody: It's funny to me. [Hank snatches the phone from her hands, when she tries to go for it, he turns around and hurls it across the room, damaging it; she hollers at him spitefully] I FUCKING HATE YOU! [runs to her room]
Hank Moody: [hollering after her] YEAH, AND I FUCKING HATE YOU, TOO, YOU LITTLE SHIT! [Becca's door slams]
03x02 - The Land of Rape and Honey Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Land of Rape and Honey

Hank Moody: Hey, where you going, short stuff?
Becca Moody: Out.
Hank Moody: "Out," you say. Out where?
Becca Moody: Just out.
Hank Moody: "Just Out?" I'm not familiar with that area.
03x02 - The Land of Rape and Honey Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Land of Rape and Honey

Becca Moody: [last scene, Becca's getting ready to head out the door but her father asks where she's going] The promenade. I'm meeting Chelsea.
Hank Moody: Oh, not so fast. How you gonna get there?
Becca Moody: I don't know. I'll walk or take the bus.
Hank Moody: Did you even think to ask?
Becca Moody: I didn't think you'd care.
Hank Moody: Well, sorry, honey. Looks like I do.
Becca Moody: Okay. Good to know. So can I go?
Hank Moody: No. Why don't you stay in with me tonight? You know, we'll - we'll catch a movie. Pop some corn. The promenade will always be there. Unfortunately.
Becca Moody: Yeah, sounds like a good time. But I think I'd rather go out.
Hank Moody: Well, I - I think I'd rather have you stay home. How about that?
Becca Moody: Got it. Loud and clear. So can I go?
Hank Moody: Asked and answered, Becca.
Becca Moody: Why?
Hank Moody: Because I said so.
Becca Moody: Because you said so?
Hank Moody: Because I said so.
Becca Moody: Jesus. [gets on her phone to text]
Hank Moody: Who are you texting?
Becca Moody: Chelsea. To tell her you're being a total dick right now.
Hank Moody: What is going on with you? When did you become such a little snot? [Becca chuckles] That is not funny, Becca.
Becca Moody: It's funny to me. [Hank suddenly grabs the phone from Becca's hands, she tries to go for it but he turns around and hurls it across the room in a fit of rage, damaging it] I FUCKING HATE YOU! [runs to her room and slams the door]
Hank Moody: YEAH AND I FUCKING HATE YOU, TOO, YOU LITTLE SHIT!
03x01 - Wish You Were Here Season 3 / Episode 1: - Wish You Were Here

Richard Bates: [Walks up to the doorway to the dining room stark naked] Who wants to see me tuck and do the pee-pee-dance?
Hank Moody: [raises hand] Come on, I can't be the only one?... Where are the girls?
Richard Bates: And then... Just like that [snaps fingers] he unveiled his beautiful man-pussy. His glorious mangina. [sings] Mmh Mmh-Meet my peach baby, Blow on my dice! I wanna swing that swing, don't you treat me nice.
Dean Stacy Koons: Richard let me...
Dean Stacy Koons: [Keeps on singing] I'm wild for you.
Dean Stacy Koons: Let me call you a cab.
Richard Bates: [Still singing] Sweet Baby I'm a child for you.
Dean Stacy Koons: Lets get you clothes.
Felicia Koons: You know what, why don't stay in the guest room?
Richard Bates: Stacy? Have you ever spent time with an eleven year old boy and wanted more from him than he was willing to give? Have you ever breathed in the scent of a woman's sweaty unwashed sex? And just [sniffs the air] Mhh and wanted to bottle and sell at market. You ever been so drunk on cock? You Howled at the moon and begged for a few inches more.
Hank Moody: Ladies? Dean Koons?
Richard Bates: All these question and more will be answered... in my new novel. First! I wanna go for a swim! Urgh! [Runs through the dining room and jumps out the window] Wooh!
Hank Moody: Love that guy. Big fan.
02x12 - La Petite Mort Season 2 / Episode 12: - La Petite Mort

Damien: I got you something.


