Reed Bennett: That's what I'm doing here. Because apparently everyone and their mother felt that way but nobody had the guts to tell me. And now, I'm left with some stupid ring and an empty closet and an ache in my gut the size of Texas because nobody told me.
Mailroom Danny: Dude, he's from Indiana. They only celebrate Love Your Cousin Day.
Willy: I don't feel comfortable taking my shirt off in public.
Julia Fitzpatrick: What do you do with the flowers?
Reed Bennett: You know the ones that nobody wants?
Julia Fitzpatrick: So you're giving them a second life?
Reed Bennett: Yeah, most chaps throw them away. I like the idea that tomorrow somebody's going to see them floating by, wonder where they come from, behind the mystery of it all. I used to, actually, put them together and practice new designs with them and drop them off at a random doorstep with notes in it: "Somebody out there loves you". And they get to thinking, "What if they found out that somebody me? Would they want me to be the one that loves them?"
Julia Fitzpatrick: I would... want that.
Franklin: Valentine's day was a massacre in Chicago where lots of people were killed and they put a curse on the Chicago cubs.
Male Anchor: There you have it, folks. Young love. Full of promise, full of hope, ignorant of reality.
Reed Bennett: Did you even consider marrying me?
Morley Clarkson: Of course I did... but when you ask a girl to marry you, do you want her to just consider it? Or do you want her to just know?
Susan: I need happy, I need romantic, I need love, and I need it from you.
Kelvin Moore: You need Jesus...
Susan: Go, go right now!
Reed Bennett: There's this girl.
Oversized Baggage Agent: Oh don't tell me, that'll take the fun out of guessing. Let's see, this is gonna be a tough one, there's a very pretty girl and she's about to get on a big airplane and if you don't stop her, she'll never know how you really feel.
Reed Bennett: Not exactly.
Oversized Baggage Agent: What am I missing?
Reed Bennett: If she gets on the plane, she's gonna find out the hard way that the guy that she thinks she's in love with is a spineless lying creep!
Oversized Baggage Agent: That's no good.
Reed Bennett: No, it is no good. And I can't let that happen. Because this girl, she is great! She's like... like sunshine. Everything is better when she's there. I can't stand the idea of some jerk hurting her, I just can't. I can't.
Kelvin Moore: Listen, I'm a player. But I shut down my playerness from New Years to St. Patty's Day just so I can avoid this day.
Dr. Harrison Copeland: What's there to hate?
Julia Fitzpatrick: Nothing, if you're a handsome, divorced doctor, but for the rest of us single women, it's kind of a giant cosmic bitchslap. It's like the universe saying, look, remember when you were fourteen and you had cystic acne and braces and you played the saxophone in the marching band and no one would invite you to the winter formal? Well nothing's changed.
Dr. Harrison Copeland: Oh, I would crawl over cut glass to take you to the winter formal. And then I would prescribe Retin-A for your skin.
Liz: Thank you so much for last night, I had a blast, and there is fresh coffee for you in the kitchen.
Jason: I think I'm out of coffee.
Liz: Yeah you were, but i borrowed some from your neighbor. By the way she was very surprised that you had female company, she thought that you were gay. Don't worry, I set her straight.
Oversized Baggage Agent: [to Reed] Look, I'm 52, and I wear a bright blue shirt to work. Don't make me madder than I already am.
Holden: [from trailer] Stalin once said, "No retreat, no surrender."
Kate: I think that was from a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.
Reed Bennett: What's the greatest love song of all time?
Alphonso: "Rock and Roll All Night," by Kiss.
Reed Bennett: That's a stripper song.
Alphonso: I've never had an inkling before. I wasn't sure what to do with it.
Reed Bennett: You don't keep inklings to yourself! You share them! You're like hey guy, I got an inkling you're headed for a fall here! That's what friends do, that's common knowledge, it's in the damn handbook!
Kara Monahan: I have my best friend, Candy.
Kelvin Moore: Oh, that's good.
Kara Monahan: Cause I can't get enough.
Reed Bennett: When I was a kid, most of the advice that my dad gave me was crap. But there's one thing that he said that was pure genius... he said, if you're ever with a girl that's too good for you, marry her.
[acting as a phone sex operator]
Paula Thomas: Kneel before Inzinga!