#1 Rose Schwartz: I'm looking at crawdad butts, cover 'em up!
#2 Ariel Maloney: Why, Bolt! I didn't realize you were here. Bolt: Well... I am.
#3 Montana Moorehead: YOU - promised me you would get rid of Celeste. WE WERE BOTH NAKED AND YOU PROMISED! NAKED! David Barnes: Hey! We were never naked. Montana Moorehead: Well, we could have been!
#4 Celeste Talbert: David! David! David, David, David, David, David! David Barnes: Hey, great scene with Bolt. Celeste Talbert: I realize I'm not a young woman; however... David Barnes: What do you mean, you're not... Celeste Talbert: ...could you PLEASE point out to our new costume designer
[grabs her] Celeste Talbert: whose name I don't quite have yet... Tawny Miller: Tawny Miller, Miss Talbert. Celeste Talbert: How do you do.
[to David] Celeste Talbert: - that I don't feel quite right in a turban. What I feel like is GLORIA FUCKING SWANSON! What am I, 70, David? Am I 70? Why don't you just put me in a walker? Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it! David Barnes: [to Tawny] You're fired. Tawny Miller: Oh God. David Barnes: I'm just kidding.
[into PA system] David Barnes: Attention: no turbans for Miss Talbert!
#5 Celeste Talbert: Even for an actor, you're an egomaniac!
#6 [an audition] Betsy Faye Sharon: Very, very good, Mark. And very true. I love what you're doing. I just, I think if we could try it one more time, and this time... I don't know... maybe try one without your shirt. Mark: Sure. [Removes it and reviews the script] "Will you be having wine with dinner?" Betsy Faye Sharon: [lustily] I think we've found our waiter!
#7 Celeste Talbert: Why are you here? Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are YOU here?
#8 Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart climbing up my drainpipe!
#9 Lori Craven: Celeste, I want to act! Celeste Talbert: Don't say that, "I want to act", ever, please!
#10 Jeffrey Anderson: You have beautiful eyes. Ariel Maloney: Ooh, they're nothing compared to my tits.
#11 David Barnes: Listen, she just won her 8th Schmenger, right? Edmund's crazy about her. She's got a lot of juice. Montana Moorehead: Well, that's when you dump people, okay? When they're still on top, before they lose their popularity and drag the show down with them.
#12 Lori Craven: [bursting into David's office] We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird. [to Montana] Do you mind? Montana Moorehead: You, you're asking me to leave? Lori Craven: That's right. I'm asking you to leave. Montana Moorehead: David... David Barnes: Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please? Montana Moorehead: No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally. [storms out] [from off stage] I hate you! I hate you, you pig! David Barnes: She's got a lot of spirit. Lori Craven: She's a deranged bitch!
#13 Celeste Talbert: I'm not a genius. I'm just a working actress.
#14 Celeste Talbert: [accepting an award] Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...
[At their table] Ariel Maloney: Bitch! David Barnes: Hag! Montana Moorehead: I hate her so much!
#15 Lori Craven: Hi. Uh, I'm Lori Craven and... I'm an actress. Betsy Faye Sharon: An actress! Really! How nice for you! I'm Betsy Faye Sharon and I'm a bitch. Now get out of here.
#16 Rose Schwartz: Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range.
#17 Rose Schwartz: The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who's an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn't have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn't have a head? He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?
#18 Nurse Nan: Sudden speech, the last sign of brain fever. She could blow at any moment!
#19 David Barnes: I was under orders. Celeste Talbert: So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one. David Barnes: Himmler. Celeste Talbert: No, no, no. David Barnes: Hess. Rose Schwartz: Eichmann. David Barnes: Eichmann.
#20 Celeste Talbert: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how? Lori Craven: I know that speech. Celeste Talbert: You do? Lori Craven: Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.