Damien: I put a playlist on there, our playlist, the one we made out to. All 17 songs.
Hank Moody: What! Seventeen songs? That's a lot of making out.
02x12 - La Petite Mort Season 2 / Episode 12: - La Petite Mort

Sonja: Hi guys. Thanks for coming. By the way Hank, fuck you for putting this goddamn monster in my stomach.
Hank Moody: I'm not entirely sure it's mine. There will be some genetic tests.
Karen: Do not be an asshole!
Hank Moody: You're right. Let's get the little fucker out first, then we're gonna test.
02x11 - Blues from Laurel Canyon Season 2 / Episode 11: - Blues from Laurel Canyon

Charlie Runkle: Hank Moody. Ronny Praeger, the very gifted auteur behind Vaginatown.
Hank Moody: Oh, I'm honored, I'm a big fan. What is next for you? A Cockwork Orange or perhaps Twenty-sixty-nine: A Sit On My Face Odyssey?
02x11 - Blues from Laurel Canyon Season 2 / Episode 11: - Blues from Laurel Canyon

Hank Moody: [explaining life to Lew] There is no life without love. None worth having anyway.
02x10 - In Utero Season 2 / Episode 10: - In Utero

Daisy: If I can't actually be with you Charlie, I'd kinda like the last person I had on-screen sex with to be you.
Charlie Runkle: That's like one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. And yet totally gross for you.
02x10 - In Utero Season 2 / Episode 10: - In Utero

Dr. Riess: So what are you working on these days?
Hank Moody: What am I working on? I'm working on trying to figure out what that fucking lump in my junk is. That's what I'm working on.
02x10 - In Utero Season 2 / Episode 10: - In Utero

Hank Moody: There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, it wasn't on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen.
02x10 - In Utero Season 2 / Episode 10: - In Utero

Hank Moody: It's a big bad world full of twist and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything...
02x09 - La Ronde Season 2 / Episode 9: - La Ronde

Hank Moody: Ah! Look at this monstrosity.
Janie Jones: I like this one.
Hank Moody: You do?
Janie Jones: Yeah, that's how I feel.
Hank Moody: What's that? Alienated, nauseous, culturally dispossessed?
Janie Jones: No. Horny.
02x09 - La Ronde Season 2 / Episode 9: - La Ronde

Lew Ashby: Life is just too fucking boring not to try.
02x08 - Going Down and Out in Beverly Hills Season 2 / Episode 8: - Going Down and Out in Beverly Hills

Charlie Runkle: Wow, your jedi clam tricks really work.
Daisy: Yeah?
Charlie Runkle: Yeah. I'm really doing it. Staying in the game. My penis is still in your vagina.
Daisy: Way to go, champ!
Charlie Runkle: Holy Shit! I'm King of Fuck Mountain! I could go for days!
Daisy: Well, that's not totally necessary.
Charlie Runkle: It's no problem. You just enjoy yourself.
Daisy: I'm actually a little sore.
Charlie Runkle: That's cool. Coming is my favorite part.
Daisy: Well, you earned it. Ok, go, go!
02x07 - In a Lonely Place Season 2 / Episode 7: - In a Lonely Place

Mrs. Patterson: Just so you know, I'm on my period.
Hank Moody: Not sure I needed a verbal on that but I care very little about such things. I was in Nam.
Mrs. Patterson: God. My ex always cared. He thought it was dirty.
Hank Moody: Oh, it is dirty... in a good way.
Mrs. Patterson: Also, I haven't had much time to trim the hedges lately, if you know what I'm saying.
Hank Moody: I do know what you're saying, and again, no worries. I enjoy a generous thicket.
Mrs. Patterson: I gotta tell you, your feelings about periods and pubic hair have just made me a bigger fan.
Hank Moody: It's what I do. Anything else you care to disclose?
Mrs. Patterson: I'm very excited about fucking you right now.
Hank Moody: Oh, you are a chatty one, Mrs. Patterson.
02x06 - Coke Dick & the First Kick Season 2 / Episode 6: - Coke Dick & the First Kick

Charlie Runkle: Me? What about YOU? Why don't you whip out your Hitchcock and give it a cameo?
02x06 - Coke Dick & the First Kick Season 2 / Episode 6: - Coke Dick & the First Kick

Annika: Please stop this. I just need some water. I'm just really dehydrated. I just need something with electrolytes.
Hank Moody: Vagatorade.
Annika: Good one. That was nice.
02x05 - Vaginatown Season 2 / Episode 5: - Vaginatown

Chloe Metz: Fuck me like I'm Al-Qaeda!
Hank Moody: I'm declaring Jihad on your pussy.

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