Rita: [after Eugene has said too much] Can I tase him?
Evan Baxter: These birds had a big meal earlier.
Rita: Want me to get my BB gun?
Evan Baxter: Chicken! September 22nd would be a good day for chicken! Joan, could we have chicken September 22nd midday?
Evan Baxter: SHEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Evan Baxter: Do I know you?
God: Not as much as I'd like.
Evan Baxter: [on the ark, addressing a big crowd] People! The flood is imminent! [everyone looks around, bewildered, and up at the sunny sky. Evan addresses the heavens] Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?
Joan Baxter: Honey, maybe God didn't mean a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or emotion, or awareness.
Evan Baxter: If that's true, I am going to be *so pissed*.
Rita: Evan, what happened? Did you fall in a mine shaft?
Evan Baxter: No.
Rita: Did you just come out of a coma?
Evan Baxter: No.
Rita: Were you attacked by a werewolf?
Evan Baxter: No, I wasn't.
Rita: Well, if you were going for that rugged look, I think you over-shot it.
God: I now issue a new commandment: Thou shalt do the dance.
Evan Baxter: Eugene said that Long cut corners on building codes.
Joan Baxter: What're you talking about?
Evan Baxter: The lake! Long Lake! It's named after him. It's the lake! [sees the dam starting to burst] Everybody get on the ark now!
Rita: [after seeing an alpaca spit green stuff] If that comes out your front, I don't even want to know what's coming out the back.
Rita: Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?
Rita: Have you been shootin' up Rogaine?
God: [on a piece of paper] Ask, and you receive.
God: One nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. [looks over at Evan] How long you wanna do this son? I've got all eternity.
Evan Baxter: [faints dead away]
Evan Baxter: [Looks into rearview, sees God who just appeared out of nowhere] AAGGGHHHHH! AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
God: [smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.
God: How do we change the world?
Evan Baxter: One single act of random kindness at a time.
God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on ground with a stick] One Act, of, Random, Kindness.
Congressman Chuck Long: How?
Evan Baxter: The dam. Your reservoir broke, Prestige Crest is no more.
Congressman Chuck Long: No, they said that couldn't happen, they... you did this, you set me up!
Evan Baxter: I can't shave. Whenever I shave it just grows back!
Marty: That's what happens when you shave. But then you shave again!
God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?