#1 Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess. Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: How do you know that? Shrek: I read it in a book once. Donkey: Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!
#2 [Shrek and Fiona are having dinner on the last day of their journey] Princess Fiona: Mmmm... This is good... mmm... this is really good... what is it? Shrek: A weed rat, cooked rotisserie style! Princess Fiona: No kidding... Oh, this is delicious! Shrek: Well, they're also great in stews. Now I don't mean to brag, but I make a MEAN weedrat stew!
[They both look over at the kingdom of Duloc] Princess Fiona: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night... Shrek: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime... I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you: swamp toad soup, fish-eye tartar, you name it! Princess Fiona: I'd like that...
[he sucks up a weedrat tail, and awkwardly laughs. She smiles back at him, and their eyes meet. In the background, a love ballad, "You Belong To Me," plays] Shrek: Um... Princess? Princess Fiona: Yes... Shrek? Shrek: I... um... I was wondering... are you... um... are you going to eat that?
[he makes a gesture of frustration when she isn't looking. She places the weedrat in his hand, and they lean towards each other... ]
#3 Donkey: I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going... take drastic steps, kick it to the curb. Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right now, I'd step all over it...
#4 Magic Mirror: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let's hear it for Cinderella! Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White! And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!
#5 [Thelonius dunks the Gingerbread Man in a glass of milk] Lord Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.
#6 Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that? Shrek: That would be my home. Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.
#7 The Donkey: Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dark. Princess Fiona: Why... yes! The Donkey: Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
#8 Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. Donkey: Example? Shrek: Example... uh... ogres are like onions! [holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs] Donkey: They stink? Shrek: Yes... No! Donkey: Oh, they make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs... Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [walks off] Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake! Shrek: I don't care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes. Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious! Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later. Donkey: Parfait's gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
#9 Shrek: [to Donkey] I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! *My* swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? *Nobody*! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING *DONKEYS*! Donkey: But I thought... Shrek: [interrupting] Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong.
#10 Shrek: [to Donkey] WHY are you following me? Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why. [starts to sing] Donkey: 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends... Shrek: STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends! Donkey: Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that truly honest!
#11 Princess Fiona: Fare thee well, ogre. [leaves with Farquaad]
#12 [Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey] Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them! Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us! Shrek: What? Pinocchio: We were forced to come here! Shrek: By who? Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.
#13 Donkey: Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp? Shrek: OUR swamp? Donkey: You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that... Shrek: Donkey, there's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out! Shrek: [sarcastic] No! You think? Donkey: Are you hiding something? Shrek: Let it go, Donkey. Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it? Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things. Donkey: Why won't you talk about it? Shrek: Why do you WANT to talk about it? Donkey: Then why are you blocking? Shrek: I'm not blocking! Donkey: Oh, yes you are! Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you... Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek? Shrek: EVERYONE! All right? [pause] Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere! Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete...
#14 [Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky] The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Shrek: That's the moon. The Donkey: Oh, okay.
#15 Shrek: Um... Fiona? Princess Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I... I love you. Princess Fiona: Really? Shrek: Really, really! Princess Fiona: Mmmm... I love you too. [they kiss. Thalonius writes "Awwww" on a cue card for the audience. Fiona floats up in the air and her enchantment breaks in a blaze of light... ]
#16 Old Woman: [watching Shrek fight] The chair! Give him the chair!
#17 Donkey: You love this woman, don't ya? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Do you wanna hold her? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Please her? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little *tenderness*! Chicks love that romantic crap.
#18 Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt that day!
#19 [arriving at Duloc] Shrek: [observing a giant building] That must be Lord Farquaad's castle... Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
#20 Donkey: Okay, so here's another question: Say there's a woman who digs you, right, but you really don't like her *that* way - now how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that? Princess Fiona: Just tell her she's not your true love!