Stu: [about Daniel] What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.
[Takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them sir. Don't worry.
Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?
Miranda: Well, that part was always... okay.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay?
Miranda: Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
Mrs. Doubtfire: What was the matter with Winston?
Miranda: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."
Daniel: I got off early.
Lydie: You mean you got fired?
Daniel: No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.
Daniel: [to Chris] Hey dude! Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right! Got a surprise for you!
Chris: Ooh, a stripper?
Daniel: No, please!
Chris: *Two* strippers?
Daniel: Haw, boy!
[at the taping of a children's show]
Daniel: They should have a disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.
[at the pool]
Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you dear.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you, you bastard.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, I must look like a yeti in this getup!
Daniel: Well let's take a little vacation together with the kids, and get you away from work. You're a different person. You really are. You're great.
Miranda: Oh Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
Daniel: Well we'll move. That way our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other. Come on Miranda, we love each other... Don't we?
Miranda: I want a divorce.
[after Daniel has lost his mask]
Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Can I give you a hand?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no dear, I don't need a hand.
Daniel: [back to Daniel] I need a face.
Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?
Miranda: Yes, I did.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!
Mrs. Doubtfire: [on the show] Oh a visitor! Who can it be and do we have enough time?
[opens the door and finds the mailman]
Mrs. Doubtfire: It's Mr. Sprinkles everyone! Hello Mr. Sprinkles!
Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Daniel: Uh - huh
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage.'
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Miranda: Daniel was so wonderfully different, and funny! He could always make me laugh.
Mrs. Doubtfire: They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter.
Miranda: But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Why?
Miranda: I was working all the time, and he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and on the nights I'd try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong. The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up. He never knew, but so many nights I just cried myself to sleep.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [crushed] Really?
Miranda: The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I would turn into this horrible person. I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that. When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better. And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, you never... I mean, did you ever say anything to him dear?
Miranda: Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious. I used to think Daniel could do anything, except be serious. But then *I* was serious enough for everybody.
Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson.
Frank: You look like her mother.
Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [after being introduced to Natalie] I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.
Daniel: May I see the ad? Come on, Miranda, I just want to look at the ad, I have a right as their father.
Miranda: Fine. Here. Anything else you wanna see?
Daniel: Are you offering?
Miranda: Not any more.
Daniel: What's the change?
Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse. [Takes a drink of scotch]
Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?
Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] Yeah?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Why in God's name are you dressed like a WOMAN?
Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] Oh, damn. Well, I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.
Jonathan Lundy: Host?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children. [as Daniel] Surprise!
Jonathan Lundy: Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?
Mrs. Doubtfire: I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.
Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script. Why did you add it?
Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.
Lou: What situation?
Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!
Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? Not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.
Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon, it's like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."
Daniel: The newspaper? Ah. Are you taking one of those personal ads: DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B & D?
Frank: [Daniel's Mrs. Doubtfire mask has been run over by a truck] Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman. [Daniel leaves] Why wasn't I an only child?
[Trying to get false teeth out of glass]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.